DD just turned 2 in May and I'm currently 11 weeks with #2. All my ultrasounds have looked good, I'm starting to feel less nauseous/tired all the time and I'm starting to have lots of feeeeelings. We planned to get pregnant so one one hand I'm really excited but on the other hand it's starting to feel very real and January does not seem all that far away anymore so I'm started to feel a little like what the hell were we thinking!?
Talk to me about transitioning from 1 to 2 kids? At first I felt, it'll be fine. We've done this before and DD is sweet and helpful so she'll be a good big sister. Now I'm like, this is going to be so rough and how early am I going to have to get up in the mornings now to get 2 kids to day care!?
My DS was 2.5 when DD was born and at first it was really hard. He was/is such a mama's boy and had a hard time sharing me. It helped that we continued to send him to daycare while I was on maternity leave, because I truly am not sure how I would have managed a breastfeeding newborn and a needy/sensitive toddler at the same time alone. So if you're not sending your DD to daycare I'd definitely line up some care in those early weeks at least.
It got easier though and quickly became our new normal. I remember in the early days I'd bring DS to the playground for special solo time and see moms alone with a baby and a toddler and think "I'll never be able to handle that", but a couple months later it was cake.
DS initially wanted nothing to do with DD, but now at 13 months she's become his little playmate and partner in crime (honestly he kind of treats her like a pet, but if it makes them both happy whatever lol).
My kids are 3.5 years apart, currently 4.5 and 1. The transition from 1 to 2 last year was soooo much easier for us than from 0 to 1. I felt more comfortable and confident and it all just felt smoother. We didn't have to figure out how to do anything new, our lives just got more full of the stuff we were already doing if that makes sense. We do a lot of dividing and conquering. At the busy times (e.g. bedtime), H takes DD and I take DS (because he was nursing). We have a lot less down time because we used to be able to tag team DD, and now being off-DD-duty usually means being on-DS-duty instead of being off, but that is the biggest thing. It's tiring but not impossible.
My kids have always been huge fans of each other, DD has loved on DS (albeit not always as gently as I'd like) from the very beginning, and he loves when she makes him laugh and smile. Not all siblings have that experience, but I love watching our two.
I was really worried too during my (planned and tried-for) pregnancy with DS. I didn't have a good relationship with my little brother when we were kids, and I had feelings about giving DD a little brother. But what I imagined/worried about and how it has played out have been really different.
Getting 2 to daycare can be rough - not enough hands - but it becomes the new normal soon enough and your older one will be big enough to be a helper and at a minimum walk on their own.
0 to 1 was a bigger adjustment, but 1 to 2 flat kicked my ass. Mine are 19 months apart. #2 is 13 months and I'm just now feeling like life is finally getting easier. He can walk and play like a kid, sleeps through the night, is no longer nursing, etc. I spent the first year wondering if we made a mistake and overspent ourselves. That feeling is getting less and less, and watching them interact is amazing.
For me, not getting a break was the hardest part. With #1 I EPd, so he started having sleepovers with grandma at 5 months. It was a lot easier to get time to myself. #2 refused a bottle so I was with him 24/7 for the first year except for a few rare instances. This Friday both kids are getting a sleepover and I'll have 24 child free hours!!
It's also been a rough year for my first since he was no longer the center of attention, we couldn't leave the house much, and babies are boring. Now that his brother can do the same stuff as him it's a lot better.
This feels like a downer post, but like I said, this year kicked my ass (also enter a genetic health concern and Covid). It does get better it's just taking longer than I expected.
Post by patches31709 on Jul 6, 2020 10:30:41 GMT -5
I found going from 1 to 2 to be easier than 0 to 1, but my kids are almost 4.5 years apart and DD2 is a magical unicorn baby that I've heard of, but didn't think I would ever get to experience.
Getting out the door will definitely take some practice and adjusting. My DD2 was supposed to start daycare when I went back to work right before she turned 6 months old, but of course covid had other plans. We did end up sending her a few weeks later when daycare opened back up, but we're both working from home so we have a lot more time in the mornings to get the girls ready and off to school. I suspect I would be very late for work most days if I was trying to do all of this before 6:30am. But like I said, you adjust. It's not forever, and it will get easier.
