Post by picksthemusic on Jul 9, 2020 17:29:35 GMT -5
So a few days ago, we saw that she'd been cutting small pieces of her hair with scissors (I had given DH a hair cut on Sunday night and she used the scissors on her own hair the next day, and I noticed it the pieces in the garbage when I got home from work). Today, I get home for my lunch break, and see that a piece of hair around her forehead is shorter and I ask if she cut her hair again (she'd been using scissors to cut cardboard into something), and she admitted to cutting her hair again. She told the truth, yes, but she also did something we'd expressly told her not to do. We had a talk about getting her hair cut and that we would discuss it and see if we could risk it. We decided that she could get one after she sees her grandparents in a couple weeks since we don't want to expose them unnecessarily.
I know this is a cry for help. I know she's depressed. I know she needs and wants our attention. I know she hates being stuck at home. We sent her to her room since I had to go back to work and DH had to be on a work meeting. She slammed her door and said she 'hates this house'.
I took her to the pediatrician yesterday to get referrals for stuff, but of course we haven't been able to go anywhere yet or have any meaningful resolutions to anything. We went to the grocery store after her appointment and she broke down in the store saying how she didn't want to go back home and she wanted to stay out and walk around. We did stay out a bit and went and got Starbucks and that helped a bit. She was an angel the rest of the day.
This is so stinking hard. So, so hard.
She has some hair dye that I've been meaning to use on her. Maybe we'll do that.
How old is she? My son freaked out the first time we mentioned taking him to get a haircut because he was worried that he would get sick and die. He just turned 6. Is it possible that she was cutting her hair so that she wouldn’t be exposed, or to keep you from worrying about her being exposed?
Even when we try to keep discussion light around C, he picks up on WAY more than we think he does, and has internalized a lot of his own fears and worries about the virus.
How old is she? My son freaked out the first time we mentioned taking him to get a haircut because he was worried that he would get sick and die. He just turned 6. Is it possible that she was cutting her hair so that she wouldn’t be exposed, or to keep you from worrying about her being exposed?
Even when we try to keep discussion light around C, he picks up on WAY more than we think he does, and has internalized a lot of his own fears and worries about the virus.
She's 8, almost 9. She definitely knows better. I think she's hoping that if she cuts enough we'll have to go and fix it. She's desperate for interaction of some kind and going out of the house. We're trying, but it's super hard with both of us working and no other outlets for them besides the back yard and each other (for now - we're planning on a small trip to the beach this weekend).
Post by goldengirlz on Jul 9, 2020 18:20:41 GMT -5
It is hard. I’ve found that it helps to talk things out in a calm moment (for DD, that’s right before bed, when we read together.) I’ve also been encouraging her to keep a journal. I try to emphasize that we’re living through history, and children around the world are in a similar boat. We focus on counting our blessings (i.e. identifying silver linings) at least once a week.
I know you told her not to cut her hair and she did it anyway and that’s obviously bad. But ... it’s also a small thing in the grand scheme of things. So I would focus on the root issues, whether that’s more play dates (even virtual), more 1:1 time or more time out of house. And keep the lines of communication open.
Post by picksthemusic on Jul 9, 2020 18:25:54 GMT -5
Thanks all.
I'm also going to offer some hair cut pictures to see if any strike her fancy so that when she CAN get her hair cut, she has a choice as to what her hair looks like.
I think the biggest thing here is that DH has such large reactions and assumes the worst so he's thinking she's being malicious when I know she's just testing boundaries. So I need to talk to him, too, so help him gauge his reactions.
I'm also going to offer some hair cut pictures to see if any strike her fancy so that when she CAN get her hair cut, she has a choice as to what her hair looks like.
I think the biggest thing here is that DH has such large reactions and assumes the worst so he's thinking she's being malicious when I know she's just testing boundaries. So I need to talk to him, too, so help him gauge his reactions.
It sounds like you’re doing the right thing. I think giving your DD something she can “control” — when it probably seems like most things are beyond her control — could be helpful.
