Managing work schedules/events/trips and childcare

[krisim]

My DH travels frequently for work and often has evening events.  In the past, I have had more limited evening/weekend work commitments, so this hasn't been an issue but I have recently taken on a new role which appears to have a lot more evening and weekend events (and more day trips out of town).  

I've only been in the role for 3 weeks and we are already having difficulty figuring out a way to schedule events so that one is us is always available to pick up kids in the evening by 5:30, we have 4 kids and they are at 2 different schools--we don't have any back up care (or know of anyone who can transport 4 kids in their vehicle or want to spend any more $ on childcare) so that's not an option right now.    To make things more complicated, my DH's travel/evening events are more high-profile (and not always flexible). 

We both work for the same organization, so I can easily see DH's work calendar (and I look at it before I commit to events), but DH is not in the habit of looking at my calendar before committing to things (and often his assistant is doing the scheduling).  

How have others handled this? 

[mrsGreeko]

When I started at this job I had to travel about every other week for about 6 months. DH is in the military and traveled frequently at the time. Since I had more flexibility in scheduling my trips I just scheduled around him. He had no flexibility at all since the military just know that word. But, I had the flexibility to do that. If I hadn’t I honestly don’t know how we would have done it because he had no flexibility at all. I think whoever has the most flexibility has to schedule around the other. Sounds like that’s you so while it feels unfair, I think you have to do it.

[gastro]

Can you give access to your work calendar to DH’s assistant? And you need to have a chat with your DH about checking your calendar before committing.

[icedcoffee]

Yeah he's going to need to start checking a calendar. For us whoever gets it onto our shared calendar first "wins". If the other person still wants to do something then they need to figure out childcare. Basically...first come first served.

[lemoncupcake]

Feb 24, 2020 12:05:02 GMT -5 icedcoffee said:

Yeah he's going to need to start checking a calendar. For us whoever gets it onto our shared calendar first "wins". If the other person still wants to do something then they need to figure out childcare. Basically...first come first served.

Yea - if you’re both working and committed to co to use working you need to be equals in this and he needs to accept responsibility rather than making it your problem.

[joy]

Feb 24, 2020 12:04:05 GMT -5 gastro said:

Can you give access to your work calendar to DH’s assistant? And you need to have a chat with your DH about checking your calendar before committing.

This. The only viable solution here is for him to read the calendars and behave accordingly. If that means his assistant also needs to read the calendars then yup. That’s on him to discuss and make happen.

It will also mean that sometimes one of you has to say no. I would discuss with him *now* what that will look like and how you will decide who has to say no. It may be a case by case basis or it maybe a set number of vetoes. Whatever works for you guys.

But really, he needs to read the calendars.

[sdlaura]

I agree with icedcoffee - you both need to be updating a shared calendar and whoever has something on it first - the other person has to ask for coverage. If you normally drop off kids and he picks up, then he has to put it on the calendar/check with you every time he can't pick up.

I travel much more often than DH (typically every week for a day or two). I spend A LOT of time working on our calendar and organizing babysitters when we need coverage. I would recommend trying to find a babysitter who can pick your kids up on days when you both have something going on. One of our big issues is early mornings/getting kids to school because DH works 5:30 am-3:30 pm most days. So if I'm out of town or have to fly out early, we have a babysitter who can come at 6 am. So I book the babysitters, and if there's a morning that no one is available, I notify DH way in advance that I need him to take the kids that day/go in 2.5 hours late.

[waverly]

Unfortunately in our marriage, DH refused to take my work needs into consideration. It is not all on him of course, his job forced it because he was a consultant which means traveling Mon- Thurs every week for many years. He has a local job now, but I know that if he has a job thing in the evening he will just go to it, and not look at any calendar and have that sense of entitlement because it is perceived as required in his job, and he makes more money than me.

For a while, I hired a local babysitter, so I would have to take the day off, then pick up the kids from daycare say at like 3 or 4, then wait for the babysitter to come over, then head to work and work 5-9. After that I told my boss, sorry I can't work in the evening anymore on a regular basis. I was doing it weekly for a while, and the weird scheduled combined with paying more childcare wasn't working for me. For some though, more childcare is the answer.

So now, for any happy hours or anything like that I leave work early arrive at happy hour lets say at 4:30 then leave at 5:30 to pick kids up by the 6pm deadline for aftercare. I used to be able to stay later for daycare because daycare ended at 6:30, but aftercare ends at 6.

Now that DH is local, and I have completely limited my evenings, then I can arrange for him to watch them, and go to a meeting, but I only do that like once a year.

