Thoughts and a question for those of you who either decided not to have kids or both you and your spouse were ambivalent about it and had kids anyway...
H and I are on the fence about whether we want kids. Neither of us really have a desire to be parents but we are afraid that we will regret it later in life. We both work fairly demanding jobs - H traveled a lot for work pre-pandemic and I have my own business, and we sometimes feel overwhelmed with just household stuff and not having enough free time. We both share a lot of the household responsibility right now working from home but if H's work eventually goes back to normal then I think a lot of the parenting responsibilities would fall on me (or a nanny). We really enjoy our DINK life with flexibility to sleep in, travel, go to a late night dinner, etc. (all of this before the pandemic, obviously). We see our friends with kids and nothing about their life with kids appeals to us right now. But we are in our mid-30s and we are afraid in 10 or 15 years that we will really regret not having a family. I think we would both be really good parents as we are both nurturing, giving people and we love to spoil our pets. Is it bad that I just compared parenting my pets to parenting a child? Anyway, I feel like my clock is ticking and it's so much pressure!
Does anyone else feel this way? We don't really have any friends who are in the same situation as us - either both spouses wanted kids, or at least one did. I feel like the conversation is completely different when at lease one spouse wants to be a parent.
We were pretty on the fence about kids. Ended up having one at age 37. With only one, we really didn't change our lifestyle that much. I own my own business and I have cut back some (pretty much no business during Covid). I have always worked from home and that allows me the flexibilty to go to school events and pick him up after school. Never went to daycare as I mainly work weekends anyway. We have continued our lifestyle of going out to eat, going to breweries, traveling etc. We don't stay out late but we were past that at our ages anyway. My ds is super easygoing - he has never been that kid to throw a tantrum in a restaurant. With just one, we don't have any sibling fighting, doesn't cost too much. I have to say, I wasn't really interested in kids and still don't really like other kids, but mine is pretty great to me! You can work your family however you want and don't worry about how other people deal with their kids - do your own thing!
We were ambivalent for about eight years of our marriage and then we were suddenly all in. The fact that it took a while to conceive really drove home how much we wanted a child. Now our daughter is 2.5 and we love her but it’s hard work. I definitely feel nostalgic for our kid-free and cats-only days. It was an easy life. I say that because while I’m so glad we have our daughter I do think that life without a child or children would’ve been just fine too. I will say that putting it off as long as we did made the transition that much harder. We were pretty comfortable in our kid-free lifestyle and then it felt like our life imploded. We’ve adjusted but our daughter is also incredibly stubborn and prone to tantrums. That said, she’s also enormously smart, curious, and funny and that helps to offset the hard days.
I was pretty ambivalent about the kid thing. DH really wanted at least 1, but was a couple years shy of 40, which was his cut-off (I'm 9 years younger). We had 1 when I was 31, DH was 40. Despite having 1 ovary, we did not have issues conceiving, FWIW.
She's amazing and we didn't really change our lifestyle. It's the hardest job I've ever done and she drives us crazy, but it's worth it. I was firmly in the one and done camp. Juggling work schedules can be a pain, but we've made it work. We initially had little to no family help, with IL's who don't GAF and my parents out of state. My parents are local now, which once "normal" comes back will be a huge help as she gets older.
We've made friends with other families that have parents our age and most are just 1 kid. In that, we're all within the same age range as parents. I think DH was worried he would be an "old" dad at 40.
On the flip side, one of my very good friends and coworkers is CFBC and she loves her life and her 2 dogs just the same. So I can see both sides of things.
Not me, but my brother. He and my SIL were ambivalent about having kids. Well, was leaning more towards no and she was more ambivalent. They had a dog they loved, wanted to retire in their 50’s, and enjoyed a child free lifestyle. They weren’t using birth control for more than 10 years when my SIL got pregnant at 37.
My niece is the love of their life. My SIL is a nurse and cut back on her hours. They are a very outdoorsy family and take my niece everywhere - camping, biking, etc. Their lives changed for sure, but it was an easy and welcomed pivot.
