I would only be super annoyed at whoever told Grandma to show up on your doorstep. They should have had you porch drop the toddler at their house. If the only exposure you had was the toddler, I would call that minimal risk and be fine with it. I would have helped out in that situation because I can’t imagine how stressful it is to be pregnant and due right now.
Can you imagine going into labor and the only person who can care for your toddler while you are in the hospital is your husband's coworker whose wife resents it? That would be an awful and impossible position to be in.
You either have to go without a companion and advocate during one of the worst things you are going to endure in life (something where having a advocate can be the difference between life and death - in my case it would have meant disability) or leaving the child with you. I feel awful for those people.
I wish they'd had anyone else they could call since obviously you were the wrong person.
Yes, I asked a lot of people to watch DS when my mom was coming in. I was having nightmares about it so I thought it might be the only way to stop the nightmares. However, I asked people that I knew better than the relationship that you presented in the post. They were my co-workers, college friends and neighbors. In the end my mom came in time, and I didn't need to use any of them.
It was not a pandemic, so obviously that throws everything normal out the window. And I think I felt that I knew them better than you, but maybe the husbands felt they knew each other well (co-workers), but not the wives. But no in general I don't think it's wrong to ask for help when going into labor.
I’m due in 6 weeks. Is it possible for family to fly in a bit earlier so they can have a better chance of being there/it will be at least two weeks since they traveled when baby likely arrives?
My parents were in town for the month of March already and were going to fly home April 2 and back in late May, when I would have been 38+2. I asked them to come back pre-38 weeks if they were going to go back and forth, so they’d hopefully be able to quarantine for two weeks before being around our kids and then the newborn. Luckily they decided to just stay the whole time. They have a condo near our house so they wouldn’t have to be with us while they quarantined.
Our alternative scenario was just that my husband wouldn’t be there during delivery. Not a huge deal for me since it’s our 4th kid and my previous labors have been really quick. But if I had longer labors or if a complication arose that would not be fun.
Post by turnipthebeet on Apr 25, 2020 19:10:02 GMT -5
I was the little kid left with virtual strangers when my baby brother was born. They had older kids and I thought it was so much fun! I still remember it! My parents were super it-takea-a-village, and I tend to lean the same way.
I would have absolutely not let grandma into my house. How did she get in??? It would have been a “kid, go outside and see granny, I’ll pack up your belongings”.
Yes, H and I clearly not on the same page. Coworker broached topic in late March. H knew I was apprehensive and we just kind of shelved the topic until May. In retrospect that was a mistake. I should know babies sometimes show up early. H has also been working insane hours so that hasn’t helped our communication.
Ugh. The pandemic and quarantine have just made me kind of crazy and I appreciate outside perspective. I felt like a jerk asking people in real life. We’re low risk so hopefully it will be fine.
You are amazing for helping out that family! I'd be nervous about exposure too (particularly from the grandmother, wtf!) but nothing you can do at this point but cross your fingers.
I was induced 4 weeks early and we did not have a backup plan for our son which meant my husband got to the hospital about 20 minutes before I had an emergency c-section, after dropping our son off at school. It totally sucked and I still have some feelings about it, but I would never have imposed on another family to take my child. I’m sorry that you had to deal with that.
I think it's fine if you made another choice not to "impose" on another family, but I'm a big believer in "it takes a village." So if someone else has chosen a different decision I think that's perfectly reasonable.
I think giving birth is a very reasonable time for someone to have support and an advocate. For me personally (obviously all hypothetical since I don't have a child, nor am I pregnant) I would absolutely ask someone whom I thought was a responsible adult to watch my child so I had an advocate while giving birth. I'm going to do everything in my power to not become another statistic. (ETA: I'm not trying to blame maternal mortality on us, it's about systemic racism, but hopefully my point comes across and that's another discussion for another day).
As someone who doesn't have children I would absolutely watch a friend, coworkers or acquaintances child if they needed me to do so in a pinch. I've offered it up to my friends multiple times.
Thank you for this. I guess imposed is the wrong word because in a normal world if someone asked me to do it for them I would more than likely be happy to do it. I guess it’s more that just like the coworker I didn’t have any close friends in the area so I would view it as an imposition on someone else, but probably the other family wouldn’t have viewed it that way.
Can you imagine going into labor and the only person who can care for your toddler while you are in the hospital is your husband's coworker whose wife resents it? That would be an awful and impossible position to be in.
You either have to go without a companion and advocate during one of the worst things you are going to endure in life (something where having a advocate can be the difference between life and death - in my case it would have meant disability) or leaving the child with you. I feel awful for those people.
I wish they'd had anyone else they could call since obviously you were the wrong person.
