Poofed details. Thanks for the advice and thoughts.
Super short version: My daughter's school anxiety is worse than I thought. I don't know whether I should let her go fully virtual for now, or whether it's more beneficial to keep forcing her to do 2 days/week in-person.
I’d let her stay home based on the level of anxiety. 2020 is just a crazy year, why force her to live that level of anxiety every day.
But I would try to find her an online book club, Girl Scouts, whatever activity with other local middle school kids so she can stay connected/ have an outlet to talk with others in a directed activity.
I would also let her know you are always there for her and she can. Come to you/the therapist about anything she wants to talk about at all. As for the clothes maybe some training bras might help her feel more comfortable in t-shirts.
As for the bras, yes, we have them...in a million different varieties and options b/c that was/is part of this huge issue. She finally started wearing them to school but it's been a big.deal.
Online book club, virtual scouts, etc are good ideas! Thanks. I would need to find some alternate way for her to be connected but I'm thinking something like that would have more benefit than school.
Post by expectantsteelerfan on Oct 22, 2020 13:27:51 GMT -5
Hugs. It sounds like her anxiety is about being in school in general, and not about being in school because of Covid? Do you get the sense that her anxiety is related to Covid specifically at all or no?
If she was having really specific Covid related anxiety (afraid to get it/spread it, etc.) then I would definitely say keep her home. But it sounds more like she is just really having a hard time being a Tween and being in school. So that makes me wonder if keeping her home would help at all, or just be like letting her 'hide' and make it that much harder to go back to school when you do want her to go back. So I would think a lot about if you let her go virtual, when would you want her to go back? Next year (if it's still hybrid? Only if it's back to full 5 days?), high school? Would you ever consider homeschool/cyber school if virtual was no longer an option and she still couldn't function in school?
If you feel like in person school has benefits and you aren't willing to let her do virtual school indefinitely, then I would work hard to keep her going to school now. I have a friend whose son suffers from school anxiety, and getting him to go to school has always been a challenge, but getting him to go back at all after the spring when he was home was the hardest thing she's gone through with him.
I wish I had more advice on how to deal with the anxiety when she's in school, but I'm at a loss. My kids are both dealing with increased anxiety lately, but I'm only at the point of reaching out to dd's guidance counselor while also looking for a therapist, but I get how stressful it is and how helpless you can feel.
I'd let her go virtual. My daughter is same age, just started middle school. They are back full time, but it's stressful. Mask, distancing, no lockers. Then the worry about kids being stupid and pulling down masks and worry about Covid.
DD also worries about saying something embarrassing/stupid in front of her peers. I do know that her mood worsens around my cycle (she doesn't have her period yet, but hormones are insane).
We had issues in school with avoidance on a project. It was a fun at the fun intersection of Perfection and Anxiety 😳 so she shut down.
We aren't seeing anyone yet, she feels like she can handle things now. DH and I are starting to wonder if she really can. It's hard because GLOBAL PANDEMIC! She is also stressed about the election and keeps up on world news.
DD rarely FaceTimes with friends, but she will play roblox and chat with them. Partly because she's exhausted from her day at school and partly because she doesn't need that interaction. My younger one? FaceTimes a friend each night.
I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Parenting is tough.
Post by wanderingback on Oct 22, 2020 14:41:44 GMT -5
This sounds like more than covid anxiety based on what she said. Since this has been going on for awhile have you talked to her doctor? If they suggested medication why would you only want it when she’s a teen? It sounds like the counselor is nice, but are they effective? Do they know everything that’s going on?
It seems like taking her out of school would be a temporary fix because unfortunately at some point she’s going to have to go back. Not saying that you shouldn’t do it, but just saying it doesn’t sound like it’ll solve her overall general anxiety.
Post by AdaraMarie on Oct 22, 2020 14:46:07 GMT -5
It seems to me you are at the point where trying medication might help. Nothing else is working and I agree with the other posters that staying home might make sense for covid anxiety but it is also empowering to learn how to face your anxiety. If meds don't help you can always change or stop. Letting her avoid school might validate her feelings that it isn't safe for her and increase anxiety.
