WFH & parenting: how are you coping with burnout?

[brooklyn]

I’m a SAHM and I still feel like I’m on the constant verge of a breakdown. Hats off to everyone working from home. That sounds so tough to manage on top of childcare.

[countthestars]

I’m so sorry Susie and everyone else trying to juggle this. I agree with the suggestion to drop daycare if you think it’s possible to find something new when this blows over. I’m not sure if you are open to it, but I would also lean into your freezer stash and have your H take on more of the DS duty. I think you’ve said you have enough to make it quite a while (and I’m only suggesting maybe 1 or 2 bottles per day), and I wonder if having that time back is more important than making it to a year. I recognize the breastfeeding journey is personal so this is just a suggestion/permission to consider it.

[sent]

Ok I’ve changed my mind now as we end day 1 of DS being home. Breeziness is gone. I had DS skip his nap so we could put him to bed earlier. Daylight savings had him falling asleep at 10 or later no matter what we tried. My husband is supposed to put him to bed. He had “calls” all day (they are legit calls but they sound so so useless from where I’m sitting). He is outside barbecuing for himself and says he’s not taking DS to bed before 10 despite my attempt to push the schedule earlier. I had asked him to barbecue earlier so he could handle DS after I finished dinner and bath.. I’m having to suppress my urge to violently hurt him. I said “I didn’t sign up for this, I pay the daycare so I can maintain my sanity.” He replied he didn’t sign up to work from home. True. Still, I’m over this country expecting us to handle childcare and working from home simultaneously.

[dcrunnergirl52]

Right there with you. DH and I work full time and have all 4 kids at home (ages 9, 9, 6 and 2...and the 6 year old has anxiety and ODD and 9 year old has ADHD). My week was similar to yours, Susie, with a huge proposal plus multiple client firedrills. DH and I basically get no downtime and like everyone else, are working from the moment we get up until late at night, either with the kids or work or both at the same time. Even the weekends are spent catching up on work we didn't get to during the week.

My big freakout right now is that we're starting e-learning soon. I don't understand how we're supposed to juggle full-time work and getting 3 kids into virtual classrooms, completing assignments, etc. I'm already doing 6-8 conference calls/day, but now I also have to find a way to schedule around my kids' virtual classroom times b/c they are going to need technology help. OMG!

This is all an impossible ask with no end in site, since they've cancelled school for the year. And, i don't see how camps even open up in the summer.

[lovelyshoes]

Hugs Susie and anyone else in a similar situation. I can relate so much, might type more later just to let it out, but right now I feel like I might cry. Between being cramped in a small space without all of our stuff, full time work that is super busy and gotten more so during the last 2 weeks, not seeing family and worrying for them, h being laid off no idea if his line of work will even pick back up and my own office talking about cutting costs, I’m about to break.

[cricketwife]

I apologize in advance, this is a bit rambling.

I have a professional job, but a peon job, frankly, so I can't imagine trying to do what you're doing. We have been staying at home since Friday, March 13. That was the day our workplaces started closing. The following week (last week) was my spring break and DS1's so it was an easy-ish transition. I took care of the kids because I wasn't working. (NOT EASY to be with a 3 and 6 you stuck at home in crappy weather but waaaay easier than this week!). This week, I went back to work and school started. Holy shit. H can fairly easily work from home but his job is synchronous so he works 8:30-5:30 so that dictates our schedule. My work is largely asynchronous:
5:30-8:30am I work
8:30-12:00 I take care of boys/try to do DS1's schoolwork
12:00-1:00 H takes lunch and I work uninterrupted
1-5:30 H works uninterrupted and I try to eek as much work as I can out of that time while kids watch unlimited tv and yet still interrupt me every 22 seconds and then finish whatever more after that to make 8 hours.
By Wednesday, I was at my breaking point. I was/am sucking at work and we haven't finished the damn kindergarten work a single day. NOTHING is self-directed at this age. It required constant help/monitoring/explaining/etc.

Wed night was when I learned on here about the government's leave package. I knew it would look HORRIBLE if I took advantage of it but I had to consider it. (our state's schools are closed until May 15). I talked to HR and basically the resolution was --- just do your essential job. don't try to clock 40 hours. just do what *has* to be done. This morning I spoke to my supervisor and told him that was the directive from HR. He has small kids at home and is very understanding. He was very supportive. Fortunately(?) I have way less work due to COVID-19. This would normally be my busiest time of year, so I can totally take care of the essentials. I will basically work 5:30-8:30 and then do a few emails/have the occasional call during the day. DOABLE. But I happen to have a really good employer and a very supportive boss.

