HELP ME HELP MY TODDLER

[jordylee]

Ugh the tantrums over getting dressed in the morning are REAL

The one thing that has helped us is zero screen time on weekdays. It generates way too much whining and is just not worth it. We basically let her have unlimited time on weekends.

Also, getting dressed is something we would always argue over so we break it up into parts during the morning routine and that has helped. She picks / lays out her clothes while I get her a glass of milk ready first thing in the morning. She gets dressed (except socks) after breakfast, then does socks/shoes right before we leave. “Go get dressed” is too much and ends in meltdowns every time, but telling her to do those 3 things with other stuff in between (breakfast, brushing teeth, etc) has worked better.

Then there’s some days where the kid lays on the floor and screams for no good reason no matter what you do. Ugh, I feel you.

[jorja]

He’s very likely unable to articulate WHY he feels a certain way at any given moment. That’s something that a fair number of adults can’t even do.

I would try acknowledging his feelings, while also setting a boundary; “I see that you’re feeling angry right now. That’s ok, but we still need to get dressed for school” and then offering him choices like “would you like the red shirt or the blue one? Would you like help getting your shirt on or are you able to do it by yourself”.

If you’re noticing undesirable behavior around screen time, I would explore your options with how that is structured. One of my kids did very well with a timer.

[isabel]

I would restructure your mornings. Getting dressed is a hurdle with my boys too, so it's the first thing they are required to do in the morning. They don't eat breakfast or play or do anything else until they are dressed. Forcing the issue on that has made life much simpler in the morning because they are motivated to go downstairs and eat.

It may not make a difference, but it's worth a shot.

Also, three year olds suck. DS1 was awful at 3 and DS2 (4 in May) has gotten to that same place in the last couple months. I expect his terrible threenager attitude will last into age 4. Not happy about it.

[Mrs.flang]

I'm also a janet lansbury fan so I agree with that advice mentioned above. My DD1 is strong-willed and I have to physically move her along in order to get her going when she's having one of those moods. I do try to empathize with not wanting to get dressed, but if you let it go on too long, it will never end.

Something else that I've been doing a lot more of lately, which I think helps me more than her, is to do a silly dance or try to lighten her mood with humor somehow. It sometimes helps distract her enough to get moving to what we need to do, and it also helps me to not get as frustrated and gives me a moment to recompose myself.

We also sometimes try to talk during a calm time about what we can do when we're angry instead of throwing a toy or hitting. She comes up with some ideas on her own but doesn't really implement them in the moment yet. But I do think it's a good idea to have her thinking about it.

[shauni27]

Jan 19, 2021 14:27:45 GMT -5 awkwardpenguin said:

We did parent management training around 4 because we were having such a hard time with our daughter (still do, because she’s super challenging, but PMT helped a lot). I would recommend finding a class in your area. They are often called Triple P parenting or PMT, and there’s also an online version. It’s an evidence based treatment for behavior issues in young kids. I’ll also give a rundown of what we learned.

The foundation of the method is praising desired behavior at high rates, and finding anything that’s on the right track to praise. You want to catch them being good and praise the crap out of it. You want to say more than just good job, be specific about the behavior. “Look at you sitting so nicely in your chair” when he’s sitting nicely, even if he’s supposed to be eating breakfast but isn’t.

We were taught about “taking the no out” and finding a way to state your expectations positively. So instead of “stop running around the house” you’d say “I need you to use your walking feet right now”. And then as soon as he walks you praise the behavior you want. “I like how you’re walking like I asked”.

Next we talked about differential attention, or basically ignoring unwanted behavior as long as it’s not a health, safety, or property damage concern. So you ignore whining, and you say “the way to get my attention is to use a grown up voice” and when they ask for something without whining you immediately give them your attention, and praise the non-whining.