For your DH, I think it’s important to remind him that these aren’t normal times. Even as adults, we’re not acting as our best selves. We’re ALL in survival mode.
Hang in there! This age is tough but they’re still so earnest and sweet.
I shared our similar issues in your other post. I couldn’t recall the term at the time, but we are using a Consequence Sequence for these behaviors. That has definitely helped DH and I get on the same page to deal with it in a consistent way. Someone suggested I look at resources from Dr. Daniel Siegel. There’s infographics if you google it and he’s written a lot of books, like The Whole Brain Child and No Drama Discipline which are on my reading list. If you are feeling overwhelmed with life, maybe see if there’s an audio version or podcast interview you could listen to while doing other things.
Finding ways for autonomy and independence are important right now, but that is hard during Covid and while she is doing things that make you lose trust in her. It may help to set concrete goals and the steps she needs to take to get there, for some things she wants to do independently.
This is really just commiseration. My DS is 11 and he very unexpectedly cut huge chunks out of his hair and then lied about it. It was so out of character for him. He is a rule-follower and not my impulsive child at all. The fact that he went in our bathroom looking for scissors, cut random pieces of hair off his head and then lied, all while leaving curls on the bathroom floor that wouldn’t match anyone else’s hair and looking absolutely ridiculous with his hair cut at his forehead down to the scalp....DH was livid and I was so worried about what was going on in his head that I tried not to express anger. He denied it for weeks then finally admitted he did it but never really could explain why. I thought maybe it was something to have control over. Then I thought maybe all this quarantine was giving him impulsive tendencies? Either way, he is now to the point of joking about cutting it (too soon for me). My DD has struggled more like how you describe yourself DD. She just turned 10 and I don’t know if hormones are to play in it, but she is the one I have worried about and have gotten the brunt of anger and mood swings from. Parenting has been exhausting.
Post by imojoebunny on Jul 10, 2020 8:19:26 GMT -5
It is hard. I find my kids, 11 and 14, do best, when we have at least one planned interactive activity a day. A family walk, on-line class with live interaction, like Outschool, a friend coming over to sit apart for an hour in the driveway, a drive thru for a treat, play a game together, cook a meal, plus they have 4 things they need to do each day; read, make something (food, art, whatever they want), clean something, and exercise/play outside for 1 hour.
I find that when my hair isn't cut for a long time, it feels weird and distracting because it tangles much more than normal, so it could be that she is getting sensory input that the hair is annoying, and she really wants to just get rid of it. It is hard right now, and we all need more grace than we have available. Hang in there.
I’m not sure if I missed some back story, but is there a reason she can’t get some socialization? Are any of her friends families being careful enough that you could do an outside play date? Meet up for a distanced walk with masks or at a playground? Bike ride? Sprinklers if it’s hot? We’re in MA so cases have been trending downward, but we started doing outside play with neighbors a month ago and it has made a huge difference for DD1 emotionally. From what I’ve seen, contact outside especially if people will wear masks is less risky. We did a play date with a school friend and both kids wore their masks without issue and they are only 5.
Post by InBetweenDays on Jul 11, 2020 9:42:28 GMT -5
I agree with noodleoo I'd see if you could allow her to do a bit more socialization. It's made a world of difference for DS and DD. They're older so they can do more things on their own, but DS goes biking with friends nearly every day for 3-4 hours. They bike around the neighborhood and stop at each other's houses where they play cards, Cornhole, or some other game outside. When off their bikes they always wear their masks.
Yesterday DD and I biked to the beach and got a drink at the snack shack and just sat there and talked. There of course are other people around but easy to distance.
Could you bike with another family? Go to the beach and rent paddle boards? Go for a hike?
And I'm not sure where exactly you are? If you're in the north end of the city I know someone who is cutting hair at houses. We used to use her when the kids were young and just did for the first time again. We set up on our garage with the doors open and again everyone wore masks.
Post by twilightmv on Jul 11, 2020 10:26:43 GMT -5
My 8 year old niece also sneakily cut her hair twice during this COVID quarantine. I wouldn’t sweat it too hard in the sense of “acting out”, but it probably is a stress or boredom response.