I truly think they would have been happy childfree, but also think they are truly very very happy as a family of three.
Post by klassygoosey on Jan 25, 2021 11:15:55 GMT -5
Was planned childfree. Then was on the fence. Then was into but was infertile. Eventually realized I was always childfree but afraid of family reaction. Happily childless now midforties and loving life, no regrets.
My H doesn't want kids at all. I am more in the ambivalent category. I think if I had married someone who really wanted kids, I could have been swayed and likely would have been happy. I am also happy without kids. I do sometimes worry about missing out on the long term aspects of having a family, especially as we age - I really have little interest in parenting little kids, but the idea that once my parents are gone we won't have family to spend the holidays with, nobody to help us make a vaccine appointment when we're old, etc gives me some pause. But I know the day to day stuff of being a parent is a lot, and I'm not convinced that the benefits we're missing out on outweigh the things I like about being child free.
I also think we'd struggle with young kids, honestly. We both have ADHD and I have anxiety, too, and many days I feel like I struggle to just keep up with work and minimal housework/groceries/other adult life stuff. I have no idea how I'd manage taking care of children on top of everything else, and I don't even really think our lives are that difficult - it's just not our personalities to be busy and productive all the time, and I think it would be very stressful to lose free time.
All that said, I do see my niece and nephew being amazing little humans and sometimes feel twinges that I'm missing out by not having my own versions. Kids are funny and sweet and I do wish we had them in our lives more than we do. I think if we lived near family it would fill that gap, though.
I really wanted kids and having them has reinforced for me that people who are ambivalent should not be talked into it. They are a lot of fun but a lot of work. Our kids are now 11 and 8 and they are at an age where we can travel and do fun things but their activities also take up a lot of our time (any money!).
Post by wanderingback on Jan 25, 2021 11:38:15 GMT -5
Yes. I felt this way, then within the past year I've swung more towards the desire to have kids. But I would say it might not be the typical, "omg I need to have a child or my life won't be complete" type. We're like you and lead a pretty good life with a lot of freedoms, so that did come in to consideration. But overall, I do think having a child will be net positive in my life and I would likely regret it if I didn't. I've made other big life decisions thinking about regretting things if I didn't choose a certain route and so far it's always panned out really well.
FWIW, I have multiple friends who have 1 child and they still seem to have a decent amount of freedom and have a good balance of things from what they tell me (travel, working out, hobbies, etc). Based on my personality and hopefully a healthy child, I can continue to be laid back and enjoy life even with the addition of a child. When we started talking about it, my partner already said he only wanted to have 1 child (he's older than me), so that makes that decision easy that 2 children is out of the question (that's ok with me, I'm an only child and have a great life), so I also think that will make it easier to have more freedom.
If for whatever reason having a kid (either biological or adopted) doesn't work out, then I do think I can still lead a fulfilling and very happy life, but for now I have the slight pull to at least go for it and try.
We see our friends with kids and nothing about their life with kids appeals to us right now. But we are in our mid-30s and we are afraid in 10 or 15 years that we will really regret not having a family.
First, a nitpicky thing, but you already have a family. Family doesn't only mean kids. Anyway, we're late 30's DINKs and love our childfree life. What is it specifically that you think you will regret by remaining childfree? There will always be paths that we don't choose (careers, moving, marrying or not marrying...) but worrying about all the what-ifs will be exhausting. It's okay to love your life as-is.
We both got married wanting kids, and then when we were approaching 30 felt more ambivalent. We kept making the decision - not to make the decision, and when I hit 38 I told my husband if he wants them now is the time. And we didn't
I know I won't regret not having kids. I would have been a wonderful mother, and my husband would have rocked being a father, but our life is full, and rich and complete.
Aside* I think the regret narrative is one that's pushed by traditionalists. Just because they can't imagine their life any other way, they push this idea that if you don't do it you'll regret it. As we've gotten older we spend lots of time with childfree *by choice* couples at all points of life and not one of them regret it.
