"Distance" visiting

[idoinjuly]

Apr 1, 2020 22:13:16 GMT -5 af1212 said:

My mom lives alone and i am concerned about her being without human contact for this long. I have been taking my kids over twice a week to play in her yard. She sits on her deck to watch and they talk/yell back and forth. We bring our own toys so we don’t touch anything at her house.

Honestly if this is wrong I am going to need some suggestions because I can’t see how she can go without human interaction for months.

This is my mom too.  We have gone over twice and dropped off groceries at her back door and talked to her from at least 6 feet back while she is on the other side of her screen door.  I'm worried about her getting depressed. 

[imojoebunny]

I have had people visit. They drive up, stay in their cars, text me, I come out on my porch, they stay in the car. parked on the street, roll down the window and we talk loudly from 20'+ away, while I stay on my porch. 6' is an arbitrary number, and not scientific. You will have noticed that the CDC has been essentially muted by the executive branch of the federal government, but my neighbors, who work there, are not. They strongly discourage any sort of "6' away" get togethers. My friends who have come by are on their way to or from essential activities. They don't stay long because it is kind of weird and awkward to have to scream back and forth. We have all been staying home for 3 weeks now.

[janegold]

My MIL stopped by last week and talked to my H in the driveway from a distance. She had previously asked to come visit with my 3 year old through the window and I shut that down because I felt like that would be upsetting to my son, who wouldn't understand why she couldn't come in and why he couldn't play with her. Luckily, my son was taking a nap when she stopped by.

[pixy0stix]

I'll just echo that 6 ft. is arbitrary. No one really knows, and the "facts" are changing daily. This guy says the droplets could travel 27 ft. www.usatoday.com/story/news/health/2020/03/30/coronavirus-social-distancing-mit-researcher-lydia-bourouiba-27-feet/5091526002/

Basically, if you don't have to see the person/people, then don't. If you do, keep your interactions brief.

[laurack]

I’ve been wondering that too. My mil lives alone and is 77. We haven’t seen her at all but I’ve been thinking maybe we’d drive to her house and open the car windows and chat to her from across the street. Not sure it’s worth it though. But going by the amount of texts and emails she sends and how she tries to face time every single day I think she’s lonely.

[leeloo]

The “6ft rule” is if you HAVE to be around others. Not so you can be around others socially. It’s for when you need groceries or medications or have to go to work. Not driveway happy hours and walking with friends 6ft apart. These behaviors are just going to keep us all cooped up longer with more and more restrictions because people push it.

[litskispeciality]

Apr 2, 2020 13:56:48 GMT -5 leeloo said:

The “6ft rule” is if you HAVE to be around others. Not so you can be around others socially. It’s for when you need groceries or medications or have to go to work. Not driveway happy hours and walking with friends 6ft apart. These behaviors are just going to keep us all cooped up longer with more and more restrictions because people push it.

Quoting this as it needs to be screamed from the rooftops. The gov in my state has to have a press conference twice a week threatening to close beaches and parks because people aren't getting this. Stay the eff at home. We all have to get back to normal, and we can't when people aren't staying put. 

I'm sorry to pile it on, but when my essential worker husband, who faces direct exposure is on board with grocery delivery to limit further exposure you know it's serious. Please use Facetime, or Googlehang out or some form of video chat instead of standing far apart. It sucks, but it'll save lives, literally.

[purplepenguin7]

Apr 2, 2020 13:56:48 GMT -5 leeloo said:

The “6ft rule” is if you HAVE to be around others. Not so you can be around others socially. It’s for when you need groceries or medications or have to go to work. Not driveway happy hours and walking with friends 6ft apart. These behaviors are just going to keep us all cooped up longer with more and more restrictions because people push it.

thank you, this is a great reminder and definitely makes sense.  

and thank you everyone for opinions and advice.  I know that i said 6ft in my OP, but if (IF) we do this it would definitely be much more than 6 feet apart.  It would be from way afar and really just a way to "see" her without contact.  It would basically be end of the driveway to front door and just a wave hi.  We are still thinking it through and learning towards no. I appreciate all the thoughts here.