For out of state conferences, I had to book my mom to come watch the kids. It is annoying that I basically have to replace myself, so that I can do things, but DH does not because it is assumed that I will do it as the default parent. But it is what it is at this point. My son is 9 and every year will get older, so at some point in time I could leave them home alone maybe not for a super long period of time, but it is possible. As the kids get older, I am also able to take them to work with me. Obviously won't work with 4 kids especially if they are young, but sometimes you got to do what you got to do. So in my case, the school was closed due to an active shooter drill that also affected the childcare because it was on-site at the school, so I took the kids with me to work from about 9-3 and then left work early that day.

Is there anyway to pick up later say 6 or 6:30 with your aftercare? For ours even, I wonder if I had a true issue I could get them late and then just pay the fee. I've never done that except when my car got stuck in mud once (don't ask) in a true emergency, but I suppose if I had a once in a decade meeting maybe I just pick them up late and deal with the consequences of that. Obviously not sustainable for regular life. I've also had a mom ask me once to pick a child up from aftercare, so you could do that but ask 2 moms (1 for one school with 2 kids, and 1 for the other school with 2 kids). I do actually know a lot of moms that have gotten 7 seaters or mini vans, so an extra 2-3 kids might work, where 4 would not. Again complicated, so I wouldn't use it all the time.

And your DH needs to compromise, and look at the calendar (or his assistant)!

[hocus2]

I think you have 2 issues -- really complex logistics AND a big change that means your DH can not longer assume you are the default parent. The second one is for your DH to work on but complex logistics are an issue in their own right.

Looking at calendars won't solve ties -- e.g. who has to break an engagement if you're both occupied. Some sort of tie break method needs to be in place and honestly you might need to soften on the idea of getting no more help. I don't travel at all and with a husband who works long hours I've had help for several years. It is often just a college sitter who helps as needed or maybe has a standing night where he or she comes in for 3 hours and so I can make some plans after 5 pm and not count on my husband being able to leave work. I would also look into uber and see if it has an option for a larger car. Our local uber does so a sitter could pick up 4 kids and then get home. It is ins't ideal but it could work in a pinch.

[sdlaura]

Regarding the issue of a babysitter driving - from what I can tell, your oldest kids are at least 9 years old, so could go a short distance without car seats/one in the front seat, of a babysitter's car? You could probably spend less than $100 on a booster and a cheap 5-point carseat for a babysitter's car for your two youngest kids and then the oldest could sit in the front of a normal sedan.

I think it's unrealistic to expect that you'll be able to both juggle evening events without spending some $ on childcare/finding a babysitter who can pick up your kids in a normal car.

We're expecting our 4th kid and researched the laws in CA - and apparently my oldest (will be 8 by the time I go back from maternity leave) can legally sit in the front seat if there are 3 younger kids in the backseat in carseats. We wouldn't want to do it on the freeway or for any real distance, but sometimes that's how we'll have to organize the kids for a pick up every once in awhile. We did buy a house on the same street as our elementary school so a babysitter doesn't need to drive all the kids home - she can pick up the two younger ones and then walk them to get the older kids. We've also tossed around the idea of buying a used minivan eventually for a babysitter to use.

[AdaraMarie]

I think one thing that would help is if when you book something in the evening immediately send an invite to your h's calendar that says "Krisim busy/H kid duty" or something so he and his assistant can see he's busy without checking another calendar.

[awkwardpenguin]

You only have two choices to increase your work obligations - your H takes on more childcare, or you pay for more childcare.

If you want your H to take on more childcare, you need to be very direct with him about that and you need to figure out together how you are going to make that work. In my marriage the rule is travel and evening events are always cleared with the other person and put on our shared calendar immediately. If there is a conflict, the person with the more "flexible" or "discretionary" event is in charge of figuring out childcare. We haven't had too many events where there was both a conflict and both weren't flexible, but when it's come up we've worked together to figure it out.

We also went through a similar "suddenly I have evening commitments" transition and it was tough. DW forgot my schedule several times when scheduling travel and it was very irritating to me because it felt like my commitments were less important than hers. It took a lot of communication and coming up with something we could both live with. Originally we had me doing all the childcare scheduling and that wasn't working for me at all, so that's how we came up with our current plan.

[brooke77]

We don’t schedule evening/weekend/travel work without checking with the other first. DH travels fairly frequently for work and I fairly frequently have late night events. We also both have night and weekends work that can be done at home but that requires the other to be on kid duty. We never just assume anything.

It’s a lot to coordinate and we only have one kid. You will definitely need to speak to your DH and change the dynamic of your relationship and let him know that before he assumes your availability to check.