We talked about using positive reinforcement, mostly in the form of positive natural consequences. So things like “when you finish your breakfast, then we can watch a video while we brush your hair” or “when you brush your teeth then we can read stories” instead of “if you don’t brush your teeth I’m not going to read you stories”. They also encouraged the use of token rewards (an m&m, a sticker) for complying with a command the first time, and only the first time. This works best with a transition warning. So “I’m going to ask you to turn off the TV in two minutes, when you do it the first time I ask you’ll get an m&m” and then two minutes later “please turn off the TV now and you’ll get your m&m”. The token reinforcers are used for a specific targeted behavior and you eventually fade them out once the child is not struggling with that behavior anymore.

We learned more stuff and I could go on, but those are the basics that should work pretty well on their own. Basically you are not focusing on feelings, but on behaviors and setting them up to be successful. The really helpful part of the class was we could go through specific scenarios that we were having trouble with and come up with a plan. I felt when we signed up that maybe we were not struggling enough to really need the class, but it was totally helpful.

Good luck, parenting is stressful in the best of times and even harder in a pandemic.

Thank you guys SO much for all of the suggestions! I think this ^ is what we need to really focus on; it is going to be tough and it will take time, but this seems to be the issue here. We are not always consistent and I think the details above will help us a LOT.

Last night we made a chart of all the things that he needs to do before school. He gets to draw a picture next to each item if he completes them with no tantrums/meltdowns. If he completes all, he gets a small reward (sticker, etc). We talked about it a lot last night and again as soon as he woke up this morning and the day went off without a hitch. I made sure to give him tons of praise for following directions.

We also talked about no morning TV but that he could pick a show after school that he wanted to watch. We also emphasized following directions.

AT the dinner table last night (another area of contention!) he kept wanting to get down, but we finally set a timer on Alexa. We decided to do that again going forward because he responded well to it.

I know nothing will change over night, but I am SO thankful for all of these suggestions that we can start implementing. THANK YOU!

[chickadee77]

awkwardpenguin, thanks for your post! I'll be looking into this, for sure.

I have discovered through trial and error that with my 6yo, positive reinforcement works waaaaaaay better than negative consequences. She doesn't really care about screen time, etc. so there's not a lot to "take away" from her - she has her lovey and stuffed animals, but I refuse to remove those since those are really her only "friends" other than her little sister throughout this whole craptastic pandemic. I think every kid is different, and jury is still out on my 2yo, ha. I have learned with both that CLEARLY communicating expectations is key. Sounds dumb, but I think a lot of adults expect a kid to remember/know that if x happens, they need to do y. Be it - toys must be picked up before bed, or when we're talking, noise level needs to go down, whatever. Something that has stuck with me is that if *I* get mad, it's my reaction to not clearly outlining my boundaries. It helps SO MUCH to tell both kids, "I am so frustrated that you keep shrieking. I am about to need to walk away so that my head doesn't hurt and I don't get mad." They seem to get this and 9/10 times stop the unwanted behavior and start acting concerned and considerate (added bonus, lol).

[Mrs.flang]

Jan 22, 2021 12:16:00 GMT -5 spearmintleaf said:

My 4.5 year old still refuses to get dressed on her own, so the natural consequence is that I dress her. If she tries to fight me, the consequence is that I hold her in place and dress her. Getting dressed isn’t optional. Same with hair and teeth. Sit nicely and let me brush gently, or wrestle me and it’s gonna hurt more. Today I picked her up under her armpits and brushed her teeth while she cried, because she refused to come to the sink willingly. It’s possible that I’m an asshole, but it’s also the fastest way to stop her tantrum. Once the thing is done, she quickly regroups. I think it helps that I’m pretty strong and I can still overpower her. I can’t be late to work, and a 4 year old isn’t getting the power to threaten my career or to refuse basic hygiene. I’m not mean about it but I’m also not taking that shit.

But then, she still doesn’t dress herself so I do not have it all figured out.

I've had occasions I've had to do this as well, but if I turn my back long enough, she'll undress to spite me.  Fun times!