I was nodding along to a lot of scm1011's post. We have a 2 year 4 month age difference. I felt incredible guilt as my pregnancy progressed and felt terrible about how DD1s life was going to be turned upside down, and that was tough to deal with in pregnancy.
We also kept DD1 in daycare during my leave. It would have been really hard to manage giving attention to both at home so early on. DD2 was a much better sleeper and overall more chill baby so that definitely helped as far as sleep. But even with normal newborn wake ups, I do remember feeling like I would never get a good nights sleep ever again (spoiler - I have!) I told everyone it was much easier the second time, but I still don't know if it's just because we got so lucky with chill factor, or because we had "experience" lol.
When I started back at work and they both were going to daycare I gave myself extra time in the morning and by now it is mostly smooth sailing. I do feel like I pay more attention though to prepping in advance and staying on top of how I spend my planning time, in order to make things easier. So I did have to adapt some.
They grow up so fast and I found that DD1 really seemed to grow up so quickly after DD2 was born. I still can't tell if it was true maturity, forced maturity because our attention was split, or just our perception of her as compared to a tiny baby, but it is really quite amazing! I love seeing them interact with each other.
Thanks, all! It's always great to hear positive stories from those who have done it before!
We've told DD that we're going to have a baby and that she'll be a big sister, but at 2, I think she's a bit too young to "get it". Thankfully, she is pretty independent and likes to "help" with things so I'm thinking she'll be okay with the transition. I guess I'm just worried about how are we going to do it since, after 2 years, we are in a good groove and it feels like a well oiled machine. Obviously, we're just going to have to do it, hah! But it is truly nice to hear that it quickly becomes the new normal and we'll get into a new routine.
As a follow-up, we are planning on moving DD into another room and keeping her room as a nursery. I'm guessing the sooner we move her the better so she doesn't associate the move with the new baby taking "her" room? She will be staying in her crib so we will move that and her furniture. We really don't spend a ton of time in her room except before bedtime, so I'm hoping that will go ok? I am pretty excited to find out what we're having so I can start planning a nursery again!
Post by lemoncupcake on Jul 6, 2020 10:46:34 GMT -5
It will be rough and fine, all at the same time.
I agree with whoever said that the lack of downtime is hard. When the baby is napping you have to tend to the toddler. When the toddler is busy the baby needs something. But you’ll soon find a rhythm that works for you
Post by cricketwife on Jul 6, 2020 10:47:44 GMT -5
For me, 0-1 was a bigger lifestyle change but 1-2 was much harder in terms of day to day realities. I don’t say this to scare you, but for the first few months I cried a lot and thought we had made a big mistake - not that DS2 himself was a mistake that it was a terrible impact. If you feel like that, just hang in there. At some point, things will work out and you will find a good flow.
My kids are almost exactly 2.5 years apart and I greatly underestimated how hard/big the transition would be for Ds1 and the ripple,effects that would have on our family unit. I don’t know if it was strictly a function of his personality, the age gap, or what, but it was HARD. I think anything you can do to arrange for individual attention for your daughter - even if it’s not from you ( grandparent, aunt, neighbor, babysitter, etc), it will be helpful.
Also, I always put this in these types of post — make sure your daughter understands what will happen when she visits you in the hospital. It never occurred to us to explain to DS that I would stay a few days and that he would visit and then leave, but I would stay behind with the baby. It sounds so obvious now but at the time i didn’t think of it. We just said he would visit and never elaborated. Let’s just say that his departure that evening with H was nothing short of traumatic for him and me and he still remembers it/ references it (very occasionally) 4 years later. So don’t make the same mistake that I did.
Fwiw, DS1 said a few weeks ago that he was glad that he has a brother because it would be so boring to be in quarantine without one. So there’s a reason for a sibling,lol!
Just read some more replies! I definitely have that feeling that we're "ruining" everything. I also have some fear because while DD hasn't a unicorn baby, she was a really good baby! Sleep wasn't perfect but it wasn't as bad as I expected it to be and she's been STTN since 10 months. I guess that makes we worried that we can't possibly get that lucky again, hah!