“With sorrow—for this Court, but more, for the many millions of American women who have today lost a fundamental constitutional protection—we dissent,”
Post by CrazyLucky on Jan 25, 2021 11:41:46 GMT -5
DH and I were married 7 years before our first kid. We bought a house without regard to school district because we were in the no-kid camp. We now have two kids. I wouldn't change it for the world. I love those kids like moms should love their kids. That said, there are plenty of times I daydream about being kid free. Eating dinner when I feel like, watching non-animated movies, better vacations, and just the day to day grind of homework-extra curriculars-etc etc. I think if you are not all in, don't have kids. There's one quote I love. "Kids fill a hole in your heart you didn't know you had." If you don't know what you're missing, you don't miss it. When you're in your 40's, you'll see your friends struggling with teenagers, or paying for college, or dealing with travel sports, and you'll think, "Oh thank God that's not us!" LOL.
Post by starburst604 on Jan 25, 2021 11:41:57 GMT -5
While we knew we wanted kids, I wanted to chime in on families of 3 as others have mentioned. We love being the parents of one, especially since we were both close to 40 when we had her. I think it's a good "middle ground" for a couple that doesn't want to totally upend their current lifestyle. It has it's perks financially and I think it's a lot easier on our marriage. It doesn't feel like a big ask for family to take her so we can go away for a weekend together or something, so we can reconnect. We both still have hobbies and interests and time for ourselves. It doesn't hurt that DD is a pretty easy kid who just gets easier as she gets older (but maybe I'll change my mind once she's a tween!). When we are around big families it can feel so chaotic and I know we would be so overwhelmed, it just isn't for us.
Also, while we wanted kids pretty badly, now that we have one I also know that we (or at least I) would have had a good life without kids too. Kids aren't for everyone. But she does enrich our lives so much and she's our little buddy.
We see our friends with kids and nothing about their life with kids appeals to us right now. But we are in our mid-30s and we are afraid in 10 or 15 years that we will really regret not having a family.
First, a nitpicky thing, but you already have a family. Family doesn't only mean kids. Anyway, we're late 30's DINKs and love our childfree life. What is it specifically that you think you will regret by remaining childfree? There will always be paths that we don't choose (careers, moving, marrying or not marrying...) but worrying about all the what-ifs will be exhausting. It's okay to love your life as-is.
For me personally, I think I'd regret missing out on the experience of being a parent and the experience of raising a kid.
I took time off from med school to live abroad. I really was drawn to do that even though not-traditional and the dean looked at me kind of crazy when I asked for a leave of absence. But I knew I'd likely wonder about missing out on the experience if I didn't go for it. I'm sure I'd still live a happy and fulfilling life if I didn't have that experience, just like I think I'd still live a happy and fulfilling life if I ultimately can't have a kid.
The paths I didn't choose certainly don't worry me that much, don't cause anxiety at all and aren't exhausting, but every once in awhile I'll think about "what if I chose a different med school to attend" for example and I think that's normal and ok to use as a gage when you're thinking about a decision.
I really wanted kids and having them has reinforced for me that people who are ambivalent should not be talked into it.
I completely agree. For me, not having kids would have been a huge loss of what I hoped for in life. However, Everyone I know who chose not to have kids has been very happy with that decision.
In contrast, I've had more than one friend who had been against kids but had one anyways (due to circumstance or temporary change of heart) who stated privately that perhaps childfree life would have been the better answer for them.
I wanted to make sure that perspective was heard - there are people who regret kids.
They don't usually talk publicly about it because there is a human involved whom they love dearly and they would do anything for *now that they exist.*
in some ways you have to want a kid as much if not more than your marriage. They are a big commitment and a big strain. Some couples end because of those changes.
Among my friends, children have been a factor in most of the divorces (one because one spouse went from wanting them to not, but three others because the addition of children and full-time parenting was a bigger life change than the father anticipated and divorced parenting gives them more free time.- and all the men had specifically sought out parenthood. None of those are the couples who privately said they might not have had kids.
