How did you handle maternity/paternity leave

[verycontrary247]

If both you and your SO got it?

I'm taking 8 weeks as an unpaid leave of absence because I haven't been there long enough to qualify for any paid maternity leave.

E started a job 2 months ago where he gets 12 weeks off for paternity leave at 100% pay, and he can split it up however he wants. Also relevant, he works 100% from home, I have to go into the office.

Our original thought was that E would take 2 weeks off when I have the baby, work for 6 weeks, then take his remaining 10 weeks once I go back so that we can save over 2 months on childcare and keep her home through January. Now he's concerned that the initial 2 weeks isn't going to be long enough to adjust and is considering just taking it all at once. On the other hand, he is also concerned about taking 12 consecutive weeks off at a job he's still relatively new at (not in terms of job stability, moreso with his familiarity with the systems).

I'm a FTM and don't have a frame of reference of really how much help I'm going to need/want- and despite the fact that he works from home and may still be able to do some things, I won't be able to ask him to drop everything to help me.

I'm overwhelmed with variables.

[W.T.Faulkner]

In your situation I’d definitely want H to switch off with me. I would not want him home the whole time I was home. I took 12 weeks and had a tough time going back — the only thing that made it bearable was knowing H was home with DS then.

[statgirl]

By 3 weeks, my husband was enjoying his paternity leave of gaming all the time and complaining about lack of sleep. I vote split it up.

[icedcoffee]

Since he works from home I’d not have him take more than a week or 2. I was fine handling the baby by myself pretty much right away. My H went back to work after a week with both kids. My H has a flexible job so he still did groceries and cooked meals and I found that helpful. Otherwise I pretty much handled things alone. I think your initial plan is a solid one.

[cereal K]

I took 7 and 9 weeks respectively with each kid, by choice. I had 6 weeks of leave and vacation saved. H didn’t have actual paternity leave, but had vacation time.

With out first, my parents came in the day we came home from the hospital. They were here for the entire week H was off, which felt redundant. If I had it to do over again, I would have asked my parents to come when H went back to work, to give us time as a family.

I think your initial plan sounds great - a couple of weeks as the newly three of you, then tag team it. I wouldn’t take both leaves concurrently, as I wouldn’t want to put a newborn in childcare until I had to.

Honestly, while emotionally overwhelming, the first few months aren’t necessarily hard - tiny babies are crazy little mutants, but really only want to eat, sleep, and be changed. You’ll get into a routine and will be awesome at it. then, the baby will start to sleep through the night, and the routine will change (for the better) and you will be awesome at that, too. each new change brings new things, and you’ll figure it out and be awesome.

[thebreakfastclub]

I had an unplanned C-section and I was ok to be on my own after 2 weeks. Knowing your SO is home for backup if you're not feeling well would be nice too.

I think I would tweak the plan so he was off maybe every Friday once the 2 weeks ended. I felt bored and kind of lonely so it would be nice to have him around one extra day a week for some company.

My baby basically slept all day and I didn't have much to do. I couldn't wait to get back to work, lol.

[nsl]

I'm jealous of how much paternity leave your H gets! We didn't have that option and absolutely would have split the time if we'd been able to.

[waverly]

I like your current plan. Or I would do one week now then 11 weeks. I wouldn’t take the leaves at the same time. Same thing with my DH he took 3 weeks off and spent 2 of those doing home repairs rather than helping with the baby.

The biggest issue will be sleep deprivation which will be there for many months anyway, but if he works from home hopefully he can sleep during the normal morning commute time.

[Patsy Baloney]

I would split it to stretch it out as much as possible. With him working from home, I feel like there’s less of an emotional element. He’ll still be there, even if he’s not there-there. My H works outside of the home, and it was really, really hard for him to go back to work after a week. I have my mom nearby to help, and she came over daily (usually) for the rest of my maternity leave to drive us to doctor appointments (I had a c-section and didn’t get cleared for a while), go out to lunch, take our other kid when she was bored of being told to be careful of the baby/be quiet, etc.

