Yes and it is because both personally and professionally life is in absolute chaos. I am upset that our collective sacrifice was for nothing. And now I know it is only going to get worse.
@@@@ The fall school situation is what is officially breaking me. I could do it in the spring because it was a short term thing. I never expected normalcy. But this all looks so much worse.
I am 10000% with you. I have never worked harder in my life professionally, making shit up as I go along and seemingly the forecast gets bleaker and bleaker (I work in HR operations). Add @@@ uncertainty on school plans and feeling like I am not doing something there that I should be doing for my kids ( I have friends going private, doing online charter, basically jumping ship from public) and I am feeling like I am failing on all levels. Like hyperventilating but don’t have time because work is ALSO the most neediest it’s ever been.
Mixed. I had been feeling better, partially because I got a date to return to the office (which I want to do and feel safe doing for a variety of reasons) but mostly because my doctor increased my AD dosage. But @@@@ the school uncertainty is really hard. I'm lucky because I still have access to my normal child care, but it seems like it will be a shit show no matter what. Plus B is a huge extrovert and very social and the continued isolation has been very hard for her mentally and emotionally, which has made it harder for me mentally and emotionally.
My H is a pessimist and he never allowed me to have any of the optimism people were feeling when states (including ours) started reopening. He was just like, this is bad. This is really, really bad. So we never loosened up, we never formed social bubbles, we still haven’t seen my family in months and months and months.
So I don’t know if I’ve been feeling “worse” per se, but I haven’t been feeling like myself in a looong time.
I AM an optimist, though, and I have moments of hope that we are living through tremendous social upheaval, and it will be painful but the right side — progress — will win. And maybe by the time the history books are written, something good will have come out of this.
But, yeah, right now I feel like crap. This is hard. This is fucking hard.
Yes its been worse lately even though things should be better. I think its the feeling of knowing we are doing everything "right" by being cautious, making sacrifices for the greater good, but seeing things spiral. It feels like it was for nothing. And the stress of always being the bad guy with family, and always having to plead with H that xyz is a bad idea.
PDQ - Work is busy, and I am grateful to have a job when many of my coworkers were laid off a few weeks ago, and many are still at half pay. But longer WFH goes on, the more I feel disconnected. At the same time, I don't want to go to the office because that is more stressful for me. It just seems like each day is groundhog day and more depressing than the next.
@@@ We have a trip to my parents cabin for a few days next week, and its extremely anxiety inducing and stressful for me, but I am going to do it for H, the kids, and my parents. Being in close quarters with other people (even my parents) makes me so nervous. I can tell H, who takes care of the kids in the summer, is struggling since there are so few things for them to do. All the typical stuff got cancelled or is closed.
And then there's the school talk. Each scenario is terrible in different ways. Fall sports registrations are starting, and i debate whether we even do it knowing it will be yet another let down for the kids if (when?) it all gets cancelled again.
I have weird feelings. I was doing great until this week. I try to keep it in perspective that DH and I both have jobs that are stable, the family is healthy and about as happy as can be given the situation.
@@@@ But this week, with all the school reopening talk and seeing some idiots on our school FaceBook talking about why they NEED to reopen 5 days a week and picking one liners that support their opinions, I am close to my breaking point. While I am not a K-12 teacher, I am scared for the health and safety of my many friends and family who are. I worry that the reason we haven't seen high levels of kid to kid infection is because they have been mostly at home since March and if schools reopen it will spread through schools like wildfire. I am also frustrated that people are threatening to sue our local school if the kids don't go back full time which is the most insane thing I can think of in terms of response, but that's the mentality. And considering we have very robust, district-run before and after care programs on every campus that could keep kids in their cohorts and help with child care and distance learning on the "off" days, I get even more frustrated by the general attitude, because I know these families aren't saying these things because of a child care need - that need is covered. And it's not because their kid is isolated, because I see the kids riding their bikes around the neighborhood in big groups or pictures from beach parties on Instagram. They are simply tired of dealing with their kids. I think I might feel better once an announcement is made and people have time to let it sink in and figure out their plan for their family.
Some days I'm so busy at work and with home life that I forget what's going on. Other days I get sad at the state of the world for many reasons ( idiots in charge, changes to healthcare, people losing jobs, racism, etc.)
We have been so cautious and restrictive in seeing just about anyone for 5 months. Everyone around us seems to be back to almost regular life and I can't get myself to that point.
My Peloton arrived yesterday though, so hoping I can switch out some of my runs for that as I will have to focus on the instructor instead of my thoughts.