As far as the room, we didn't move DD out of her nursery, but we did move her furniture out because DS was getting her crib, dresser with changing table top, glider. etc. We got her a "big girl bed" for her 3rd birthday, around the end of my 1st tri with DS. Partly to give us a good 6 months until he would use "her crib," and partly to make her new arrangement feel big and special and unrelated to DS's arrival.
DD just turned 2 in May and I'm currently 11 weeks with #2. All my ultrasounds have looked good, I'm starting to feel less nauseous/tired all the time and I'm starting to have lots of feeeeelings. We planned to get pregnant so one one hand I'm really excited but on the other hand it's starting to feel very real and January does not seem all that far away anymore so I'm started to feel a little like what the hell were we thinking!?
Talk to me about transitioning from 1 to 2 kids? At first I felt, it'll be fine. We've done this before and DD is sweet and helpful so she'll be a good big sister. Now I'm like, this is going to be so rough and how early am I going to have to get up in the mornings now to get 2 kids to day care!?
I have nothing to add but commiseration. My DS turns 2 in October and I'm 10wks in with #2 (second US tomorrow). I feel this, especially the bolded. So, I'm just going to sit here with you (social distanced and with a mask!) and have all the feelings, too.
DD just turned 2 in May and I'm currently 11 weeks with #2. All my ultrasounds have looked good, I'm starting to feel less nauseous/tired all the time and I'm starting to have lots of feeeeelings. We planned to get pregnant so one one hand I'm really excited but on the other hand it's starting to feel very real and January does not seem all that far away anymore so I'm started to feel a little like what the hell were we thinking!?
Talk to me about transitioning from 1 to 2 kids? At first I felt, it'll be fine. We've done this before and DD is sweet and helpful so she'll be a good big sister. Now I'm like, this is going to be so rough and how early am I going to have to get up in the mornings now to get 2 kids to day care!?
I have nothing to add but commiseration. My DS turns 2 in October and I'm 10wks in with #2 (second US tomorrow). I feel this, especially the bolded. So, I'm just going to sit here with you (social distanced and with a mask!) and have all the feelings, too.
Congrats! But yesssss. I'll move over six feet on this couch for ya! It was literally about a week ago at 10 weeks that it hit me... that I'm a quarter of the way through this pregnancy and this baby will be here so much sooner than I realized. Realistically, I know it will be fine, hard, but fine. But emotionally, well, I change my mind every hour!
I’m following this thread with interest, as DD is 14 months (we also have my SD virtually full time but she’s so much older in age that having DD wasn’t really the same “going from 1 to 2” in the sense people are discussing here).
I’m hoping for a 2.5-3 year gap, so I’m not ready to TTC just yet (and I feel apprehensive about TTC with COVID not going away anyway...). But having a newborn kicked my H’s ass and he still isn’t even ready to have the conversation re: timing. So I’ve been solo-obsessing about it lately.
Maybe a bit of a threadjack, but it seems like a LOT of parents say their second kid was a better sleeper/more chill. That seems too common to just be coincidence - is it just because the parents are more relaxed/confident the second time around, and that rubs off on the baby somehow? (This could just be wishful thinking on my part, because DD was the world’s shittiest napper for her first year and I would love to not repeat that, LOL).
I think this is definitely part of it - with DD2, we were much more of the go-with-the-flow type of parents, and let her sleep on me, in our bed, etc. She was also in the NICU the first two weeks of her life, so she was forced into a schedule early lol.
My daughters are 2.5 years apart and the transition from 1 to 2 was SO SO SO much easier for me. I had PPD the first time, and DD1 was a very difficult baby. However, she was pretty chill by the time DD2 came around and she was a few months old when DD1 hit the threenager years. So I was very lucky in that regard (they have both had their difficult ages opposite each other). Still, I had the same worries as you, about ruining DD1s life, not having enough time with just her, etc. Our second pregnancy was also unexpected so that didn't help.
All this to say, your feelings are all normal and valid, whatever they are. Also, you might worry if you'll love your second as much as your first. You definitely will. You might LIKE one better than the other at different points, but, hell, no one likes their kids all of the time
I have nothing to add but commiseration. My DS turns 2 in October and I'm 10wks in with #2 (second US tomorrow). I feel this, especially the bolded. So, I'm just going to sit here with you (social distanced and with a mask!) and have all the feelings, too.