[IrishBelle]

DD1 was an unplanned CS and DD2 was a planned CS. DH took 1 week off with each birth and I was fine on my own.

If it was me, I would have DH save his time for when you go back to work. Since he is WFH, he is still there if you do need him.

[court26]

I also vote the couple of weeks all of you and then take turns. I had 2 c-sections and was so ready for H to go back to work by the 2nd week! Good luck!

[cmeon]

This year is extra complicated, especially if she'll be going into a group childcare situation. I would definitely do all I could to stretch that time at home out (through January is great!)- you may even want to consider him going back to work after a week, if you're feeling up to it (I was, with my second, largely because H works from home and had a lot of flexibility).

[lovelyshoes]

Both times my h didn’t take any time off. I wouldn’t have him take more than a week. He will be home and can help out if you’re in a pinch. I’d save the days for when you go back. We saved the days because we use daycare and babies get sick right away. My oldest was sick by day 2 of daycare.

Also, imo the worst time is the evening and he will be there for that even if he doesn’t take time off. I wouldn’t waste his days and save them when you go back.

[wildrice]

Is he 100% sure that he can take 12 weeks after only working there a short time? When are you due? That employer is really going out on a limb to pay someone full pay who has only worked there a short time to be off work for 3 months. If they do that, that's awesome! But that's also extremely, extremely rare so I'd just double check.

I think your plan to split up the leave makes sense from an employment perspective. Honestly, even if he technically CAN take 12 weeks upfront, I am skeptical that it won't affect the impression people have of him professionally since he's so new. He won't have really had a chance to show everyone his worth. If he goes back for 8 weeks in between I think that will give him more chance to do that.

[Susie]

Aug 6, 2020 17:09:32 GMT -5 verycontrary247 said:

Our original thought was that E would take 2 weeks off when I have the baby, work for 6 weeks, then take his remaining 10 weeks once I go back so that we can save over 2 months on childcare and keep her home through January. Now he's concerned that the initial 2 weeks isn't going to be long enough to adjust and is considering just taking it all at once. On the other hand, he is also concerned about taking 12 consecutive weeks off at a job he's still relatively new at (not in terms of job stability, moreso with his familiarity with the systems).

That's more or less what we did with our first baby, with a transition phase in the middle.  

I took an 8 week leave, followed by a 4 week transition period working part time, and returned full time at 12 weeks.

He took 1-2 weeks after the birth, then returned to work (outside the home).  At the 8 week mark he dropped to part time to split days with me, and then he took off from 12-20 weeks.

We did it primarily out of necessity, because we were waitlisted at daycare until she was about 5 months, and did not have family help.  It did seem like a good plan at the outset, and I think it still could be.  However, we had a few pitfalls with it, so we did not repeat it when we had #2 last year:

1) Since H went back to work at 2 weeks, I felt compelled to do all the MOTN myself.  THIS WAS NOT SMART.  I wound up above-and-beyond sleep deprived and my mental health took a serious dive.  I don't know if I *had* PPD, but I sure had symptoms of it.  It is hard to tell depression/anxiety from sleep deprivation when it gets bad enough.  It was a really, really hard time for me, and fortunately with #2 I recognized that it did not have to be.  With #2, H only took a few days off.  Despite him working and me being on leave, I told him I needed help with overnights.  That was probably harder for him than #1, but I stayed mentally healthier, happier, and more functional.

2) Despite being entitled to take the leave, and despite it being approved by his boss, it was not common for men in the office to do and maybe we should've seen the red flags.  Work kept calling and asking him to take hearings, etc. while he was out (hello, no childcare for my infant! and out on FMLA leave!).  A month or so after he returned, H's grandboss asked him to resign because he only wanted "dedicated" performers in the office.  Reading between the lines, even though it was approved, his grandboss didn't take paternity leave seriously, and taking it was evidence of being insufficiently "dedicated."  That was unexpected and totally sucked.

The bright side (of the arrangement, not the job loss) was that it was really really really good for H to have had some ALONE time with DD between weeks 12-20, when he had to figure out how to dad without me here.  Up until then, there was a lot of "here's she's crying," since I was nursing and that was the "easy button" soothing technique.  I don't know that he would've developed such independent baby skills if he weren't on his own for a significant stretch like that.