Can you imagine going into labor and the only person who can care for your toddler while you are in the hospital is your husband's coworker whose wife resents it? That would be an awful and impossible position to be in.
You either have to go without a companion and advocate during one of the worst things you are going to endure in life (something where having a advocate can be the difference between life and death - in my case it would have meant disability) or leaving the child with you. I feel awful for those people.
I wish they'd had anyone else they could call since obviously you were the wrong person.
Kim, there’s people that are dying.... (From COVID)
Ok but seriously, yes its awful for the pregnant couple. It’s also really crappy to have your quarantine broken by someone you barely know THEN be exposed by a second person that you don’t know at all who could be exposed to hundreds of people in the airport let alone who knows before.
Yes, H and I clearly not on the same page. Coworker broached topic in late March. H knew I was apprehensive and we just kind of shelved the topic until May. In retrospect that was a mistake. I should know babies sometimes show up early. H has also been working insane hours so that hasn’t helped our communication.
Ugh. The pandemic and quarantine have just made me kind of crazy and I appreciate outside perspective. I felt like a jerk asking people in real life. We’re low risk so hopefully it will be fine.
You are amazing for helping out that family! I'd be nervous about exposure too (particularly from the grandmother, wtf!) but nothing you can do at this point but cross your fingers.
Thank you for saying this. When I say that I was annoyed I’m mainly referring to the lack of communication from multiple parties (I guess myself included) and the disregard of doing this as safely as possible. And I was scared, honestly. In normal times I would have been the first to offer. But these are not normal times, obviously.
We actually had fun when she was here. She was super chill and the kids loved playing mama with her. It was the highlight of their month.
I'd be pissed at grandma for waltzing into your house. I'd worry she must not be too strict about staying away from people in general if she felt ok doing that.
Everyone else, it sounds like poor communication but also everyone did the best they could in a tough situation. As someone who lives far from family, I have empathy for the lack of social support they probably have if they have to ask a family they don't know well to do this. And I have empathy for OP, who i think did the right thing but I would have been uncomfortable now too.
Nothing you can do now, let's just all cross our fingers you remain healthy!
Can I ask a dumb question? Let's say grandma was exposed at the airport or on the plane and she has coronavirus. How soon after exposure does a person start shedding the virus themselves?
In my mind it probably takes more than a few hours for her bodily fluids and breath and whatever to have enough viral load to infect someone else. But I'm basing that off of nothing.
Regardless, I think taking in the toddler was the right thing to do. I understand being nervous and uncomfortable (and angry and yourself and husband for not finalizing and communicating a decision), but I think your risk was relatively low. I wouldn't have wanted grandma all over the house either, but I thing your risk is still pretty low.
I was the little kid left with virtual strangers when my baby brother was born. They had older kids and I thought it was so much fun! I still remember it! My parents were super it-takea-a-village, and I tend to lean the same way.
I would have absolutely not let grandma into my house. How did she get in??? It would have been a “kid, go outside and see granny, I’ll pack up your belongings”.
She just appeared at our back door while I was making dinner. I wasn’t expecting her. I hadn’t heard anything and expected to have the toddler one more night. I was confused and opened the door and she just walked in.
Can I ask a dumb question? Let's say grandma was exposed at the airport or on the plane and she has coronavirus. How soon after exposure does a person start shedding the virus themselves?
In my mind it probably takes more than a few hours for her bodily fluids and breath and whatever to have enough viral load to infect someone else. But I'm basing that off of nothing.
Regardless, I think taking in the toddler was the right thing to do. I understand being nervous and uncomfortable (and angry and yourself and husband for not finalizing and communicating a decision), but I think your risk was relatively low. I wouldn't have wanted grandma all over the house either, but I thing your risk is still pretty low.
That’s what I’m hoping too. Maybe she had fomites (is that the correct usage?) on her shoes but she herself wouldn’t have it in her body in contagious amounts.
Edited to add: ah, the shoes would be the fomites.
Post by JayhawkGirl on Apr 25, 2020 21:19:12 GMT -5
Instructions are to not shake your clothes heading into the laundry to not spread the virus so my thought is yes, her walking through the house is a risk, let alone off an airplane. Long before this we had long had DH shower and change when he gets home from work trips. THEN the kids tackle hug him
Post by penguingrrl on Apr 25, 2020 21:28:17 GMT -5
Honestly, we are all quarantining carefully so those in actual need to break it are as safe as possible. This is a case where it needed to be broken, scary though it is.
If I went into labor 4+ weeks early you’d better believe I would need my husband there with me, or at least fully accessible and not trying to meet the needs of my toddler. That early can mean there’s something wrong and if I’m unconscious (as SIL was in a very emergent C with her second) I want to know my husband is there and fully aware of my wishes.