Congrats! But yesssss. I'll move over six feet on this couch for ya! It was literally about a week ago at 10 weeks that it hit me... that I'm a quarter of the way through this pregnancy and this baby will be here so much sooner than I realized. Realistically, I know it will be fine, hard, but fine. But emotionally, well, I change my mind every hour!
Congratulations to you, too!
Lol. Yeah, I had the same realization about a day ago. Exact same one.
And I'm right these with you emotionally. "What are we doing?" "Will my DS be ok?" "Will our pup adjust ok?" "The LOGISTICS of two!" "Everyone is going to be fine." "People do this all the time." "But really, what were we thinking?" ... yeah. That's basically the churn in my brain right now. Ha.
My kids are 3 years apart and there were definitely rough days where all 3 of us were crying at the same time, but I found it an easier adjustment than going from 0-1. It took a few months to get into a groove. Ds1 was not interested in the baby at all at first. And ds2 was very chill and slept a lot so I just popped him in the ktan and went about our day for the first few months.
Ds2 was a better sleeper! I did the same things I had done with Ds1 so I really just think babies are born with some innate ability to sleep. Of course you can do certain things to encourage but some babies just take to it easier than others. Ds1 was up multiple times a night until he was almost 1 and ds2 figured it out much sooner.
They are now 7.5 and 4.5 and honestly they play pretty well together and giggle together and make up crazy games and pretend play together. I was afraid we ruined ds1’s life and he was so uninterested the first 6-8 months that I thought oh boy. But now I think even he’d agree that he’s glad his brother is here most days! It will all work out!!
One to two was way easier than 0 to 1. The second time was way better because we were experienced, more comfortable, and had a better idea of what to do. We had made adjustments to the responsibyof parenthood already and had already figured out who is doing morning drop off and who does evening pickup. Also ds1 was smitten with ds2 from day 1. Ds2 was/is an easier baby/child. He slept better, was a champion eater, and has a more mild temperament which makes him an easier child.
One thing we did from the beginning was to talk up being a big brother to ds1 and help him be excited for a buddy and playmate. He was 4 when ds2 was born. We also have him special jobs to help with the baby and would let him help feed him, get a blanket, push the stroller, hold baby’s hand, etc. ds1 is a great helper and feels very special and rewarded when allowed to help so we found things for him to do.
I’m following this thread with interest, as DD is 14 months (we also have my SD virtually full time but she’s so much older in age that having DD wasn’t really the same “going from 1 to 2” in the sense people are discussing here).
I’m hoping for a 2.5-3 year gap, so I’m not ready to TTC just yet (and I feel apprehensive about TTC with COVID not going away anyway...). But having a newborn kicked my H’s ass and he still isn’t even ready to have the conversation re: timing. So I’ve been solo-obsessing about it lately.
Maybe a bit of a threadjack, but it seems like a LOT of parents say their second kid was a better sleeper/more chill. That seems too common to just be coincidence - is it just because the parents are more relaxed/confident the second time around, and that rubs off on the baby somehow? (This could just be wishful thinking on my part, because DD was the world’s shittiest napper for her first year and I would love to not repeat that, LOL).
No! Ha ha, my first was a fantastic eater and sleeper. My second didn't sleep through the night until she was over 2 (and only night weaned when I got divorced and she started spending nights away from me). If I tried to let her cry it out she worked herself up until she threw up so I always got up.
But, because I had experience I was mentally better able to handle it than when everything was new with my first. I was less worried about if I was breastfeeding correctly or that she would never stop crying. There were new worries, but I didn't panic at every little thing.
One more thing regarding the actual delivery. Dh stayed with me in the hospital but Grandma flew here and stayed with us for a couple of weeks before and after ds2 arrived. She took ds1 on special big boy adventures to theme parks, zoos, etc and really was amazing with him while we were at the hospital. For instance when it was time to leave the hospital at night, she took him to get special ice cream in the way home. So if you have someone like that (ie not Dh who will be torn and busy) who can dote on dd1 while you’re in the hospital, it can help a lot and eases the burden for you as you know dd1 is having fun and feeling special too.