It was easier for me in the spring. Things were shutting down and it felt like there was some group willingess to get this thing under control. And now....this is not that. Now I see all these countries who are able to contain it, while we are just letting it spread like wildfire. It's the daily reminder of how few people in this country feel any sort of civic or moral responsibility to do the hard work needed to get us through this, and of how many people are just comfortable with a 9/11 of Americans dying every single week.
Knowing the possibility of a better way to do this, and being denied it is what makes this all feel so awful. And knowing that with each day we do nothing, the possibility of normalcy gets further and further away.
I was in the north east when it was at its worst, then moved back home when the numbers here in Fl were better than expected. now, the numbers are like NY back when it was really bad. So I'm feeling mentally exhausted. we hunkered down and did the work to be safe back when this all started, only to have to do it all again because people are idiots down here.
So much worse. I’m a naturally optimistic person, but seeing my state and county go backwards so that we are in worse shape than in April, so many people will be needlessly sick and die, our economy won’t recover for years, already underfunded programs will be brutalized now, plus @@@@
both of my kids have returned to work, and one has significant exposure to the public and she’s not nearly as careful as she needs to be, and seeing the vanishing odds of them being able to go off to school in the fall is taking a huge toll.
Post by chickadee77 on Jul 9, 2020 10:22:44 GMT -5
I definitely feel this. I attribute it more to outside pressures, though. Like, if I didn't have to stress about my office demanding our return when our remote work is going just fine, and how to balance that with @@ homeschooling/online learning. Like, if everyone ELSE could just cool it and keep the status quo for another month or two, my stress levels would be way down. But since I live in Florida and everyone is hell-bent on pretending nothing is happening, I have to adjust every.single.aspect of my life for the second time in three months in order to be less safe and to put my family in danger, rather than taking them out of it.
Like, at the beginning of the pandemic, staying home and hunkering down wasn't (still isn't) an issue, because I knew it was the right thing to keep everyone safe and healthy. Going back to life as "normal" is NOT the right thing right now, I feel in my gut, yet I'm supposed to be figuring out how to make it work. And, actually, I'm trying to figure out how to keep us all safe, @@ the kids educated, and me employed when the solution (in my particular situation - I'm not AT ALL trying to impose this on anyone else or say what I want is right for them - I realize we're lucky to even have these options to contemplate) is really so simple but no one at my job wants to hear it. Like, why can't they offer any flexibility at all?
I have a lot of anger these days, can you tell? Working on that.
This week has been terrible for me, but it’s all life stresses, not covid. Although, I suspect one of my stressors is covid related. An abusive, estranged family member is blowing up my phones, and even called the 1800 number for my agency. Like just seeing her number totally puts me into a mental tailspin, almost to panic attack. And all I can think is she has been triggered to reach out by covid.
I had a dram last night that I got on an elevator and couldn’t get off. The floor buttons didn’t work, and you has to hit the call button and talk to someone outside who was controlling the elevator. But he would never leave the doors open long enough to get off. The only way it would have been more apropos is if it was a merry go round.
My Peloton arrived yesterday though, so hoping I can switch out some of my runs for that as I will have to focus on the instructor instead of my thoughts.
I use the app with a different brand bike and treadmill and I swear it has saved my sanity through all this.
I am doing OK but that is mainly because my country has done OK up to now. However I am worried about what will happen now our borders are reopened. But because we are doing OK, it means my @ issues are getting better! But I am getting down about the fact my UK trip is off - I was supposed to go and see my UK family (inc my 93 year old grandmother) for the first time in nearly 2 years this month and obviously that isn't happening and I miss them lots.
However my major stress is not covid related - my 4.5 year old car needs about $5k of work and my house patio has developed a leak and I may as well re-roof that section completely (so another $3k). So I am bleeding money at the moment.
Yep. 99% of it is job related. I'm almost at the point of leaving since it will make @@@ child care and school in the fall easier. But I need to work for my own mental health and feelings of self worth. At the same time I feel so undervalued by my boss that I'm not sure this is even worth it anymore and I feel like job searching right now is going to be so hopeless with the number of people competing for the same jobs.
I go back and forth. Most of the time, I feel fine - we're kind of homebodies anyway (except for travel, and we just cancelled our third vacation due to Covid) and introverts all around, so being home, hanging out, isn't so outside of normal for us still. But if I start to think about it, I get quickly overwhelmed. I remember feeling this way in March when they started talking about a "return to normal" in July and that felt so far away and overwhelming but now feels actually endless. I haven't seem my family in almost a year (they moved across country - we were supposed to go there spring break and they were coming here in the summer).
I'm also keenly aware of just how much my Black friends are struggling. I've known this for a while, but they've gone off the grid for me (which I completely understand and support) but I miss them like crazy.