The only one I see as at fault here is the grandmother, but I’m going to assume she was also in a slightly panicked state knowing her daughter/DIL went into premature labor and a non family member is watching her other grandchild. No, she should not have shown up unannounced or come in versus having you gather the child’s stuff, but it sounds like she panic flew to be there and her world was presumptively upended too.
I wouldn’t even think about worrying about testing until and unless anyone in your home is symptomatic (although then I would be quick to seek testing). I would hope and assume that everyone from that family was hyper vigilant knowing there was a newborn coming home, especially in the middle of a pandemic.
You and your family are good people for taking that toddler in and caring for them through this.
I was the little kid left with virtual strangers when my baby brother was born. They had older kids and I thought it was so much fun! I still remember it! My parents were super it-takea-a-village, and I tend to lean the same way.
I would have absolutely not let grandma into my house. How did she get in??? It would have been a “kid, go outside and see granny, I’ll pack up your belongings”.
She just appeared at our back door while I was making dinner. I wasn’t expecting her. I hadn’t heard anything and expected to have the toddler one more night. I was confused and opened the door and she just walked in.
Jesus that’s some nerve. Even outside of COVID, nobody I don’t know is waltzing into my house, and especially not from the back door.
UO, my plan all along would have been for my husband to go home and be with our toddler.
My husband was not there during the exact moment of the birth of our children. They were born in the surgical suite, C-sections. He was right outside and saw them as soon as they were cleaned up and wheeled out. He gets squeamish around medical stuff so I was ok with it. But we had childcare for #2. I would have been ok with him being home given the circumstances of today.
But I know I can advocate for myself. I nearly died with a rare illness between my two pregnancies. My husband watched me deteriorate for 10 hours but trusted the doctors and had no idea what to do with me. He left hours before my brother showed up and listened to me and moved me to another hospital against medical advice. So perhaps I am in the minority.
I can and do advocate for myself, but that is incredibly difficult to do when you are sedated or in a position where you can¹t move. I had surgery this summer, pacu was a cluster (pacu nurse was fired). I had to keep insisting they go get my husband, who I had talked to about pain management, nausea control, and a few other things. They monitored me poorly, told me they didnt have crackers when I asked to try to keep food down, and my records show me continuing to be administered narcotics after discharge (they won't say why the nurse was fired, but I do wonder if that was part of it). I couldn't advocate myself out of that. And it sounds like no one was listening to you until a family member advocated your wishes. I think that is imperative- patients need advocates.
I couldn't move either during my medical emergency but was conscious so I can totally empathize with that part. I think what was different about the birth experiences was that I knew and trusted my delivering physicians 1000% to not screw up on me if there were complications at any point, especially when I had #2. Also I felt the chances were high that I would be conscious enough to yell and start some drama if someone was preparing to do something I didn't medically agree with and my physician wasn't around. However, I understand many women are not in the same situation from the horror stories I read. I also think there is a lot of emphasis that the father *has* to be there to experience the magic. No one ever dares to mention that dad could stay home with the other kids because it doesn't fit with today's narrative of what a birth experience is supposed to be in 2020.
I can and do advocate for myself, but that is incredibly difficult to do when you are sedated or in a position where you can¹t move. I had surgery this summer, pacu was a cluster (pacu nurse was fired). I had to keep insisting they go get my husband, who I had talked to about pain management, nausea control, and a few other things. They monitored me poorly, told me they didnt have crackers when I asked to try to keep food down, and my records show me continuing to be administered narcotics after discharge (they won't say why the nurse was fired, but I do wonder if that was part of it). I couldn't advocate myself out of that. And it sounds like no one was listening to you until a family member advocated your wishes. I think that is imperative- patients need advocates.
I couldn't move either during my medical emergency but was conscious so I can totally empathize with that part. I think what was different about the birth experiences was that I knew and trusted my delivering physicians 1000% to not screw up on me if there were complications at any point, especially when I had #2. Also I felt the chances were high that I would be conscious enough to yell and start some drama if someone was preparing to do something I didn't medically agree with and my physician wasn't around. However, I understand many women are not in the same situation from the horror stories I read. I also think there is a lot of emphasis that the father *has* to be there to experience the magic. No one ever dares to mention that dad could stay home with the other kids because it doesn't fit with today's narrative of what a birth experience is supposed to be in 2020.
That’s bullshit. My husband gave half of his dna to make our children - they are as much his as they are mine. He (and any other fathers) have every right to want to be there for the birth of their child. Some of us want to experience those moments with our husbands.
That’s bullshit. My husband gave half of his dna to make our children - they are as much his as they are mine. He (and any other fathers) have every right to want to be there for the birth of their child. Some of us want to experience those moments with our husbands.