With baby #2, I took 8 weeks and he basically took nothing, just a few days for the birth/hospital stay.  That wasn't perfect, but didn't have tons of accrued leave like last time.  It was ok.  Being more experienced parents made it all go smoother.  

I would say maybe in your situation have him take 2-4 weeks at the beginning, and then the balance when you go back at 8 weeks, as long as that will connect you to whatever your start date is for care after both your leaves are over.  Since he is WFH it will be an easier situation than I had (H working out of the house both times).

[simpsongal]

Aug 6, 2020 19:14:36 GMT -5 wildrice said:

Is he 100% sure that he can take 12 weeks after only working there a short time? When are you due? That employer is really going out on a limb to pay someone full pay who has only worked there a short time to be off work for 3 months. If they do that, that's awesome! But that's also extremely, extremely rare so I'd just double check.

I think your plan to split up the leave makes sense from an employment perspective. Honestly, even if he technically CAN take 12 weeks upfront, I am skeptical that it won't affect the impression people have of him professionally since he's so new. He won't have really had a chance to show everyone his worth. If he goes back for 8 weeks in between I think that will give him more chance to do that.

ditto, dh was like 8 months at his job and didn’t get the full paternity benefit but they gave him 2 weeks paid (which is more than I got paid). I liked having dh with me the first two weeks while I recovered and figured things out (ds was in the nicu the first week). I think 2 weeks is enough that your dh could be helpful but not lose all sight of what’s happening at work. I took 3 months. I could have gone back a little earlier but it worked for me. If your dh can take the next few weeks that would be good. Honestly, having a dh home at a reasonable hour and not burned Out from work would be ideal.

[verycontrary247]

Aug 6, 2020 19:14:36 GMT -5 wildrice said:

Is he 100% sure that he can take 12 weeks after only working there a short time? When are you due? That employer is really going out on a limb to pay someone full pay who has only worked there a short time to be off work for 3 months. If they do that, that's awesome! But that's also extremely, extremely rare so I'd just double

Yep, 100% sure there are no service requirements. We were both shocked. It's a fancy senior level position at a big tech company, so from what I gather they really padded the benefits to attract talent.

[verycontrary247]

Aug 6, 2020 19:02:40 GMT -5 cmeon said:

This year is extra complicated, especially if she'll be going into a group childcare situation. I would definitely do all I could to stretch that time at home out (through January is great!)- you may even want to consider him going back to work after a week, if you're feeling up to it (I was, with my second, largely because H works from home and had a lot of flexibility).

Luckily my mom is going to watch her, but she also has 2 of my nephews (ages 4 and 7) a few days a week. I'd rather avoid the extra stress/hassle/commute time for as long as we can.

[imojoebunny]

I vote split, too. My DH turned out to not be very useful with a very young newborn. I was thrilled to kick him back to work ASAP. If your DH waits to take his, when the baby is a bit older, he will likely have a better experience, and have his own chance to learn to care for his child, without you wanting to fire him, when he does it "wrong".

[7costanza]

I like your initial plan of splitting it, but I think taking it concurrently would be fine too. My H took 12 weeks off right after DS2 was born and it was amazing - easily the best 12 weeks of my life so far. I was home for another 2 months, and it was SO much easier to take a 5 month old to daycare than it was a 3 month old as we had to do with DS1. I don’t think you can really go wrong!

[grover]

Split it up.

I had a planned C-section (though it happened 5 days sooner than it was planned for) for twins. H took off a week. He had not a lot of PTO available, no paid paternity, and I needed to return to work at the 8.5 week mark to finish off the school year, so we needed him to save some PTO for daycare closures/kid illness (we also had a 2 year old). I was fine, with the twins. Was it hard? sure. but you'll get into a routine, especially as someone else stated, he'll be home for the worst part which is evenings. Then he has a chance to bond and form his own routines with the babe once you return to work. Plus, at least for my husband, he didn't bond much in the early days of any of our three kiddos while they were lumps. Once they could smile and coo, that's when he formed the bond.