[ktw]

I agree with the consensus here: your H (or his assistant) has to take responsibility to check your calendar, even if you have the more flexible job and sometimes even if there's a conflict he will still need to schedule his travel/event over yours, and you may want to be open to hiring more help. I'm the trailing spouse, my job is more flexible, and I only work 3 days a week. My H has more work/events that spill over into the evenings, and the more demanding/less flexible job. I still ask that he check my calendar before scheduling things (or, at the very least, tell me verbally so I can check my own calendar). He also knows that nothing gets me more angry than an event that "suddenly" pops up on the calendar with little notice - not because there are so many last minute events, but because calendar management is not his strong suit.

The real game changer for us has been hiring a weekly babysitter. She comes 3 days a week. Sometimes she covers the kids during working hours/obligations, sometimes I'm home and getting things done around the house, and sometimes I'm out running errands/doing other things for me or to help the household run more smoothly. We only have her 9.5 hours a week, but because she's here for some portion of Tuesday/Wednesday/Thursday, she absorbs the impact of the evening events, whether they're scheduled ahead of time or not. She's a luxury, for sure, and we're lucky to be able to afford it. I'd also say she's some of the best money we spend each month.

[nicolewi]

I have no idea how you are doing it now. I have four and became a SAHM partly because of things like this.

Anyway, I understand not wanting to spend more on child care. However, I think you definitely need to find a person who can be a back-up once in a while if needed. Can you parcel out your older kids to different friends' houses if needed on occasion?

Next, I think your DH needs to understand that he must be flexible when he can, and needs to get used to communicating with you about scheduling and looking at your calendar. That said, I don't feel it's completely reasonable that it's just a race to the calendar and whoever schedules first wins. That's not really practical. You'll have to look at the relative importance of each of your events. If his is NOT flexible and/or is more critical, I don't see how it works for you to just have "first dibs" on that time slot.

Can you guys take a few minutes to do a weekly calendar review? Maybe talk about what events are must-do vs flexible, and who has the child care responsibility for each day. Look ahead through the month at any upcoming non-negotiables, too.

[fairfax]

Following this for ideas... I’m going back to work at the end of March and I’m already apprehensive about how this will go. Prior to having DS we prioritized DH’s career, which allowed him to be very flexible in his schedule and travel all over for meetings. However, I was promoted about a month before my leave started so I feel pressure to “show up” as much as I can when I return (plus I want to). I know it’s going to be hard for DH to adjust from doing whatever he wants.

I agree with other posters that a good starting point is for him to check your calendar before committing to anything. I will have implement that for DH and I!

[SusanBAnthony]

We don't work for the same company but both our companies use outlook.

As soon as one of us has tentative travel we send an invite to the other for like 6-6:30 am that says DW tentative travel". Once it is booked we send a whole day event for any days we are gone, and Concur automatically sends the flights to both of us.

I agree that there are three issues.

1. Your h needs a Stern come to Jesus.

2. You either need to give up some travel or hire more childcare

3. You need to have a way to tie-break if you ha e overlapping trips. We do it by looking at who won the last tie, whether one person has already booked (this is effectively almost always what we do) and whose is more important.

We have a morning babysitter who can often do evenings and overnights if needed. My dad can also drive up in an emergency situation of we both have truly critical travel. We don't have any local family.

[sillygoosegirl]

We both keep our calendars blocked after 4:30pm and always check with each other before accepting anything after that time.

There were a lot of fights and hard feelings before we got there. Especially when DH was (briefly) in management. He had a lot of trouble adjusting to this, but eventually got it. If your DH has an assistant, I guess he'll need to talk to that person about checking your calendar or checking with you, or it can just all go through DH for evening commitments if he prefers. It's not an unreasonable ask.

[Mushe]

Feb 24, 2020 12:05:02 GMT -5 icedcoffee said:

Yeah he's going to need to start checking a calendar. For us whoever gets it onto our shared calendar first "wins". If the other person still wants to do something then they need to figure out childcare. Basically...first come first served.

100% this. H used to travel more than I did, but I’ve moved into more high profile jobs. I am the one who has to look carefully at our shared calendar to make sure he’ll be in town when I need to be out. I also sometimes have to call my parents in for help.

[Mushe]

Also, things are getting a bit complicated right now in some states, but hosting an au pair has been amazing for us over the past two years. We have new family members who love our kids, and have a lot more flexibility that’s helped us be better at our jobs. Not having to do drop off and pick up is amazing.