OK, fair point. So what would your backup plan for the toddler be in this situation?
That’s bullshit. My husband gave half of his dna to make our children - they are as much his as they are mine. He (and any other fathers) have every right to want to be there for the birth of their child. Some of us want to experience those moments with our husbands.
OK, fair point. So what would your backup plan for the toddler be in this situation?
We had a multi-tiered system for care for our 1st when I was pregnant with our 2nd. I think probably 6th or 7th down the list would have been H missing the birth to care for her.
Of course it’s an option but you come off as completely unreasonable when you suggest that people are wrong for wanting their husbands with them at the birth.
But I know I can advocate for myself. I nearly died with a rare illness between my two pregnancies. My husband watched me deteriorate for 10 hours but trusted the doctors and had no idea what to do with me. He left hours before my brother showed up and listened to me and moved me to another hospital against medical advice. So perhaps I am in the minority.
I'm sorry you went through that. I'm glad you were able to get the help you needed with your brother's assistance and I'm sorry that your husband failed to be the advocate you needed.
You do see why your anecdote illustrates exactly why sometimes people need outside support to get the medical care they need, right?
I knew what I needed. I let the nurses know. It only happened to the degree my husband was able to help. Just like you knew what you needed but only got it because your brother could help.
We had a multi-tiered system for care for our 1st when I was pregnant with our 2nd. I think probably 6th or 7th down the list would have been H missing the birth to care for her.
Of course it’s an option but you come off as completely unreasonable when you suggest that people are wrong for wanting their husbands with them at the birth.
I don’t see where she said people are wrong for wanting that, it’s totally normal to want that. I think giving birth, now, during a pandemic, is a totally different experience. To say your H not being there was 6th or 7th down the list seems like you have more support than a lot of people. This obviously wasn’t the case for the family mentioned in the OP.
I think that Sent has moved far beyond the specific scenario in the OP. She posted about how she would “yell and cause drama” to advocate for herself (which is rich, considering that she later said her own brother advocating for her was important), as if those that needed support were just to weak to do that ourselves or something. And then this:
If we were to turn this situation around and someone came here and said "My family is out of town and I'm in labor with no one to watch my kids" I guarantee everyone here would have said "Call the coworker. I'm sure they won't mind" instead of tell your H to miss the birth. LOL at judging this family for relying on their village which apparently is very small.
Yes, grandma should not have waltzed into the house, but I can't judge these people for doing the best they could. Although--they should have communicated a little more clearly especially regarding providing a timeline when grandma would show up.
Post by flamingeaux on Apr 27, 2020 8:20:15 GMT -5
It's true grandma could have been waltzing through the airport touching everything, but it's equally likely (unless she said something that would make you think otherwise), that she'd been quarantined as long as you have, since she knew she would be around a newborn and would have touched nothing and wore gloves and a mask, and hadn't been told that you guys had been isolating, so she rushed in to get her granddaughter's stuff and get her back to a known safe environment.
My point is don't panic and assume that your social distancing has been blown to hell. Ask your H if he's seen coworker taking proper precautions at work/ or if he's swung the other way. Either way it sounds like it's time to send H out for wine ...and lysol just to be safe.
Post by downtoearth on Apr 27, 2020 9:12:25 GMT -5
When people have no close friends and have to go to the hospital, I would have said yes. And I would have let the Grandma in and given her bathroom/help getting toddler. I also would have made my own kids stay away from Grandma and then sanitized after, but I would have done it for a coworker who had nobody else too. I would also probably keep more away from others (and my kids too) for the next 10-12 days just in case. Like not see my parents who I help routinely.
I couldn't move either during my medical emergency but was conscious so I can totally empathize with that part. I think what was different about the birth experiences was that I knew and trusted my delivering physicians 1000% to not screw up on me if there were complications at any point, especially when I had #2. Also I felt the chances were high that I would be conscious enough to yell and start some drama if someone was preparing to do something I didn't medically agree with and my physician wasn't around. However, I understand many women are not in the same situation from the horror stories I read. I also think there is a lot of emphasis that the father *has* to be there to experience the magic. No one ever dares to mention that dad could stay home with the other kids because it doesn't fit with today's narrative of what a birth experience is supposed to be in 2020.
That’s bullshit. My husband gave half of his dna to make our children - they are as much his as they are mine. He (and any other fathers) have every right to want to be there for the birth of their child. Some of us want to experience those moments with our husbands.
I don't see sent suggesting that the children are any less a father's than a mother's. This is ... quite the leap.
FWIW, I didn't care if my husband came or not. I left it up to him. He chose to attend both births, which was fine with me. It was nice having him there but not mandatory for me. Having my sister there was mandatory for me.