Post by W.T.Faulkner on Jan 25, 2021 11:50:53 GMT -5
After they were married, my brother-in-law and sister-in-law went to counseling to try to figure out how they felt about this. BIL was more ambivalent/leaned more toward wanting kids, and SIL never really wanted them but thought she might. They've since made the decision not to have kids, and they're quite happy with it. They are very active in DS's life, as well as in the lives of their friends' kids, and that seems to be enough for them.
Like others in this thread, I don't think people who are ambivalent should be pushed to have children, even moreso now that I have one. My son was very, very wanted and we have so much family support, but: 1. his arrival caused some struggles in my marriage (which is true for almost every marriage, I think) 2. my alone time and social life were drastically reduced 3. kids are expensive as shit, lol 4. there's no guarantee that he will be there for us when we're old
The ONLY reason I had for wanting children was my gut feeling that I really wanted them. I couldn't think of a single logical intellectual reason for it, lol. If your gut isn't telling you yes, then I don't think you should be convinced of it.
H and I were pretty anti/ambivalent about having kids until I hit about 30, and then I started thinking I'd regret not having one (envisioning future holidays etc). H was still ambivalent but went along with it, and always says now how glad he is that we have DD. I think it was pretty touch and go for the first 6-12 months though for him!
Having one does make it pretty easy to continue your current lifestyle, however young kids are very time consuming and difficult. I think that part could be hard if neither of you have a strong desire to care for a young child.
First, a nitpicky thing, but you already have a family. Family doesn't only mean kids. Anyway, we're late 30's DINKs and love our childfree life. What is it specifically that you think you will regret by remaining childfree? There will always be paths that we don't choose (careers, moving, marrying or not marrying...) but worrying about all the what-ifs will be exhausting. It's okay to love your life as-is.
For me personally, I think I'd regret missing out on the experience of being a parent and the experience of raising a kid.
I took time off from med school to live abroad. I really was drawn to do that even though not-traditional and the dean looked at me kind of crazy when I asked for a leave of absence. But I knew I'd likely wonder about missing out on the experience if I didn't go for it. I'm sure I'd still live a happy and fulfilling life if I didn't have that experience, just like I think I'd still live a happy and fulfilling life if I ultimately can't have a kid.
The paths I didn't choose certainly don't worry me that much, don't cause anxiety at all and aren't exhausting, but every once in awhile I'll think about "what if I chose a different med school to attend" for example and I think that's normal and ok to use as a gage when you're thinking about a decision.
I think you're right in how you approach it, but I don't think people spend the same amount of time thinking about what they'll miss if they do have children, because it's the less traditional path.
I think your example of living abroad is spot on. I lived abroad for 8 years in my 20s and it made me the person I am. I wouldn't be doing what I do, living where I live or loving the people I love if I hadn't chosen that path. But I lost things too. I missed nieces and nephews growing up, was away when my parents got ill, my friendships changed, it was impossible for me to buy a house in Ireland. I'm cognizant of what I lost, but I don't regret it.
I do think the idea of being a parent and raising a child is one of the ultimate life experiences, but I think if you don't have that intrinsic parental instinct to have a child, looking carefully at both paths and what they hold is important.
“With sorrow—for this Court, but more, for the many millions of American women who have today lost a fundamental constitutional protection—we dissent,”
We see our friends with kids and nothing about their life with kids appeals to us right now. But we are in our mid-30s and we are afraid in 10 or 15 years that we will really regret not having a family.
I don't know why I'm in here, since I have kids. But I wanted to comment on this.
In 10 or 15 years you could potentially regret your decision either way. I feel like people don't talk about regretting have kids that much because it's very taboo-- you love these kids, and you don't want to sound like you regret the people they are. But people absolutely do regret becoming parents, just as much as others may regret *not* becoming parents. I wouldn't base your decision on the idea that you may have regrets in the future.
A newly married coworker once asked me about having kids, how I decided to do it, how I knew I wanted them and whether my life was better for having them.