[ellipses84]

DH and I have weekly discussions about schedule. We alternate dropoff/pickups and it’s really hard if one of us is gone for a day, even more challenging to impossible if one of us is gone for 3+ days. After many miscommunications, he lets me know his schedule as soon as he knows it. If he doesn’t text it to me and verbally tells me, I text it back to him. Then, when I’m on my computer I add my responsibility for dropoff/pickup to my outlook calendar. I never book travel without talking to him first. If I know of travel, an evening event, or an important client meeting day where he is going to be on-call in case there’s a sick kid at school, I try to tell him at least 2-3 weeks in advance and remind him each week. I have a neighbor/classmate’s mom who takes my son to school a couple days a week and she could pick up on occasion if I needed her to. If we somehow double schedule, usually whoever has the least important event cancels or gets a coworker to cover it. We clear last minute schedule changes with each other before we commit.

[pittpurple]

My husband travels for work so I can't. It's meant I can only go for certain roles and have had to sacrifice some level of career development but it is what it is - we live overseas so have no family around and no option during the day if the kids are sick. Usually he drops off and I pick up, and if I am in a meeting last thing in the day he could normally pick up but not regularly due to his usual working hours.

What my husband fails to understand is that I have no choice but to make sure I can be available during the day when he's away if someone is sick. When he's here he takes as much of the sick days as he can, because when he's away there's no choice. so I am very careful about what I schedule on the days he's away.

We only have 2 kids though so I have no idea how you would work this out with more - agree with the above that you either need to make sacrifices or you have to hire more help - I can't imagine his career wouldn't suffer if he has to regularly say no to his previous sorts of work events so as you've changed the dynamic with a new job, you'll need to figure out what to prioritise as a family.

[cosmowife]

I think that hiring an au pair or something similar is really going to be your best solution. I think it is unrealistic to expect to be able to accommodate two demanding work schedules and 4 kids without some sort of extra help. Unfortunately I don’t think there is a scheduling technique or process that is going to magically make your schedules coordinate without some sort of third person being involved.

[waverly]

Feb 25, 2020 8:34:59 GMT -5 cosmowife said:

I think that hiring an au pair or something similar is really going to be your best solution. I think it is unrealistic to expect to be able to accommodate two demanding work schedules and 4 kids without some sort of extra help. Unfortunately I don’t think there is a scheduling technique or process that is going to magically make your schedules coordinate without some sort of third person being involved.

Yup all the coordination in the world won’t help if you both HAVE to be there. Then you will need childcare.

I push back a little in the have to’s because my boss is the type to ask me and then forget he asked me anyway and forget to put me on the agenda, but I don’t think my situation is the norm.

[hbomdiggity]

I travel more frequently, but it’s generally flexible on when so I can adjust if something for H comes up. In my previous position I didn’t control my schedule as much and had to fly MIL across the country on more than one occasion.

[rupertpenny]

Feb 24, 2020 23:23:26 GMT -5 Mushe said:

Also, things are getting a bit complicated right now in some states, but hosting an au pair has been amazing for us over the past two years. We have new family members who love our kids, and have a lot more flexibility that’s helped us be better at our jobs. Not having to do drop off and pick up is amazing.

I also want to rec hiring an au pair. If you have the space, or can make the space, it could make your life much easier. Neither of us travel more than a few times a year, but we do have evening events and early meetings that can interfere with our "normal" schedule and having a dedicated third adult available to help is amazing. 

[goldengirlz]

I’m not sure if this will help, but H and I both have days that are “ours.” That works better with flexible (or recurring) events and trips, but it’s understood that I do pickup on Mondays and Wednesdays and he does Tuesdays and Thursdays. Sometimes we need to swap days, and we present it like that. But if I want to do something on “my” evening (work-related or not!) I don’t have to clear it so much as give him a heads up. It also helps set the expectation that we each get equal time for this stuff (and ourselves!)

[Mushe]

Feb 26, 2020 11:05:38 GMT -5 rupertpenny said:

Feb 24, 2020 23:23:26 GMT -5 Mushe said:

Also, things are getting a bit complicated right now in some states, but hosting an au pair has been amazing for us over the past two years. We have new family members who love our kids, and have a lot more flexibility that’s helped us be better at our jobs. Not having to do drop off and pick up is amazing.

I also want to rec hiring an au pair. If you have the space, or can make the space, it could make your life much easier. Neither of us travel more than a few times a year, but we do have evening events and early meetings that can interfere with our "normal" schedule and having a dedicated third adult available to help is amazing. 

Do you have an AP now? I remember your posts about deciding to return to the US, so I wasn’t sure if you meant live ins before that. Message me if you’d like to talk about the interesting legal landscape! We’re going to take a break after this year, but it’s less complicated in other states.