Nov Book Club Discussion - A Woman Is No Man

[ufcasey]

This month's book club pick is for A Woman Is No Man by Etaf Rum. 

Here are some very general discussion questions, feel free to answer any of them or just discuss generally your opinion of the book.

1. Were you immediately engaged with the book, or did it take you a while?
2. Discuss the plot:
- Is the story interesting?
- Is the story plot driven?
- Is the book a "page turner" or does it unfold slowly?
3. If you were to guess at a formative experience in the author’s life based on this book, what would you guess?
4. If you were to sum up this book in one tweet, what would you say in 140 characters?
5. Is the ending satisfying? Has the book changed you? Have you learned something?

[ufcasey]

Tagging people who might have read the book:

abs, aurora, travella, estrellita, Jalapeñomel, pandora89, @peep, froggy76, SwimDeep, wesleycrusher

[minzy]

I had a feeling of unease from the outset of this book that did not recede as I went through it. I strongly disliked the constant, incessant message that males are superior. I think as late as page 280, we’re still getting the message that women are worthless. That was bothersome. However, as a literary technique, perhaps the constant reminder shed even the tiniest light on what it’s like to be in that situation. I hate so much for the author that it seems she knows a lot about this kind of life firsthand.

I was really bothered by everything happening with the abuse and the women otherwise being treated so poorly, but I was also frustrated by the lack of growth of the characters. I did want to find out about the “car accident,” so that kept me reading. Across three generations, not much really changed, and Fareeda remained so awful. I don’t get her insistence to perpetuate all aspects of what she considered her culture, when it had served her so poorly, and made her so miserable. Of course that’s partly by “design” - keep the women down and quiet, so men can rule the world. There were so many systemic problems, including paternalism and the girl’s lack of education and access to birth control/mental health/career options, that’s it hard to know where to begin. There was no joy or kindness anywhere, so maybe that would have been a place to start. Life without any hope at all seems like a horrible way to exist.

I think there was some sad redemption in that final paragraph where Isra makes a break for it with her daughters, but of course it’s bittersweet since you know Adam still killed her back at the house.

And finally I did not like the constant blame on Isra for her failure to produce a son. Not like credit should be applied either way - or anyone in this story would have changed their behavior if you told them the truth - but biologically it’s the male that controls the sex of the offspring.

[estrellita]

Thanks for the tag! I keep forgetting to click over to this board haha. I read this one last year, it was actually my first Book of the Month pick! I'll try to remember, but I do remember loving this book!

1. Were you immediately engaged with the book, or did it take you a while?
I think I remember it being slightly slow to start
2. Discuss the plot:
- Is the story interesting? Yes! I love reading about other cultures.
- Is the story plot driven? I'd say more character driven
- Is the book a "page turner" or does it unfold slowly? Somewhat slowly
3. If you were to guess at a formative experience in the author’s life based on this book, what would you guess? From what I understand, the bookstore/coffee shop in the book is based on her own!
4. If you were to sum up this book in one tweet, what would you say in 140 characters? This is a powerful story about breaking the cycle of family and cultural expectations. (I'm definitely not a writer lol)
5. Is the ending satisfying? Has the book changed you? Have you learned something? I was confused by the ending at first, then realized what it meant. The more I thought about it, I liked the message of hope at the end, but then sadness when you realize what actually happened after that part. It was a sort of bittersweet ending. I thought it was a really good book and would recommend it!

[aurora]

I looked the book overall. I generally enjoy multi-perspective books so I liked learning about both Isra's and Deya's stories in parallel.

It's hard to read about the abuse of the many women in the book, but I didn't get the sense that it was gratuitous. The author's note at the end about the parallels with her own experiences made it more powerful: her fear about her own and her children's safety, her mental conflict about fanning the flames re. how her community is viewed, at the same time wanting to be true to her experiences.

The only parts I found to be really flat are Deya's conversations with Sarah. I understand that Deya had to make her own choices, but surely Sarah had enough experience to all more helpful questions to support that process, not just keep saying "figure it out!"

[minzy]

Nov 26, 2020 10:43:42 GMT -5 aurora said:

The only pays I found to be really flat are Deya's conversations with Sarah. I understand that Deya had to make her own choices, but surely Sarah had enough experience to all more helpful questions to support that process, not just keep saying "figure it out!"

Yes, Sarah could have done so much more to help. It was almost like she was unburdening herself after a decade rather than trying to help Deya and the other girls still at home. She was sneaky with the initial contact (which I guess she had to be) but then sort of teased Deya along and provided no real advice. I don’t know, maybe let your niece crash with you or something? And that the parents still didn’t want to see Sarah, at the same time Fareeda told Deya she was willing to cover for Adam after he murdered his wife... I practically threw my hands in the air in exasperation.