@@
And I'm really nervous about school (both for me as a teacher but also for my kids and what their experience will be like). The not knowing is killing me. I do the middle school schedule and I haven't touched it, because no one knows what I'm scheduling for. I have a new curriculum next year but outside of broadstrokes, I can't plan any lessons because I don't know what my classes will look like. The amount of work sitting ahead of me is super overwhelming in a way I haven't felt since the beginning of remote school.
"Hello babies. Welcome to Earth. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It's round and wet and crowded. On the outside, babies, you've got a hundred years here. There's only one rule that I know of, babies-"God damn it, you've got to be kind.”
My Peloton arrived yesterday though, so hoping I can switch out some of my runs for that as I will have to focus on the instructor instead of my thoughts.
I use the app with a different brand bike and treadmill and I swear it has saved my sanity through all this.
Not trying to hijack, and this has been discussed at length, but which bike? I'm pretty set on the Scwhinn IC4, but shipping is an eternity right now. I might just pull the trigger and have to wait it out.
ETA: I miss my gym and classes there terribly, but I don't see myself going back anytime soon. I've been pretty successful on my own but need a indoor cardio option. Working out is one of my biggest stress relievers.
It was easier for me in the spring. Things were shutting down and it felt like there was some group willingess to get this thing under control. And now....this is not that. Now I see all these countries who are able to contain it, while we are just letting it spread like wildfire. It's the daily reminder of how few people in this country feel any sort of civic or moral responsibility to do the hard work needed to get us through this, and of how many people are just comfortable with a 9/11 of Americans dying every single week.
Knowing the possibility of a better way to do this, and being denied it is what makes this all feel so awful. And knowing that with each day we do nothing, the possibility of normalcy gets further and further away.
I do miss that “we’re all in this together” feeling. I’m like, really? This had to become a culture war? THIS?
The last two weeks have been the worst of the pandemic for me. Part of it is unrelated to Covid--I'm finishing up my MLIS program and have a really challenging group to work with on a final project. It's due Friday and two of the members are effectively refusing to learn the material needed to complete their sections.
@@@ Regarding Covid, though, I've struggled a lot--and cried for the first time--because I as a teacher feel so devalued by my community and employer. Masks will be optional for students, so unless I want to spend $$$$ of my own money I will absolutely be exposed. My kids going into 4th and 7th grades will also be exposed by classmates who refuse to wear their masks. We're doing full-time traditional schedule school in three different buildings, and somehow I will have to figure out WTF to do when one of their schools shuts down abruptly due to an outbreak but mine doesn't. It's just a lot to process. My parents really want to help us out with childcare, but I don't feel comfortable with that plan which means I need to find a really good, reliable sitter who I can trust is being safe themselves.
Post by mysteriouswife on Jul 9, 2020 10:52:20 GMT -5
I am in a yo-yo pattern. I upped my anxiety medication. There has been so much going on outside of the pandemic that isn’t helping. I’m stressed about our job situations. H is secure for a few more months, but if music and the arts don’t start at full capacity soon I’m not sure what will happen.
Not having a support system right now is really hard. We are social people. We host all the time.
Just a whole lot in an already depressed scrambled mind.
I am stressed by the surge in cases in so many places, and then reading that one in three Americans missed their house payment in July freaked me out. That is July—before the extra unemployment runs out and while most companies were still paying people so the PPP would be forgiven. What is going to happen in August and September??
Then my friend was part of the 36,000 person lay-off at United Airlines. Seeing those kinds of numbers is incredibly scary. My H manages new projects that come in at his employer and I’m scared that soon there won’t be new clients. Another friend works for a travel company and the whole thing is closing permanently this month.
We did just go on a mini vacation to a cabin on Lake Superior, and that restored me a LOT. We drove there, ate every meal in our cabin or at a picnic table on the beach after getting takeout, and we hiked to a ton of waterfalls and lighthouses, and had campfires on an empty beach. It was the perfect social distancing trip, and getting out of my house was so good for my sanity. I don’t think we came within 20 feet of anyone except the people we ordered takeout and groceries from, which we would have done from home too.
I was a mess from roughly mid-March through mid-May. It was really bad. I am thankfully not in that place anymore, but in some ways things are harder now. "Stay home all the time" is a much easier instruction for me than "Some things might be OK but some aren't and everyone is doing whatever they want anyway so... good luck deciding what's safe." I'm really struggling with what is OK for my family and what is not.
I'm also trying to balance what is safe with the idea that these next couple months may be our only window to do some things for a long time, like dentist appointments, orthodontia, haircuts, seeing friends. Would it be safer to delay the dentist? Sure. But if I delay until the fall, will everything be shut down again? It is certainly possible.
