Advice? Thoughts?

[supertrooper1]

I don't know where to go with this and I'm sick to my stomach thinking about it. 

Last night, Beau and I had a talk about our future. He's been pretty down lately with the holidays coming up and it being the first Christmas after the loss of his son. He's still bothered some by the loss of his wife 2.5 years ago, but of course the loss of his child is worse. His work is also getting him down. I don't know if COVID stress also is contributing, but he wants to move away and get a fresh start away from memories. We're both from this area, have family here, and I'm tied here because of DS. I can't move and I don't want to do a long distance relationship.

Things are amazing between us. We both agree on that. He said he's only staying because of me.  I don't want him to resent me down the road because I tied him here.  But I also think this won't solve his problems.  He'll have grief no matter where he goes. 

Any advice?  Stories?  Things to cheer me up? 

[shakinros]

Oh gosh I’m so sorry. That’s such a hard situation. I don’t have helpful thoughts right now but I also didn’t want to read without commenting. I’ll be thinking of you and will come back later when I can respond properly!

[divanerd]

Is he in therapy still tp process? I think you are head on that moving wibt solve things.
No real advice sorry

[supertrooper1]

Thank you. divanerd, he didn't like his counselor, so he decided counseling wasn't for him instead of finding a better fit. I've tried to get him to find someone else.

[vasc]

Google the Kubler-Ross stages of grief: denial, bargaining, anger, sadness, acceptance. It sounds like he definitely experiencing sadness, which is understandable at this time of year for anyone missing a loved one who has passed. I bet he had holiday traditions with his son that will be on his mind. It will be a year for y’all to redefine Christmas traditions and maybe that will bring him closer to accepting a new normal.

[mommyatty]

Would you be willing to think about moving in the future? I realize your DS is still very young, but maybe if it’s something in the future he can think about, it would give him something to look forward to.

This does just suck. I’m sorry.

[twinmomma]

I'm sorry, that's so tough. I agree that moving away isn't going to solve his problems. It's been a hard year, nevermind adding on going through all that grief on top of it.
I can understand wanting a fresh start in maybe a new house but a new city seems extreme.

I would definitely keep encouraging him to find a counselor. Maybe he could try one of those apps?

[supertrooper1]

mommyatty, I would consider moving to one of the locations he mentioned which is just over an hour away. But he also suggested moving to the middle of nowhere Wyoming.
vasc, I've definitely seen denial, anger and bargaining with him, so this is very likely.

We've talked about buying a house together. He hasn't stayed at his house since September. He either stays with me or stays at his work. His other son, GF and toddler live at his house and he's been talking about selling it since I've known him, but he doesn't want his son to be scrambling to find a house. He says staying at his house has too many memories, not to mention it's in the sticks without internet which we need for work. But staying at my house or moving in with me permanently isn't a great option either for some reasons I'd rather not get into here.

[traveltheworld]

That's really hard. I don't have any advice other than continuing to try and encourage counselling.

[186momx]

Just wanting to add some hugs and thinking about you.
Could his son who is living at his house buy it? Maybe not owning it would relieve some pressure of his heart.

[sandandsea]

Dec 18, 2020 19:15:53 GMT -5 mommyatty said:

Would you be willing to think about moving in the future? I realize your DS is still very young, but maybe if it’s something in the future he can think about, it would give him something to look forward to.

This does just suck. I’m sorry.

I was going to say the same thing. Maybe when ds goes to college plan to try something new and move away. Or get a cabin or vacation home where you can have a second place to start making roots and visit frequently. He can start researching what he thinks he would like and you can visit and start long term planning.

[mustardseed2007]

Reading your OP and a few of the follow ups I see he really wants to break free and make a MAJOR move to the true true middle of nowhere.

Well you know him pretty well...would moving to the middle of nowhere wyoming make him happy?

I'm asking because I assume no but the thought of that makes me shudder so I'm maybe not the best judge. He is the one who has to decide this but at the same time, I definitely I think he should go back to therapy.

How many times do we do stuff for a while just because of one thing, and then time goes by and we realize it's a good thing we didn't go do that other stupid thing we wanted to do.

I get what you mean about resentment though so he has to some how figure out if moving to a remote area is wisdom for him personally or is a not really smart decision being driven by hoping to gain something he won't actually gain. So all I can think is -- therapy.

Therapy because -- he may not be thinking clearly and you might be biased. So a therapists won't have a dog in the hunt. 

[waverly]

I think a fresh start would be good like a different house/ neighborhood. I don't think Wyoming would be great because he would be very isolated from his loved ones. I also don't think major decisions should be made while the person is still in that serious grieving stage.