I'm so sad- teasing boys

[undecidedowl]

Ugh. DS2 has always been very gender fluid with his interests. He loves mostly boy play but also loves pink and purple, long hair, Frozen/Elsa, etc. I've always known the day would come that kids noticed and told him that was "girl stuff" (especially now that he's in kindergarten) and I've been dreading it. Well, this morning he begged to wear his blue Elsa mask to school and I let him. I was reluctant but didn't let him know that because he was excited. Well, he came home so sad and told me that the big kids on the bus made fun of him and told him his mask looked stupid. He says he's never going to wear that mask again. I'm in tears for him. I wish I could protect him forever.

[isabel]

Ugh. My heart.

I so feel you on this. DS1 is the same way. His favorite colors are pink and purple, he loves Frozen, and will happily wear "girl" clothing.

I hope you can help him find a way to be proud of what he likes and not worry about the other kids, but it really sucks that he's being teased.

[pickel]

I’m so sorry. That would break my heart. My son (5) loves Frozen and has for the last two years. When we went to Disney he was most excited to see Elsa and Anna. He likes walking around in my high heels but also loves wrestling around and rough play. I wish kids could just like what they like and not be judged for it.

[VillainV]

I’m so sorry. C is the same way — he has always appreciated dolls, princesses, rainbows/unicorns. We’ve been very careful to make sure he knows that there are no “boy toys” and “girl toys”, but he still gets the message from other people in his life (friends, classmates, other adults unfortunately). It’s so hard.

[Saudade]

My DS1 was the same way. Loved pink and purple, was Elsa for Halloween when he was 3, wore leggings until 1st grade because they were more comfortable.

He got bullied in daycare unrelated to this (well it could have been but the child didn't specifically state that to him)

He didn't really get made fun of in Kindergarten. He really started getting made fun of in 1st grade. We've always been adamant that there are no "boy" things and "girl" things but the messaging is so pervasive in the world. Even now he won't say "oh that's a girl thing" but he doesn't want pink/purple things anymore and has moved towards more blues/greens/reds, even if I push him towards it. I hate society

[nicolewi]

I am so sorry. It is sad that they made him feel ashamed of something he liked. Kids can be mean.

[sapphireblue]

My son is 5 and the same way. He loves pink and purple and sparkly things and rainbows and unicorns and Frozen. No teasing yet but that could be because he hasn't been exposed to too many kids yet, unfortunately.

I do worry about him being teased at some point.

[scm1011]

Ugh, I'm so sorry. I'm in a similar boat with my nearly 4 year old DS and I dread incidents like this. Hugs, mama.

[abs]

I'm so sorry. Big hugs. I hate that we are STILL in a place where boys can't just like what they like without society telling them they are wrong. DD was very into hotwheels and trains as a preschooler and that was perfectly fine but it doesn't work the other way. I don't get it.

[keh2oblue]

My son had an issue with this in summer camp starting a couple years ago when he was 6. He enjoys painting his nails and some boys made fun of him. We talked through that if liked painting his nails he should continue to do that and worked through some conversations/confrontation if it happened again. Well, it did, but when I picked him up he said, “Mom, so-and-so made fun of my nails again and I just said ‘I don’t care what you think, I like them’”. I was so dang proud of him.

[magic]

I'm so sorry. I wish they could be so young and free forever.

[lessel]

Big hugs. There's a bit of this in DS1--choosing pink things like headphones, loves Frozen, plays dress-up, likes his toes painted with glitter polish. DH and I don't bat an eye at it, but I worry he's going to experience this peer pressure too. I do remember him seeing me look at my phone one day and it was a picture of JVN maybe at the Emmys in a dress and heels, with long hair and a beard and it definitely made him pause and it was an opportunity to talk about gender vs. sex with him. I'm glad there are awesome role models out there for kids to look up to.

[mcppalmbeach]

it totally breaks your heart. We dealt with this over Tinkerbell in preschool. A little girl insisted my DS1 was weird because he liked Tinkerbell and only girls like her could like Tinkerbell. It became a whole thing and he came home in tears. Many of my friends have little girls and he was very comfortable and playing with girls. When he was about 3, we were at a friend’s son’s bris and this little girl who was probably 5 omarched him over to me and said he couldn’t play with her and her friends because he was a boy

[gt7301b]

Uggg, I am sorry. I hate this for your son. I can't even formulate a proper response, cause who the heck cares if you are wearing a "boy" or "girl" mask. My son is so kind and sweet and I am not looking forward to the day that kids start being total assholes.

[Patsy Baloney]

Man, I fucking hate bad ass little kids. Someone needs to knock them down a peg. Worry about yourself, assholes.

I'd armor your kiddo as best you can with comebacks. "I don't care, I like it," "Leave me alone," and various other stuff. I gave permission to my kid to be ready to fully destroy a mean kid with, "Shut up and leave me alone," and to escalate volume/defensive language/involve adults as needed, but I know some prefer a more peaceful approach.

[twilightmv]

I'm sorry that happened. DS1 is also very vocal about pink being his favorite color and we've been lucky that he either hasn't gotten comments in return or hasn't let it bother him. He's in third grade. What did you say in response? I've been telling the boys for years that there's no such thing as boy X (toys, clothes, hair ) and girl X, and that everyone enjoys what they enjoy. I'm sure I will be up against social pressure but I'm hoping that consistency and hearing that those other kids are wrong/immature/ridiculous will give my kids more confidence. 