[krystee]

I had an unexpected c-section and my H had to go back to work after three days (rage), but I was still fine. For the first kid, he went back to work after a week and he worked from home for that one, so that was totally fine. He’d hold the baby while I ate lunch for a few minutes and then he might lay down for 20 minutes to grab some sleep (he split the nights 50-50 with me even though he was working). I would definitely do the two weeks at the beginning and 10 at the end. In a pandemic I think it is especially good to extend the baby’s time home as long as you can (my kids go to daycare so I’m not judging daycare, but I’d love to keep them home and safe if I could!).

[readyin07]

Barring any unforeseen complications, I would for sure stick with your plan and probably reduce his time home to one week lol. Newborns are cute and all, but they don’t do jack. As a ftm you can sleep when the baby sleeps and all the things they encourage you to do that you can really only do when you have only one baby at home Especially while the pandemic is ongoing my preference would be to keep baby at home. Not because I’m particularly feeling like daycare is dangerous, but I do think we’ll have rolling closures at schools, offices and daycares and it’s good just to keep the baby at home instead of stressing about two weeks of quarantine then going back and blah blah pandemic stuff.

[pinkplasticdoll]

#1 he was off for 12 weeks paid with me.
#2 he took 2 weeks of PTO then went back to work part time for 12 week working from home.

I would definitely have him take pto for 1-2 weeks, he goes back to work then when your leave is over he would begin his paternity leave.

[ssmjlm]

Since he WFH this might be not be an issue, but I would possibly plan for him to need a couple afternoons off while you're still on ML.

I don't know what your feeding plan is, but I had some BFing issues with very fatty milk that caused clogged ducts a lot. And I had an oversupply when my kid started doing longer MOTN stretches. There were a few mid-day calls to DH when I was just struggling and needed him to come home.

[gibbinator]

I think your initial plan is pretty solid. You'll probably have a decent handle on the situation after week 1. Week 2 will probably be a lot of both of you thinking "we don't both need to be sitting here quietly doing nothing while baby sleeps".

Since he works from home anyway, he'll be able to help you out with any short-term difficulties you might have, such as taking a turn holding the baby while you shower during his lunch break, bringing you lunch when he makes his lunch because baby's having a fussy day and finally fell asleep on you and you're afraid to move...Obviously he would have to mostly concentrate on work, but having him around for little moments like that will be extremely helpful even if you're mostly alone all day.

[cinnamoncox0]

I would probably see if he could do three weeks at first, then take the 9 weeks when you go back. It’s a nice amount of time to have him at first, then knowing he will be with her a long time after you go back.

I don’t think I would want him to do the twelve at once, but if it’s really what he wants I would not discount his ideas if he really wants it.

[pandora89]

We took our leaves simultaneously but I am off for a long time and H has to take his leave within the first year. In your situation I would have H take 2 weeks off right after the birth and then the remainder once you have gone back to work.

[macmars45]

As a PP noted, share night duty. H and I did from the get go as I would pumped while he bottle fed our DS. We combo fed from the beginning and entirely FF by 4 months. Sharing night wake ups saved me. Even now with our 4 yr old DS we split the nights when he's sick. We've always played to our strengths (H gets first shift 9/10pm-1/2am, I get second 1/2am-wakeup).

That's so nice your H works from home. My H had a 1.5 hr commute each way when DS was a newborn/baby so he was gone 11 hours a day. It was so hard and isolating.

ETA: one of my friends is due in a few months. She and her H both have enough leave that their baby won't have to go to childcare for almost a year. WA state has the new FMLA (new since I had my DS in 2016 anyways).

[patches31709]

Are you sure he's allowed to split his time? At my company, you can't do that (officially, anyway).

To answer your question: DH took his leave (2 weeks the first time, 4 weeks the second) right away both times.

My first was in the NICU for a month so I'll focus on DD2 instead:
I found it helpful to have him the first 2 weeks or so, after that we were ok (DD2 was a super easygoing baby).