Basically something is going to have to give. If there's any way to choose of your own power what that is, you will probably feel better about it. For example, finding a sitter (at this point, so many people are out of work/schools closed and people have been quarantined, you may be able to find someone.) Also, IDK because I'm not a lawyer, but I think it's fair not to look 100% professional for every video call. Pitching a client, yes. But a client you've had 10 years, I think it's ok to show up in your sweats, maybe with some lipstick, lol. Seriously, EVERYONE is working from home. I think people get it. On the videos that DS1 is getting of his teachers, some are dressed for work and some are in jeans/athleisure etc. Truly, I don't care either way. Again, I know teachers are different than lawyers. Our office is having staff meetings every morning and we are all in sweatshirts or whatever. That's internal, so not the same, but I know my boss is on calls all day and he's not changing his clothes.

Take care of yourself the best you can.

[grover]

I have 2 cranky teething just turned 1 year old twins, one of who has figured out he can crawl around the first floor. The just turned 3 year old is potty training, and just today decided she doesn't like the little potty anymore, but wants to go on the big potty. Which she can't climb on herself. H is a paralegal currently mostly doing audio transcription, but the lawyer who gave him the task wants it done during regular business hours. I am a teacher now trying to plan virtual special education lessons.

Only saving grace is that a) this next week is spring break, and b) the twins are in bed by 6:45/7/ But the fact that I won't be "working" next week means I am stuck with the childcare all day long. I am a working mom for a reason. Blah.

[Susie]

Thank you everyone, for commiserating and responding.  It helps just to feel heard!

As far as my daycare - yeah, I hear you all!  My plan had been to stick it out through summer, because DD will leave pre-k there to start kinder in September.  I didn't want to make her transition twice this year (lololol now, given the abrupt and shitty transition to being out of care.)  I was planning to find a place to move DS to in Sept.  Since I need an infant spot, and those are hard to come by, I'm worried about giving up the spot I have before I have something new.  But who the heck knows how long this will go on?  We need to give all this some thought, and maybe some phone calls.  In my free time, ha.

ohgillian, that sounds so incredibly stressful.  Much more intense than the persistent but garden variety strain I feel.  Hugs to you.  I hope his emergency med helped.

loira, without elaborating, I can relate to the "all COVID all the time" thing with work.  It is so draining.  

farmvillelover, I was really counting on being able to go into my office (alone) to do some of my calls away from the kids.  Then there was a positive case of COVID-19 on the floor below mine, and we're all supposed to stay out.  I'm not sure for how long, but it's unnerving!  I totally hear you on the 4 yo.

sillygoosegirl, I hope you are feeling better soon.  This is a complicated time to have health issues.

lessel, omg to the Beatle analogy!

simpsongal, I've seen reporting on the uptick in mental health issues in China in the wake of this, and I am 100% sure we'll see the same thing.

noodleoo, none of my partners have littles either, or if they do, they have a SAH spouse.  They say they can't imagine doing what I'm doing, and I'm sure they can't - but they also don't try.  It's like a throwaway phrase.  It doesn't seem to result in much change in expectation.  I agree some exercise would help, and DS likes the stroller.  I can walk 3 miles with him, no problem.  If I can get the client emergencies to abate, building that in will be good.  The up side of client emergencies is billables, I guess.

ellipses84, I don't know whether to be glad my kids are too young for homeschool or not (not that it matters, it is what it is).  It seems so incredibly stressful.  OTOH, I'm struggling to provide direction and structure for DD's days.  I don't have time to look up and vet stuff online.

chocolatepie, those short naps are killer!  

melmaria, I think a schedule is a good idea.  We just need to do it in smaller chunks than splitting the day because both kids nap in the PM, only one does in AM, so we need to do it fairly.

sent, thank you so much for the offer to help.  I really appreciate it.  My orthodontist's office ended up calling me back later in the day and sort of prompted me through the whole "it hurts, right?"  "It has cut you and it bled, right?" to justify getting me in.  They just removed it.  I have to go back when things ease up to have the bonding removed, they couldn't do that, but at least no wire for now.  Phew.  As far as the client deadlines, missing them would be malpractice, so I can't beg off because kids.

hbomdiggity, oh wow that sounds stressful.  Separate areas of the house would help a lot though I think.  I don't have that, my desk is in the living room.  It used to be fine, I put on noise cancelling headphones when I needed to work, NBD.  But now that I need to do calls, it's not working at all.

Hugs everyone.  I'm sorry you're all in this boat too but I am glad to hear from you all.

[steamboat185]

We are WFH with a 6 and 3 year old and it’s not going well. I have gotten several very large projects in the past week and DH is coming into quarter end quickly. We both put our meetings on a white board in the kitchen so that the big one has an idea of what is going on during the day. The rest of the time we tag team the kids. I start work at 6 and generally try to work until 8 or 9am and then I tag DH out. We put a movie on sometime between 10 to 1 depending on the day while trying to get the big kid to do math, reading, Spanish, and whatever else we can cram in. The 3 year old is basically feral at this point.

