MOOKs: Kids acting out?

[picksthemusic]

So DD has been acting out lately, so much so that we've had to 'ground' her, for whatever that's worth these days. She has no real outlets right now, so life is hard for her. She's 8, almost 9, and we're doing the best we can with the circumstances we're in right now with C19 and quarantine. Essentially, she's been deceitful (doing things she knows she's not supposed to do and then lying about it when we find out), being mean to her brother, and isn't listening when we tell her to do things, etc. It's not any of those things individually that caused the 'grounding', but a combo of all of them coming to a head about a week ago. Part of me thinks we're being cruel by taking away so much, but she's just. not. getting it.

How are you all dealing with discipline right now? I hate to take away things that make her happy, but TV and video games and calling family on FaceTime are her only currency right now. I can't take away play dates or forego outings. She had a Girl Scout Zoom meeting last night and had fun doing that (I wouldn't take that away from her), but then she turned around that night and put cold water washcloth on her brother after he went to sleep as a 'joke'. It was harmless, really, but I totally lost it on her. I told her she was mean, and that if she didn't shape up I'd take away ballet lessons (her only other outlet outside the house). She also has to do summer school for a month, too, so she does get that interaction.

I suggested last night to DH that we should take the kids to the beach since we really haven't let them leave the house since March. I know they're tired of each other, and of being in the house. He's against it because he doesn't want to go where there are a ton of people. I told him our beaches around here are rarely full of people, so I think I'm wearing him down. Our kids need it.

I guess I needed to vent, but if anyone has suggestions on this stuff, I'm all ears.

TIA!

[VillainV]

I can commiserate. C is 6, but has been having similar issues. Having me work from home has been a HUGE challenge for him because he hates when I’m around but can’t give him attention.m, and he acts out in all kinds of ways to get that attention.

Can you and your daughter do some kind of mother-daughter activity that’s just you and her? Go for a hike? Have a picnic in the backyard? Go get takeout from the ice cream shop? Maybe some one-on-one time will help improve her behavior.

Also, all kids are different, but C LOSES HIS MIND when we take stuff away. It’s a huge issue, and it doesn’t do a damn thing to improve his behavior — it just pisses him off. We have found that we have to give him a way to “earn back” whatever we’ve taken away through good behavior. When we offer him an achievable way of earning something back, he rises to the occasion.

[picksthemusic]

Jul 1, 2020 11:17:01 GMT -5 VillainV said:

I can commiserate. C is 6, but has been having similar issues. Having me work from home has been a HUGE challenge for him because he hates when I’m around but can’t give him attention.m, and he acts out in all kinds of ways to get that attention.

Can you and your daughter do some kind of mother-daughter activity that’s just you and her? Go for a hike? Have a picnic in the backyard? Go get takeout from the ice cream shop? Maybe some one-on-one time will help improve her behavior.

Also, all kids are different, but C LOSES HIS MIND when we take stuff away. It’s a huge issue, and it doesn’t do a damn thing to improve his behavior — it just pisses him off. We have found that we have to give him a way to “earn back” whatever we’ve taken away through good behavior. When we offer him an achievable way of earning something back, he rises to the occasion.

This is all good advice. We're trying to do stuff like that, and I think with the long weekend coming up, we'll be able to achieve some of this.

Earning back is great - we've given them chores to do, but are inconsistent. She is a pleaser, so hopefully giving her ways to earn back her privileges (not just with good behavior) will help so she has something concrete to go on.

Thank you!! I appreciate the commiseration, too. Solidarity!

[Ashley&Scott]

I would try to find a way to get the kids out of the house more often while still social distancing. Go on a bike ride or walk around your neighborhood. Go hiking, go for a drive, have a picnic, take a soccer ball and go to an open park area. My kids are loving car picnics, we started them early on in the pandemic. (it is how it sounds, popping the truck and sitting in the back of our SUV while we eat.)

Our oldest is 8. I've noticed he LOVES little bits of independence & responsibility that we give him. We let him walk down the street alone to get the mail. He's also allowed to ride his bike down the street & back without an adult with him. (In both instances, we're outside and can see him.) He recently made dinner for our family, which he loved! It was just PB&J with fresh fruit sides but he was so proud of himself. It also helped him realize how much work it is to make dinner and clean up.

During quarantine we've been having an issue with whining & baby talk while DH & I have also been swearing more. We decided to make a quarter jar. Each person has a set amount of quarters, whenever DS whines or talks like a baby he owes a quarter. If DH or I swear then we owe a quarter. Once someone runs our of quarters the competition is over and the remaining person with the most quarters left in their stash wins the jar. We've been doing this for about 2 weeks now, DS has only had to put in about 6 quarters so he's currently winning.

[picksthemusic]

Jul 1, 2020 12:06:49 GMT -5 Ashley&Scott said:

I would try to find a way to get the kids out of the house more often while still social distancing. Go on a bike ride or walk around your neighborhood. Go hiking, go for a drive, have a picnic, take a soccer ball and go to an open park area. My kids are loving car picnics, we started them early on in the pandemic. (it is how it sounds, popping the truck and sitting in the back of our SUV while we eat.)