I am in SE PA and we peaked back in April, and are largely under control for the time being. I admit to doing things that people in other parts of the country may not want to do right now because our numbers are low, everyone is masked everywhere, and we aren't leaving the state. We are going camping this weekend with some neighbors. We are allowing workers into our home for a long-delayed renovation.
So I'm still struggling, just in a different way than I was in the spring. It's harder to have to make decisions than it was when there were no real decisions to make.
Post by gerberdaisy on Jul 9, 2020 11:04:51 GMT -5
Yes. I'm just physically and mentally exhausted and feeling like I'm failing at everything. I need routine back, I need alone time, and I really need more help.
@ My life feels like a constant circle of juggling parenting, cleaning, working, cooking, and planning without a break. I feel that I am constantly being reminded that I am failing at everything but not being assisted to make things easier. Even when I have a few hours alone I cannot catch up, I just feel like I am at my breaking point right now.
Yes. Fall/winter scare me. In my state, it will mean a return to cold weather and more indoor activity. I cannot foresee how the virus won’t spread much more easily in those conditions...
I have a deep sense of foreboding that it will be the worst of the pandemic across much of the US, and then, when I see people behaving like normal, and not worrying, I feel confused. It kind of feels like you see the smoke starting to build in a room and no one else is looking for the fire.
Post by bernsteincat on Jul 9, 2020 11:26:27 GMT -5
I definitely am feeling this, too. For one thing, the COVID weight gain from inactivity and higher intakes of food and alcohol are starting to show up but it’s hard to pull myself out of the slump. And, also...
@@@@
We are teachers and about 6 weeks out from whatever this is going to be and no one has given us any information other than a start date. If I can plan and be detailed, I’m good. If I know that every option under the sun is still open and it will all change at a moment’s notice anyway, it paralyzes me so I can’t even take the first step.
@@@ I'm teacher and (STBX)H works in a school; both are private schools. Our kids go to school with me. We have gotten "the plan" which is basically, back in school, teachers rotate, kids in groups of 10, they stay in the same room all day... and it's giving me so much anxiety. I think I need to keep going to therapy but I really don't like my therapist and it's hard to find someone new right now, who will take my insurance... and with the looming divorce, I can't afford to pay out of pocket.
I'm here. The thing breaking my heart is that we live 9 - 14 hours from family. I think it's pretty realistic that I will not see my 97 grandma or my husband's 99 year old grandma again.
My parents were supposed to visit March 13 and cancelled. We rolled with it, figuring we could reschedule a few weeks later. My parents help my grandma so there is no way I'm taking any risks in seeing them. My sister keeps on calling my parents and asking them to come to NY. It makes me so mad.
I use the app with a different brand bike and treadmill and I swear it has saved my sanity through all this.
Not trying to hijack, and this has been discussed at length, but which bike? I'm pretty set on the Scwhinn IC4, but shipping is an eternity right now. I might just pull the trigger and have to wait it out.
ETA: I miss my gym and classes there terribly, but I don't see myself going back anytime soon. I've been pretty successful on my own but need a indoor cardio option. Working out is one of my biggest stress relievers.
I was prepared at the beginning for this to last into the summer. So I'm okay for now... but I also think FOMO is kicking in a bit. We're still working from home indefinitely, still isolating, not eating at restaurants, limiting errands, relying on delivery and curbside pickup. And so many other people are starting to travel, or go to the beach, or eat inside restaurants, or go to the gym - including some of my friends!
So while I don't want to go out now, it does suck that other people feel comfortable with doing that and I'm missing out on seeing them or doing things. There's less of a sense that we're all in this together now and more of a "I'll do me, you do you" kind of vibe.
Also, from everything I'm seeing now, the US will just be like this for at least 3-5 years until we get a vaccine or the virus mutates into something far less deadly. Clearly we don't have any other plan in place. I think a lot of people really, really though this would be over in, like, April (remember talking about opening up churches in time for Easter?). So the longer it goes on, the less mentally prepared everyone is.
Anyway, I'm prepared to do this until December/January. Then around Christmas I'll need to prepare to spend 2021 the same way.
Not trying to hijack, and this has been discussed at length, but which bike? I'm pretty set on the Scwhinn IC4, but shipping is an eternity right now. I might just pull the trigger and have to wait it out.
ETA: I miss my gym and classes there terribly, but I don't see myself going back anytime soon. I've been pretty successful on my own but need a indoor cardio option. Working out is one of my biggest stress relievers.
My gym opened a few weeks ago, and I NOPE octopused myself right out of that.
ETA: breezy8407 keep checking Dick's Sporting Goods near you and also Amazon to see if you can grab one while they're in stock. If you can, you can get it in a matter of days.