[CloudBee]

Last weekend we had to do a sidewalk drop / exchange of some important documents for my FIL. He lives at an assisted living facility with MIL. He remained in the lobby and the director came outside while we kept about 20 feet of distance. She picked up what we had left, and in place set down a bag with documents we needed.

After the exchange we walked across the grass to say hi to FIL through the windows. It was really hard one everyone, but also wonderful. We haven't seen him in a month. I'm thankful he was able to see DS.

[penguingrrl]

We have not seen anyone and won’t until the order is lifted. It fucking sucks, we’re all suffering as far as mental health is concerned. But that doesn’t matter. I usually walk a few miles with my mom every morning, so we are doing a FaceTime happy hour at 5 each night instead, which is helping a lot.

We did briefly see my ILs to drop dinner in their doorstep the other night, but I brought it to their stoop and set it down, then walked back to the sidewalk before MIL opened the door. We chatted for a minute and that was it, and that was the closest any of us would risk. I’ve thought about our years living in the city and am glad we aren’t anymore because the shared hallways/elevators/front door would have meant we couldn’t even do that type of drop off (versus from our SFH to our car to their SFH).

The only other human contact we’ve had is waving when walking the dog (our yard isn’t fenced, so walking her is necessary). My next door neighbor and I are even making sure our kids aren’t playing in the yard at the same time (our yards are small and separated by a chain link fence) just in case.

[boiler717]

I have a question because both my family and my parents have not seen anyone or been anywhere (including groceries, pharmacy, etc) in almost 3 weeks. When we get deliveries we wear gloves and bring in the garage for 3-5 days. Anything perishable gets wiped down / washed. If we only see each other, how much of an increased risk is it? We could greatly use childcare help from them. Right now if they do help, they are staying outside and staying 6’+ away from our son. But it would be great to have other assistance, too.

[emilyinchile]

I think part of the problem in deciding these things is that there is one answer for what is actually safe in terms of contagion risk and another answer that's the right thing to do.

As I understand it, someone is very unlikely to get sick from watching a grandchild from across the street or drinking wine on opposite sides of a yard. Responsible people could probably do that every day with no issue. BUT people are total idiots, and if some of us are out socializing even in responsible ways then that makes it easier for people to justify less responsible activities, like being closer to each other or going out to stores more often or whatever stupid shit people keep doing. Unfortunately right now it feels like we all need to participate in creating a culture where it's not normal or ok to be out.

That said, boiler717, it sounds like you and your parents are all totally isolated and would be fine to be physically together. I live in an apartment building and have to walk my dog outside every day, so I couldn't claim to be 100% isolated even if I didn't have to go into the grocery store occasionally, but it sounds like you are in a sterile bubble!

[goldengirlz]

Apr 2, 2020 13:56:48 GMT -5 leeloo said:

The “6ft rule” is if you HAVE to be around others. Not so you can be around others socially. It’s for when you need groceries or medications or have to go to work. Not driveway happy hours and walking with friends 6ft apart. These behaviors are just going to keep us all cooped up longer with more and more restrictions because people push it.

Yes, this. It’s going against the spirit of what we’re supposed to be doing. People are taking it way too literally.

That said, there may indeed be some special snowflake cases; in some states (maybe even most), checking on elderly relatives would be considered an “essential” activity. I think we all know in our hearts whether our parents and grandparents fall into this category, or whether we’re toeing the line just because. If you’re concerned about their mental or physical health, and you have no other choice, of course go (with the proper precautions.)

I haven’t seen my parents since August. I was supposed to be there next week and now I can’t. I’m trying to muster sympathy for people who live locally to their families who are now bellyaching that they can’t see a relative for a few months; I get that it’s a bummer, but have some perspective.

[janegold]

boiler717, we are in the same situation and were thinking of doing that with our ILs. But we all got cold feet. My MIL almost died of pneumonia two years ago and there’s a seriously good chance she wouldn’t recover if she got COVID-19. We just couldn’t stomach the risk, and never would have forgiven ourselves if something happened.

On the other hand, my parents are healthy and I would feel a lot less concerned in the same situation with them (but they don’t live nearby). So I think it depends on individual circumstances and everyone’s comfort level. At the end of the day, there are no guarantees and everything entails some level of risk.