[KellyEasterbrook]

Mar 27, 2020 19:57:35 GMT -5 Susie said:

hbomdiggity, oh wow that sounds stressful.  Separate areas of the house would help a lot though I think.  I don't have that, my desk is in the living room.  It used to be fine, I put on noise cancelling headphones when I needed to work, NBD.  But now that I need to do calls, it's not working at all.

Hugs everyone.  I'm sorry you're all in this boat too but I am glad to hear from you all.

Is there anyway you can carve out some space with a door for work? I used to work from our living room, but I had a hard time concentrating there. We’ve all carved out spaces in our small house to work. My mom works from the guest room (that was supposed to be my office.. ha!), I work from our sun room (which has no heat.. but hey... it has a door that I can close!) and DH now has set his desk in our garage (I’m kind of jealous of that set up. It would be really sweet to work in there with the doors open if it wasn’t snowing). Whoever’s watching DD usually sets up a laptop in our dining area/living room to keep an eye on email/work stuff.

So glad you were able to get into your orthodontist. I hope your weekend provides a little bit of down time.

[Susie]

KellyEasterbrook, as it gets warmer my plan is actually to start doing calls at the table outside on the deck. I have an extended webex meeting on Monday & Tues and that's my plan if it's not raining or snowing. I can bundle up! This week it snowed enough that DD wore her snowshoes in the yard, so I haven't put it into play yet.

[badgergrl]

What about trying to find a local college kid who is back? Most have been told not to come back til September anyway. They could
Cover through the summer Until you had planned on transitioning to different care anyway and they could give you the help You need now .

My husband and I are both lawyers and our kids are older and we are really struggling. I am going to hire someone to help the kids with their school work now that we are transitioning to all online school
For the foreseeable future.

[sandandsea]

Yes my 8yo is doing 95% of the supervision of the 3yo. He’s better at that than he is at getting his own work done so at least that’s going well?

[farmvillelover]

Mar 27, 2020 21:21:58 GMT -5 steamboat185 said:

The 3 year old is basically feral at this point.

Same in my house except my younger one is 4.

Mar 27, 2020 23:38:28 GMT -5 sandandsea said:

Yes my 8yo is doing 95% of the supervision of the 3yo. 

Same here too with our 8 and 4 y/o. He is getting $3-5 a day to do this and he's loving the responsibility. Coincidentally, the new Lego store circular came a few days ago and he's got a few things flagged he's interested in and will be able to afford from all of his quarantine earnings.

[krystee]

I did it for three days and was a sobbing mess at the end of all three. Both H and I have conference calls from start to finish of the day, plus work we have to do on top of those. Our kids were basically on their own except for the bare minimum, and they are newly 5 and 2. It was unfair to them and totally unsustainable.

Their in-home daycare technically closed, but she texted me that she was missing the kids. I verified with her that she was social distancing and we have been sending our kids there. I know it’s a risk to both of us because we each do go to grocery stores, but it seems to be less of a risk than my kids basically becoming feral or one of us losing our jobs. I work in communications and my days have been spent immersed in COVID crisis comms.

I would definitely give daycare notice and find a babysitter who has been socially distancing. With a nine-month-old and demanding jobs, I just can’t imagine dealing with everything for the long term.

[SusanBAnthony]

My desk was in the living room and we just moved it to the master bedroom (well actually we got an additional desk). In the bedroom I can orient it for video calls so the bed isn't visible. It is working much better than being in the living room.

Space is tight and last night when I got up to pee I tripped over the desk on my way back to bed. Still worth it.

[Susie]

Mar 28, 2020 6:47:54 GMT -5 SusanBAnthony said:

My desk was in the living room and we just moved it to the master bedroom (well actually we got an additional desk). In the bedroom I can orient it for video calls so the bed isn't visible. It is working much better than being in the living room.

Space is tight and last night when I got up to pee I tripped over the desk on my way back to bed. Still worth it.

Yeah, I am thinking of putting a desk in the guest room, specifically to use for video calls.  The room is very small so I may struggle to keep the bed out of view, but at least it has a door.  My dad isn't here now, so the room isn't in use.

Just in Feb, my dad gave us my late mom's Mac Mini because he was not using it.  That turned out to be handy.  I wiped it and cloned my work MacBook onto it.  So that's on my desk in the living room where my more comfortable chair and work space are, but I can set my MacBook up on a desk upstairs for when necessary.  I can use either to remote into my firm's server to work, so it's like using the same computer either way.

[redheadbaker]

Honestly, I'm not coping at all. H and I are both home, but the nature of H's job (IT support) means that all of the childcare is falling to me. All of the dog-care was falling to me, as well. One has congestive heart failure, needs pills twice a day, and needs to go outside to pee every four hours.

I finally had a CTJ talk with H, and he has taken on the dog-care. But I still need to both work a FT job and keep DS from being on the computer for 12 hours a day. He has ADHD, and he's medicated, but he's not getting enough exercise (it's been raining nearly all week), so he's almost literally bouncing off the walls.