Our oldest is 8. I've noticed he LOVES little bits of independence & responsibility that we give him. We let him walk down the street alone to get the mail. He's also allowed to ride his bike down the street & back without an adult with him. (In both instances, we're outside and can see him.) He recently made dinner for our family, which he loved! It was just PB&J with fresh fruit sides but he was so proud of himself. It also helped him realize how much work it is to make dinner and clean up.

During quarantine we've been having an issue with whining & baby talk while DH & I have also been swearing more. We decided to make a quarter jar. Each person has a set amount of quarters, whenever DS whines or talks like a baby he owes a quarter. If DH or I swear then we owe a quarter. Once someone runs our of quarters the competition is over and the remaining person with the most quarters left in their stash wins the jar. We've been doing this for about 2 weeks now, DS has only had to put in about 6 quarters so he's currently winning.

So good! Love the ideas here. I'm definitely on board for more outside the house time. DH is such a homebody though, that it takes a toll on the rest of us. I'm sure he'd be okay with me taking the kids out of the house on my own so he can have some quiet time.

I'll see if DD wants to make dinner, too! She has a couple of cookbooks that she loves so I'll see if she wants to do something like that. She's desperate for independence so this is a good start.

[dcn]

Ds1 is 7 and when he acts like this it’s his way of communicating that something is not right in his world. Obviously that’s a lot right now! Behavior is communication.

I try to increase positive interactions with him, while ignoring as much of the junk and undesirable behavior as i can. I give him stuff I know he can succeed at to kind of fill up his cup. I think kids know when they are acting out. They may not know why! I try to check in more too when he’s being a jerk.

Yes to getting out of the house! It’s been so hot here and we have all been cranky stuck inside. Today it is cooler (only 90 lolsob) so we went for a bike ride and then I set up our splash pad thing in the backyard. Kids are much more pleasant today.

[expectantsteelerfan]

I posted previously about not really knowing how to discipline my 8 almost 9 dd right now too because her behavior is off the charts. It's like all her usual acting out behaviors are magnified and multiplied. So we're dealing with a lot of crying uncontrollably at the drop of a hat, screaming that 'I just can't take this anymore', her calling her brother an idiot and them fighting in general, and basically all requests that we make of her in the moment met with 'WAIT!' or 'I CAN'T!'. Nothing is really working and we are getting out a good bit (our pool is open so we go 3x a week, plus have done outdoor distanced meetups with friends and what not to hike, berry pick, etc.), so I have no advice, just commiseration.

[abs]

DD is 9 and really struggling. She's a super social kid who needs a ton of physical activity to stay happy and well here we are in a place where it's a million degrees and she's the only kid.

We really aren't disciplining. I mean I remind her that being mean to us isn't acceptable but I also know that isn't her usual personality and she's hurting. Disciplining for acting out just seems kind of mean when she's lost so much already. She's mourning her life of a few months ago just like we all are. Getting out of the house helps a ton and we try to go swimming most days. I also try to give her a lot more attention which is SO hard on me but it's what she needs.

Anyway there is no real advice in there just commiseration.

[sdlaura]

I personally wouldn’t threaten to take away one of her very few outside the house activities. I know it’s frustrating and my kids are acting out, too. FWIW, we go to the beach all the time and haven’t had an issue distancing even on relatively crowded beaches.

[CloudBee]

We're having a difficult time taking away media right now, because it's his one true outlet to the outside world.

DS is 7 and going through phases of struggle, and going with the flow.

Rather than advice on punishment, because that's not working well for us in the age of Covid, I'll tell you what we're doing to make life feel a bit more normal for our DS.

- Lots of video calls with his friends through Kids Messenger, usually while playing Minecraft, Animal Crossing, etc.
- Live Outschool classes
- Live extra curricular via Zoom

We're spraying him with the hose a LOT. It's so boring for me after 5 minutes, but gets him running around. There's something about water play in the summer that completely turns his spirits around. We also ordered something like 10 packs of those easy to fill water balloons. It still costs less than one day at a water park, and is days worth of fun.

Right now I'm on my bed escaping him, and he's on the couch watching the most annoying YouTuber. But... I think he really needed time to tune ME out, too. He reads off and on all day long, but there's something about staring at the TV when we're feeling a bit tense, that resets him.

It's so exhausting, all of this work put into "normalizing" a world that is currently so abnormal. You're doing a great job, and so is she. We'll get through this.

[CloudBee]

FWIW, putting a wet washcloth on a sibling isn't a huge offense. I know you probably had a lot of emotion built up already and it just came out. But that's typical sibling stuff. It was likely a subconscious attempt to wake them up so she wouldn't have to be alone. Again. In a world where our lives are being spent mostly alone. I bet she wanted them awake to hang with, and her 8 year old self knew flat out waking him wouldn't be ok, so she made a game of it.