[scout8]

Apr 2, 2020 15:31:01 GMT -5 purplepenguin7 said:

Apr 2, 2020 13:56:48 GMT -5 leeloo said:

The “6ft rule” is if you HAVE to be around others. Not so you can be around others socially. It’s for when you need groceries or medications or have to go to work. Not driveway happy hours and walking with friends 6ft apart. These behaviors are just going to keep us all cooped up longer with more and more restrictions because people push it.

thank you, this is a great reminder and definitely makes sense.  

and thank you everyone for opinions and advice.  I know that i said 6ft in my OP, but if (IF) we do this it would definitely be much more than 6 feet apart.  It would be from way afar and really just a way to "see" her without contact.  It would basically be end of the driveway to front door and just a wave hi.  We are still thinking it through and learning towards no. I appreciate all the thoughts here.

I think this is fine. I don't see how that is risky at all.

[rubysoh0]

Apr 2, 2020 17:36:25 GMT -5 boiler717 said:

I have a question because both my family and my parents have not seen anyone or been anywhere (including groceries, pharmacy, etc) in almost 3 weeks. When we get deliveries we wear gloves and bring in the garage for 3-5 days. Anything perishable gets wiped down / washed. If we only see each other, how much of an increased risk is it? We could greatly use childcare help from them. Right now if they do help, they are staying outside and staying 6’+ away from our son. But it would be great to have other assistance, too.

This is similar to my situation. My mom is my childcare (she’s always been) and I wouldn’t be able to work without her help. My husband is essential and gone for 12 hour days.
We are doing grocery pickups and haven’t been anywhere in weeks.
I feel differently about social type of visits but if it’s necessary to stay employed then I feel like you just need to do the absolute best you can.

[krystee]

Apr 2, 2020 17:36:25 GMT -5 boiler717 said:

I have a question because both my family and my parents have not seen anyone or been anywhere (including groceries, pharmacy, etc) in almost 3 weeks. When we get deliveries we wear gloves and bring in the garage for 3-5 days. Anything perishable gets wiped down / washed. If we only see each other, how much of an increased risk is it? We could greatly use childcare help from them. Right now if they do help, they are staying outside and staying 6’+ away from our son. But it would be great to have other assistance, too.

We are in this situation with our daycare provider and we are having her watch the kids three times a week. I’m sure there are many reasons not to, but I have a toddler and we both have jobs that require 7+ hours of conference calls a day. I can’t have him neglected for potentially months.

ETA: I should add that she is obviously not watching other kids or we wouldn’t do this.

[wanderingback]

Apr 2, 2020 17:36:25 GMT -5 boiler717 said:

I have a question because both my family and my parents have not seen anyone or been anywhere (including groceries, pharmacy, etc) in almost 3 weeks. When we get deliveries we wear gloves and bring in the garage for 3-5 days. Anything perishable gets wiped down / washed. If we only see each other, how much of an increased risk is it? We could greatly use childcare help from them. Right now if they do help, they are staying outside and staying 6’+ away from our son. But it would be great to have other assistance, too.

If you have childcare needs then that’s different than a visit for fun. Of course if you have to work and need someone to watch your child then that’s what you have to do. Since you just mention a son, I’m going to assume you only have 1 child so that you could have 1 person to care for him and not 2 or more, so that’s what I’d do to keep the risk low while being able to keep your job.

[sonrisa]

We visit my mom once a week. We go down the back stairs to her back deck and she stays inside, screen closed but door open. We stay outside, in the wind about 10 feet away at the closest point - the kids often just clamber out on the hills.

My mom is very much an extrovert and lives alone in a house where you can't see the neighbors at all. If we didn't do this, she would almost certainly try to drop by our place to "drop something off for the girls" or some such risky stunt. At least this way no items are changing hands, I can control the distancing and she isn't coming to our house where the chance of contagion is much higher.

[candreco]

We're going to pack a lunch to go eat in my parents front yard tomorrow while they eat on their porch. No sharing food, no touching, at least 10' away at all times. We've all been taking isolation seriously so risk is minimal all around. I think we all need it for mental health.