My answer to her is that my life is different for having them. I love them, and love the life we have. But I truly believe that I could have been just as happy without them. It would have been a different life, and I would have been happy in different ways. I would be a different person, in a lot of ways. But it's not good or bad, just... different. It's not, like, the pinnacle of my existence to have kids. (I know some people feel like having kids is the best/most important thing they have done. I just am not one of those people).
We were not just ambivalent~we had zero interest in it and adamantly did not (still don't) want kids. Given how important it is and how big of a commitment it is, I feel like a person should really want to do it and do it well before they proceed. We just...didn't. I flat-out did not want to do bedtime, homework, bathing, regular feeding, soccer games, dance practice, etc., etc. I'm exhausted and cranky just thinking about it. Luckily, H feels the same way.
We love our lives without children and have absolutely zero regrets. There are few decisions in life you make and never second guess. Not having kids is one for us. FWIW, I know several CFBC women older than me (I'm 45), and none of them regrets their decision not to have kids. Don't let fear of future regret be your deciding factor! It is entirely possible to have a happy, meaningful, fulfilling life without children.
Post by purplepenguin7 on Jan 25, 2021 11:59:26 GMT -5
I would say we were sort of ambivalent. We got married intending to have kids but the timing never seemed right for us and later in our marriage we veered into ambivalence. I never liked babies and was terrified of having an infant but I always wanted a 4+ year old, to do fun excursions, the park, arts and crafts, that sort of "fun" kid stuff. After seven years of marriage, I finally talked myself (and husband) into trying for a baby by saying the infant years/months are only a short span of a child's life. It worked out for us, she's now a fun loving two year old and the infant months were no where near as bad as I feared. The biggest thing for us was seeing our future with a child in it (holiday, trips, etc). If you don't feel that pull, I would try not let societal pressures "force" you into having a child (but I know is easier said than done). One more thing, you said you are mid-thirties...I had my first (and probably only) at nearly 38, my friend will be nearing 41 when he first child is born and I have several friends that are 39-40 who are planning on having children but are not pregnant yet. You definitely still have time to decide if having a child is what you really want.
We have two. And I can say that life with one is easier in many ways, but parenting will always be tough. I do think something to consider is that they are not babies forever. So, i get to do a lot of what I did pre-kids. I have less money lol but I am not chained to my kids.
all that to say, yes, at first life does change in terms of how and when you do things, but that does not last forever. But, if you are not sure, don't feel like you HAVE to have kids. There are other ways to be involved with kids that does not involve becoming a parent. You can be a mentor, maybe ever foster.
I don't know. I think there are other ways to help kids and have them be a part of your life and vice versa without the commitment of parenthood.
It's ok to be unsure and definitely ok to feel it is not right for you. There are many days that I wonder if I am failing my girls or worse, I was a better mother with only one child. Even though this was something I always wanted, I have doubts as to how well I am truly doing it, especially with more than one child.
I do think, since you don't know how things will play out, do it when it feels like something you truly want. we all have our reasons for wanting kids or not wanting them and all of them are valid.
Post by lilypad1126 on Jan 25, 2021 12:02:16 GMT -5
We are childfree by choice. My entire life I was ambivalent/leaning no on having kids. I met my DH and he was firmly in the no kids camp. And I felt relief at that. In part, the relief was not having the decision hanging over my head, but a big part was me realizing that I could also say no to kids and it was ok.
I'm 40 and have zero regrets. I've also felt zero twinges of "hm, maybe I actually do want kids". I never dreamed of having kids one day, and if you ask my mom, she'll tell you that she knew when I was really young that I didn't want to be a mother. I never really questioned it, and I feel fortunate that DH and I are on the same page. And I feel fortunate there was never any family pressure to make a different decision.
It's easy to put a lot of pressure on yourselves to make a decision now. But say you regret it in 10-15 years. You could still have children. We have family friends who were childfree until their 50s, when they decided to adopt a child. Another family friend had a biological child at 46.
It might help to remind yourselves that you have a lot of time to become parents if that's what you end up wanting. You don't have to make a decision right now.