We aren't ready to get ice cream out, yet. But I often give DS those cheapie popsicles in a tube when we're in the car and drive around. We're packing lots of treats when we need to ride in the car so it makes the experience feel special.

Can you hit up the beach early in the morning or at dusk, when the daytime family crowd is gone?

[waverly]

Since I am back to work in person we have a nanny for the summer that comes 4 days a week. It’s so nice for them to see another person. She is tired of being at home, so she takes them to all the parks (they just opened), and the dog park since we have a dog and to her mom’s house which has a pool. Ditto water play.

At the beginning of covid I bought the kids lots of things to do and way more toys than usual almost once a week they got something new. I tapered that off for the summer, so now we are taking away TV and also we do timeouts. Not frequently but we still do them. If they are really upsetting us then they go to their room but time ours are usually right with us there but they have to sit in the chair.

DS was doing things like spraying the dog with a hose which the dog was not a fan of. They still need more supervision than I would like at age 9 and 7 but they fight a lot

[dochas]

Jul 1, 2020 15:06:30 GMT -5 CloudBee said:

FWIW, putting a wet washcloth on a sibling isn't a huge offense. I know you probably had a lot of emotion built up already and it just came out. But that's typical sibling stuff. It was likely a subconscious attempt to wake them up so she wouldn't have to be alone. Again. In a world where our lives are being spent mostly alone. I bet she wanted them awake to hang with, and her 8 year old self knew flat out waking him wouldn't be ok, so she made a game of it.

We aren't ready to get ice cream out, yet. But I often give DS those cheapie popsicles in a tube when we're in the car and drive around. We're packing lots of treats when we need to ride in the car so it makes the experience feel special.

Can you hit up the beach early in the morning or at dusk, when the daytime family crowd is gone?

Annoying a sleeping sibling isn't okay. I know it's a lot to stay in top of a lot of things between siblings, but this isn't something that should be ignored, or something you should let them "work out".

[ellipses84]

DS1 turned 9 during quarantine and we are facing a lot of the same issues. He’s a total rule follower at school but can push the limits at home. He’s been pretty easy going from age 4-8. In June, we drove to stay with and help out family with medical/childcare issues and I was hoping being around other people including 2 cousins his age would help, but we had a couple weeks where his behavior was off the charts awful. In addition to a lot of sibling rivalry, yelling “You’re not the boss of me” and slamming doors, he slapped me once. He also got angry for no reason during a walk and went 3 blocks back to his cousin’s house without saying anything to us and was out of my sight in a neighborhood with no sidewalks that he’s unfamiliar with. My sister reminded me how awful my nephew’s behavior was on vacation at my house when he was that age (and it was the angriest I’d ever seen her as a parent). It’s an age where they want autonomy and independence and aren’t mentally mature enough to handle everything they want to do.

Covid is not helping our situation. Too much screen time / lack of structure in his day was an issue and it was a constant battle of taking away electronics and having him feel angry and like we weren’t being fair. He was also having a lot of anxiety. I didn’t realize it when we were home, but when we started going places with masks, both my kids were freaking out like there are too many people here, even if we were socially distanced outside. I could tell he had listened to a lot of adult talk about Covid and internalized it even if we thought he wasn’t paying attention at the time. The behavior improved when I had a heart to heart talk with him about how we can work through this together and he told me he’d been having nightmares every night for two weeks. Once we got the nightmares to stop, he’s sleeping better and acting better.

We also talked about actions and consequences. Previously, If he was defiant and I threatened to take away screen time, or took it away for a day, I could threaten an extra day and he’d shape up. He was so defiant he ended up losing it for a week and he was so angry, plus I had nothing else to take away. They are still at an age where immediate consequences are more effective. After that week we agreed any poor behavior would lose his Nintendo switch and/or screen time for the rest of the day. On the 2nd day, he will always have the opportunity to earn it back by doing a list of 9 items, which include chores, reading, practicing Spanish, playing inside, playing outside and playing with his brother, etc. If he chooses not to do the items, he can get privileges back on the third day. He gets 1 hour of Switch time a day and he can earn extra minutes by reading, chores, etc. He could also lose his privileges with poor behavior and the whole cycle of will start over. This puts the responsibility in his court, for the actions, consequences and privileges. It will be the same every time and DH and I have agreed to be consistent about it. So far it’s working. He’s only lost privileges a couple times and chosen to wait out the extra day rather than doing the list.

We borrowed some books from a friend since our libraries are closed and that made him happy, so he’s reading a lot. Also, having warm weather and a decent size inflatable to play in has helped more than any other outdoor activity. Down time away from other kids or a special outing with one parent has been good too.

[picksthemusic]

Thanks everyone!

I took DD to the store with me yesterday afternoon, and it was immediately helpful. It was just the two of us, and she loved being out and being able to have me all to herself.

We're excited about this weekend and the family time we'll get, and DH is on board with kid/parent days where we have specific days to spend time with the kids exclusively.

Thank you everyone - it's so nice to know we're not alone!

[hermione]

I’ve started taking C to the playground/beach at 7am. We leave by 10am when other people show up.