One more thing regarding the actual delivery. Dh stayed with me in the hospital but Grandma flew here and stayed with us for a couple of weeks before and after ds2 arrived. She took ds1 on special big boy adventures to theme parks, zoos, etc and really was amazing with him while we were at the hospital. For instance when it was time to leave the hospital at night, she took him to get special ice cream in the way home. So if you have someone like that (ie not Dh who will be torn and busy) who can dote on dd1 while you’re in the hospital, it can help a lot and eases the burden for you as you know dd1 is having fun and feeling special too.
Thankfully my parents live minutes away and will take DD for a few nights. She loooooves spending time with them and having sleepovers so she will be thrilled to be with them! Unfortunately, I'm due in late January so in addition to cold/flu restrictions & visitors at the hospital who knows what will be happening with COVID in January so I'm just expecting to have no visitors, including DD. Luckily DD will probably not care one bit as long as she's hanging out with grandma and grandpa! It will probably also be nice to be able to take new baby home and get settled before DD comes home to meet baby, but we probably won't really know what to expect until much closer to my due date.
Post by expectantsteelerfan on Jul 6, 2020 13:14:07 GMT -5
I found going from 1 to 2 not nearly as bad of a shock as going from 0-1. Ds was 26 months when dd was born, and I felt like we were still pretty in the thick of it with him other than with overnight sleep. I think it would have been a ton harder if he had been older (or a well-behaved, mature 2 year old lol). The lack of sleep is always hard, and early on I was super emotional about all the changes ds had to deal with, but that passed quickly. I'd say the biggest difficulty for me was that the best way I had to deal with ds's energy was to get him out of the house daily, so it was hard to work dd and feeding and naps around that. I had help for the first I want to say 4 weeks from family, so they basically entertained ds and took him out. And eventually we got into a groove where we could go out in the mornings and dd would nap while out or in the car, and we'd come home for lunch and a good afternoon nap. Luckily she liked being worn. I have so many pictures of me with ds and her in the moby where you can't even see her. I didn't even attempt to potty train ds till he was 3 because I wasn't ready to deal with it till then, but it worked out well for us.
One more thing regarding the actual delivery. Dh stayed with me in the hospital but Grandma flew here and stayed with us for a couple of weeks before and after ds2 arrived. She took ds1 on special big boy adventures to theme parks, zoos, etc and really was amazing with him while we were at the hospital. For instance when it was time to leave the hospital at night, she took him to get special ice cream in the way home. So if you have someone like that (ie not Dh who will be torn and busy) who can dote on dd1 while you’re in the hospital, it can help a lot and eases the burden for you as you know dd1 is having fun and feeling special too.
Yes, if you have someone who can do this, I think it made my DD feel really special. We didn't do anything super special, but she would spend the night with my parents/sister, and another time DH took her out to lunch. When DD2 was about 6 weeks, my in laws came over and watched her for a few hours and DH and I took DD1 bowling - she was SO EXCITED to get time alone with both of us. She still talks about it.
Post by sapphireblue on Jul 6, 2020 14:16:23 GMT -5
For me, the adjustment to having my first child was easy. The adjustment to having my second (my kids are 20 months apart) was ROUGH. And it stayed rough for at least a year.
My first child was super sweet and easy. A very easy baby and toddler. My second was much much more difficult. I expected that because I always assumed you don't get two super easy kids so at least it wasn't a surprise but it was really hard.
My kids are just over 3 years apart, and the transition from 1 to 2 was super easy.
My first kid was a nightmare baby. So when my second was easy/normal, that already felt great. The older one loved to be goofy and keep the baby happy, which kept them both entertained. He was also old enough to sit in front of the tv for 15 minutes to nurse and get the baby to bed, once he was past newborn stage. I was also a lot more confident and relaxed in my parenting, so I didn’t carry the same emotional burden as I did with the first.
It is more work to get both kids handled, which means that my H and I are both helping now, instead of one of us getting regular breaks, but that’s really been the only downside for me. In general, they really keep each other happy and entertained. Going from 0 to 1 kid was a new world for me, and adding another baby was just a little more tiring, but not life changing.