We decided to stop at only 1 child which I realize is a different situation but I've definitely struggled with concerns about regretting the road not taken. I think that' normal and just something you have to accept. I guess just try to be really honest with yourself and envisioning your life in the future.
It's not an easy decision and there are no real wrong answers here. It's okay to be a little sad about the choice you don't make, whatever it is, while still being ultimately happy with the decision you do make.
Thank you for posting this and to everyone that has replied. I'm in a bit of a different situation and this has given me food for thought. I was ambivalent during my whole marriage about kids, we did try and had fertility issues, so we never had any. Now I am questioning, did I not want kids or just not with that partner? After I left my marriage the thought crossed my mind of "what if my biological clock runs out before I meet someone else". That's actually where I am still sitting now.
We see our friends with kids and nothing about their life with kids appeals to us right now. But we are in our mid-30s and we are afraid in 10 or 15 years that we will really regret not having a family.
First, a nitpicky thing, but you already have a family. Family doesn't only mean kids. Anyway, we're late 30's DINKs and love our childfree life. What is it specifically that you think you will regret by remaining childfree? There will always be paths that we don't choose (careers, moving, marrying or not marrying...) but worrying about all the what-ifs will be exhausting. It's okay to love your life as-is.
Definitely agree with this. Family also doesn't have to be family in the traditional sense; family can be the people you choose to surround yourself with as you move through life. I'm part of a very close-knit group of friends who I consider my "friend-family," and in many ways we're just as close as my biological family.
I was always pretty sure I was in the no-kids camp. H was ambivalent and could have been happy either way. We're 12 years into our marriage now and happily child-free and plan to stay that way.
We both got married wanting kids, and then when we were approaching 30 felt more ambivalent. We kept making the decision - not to make the decision, and when I hit 38 I told my husband if he wants them now is the time. And we didn't
I know I won't regret not having kids. I would have been a wonderful mother, and my husband would have rocked being a father, but our life is full, and rich and complete.
Aside* I think the regret narrative is one that's pushed by traditionalists. Just because they can't imagine their life any other way, they push this idea that if you don't do it you'll regret it. As we've gotten older we spend lots of time with childfree *by choice* couples at all points of life and not one of them regret it.
So much all of this, especially the bolded. A lot of people who have kids, especially if they had them younger, really have a hard time imagining how else you would make a happy, fulfilled, meaningful life without them. That's really just a reflection on how important their children are in their own lives, and is as it should be. But trust me, you don't need kids to have a meaningful, fulfilled, complete life that is filled with love and purpose.
I would say we were sort of ambivalent. We got married intending to have kids but the timing never seemed right for us and later in our marriage we veered into ambivalence. I never liked babies and was terrified of having an infant but I always wanted a 4+ year old, to do fun excursions, the park, arts and crafts, that sort of "fun" kid stuff. After seven years of marriage, I finally talked myself (and husband) into trying for a baby by saying the infant years/months are only a short span of a child's life. It worked out for us, she's now a fun loving two year old and the infant months were no where near as bad as I feared. The biggest thing for us was seeing our future with a child in it (holiday, trips, etc). If you don't feel that pull, I would try not let societal pressures "force" you into having a child (but I know is easier said than done). One more thing, you said you are mid-thirties...I had my first (and probably only) at nearly 38, my friend will be nearing 41 when he first child is born and I have several friends that are 39-40 who are planning on having children but are not pregnant yet. You definitely still have time to decide if having a child is what you really want.
So much of this! I was surprised by how much I didn't enjoy the infant stage and realized that it was the future that made me want to be a parent. Traveling and showing her new experiences, seeing things through her eyes, the possibility of grandkids someday (if she chooses that). The pride I feel over her accomplishments and just enjoying the little human that she is. I enjoyed motherhood a lot more as she got older, but I was shocked to learn that babies and young toddlers are just....not my thing. I can absolutely see why it looks positively awful and thankless. I even joke to H that I'd consider a second as long as they were around age 5 like her.