The thing about anxiety is that avoiding things that make you anxious tend to lead to more anxiety. Confronting anxiety and taking steps to make progress though is empowering. That said, for our kid - too much too fast backfired. Yale is doing a project where they’ve been training parents and it’s been very successful. I might look into that. Is her therapist using CBT techniques?
I wouldn’t keep her home, at least not without a specific plan to build interactions and work on her anxiety, but I would work on making a specific plan, with her therapist or a new one, to confront her anxiety.
Yes, yes, yes. I agree whole-heartedly with this and I’m speaking as a child who had tremendous anxiety (agoraphobia level anxiety).
The other thing about anxiety is that it isn’t something that you go to a few counseling sessions and are “good.” It’s a marathon not a sprint. You have to be patient, allow practice of coping mechanisms, failures and successes to build up confidence. I had a therapist for several years, was good for a year, and then back to a therapist for a year.
It’s okay. Reducing anxiety is a skill that needs to be honed and mastered over time. Of course, adding medication is fine, as well. But, it’s a long haul recovery with set backs and inspiring improvements.
Post by freshsqueezed on Oct 22, 2020 15:22:35 GMT -5
I would also be a bit nervous about going virtual as a solution because around me schools are actually starting to eliminate the virtual option. I’d be concerned it’s not really a long-term plan.
Also, could the school itself be an issue? Is a change something she’s ever expressed interest in and an option if she has?
Post by rooster222 on Oct 22, 2020 15:27:55 GMT -5
We've been through some of the same things with our 13 y/o dd. Backstory is that she's been on Zoloft since she was about 8 for anxiety. It's helped a lot but we still have things. We did not go straight to medicine and did years of different therapists before we gave in and tried it.
My dd is also doing 2 days per week and has been campaigning hard to go 100% virtual. She's also separated from friends and worries about being made fun of (she's very small for her age and super sensitive about it).
We went to the pediatrician and he encouraged us to keep her going to school because if she goes virtual it will be even more difficult to eventually go back. I agree with this so we are not going to allow her to go virtual, even though my mom side hates to see what she goes through and would just love to keep her home with me.
I definitely thinking talking to the pediatrician is a good starting point. My dd's Dr said he is seeing a lot of kids with school anxiety because of the long break they had.
I would look into more intensive treatments for anxiety. CBT, anxiety plan, workbook etc. Talk to her counselor since it doesn’t seem to be helping that much.
In terms of school if it were Covid anxiety I would say stay virtual but not for general anxiety. I like the idea of talking to her therapist and/ or pediatrician for their advice.
Post by mcppalmbeach on Oct 22, 2020 17:58:01 GMT -5
I just want to say I’m sorry because my son had school related anxiety around testing and literally made himself sick to his stomach over it: I question all the time how we handled it before finally getting into therapy. Unfortunately finding someone in my area who was taking new patients or open to us (several of the avenues suggested to us were for Medicaid only patients and we have private insurance) or not $150 a visit (not within our budget) was extremely difficult. His anxiety was definitely worse after the weekend or school breaks so we made the decision to keep making him go to school. He is virtual right now because we had to do all or nothing and I see it coming down the line that’s going to be really challenging to get him back on track.
Thanks, all for the good advice and thoughts. We're going to stay the course for now, and try to get through November. I was already tentatively planning to pull her to fully virtual at Thanksgiving and remain that way through the end of the quarter (third week of Jan). Our cases are high and my other kids are virtual, plus snow and cold weather, plus the holidays & regular sickness season...I just think it will be better overall. However, I will try to work on this so that when we do pull her out, we make sure we keep her in contact with other kids.
In the meantime, we'll try to keep working through this. I'm going to make sure we talk to her counselor in more detail about this issue.
