My kid is 6 and lies in what I would consider an age-appropriate way. I think lying is, unfortunately, a normal part of development as kids learn social dynamics behind trust and control. It’s frustrating as hell though because “I might not trust you later at some unspecified time” doesn’t mean shit to my 6-y-o.
Thank you guys. We had (yet another) talk last night about the importance of being a person of good moral character. He does say that he lies because he is afraid he will get in trouble, but we ALWAYS tell him we can deal with any truth, but lying will get him in more trouble AND he lies about some stupid shit that is unrelated to getting in trouble.
My kids are adults now so we got through that phase but this is basically what I was going to advise. We generally didn’t punish rogue actions but punished for the lying ... something along the lines of “The coverup is worse than the crime” has always been a family mantra. I think the way it went was, a kid would lie, I’d be confused (legit or sometimes just acting), present my position/evidence/etc and say something like “are you sure about that“ with a reminder about the lying being the bigger issue and they’d come clean. I’m sure they pulled the wool over my eyes more than once but I think they both understand and greatly value honest as a personal trait now so I’m glad I did it that way.
Oh yeah, one more thing we do is offer essentially one-time amnesty. If we tell him that lying gets him in more trouble and he’s already lied, he may just try to ride it out hoping he doesn’t get caught. We say something like “If you tell us the truth from this point on, we won’t be upset. But if we find out later that you were lying this whole time, you will be in trouble. Would you like the opportunity to tell us the truth and avoid getting in trouble?”
I can already tell I'm going to be in trouble when my 4 year old gets older. She will lie with a completely straight face, and when I call her out, she'll yell "TRICKED YA!" and cackle.
When I call my 4 yr old on his lies he says "it was just a funny joke" and laughs.
So, yes, there are commercial operators who will run a lie detector test for $200-500 a pop in my area (I googled). So besides the fact that they are unreliable, are you really going to shell out $350 to see if he really did turn in his math homework?
Why would I when I can call the teacher and ask if he turned in his math homework?
Oh yeah, one more thing we do is offer essentially one-time amnesty. If we tell him that lying gets him in more trouble and he’s already lied, he may just try to ride it out hoping he doesn’t get caught. We say something like “If you tell us the truth from this point on, we won’t be upset. But if we find out later that you were lying this whole time, you will be in trouble. Would you like the opportunity to tell us the truth and avoid getting in trouble?”
Yeah we do something like this. “Last chance to tell the truth and not lose X” My 6 year old son is a terrible liar and it’s immediately obvious once you make eye contact. But my 8 year old daughter is a more accomplished liar.
I try to make it known that for me, lying is worse than the “crime” itself- aka if you did something bad tell the truth and you won’t be punished as harshly. Mostly because I think to the future when lies could be more dangerous so I want them to be prepared and know they can tell me anything and telling the truth is a valuable thing that we really respect.
So, yes, there are commercial operators who will run a lie detector test for $200-500 a pop in my area (I googled). So besides the fact that they are unreliable, are you really going to shell out $350 to see if he really did turn in his math homework?
And would they do it on a 12 year old? Seems like that’s not really what they’re for? I would be embarrassed beyond belief to call a place and be like can I bring my 12 year old to get a lie detector since I think he’s lying. Like omg.
My kid is 11. I’d say 2% of what she says is true. She lied about the dumbest stuff. This morning she lied to my dad about what she ate for breakfast. 5 minutes after eating. On the last day of school her teacher called her out for doing something and she told him she hadn’t. When they said they knew she had done it she then laid on the floor throwing a screaming fit about how nobody ever believes her when she’s telling the truth (she was lying, mind you.)
It’s exhausting. She’s re-entered intense trauma therapy and I hope it helps. I hate spending my days saying ‘that’s untrue.’ All day long.