Post by Patsy Baloney on Jul 6, 2020 19:02:48 GMT -5
I don’t have kids that close together. Ours are 6 years apart, so we blew up my older kid’s life 😂
You know it will be fine. It’s whirl-windish. I committed myself to planning special things with just my oldest and I. A movie, a “sleepover” where I spent the night in her room, or we watched a movie in the master bedroom and ate snacks until bed time, etc.
DD was a perfect baby. DS is a huuuuuuge butthead. It was really hard suddenly having to wake up a billion times a night. DS also had some special medical needs that cause more wackiness and stress. In some ways, it was almost easier for me to have those things to tend to because time seemed to fly. You just had to do it. I think that must be what it’s like having kids close together in age - you just do it. Presumably, everyone makes it to the other side, lol.
I have a 2 year old DD and a 4 year old DD. The first year was hell. I honestly don't remember it that well. My kids are 19 months apart and I worked from home full time, had both kids full time and it was stressful. DD1 started daycare at 23 months and that helped some. But it was just hard to balancing two that were so close together. I did sleep train DD2 at 4 months so she would go to sleep independently. I feel a lot of guilt too. DD2 is such a fun 2 year old and I feel like I completely missed that with DD1 because I was preoccupied with a newborn. I also expected way too much from DD1. Like asking her to be too independant in putting on clothes, pick up toys etc. I look at DD2 at the same age and there's no way I'd expect her to clean up all her toys by herself. I would definitely reccomend spending one on one time with your older child on a regular basis. My H spent a ton of time with DD1 but I didn't and it's a regret of mine. But once we all survived the first year it got so much better. The girls love each other and play so well together.
Getting them both to daycare for the first 6 months while DS was in the infant class was rough. Packing and labeling all the bottles, meals and snacks took up a lot of time in the mornings no matter how much I prepped for this the night before. And DS turned out to be lazy about holding his bottle so I had to budget in time to also sit down and feed him. I used to dress DS the night before and not change his outfit in the morning unless he visibly soiled it. DD was in Kindergarten at the same daycare (they are 4 years apart) but different building. She had to be at school by 9 am or else she'd get marked tardy. We barely rolled into the parking lot at 8:59 so many days and sprinted to her door. Then once DS moved to the early walkers right before 12 months, it got easier because the daycare provided the snacks. I only had to pack lunch. It doesn't seem like much, but it made a huge difference. He also got better at feeding himself the morning bottle of milk so we could hand it to him to drink during the 15 minute car ride to daycare. He would fling the bottle when he was done and my backseat was covered in dried milk stains until I finally cleaned it when DS was closer to 20 months. We had to stop giving him the milk in the car at that point because he'd turn it upside down and start shaking it out making an even bigger mess.
DS was born at 37 weeks and was a much "sturdier" baby than DD born at 33 weeks. Those 4 weeks made a huge difference. He has been easier to care for and feed in general. He STTN at 3.5 months and didn't vomit all.the.time, neither of which DD mastered until she was closer to 3 years old. And now I save a little bit of time in the mornings because I don't have to spend time doing his hair like I have to do for DD and her super slippery fine hair.
We went from 1 to 3 (twins) with almost 5 years between. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. I did probably 85% of the care for my DS until the twins came and now my H and I are more 50/50 and that has been key. Emotionally I did WAY better from 1 to 3 than 0 to 1.
The first few weeks were rough as DS adjusted to the change of not being center of attention after almost 5 years. The mom guilt about killed me.. Keeping DS in daycare helped SO MUCH, both to give me some rest and also to keep him in his routine. Logistically, it took a bit to find our groove but we have it down now. Keep expectations low and know it’ll get easier and won’t last forever.
Some things that help us: Mornings - each parent take a baby and change/feed them, leave jammies on for daycare,, then help DS get ready. Nights - I get both babies undressed while H gets bath ready. H bathes baby no 1 and then I take baby no 1 for jammies, books, bottle and bed while H bathes baby no. 2 and then H does jammies, books, bottle and bed for baby no. 2. After that, I get DS bathed and ready for bed.
When you have mom guilt think about what an incredible gift you’ve given your family, the memories you’ll make together and the awesome family unit you have created. You got this!