[janegold]

Sweet boy; my heart hurts for him and for all little kids when they start to realize how hard and cruel the world can be.

My son, almost 4, said last night that something pink was “for girls” for the first time and a little piece of me wanted to cry to hear that despite all our best efforts, the outside world is starting to influence him independent of us.

We can’t shelter our kids from it forever, but we can make sure they know home is a safe place and that their family loves them just the way they are. It sounds like you’re doing a great job of that. <3

[raangoli]

I am so sorry. It is amazing that no matter how we try to remove gender from toys/roles/colors, there are others who are out there doing the opposite.


Hugs to you and your DS.

[lilac05]

I am so sorry. I got tears in my eyes for you. Watching our kids lose their innocence and confidence in being true to themselves is heartbreaking.

We also did the “there’s no such thing as boys/girls colors, toys, etc.”, but expanded it to talking about how when we were kids, people thought only girls could like pink and purple and only boys could like hot wheels. We talked about how some people still think that way and how they’re missing out on getting to be themselves and appreciate what they truly like. So right from the start, we tried to kind of prepare them for the idiots they would one day face. We talked about language that they could use if anyone ever said anything about it to them or another child. I hate that we felt like we had to do it that way, but we live in an area where I knew it would be an issue sooner rather than later.

[undecidedowl]

Oct 20, 2020 9:32:54 GMT -5 Patsy Baloney said:

Man, I fucking hate bad ass little kids. Someone needs to knock them down a peg. Worry about yourself, assholes.

I'd armor your kiddo as best you can with comebacks. "I don't care, I like it," "Leave me alone," and various other stuff. I gave permission to my kid to be ready to fully destroy a mean kid with, "Shut up and leave me alone," and to escalate volume/defensive language/involve adults as needed, but I know some prefer a more peaceful approach.

I had him practice boldly saying "I don't listen to haters!" And his older brother had him practice "pooey what did you say?" on repeat lol.

[estrellita]

Are you me? Lol. E told us today that kids laughed at him on the bus yesterday. When we pressed him about it, he said it was because of the princess mask he was wearing. It's light gray with not super obvious princesses. He has a variety of masks, superheros, frogs, penguins, unicorn kitties, etc. I figured it might happen someday. We told him to just say he likes princesses and not to worry about what they say. I HATE that people teach their kids this stuff!

[loira]

Ugh, I'm sorry. So disheartening to know the world is full of little trolls who will probably grow up to be big trolls.

[undecidedowl]

Oct 20, 2020 10:34:40 GMT -5 twilightmv said:

I'm sorry that happened. DS1 is also very vocal about pink being his favorite color and we've been lucky that he either hasn't gotten comments in return or hasn't let it bother him. He's in third grade. What did you say in response? I've been telling the boys for years that there's no such thing as boy X (toys, clothes, hair ) and girl X, and that everyone enjoys what they enjoy. I'm sure I will be up against social pressure but I'm hoping that consistency and hearing that those other kids are wrong/immature/ridiculous will give my kids more confidence. 

So, I honestly don't think he understands that they were making fun of it being a "girl" mask because we so strongly teach that there is no such thing as girl/boy things. He knew they were being mean, though. I just told him that everyone likes different things and agreed that it's mean to make fun of what people like. His brother brought up the boy/girl thing because he understood what was happening but he just reiterated that "colors/hair/characters don't belong to boys vs girls".

Interestingly, DS2 was always very confident with his long hair but seems much more sensitive about his Elsa love. Maybe I should explain the "girl" aspect so he better understands why they were wrong.

[gretchenindisguise]

Just adding to the chorus. We've dealt with this too. My heartbreak moment was when he proudly went to preschool with pigtails and has since (maybe 2 years now) refused to wear his hair on a ponytail or manbun because a friend made fun of him. Even though there were 2 boys in his class with ponytails and/or manbuns. We are lucky that nail polish on boys is fairly normal in our circle and our preschool teachers did great with normalizing it.

Blerg.

I hate that girls are rewarded for masculine things and boys are berated for feminine things. It's just another way that femininity is not as valued in our society.

[formerlyak]

My story is a little different, but it might help. My older son was not good at common early elementary sports like soccer and basketball. The boys would all play at recess and lunch and he was terrible. He was bullied in 1st-3rd because of it. He preferred playing tag with a large group of mostly girls and would go sit on the field and do yoga when he’d get frustrated. It broke my heart. But he met some new kids each year (we have 100+ kids per grade) and found more boys who either also preferred not to play the aggressive sports at breaks or didn’t care that DS preferred other things. The sporty kids also started to realize that DS is very smart, and being nice to him meant he was happy to explain the math homework to you after school. The kids started to realize that they all had different strengths, and that worked for DS. By middle school, the kids who used to bully him, accepted who he was. One of the more vocal and popular ones was in his PE. Some other kid started mouthing off at DS in the locker room, and popular kid went up to him and stood up for DS. It was like it came full circle. It takes time and as a parent it seems like a long long time, but DS is in high school now, and it does seem to have worked itself out.

[simpsongal]

My DS plays with DD's toys and hatchimals at home, but he wouldn't dare tell his guy friends. I hate that this crap starts so early and persists.

[game blouses]

Our boys would be friends. DS1 loves rainbows and pretty things and prefers playing with girls, but 1st grade was a big gender identifying year and the girls excluded him. Then the boys excluded him because he didn’t like playing sports. It was very hard for me to watch.

It did give him some resilience to ask new people to play, which led to new confidence. But yeah, it’s rough to see. I’m sorry you’re going through it.