I read your post earlier and didn’t have time to respond. I was an anxious kid who had a miserable time in middle school, but I think having the painful experience and social skills was good for me in the long run. I just needed to learn skills to cope and mature.
It’s sounds like your daughter’s anxiety is about school, not Covid, but I don’t think you can separate the two right now. Everyone is feeling a lot of emotions due to Covid and that’s on top of everything else. Anything you decide, I would make it clear to her that it’s short term. I wouldn’t be opposed to saying, you can be homeschooled for this year and go back next year, or we’ll re-evaluate in 6 months. I’d make sure to get her involved in some peer activities even if they are virtual. My much younger brother had a lot of issues in school and was homeschooled for most of middle school. Eventually he missed the social interaction and begged to go back to high school. My mom made him commit to 1 year at a time and he could choose to switch in summers (although he kept going until he graduated).
I’d also work with her and her therapist to make sure there is measured progress and that she is talking about the hard stuff. Sometimes with kids / teens I think it can be superficial and they are embarrassed to bring up things that happened or tend to gloss over their actions / reactions.
Ugh, today she got in bed and went under the covers and said she's not going to school tomorrow. She's been worked up about school all day, other than when we've had a specific activity to distract her.
To answer a few questions--It's definitely not just Covid-worries, although I think Covid is playing a big role in her anxiety escalating to this level. She's always been anxious. Transitioning to middle school during the pandemic has been extra hard, and knowing she has the virtual OPTION, plus knowing that her siblings are home, makes it even harder for her to deal with being at school.
She's definitely not being bullied or anything like that. She just doesn't like being there. We have suggested a few times that she could go to a smaller, private school, but she insists that she wouldn't want that at all.
I'm trying to get an extra appointment with her counselor to help us make a plan. Covid is really bad here right now. If the school would change back to five days/in person (they have a board meeting tomorrow night), I will definitely be pulling her anyway. If cases get worse, I'd pull her. My hope/plan was to make it to Thanksgiving, and then pull her until the next quarter. So if I'm only looking at a couple weeks, is it even worth forcing her?
I'm telling her she has to go this week and next. We'll see what happens.
I had quite a bit of anxiety myself in my middle/high school years. Obviously it wasn't COVID related anxiety back then, but I'm pretty certain COVID would have made my existing anxiety a lot worse. It's just so impossible for most of us (including adults) to totally separate our existing anxieties from COVID right now, so my personal opinion is that I would let her stay home this year, if that is what she wants. Assuming it works for the parents logistically (i.e. with work, etc) and that the child is willing to put in the effort to do virtual school, my perhaps controversial opinion is that *any* kid who wants to stay home this year should be allowed to. I don't think it's fair to apply the rule-of-thumb that you have to face your anxieties or else the kid will never be able to adapt to regular life. It's a pandemic. It's a once in a lifetime thing, in the past 100 years literally. It's not a typical situation, and it's just as feasible that trying to force her through this will make her anxiety worse in the long run. I know I'm biased by thinking about how I personally would have been affected if I was in school right now, but that's my two cents.
This is just me talking as a kid who had the anxiety.
Ask her what would help her get through the day. If she could call you to chat at any point during the day? If she cpuld text you after every class for a pep talk? If she could be picked up before/after a certain class? If she could know after school that a particular thing could happen?
It doesn’t matter if these things are not possible because phones are banned, etc. Just help her identify what would make it better and deal with the how part later.
She may not be able to tell you what is wrong but she may be able to tell you what would soothe her. Or, you can suggest things like I said above and see if they do help.
She needs coping techniques and currently has none. This manifests as someone just shutting down and begging not to go into battle because she has no defenses. She needs help finding some weapons. She will never find (healthy) ones on her own.
I also would hesitate from telling her what will help. Suggest things, let her choose. My therapist gave me a “worry stone” as a kid and I was like “this is dumb; you don’t get me.” My mom offered things that helped her and we tried some. Ultimately, I needed to be able to call her during the day. Just knowing I could (and I occassionally did) did more than that dang “worry stone.”