[wesleycrusher]

I liked the book, in the way that anyone can "like" a book that focuses on a difficult topic, and it was memorable- I read it at the beginning of the year and I remember it better than many other books I've read since then. It takes place in a community that I haven't read much about, so I can see why the author was hesitant in writing the story because it is not a sympathetic one to this (her) culture.

[dontlook]

I read about 50 pages and quit. I might give this book another try later but I just couldn’t get into it.

[Deleted]

I loved this book but didn't necessarily like it, which is what I think the author intended. I loved it for the unflinching look at the various ways the patriarchy, abuse, and oppression are maintained in this culture, but hate the very things it depicted. It definitely furthered my understanding of just how deep the system goes, how complete the isolation and control is, and how devastating the consequences for anyone who dares to challenge the system. As hard as it was to read at times, I think it was probably even harder for the author to write, and I respect her for doing so.

1. Were you immediately engaged with the book, or did it take you a while? It took me a while. For the first few chapters, it felt very formulaic and predictable. That impression was quickly proven wrong.
2. Discuss the plot:
- Is the story interesting? I found the story very interesting, as it offered a peek inside a culture I have very little first-hand knowledge of.
- Is the story plot driven? I think it's more character driven, with the culture it portrays, as it relates to women, being the central character rather than any one of the actual characters.
- Is the book a "page turner" or does it unfold slowly? It unfolds slowly at first. Then, once you get an inkling of what's to come, it picks up the pace and I found myself almost dreading the inevitable conclusion.
3. If you were to guess at a formative experience in the author’s life based on this book, what would you guess? This book was clearly born from a lifetime of the author's experience of watching all the women in her life live out some version of this story over and over. It is one of the things that makes the book so devastating--just how little the system changes between generations.
4. If you were to sum up this book in one tweet, what would you say in 140 characters? I don't have anything to add right now besides what I've already written, so I'm skipping this one.
5. Is the ending satisfying? Has the book changed you? Have you learned something? The end was satisfying in that we know she made a run for it and tried to save her children. I was relieved that they ended the story there instead of following it all the way to the conclusion, and that provoked some guilt in me, like I was relieved to be able to look away while the women trapped in this dynamic don't have that luxury. I learned a lot from this book, and gained a lot of empathy towards the women in this culture who are stuck in this cycle.

[froggy76]

I read this book maybe a year ago, so I'm fuzzy on the details, but I remember I loved it so much and recommended it to everyone right away.

It definitely engaged me right away and was a page-turner for me. I'm always drawn in by stories of people making their way through life in difficult circumstances. For me, this story was especially interesting because it centered around a culture so different from my own, yet right here in the US just a couple hours from where I live. It's funny how we all pass each other on the street but you never really know what's going on in the privacy of someone's home.

The ending was just sad. It can make things seem hopeless to know that women everywhere, even right in our own backyard, are trapped in impossible circumstances that they can't escape.

I do think the book was a bit formulaic, but I'm pretty basic and that type of thing never bothers me! I have been careful with this story and others like it, not to assume it's representative of everyone in a specific culture. This is just one story.

[travella]

This was the first book that I read this year so I'm a little fuzzy on the details. I almost didn't read this book because the title was so off putting. However, I'm glad that I read the book because I loved it! I loved reading about a culture that I don't know a whole lot about.

I remember being reluctant to recommend the book to certain people. I worried about the oppression of women in the book being used to justify certain people's prejudice and fear against Muslims. However, I loved the sense of hope for breaking the cycle. I thought it was something that was inspiring for anyone dealing with similar situations.

While reading the book I wondered how much of the story was inspired by the author's life before her divorce. I can imagine that this was not an easy book to write and especially difficult to put out there in the world. Writing this book had to take some tremendous courage.

[mrspez07]

I found this book very engaging, especially after Isra’s arrival in New York and the addition of Deya’s voice made we want to keep reading to read more about her meetups with Sarah. I was a bit disappointed in those conversations, they felt flat and didn’t live up to the risk she was taking to have them.
In addition to the theme of breaking the generational cycles of oppression, I also think there was a study of how things are seen from different perspectives, which of course was especially true with the subway memory of Deya, but also perspectives driving the choices of the grandmother and Isra, more perspectives based in custom though.
Is it possible to break the cycles of violence and oppression and still remain conservative in Palestinian culture (or any other culture/religion)? Or are the support systems not there to do that internally? Would that mean that to break the cycles you have to changer shift away from the culture or religion?

I also felt like there was an untold story of Adam, even from the beginning. While, yes, he’s the abuser, and maybe we shouldn’t give him a voice, I felt like in a way he was being smothered by the expectations of his family and if he had been more willing to talk with his wife, as a partner, could they have schemed to move away from his parents and that life? It seemed like initially maybe he was going to open up but then he didn’t. Also early in the book I thought maybe the two of them had run away instead of the “car accident”.