Thank you for posting this and to everyone that has replied. I'm in a bit of a different situation and this has given me food for thought. I was ambivalent during my whole marriage about kids, we did try and had fertility issues, so we never had any. Now I am questioning, did I not want kids or just not with that partner? After I left my marriage the thought crossed my mind of "what if my biological clock runs out before I meet someone else". That's actually where I am still sitting now.
A friend of mine is having a baby on her own through a sperm donor and IVF. She knew it was something she really wanted and just never met the right partner. Obviously this won't be easy and I think this is definitely a case where you have to be all in 100% and not even slightly ambivilant, but I just wanted to mention it as something to consider.
Did anybody else just say it's Tuesday let's pull the goalie and see what happens.
#underachiever
This is how I got pregnant with my first. My ex and I knew we wanted kids, but no time seemed "right". There was always something. So we literally just said, let's just see what happens one night in October and in early November I found out I was pregnant. We got divorced a few years later and when I remarried, my second was more planned, but that was because I was 9 years older and didn't know what we might be facing given my age and some other issues I was having. It took three months. We started a few months before the wedding and I got pregnant on our honeymoon.
To the OP, if you are in your mid-30s, you still have time to decide. It doesn't have to be decided today. With my oldest, I had him at 31 and was by far the youngest mom in the class at school. With my youngest, I was 39 and seem to be average age of other moms in the class. People seem to have kids later than they used to. But, don't choose to have a kid because one day you might regret it. Kids are a lot of damn work. And I am not talking about the baby and toddler years. Those were physically tiring, but you knew it was a phase and it would pass. My oldest is in high school now and it is harder than anything I could imagine. Going through some of the friend drama you went through at 14 all over again as a mom is stressful. Knowing that you are trying to prepare them to go off and leave you and hoping you are doing enough, is stressful. The blank stare you get when you are trying to help them, is annoying. Seeing them sad and emotional and not being able to fix it, is heartbreaking. And you don't get the hugs and cuddles at the end of the day that make it all better like when they were little. You just have to hope you are making the right choices and teaching them the right things and that they will go off into the world and be a productive and happy human. I can't imagine going through this teen crap if I wasn't 100% on board with having kids to begin with. Brought to you by the mom trying to help her ds navigate through his first finals week, in distance learning, with major construction going on at the end of our block that is shaking our house, so we are all a bit pissy this week.
I wanted to respond because I feel this way about having a second child. We have one daughter who is 4. She is just the greatest thing in our lives. But, now that she is four and we have some degree of breathing room between daycare costs, sleep, 24-7 parenting, etc. I am very loathe to returning to those days.
I worry that in 10-15 years that I will regret not having a second child, but I just don’t ..want.. another. I‘Ve looked and looked for a reason to have a second that was legitimate (to me). Having a second “for the first” is just not a reason for me. I’m my parents’ second kid and the idea that they had me as a gift to my sister makes me ragey. I hope they did it because they wanted to raise another child and their family was wanting another member.
I am 40. Having a second would need to happen immediately and I just don’t have the motivation. I’m trying to be at peace with my future self. And who knows? Maybe my future self will know that my current self made the right choice.
Good luck to you. Kids are a TON of work and money. There’s just no way to describe it until you’re in it. I have no regrets because I wanted her badly. I just don’t long for her sibling in the same way.
We see our friends with kids and nothing about their life with kids appeals to us right now. But we are in our mid-30s and we are afraid in 10 or 15 years that we will really regret not having a family.
We married at 27 and figured we’d have two kids down the road. But that point took awhile. We were happy with the DINK life and had demanding careers. We had friends with kids and some without. As the youngest of my family, I was never around babies much and never babysat. I didn’t (and still don’t) enjoy other people’s kids.
I think for me, it was my dad being diagnosed with cancer that I realized there was no perfect time. I had the exact thought above - that I may not be 100% ready today, but knew in 10 years I’d want kids of my own. So we started trying, pregnant 6mos later, had DS at 35.
Life with DS has changed, yes, but in good ways. Seeing my H as a dad makes me love him more. I still don’t love babies but I damn sure love my own.
I'm 40 and happily childfree. My husband is 51 and we have been married 10 years. Both of us love our DINK lifestyle, travel, extra money, etc. We also both have immediate families that have been nothing but supportive of our choices, but of course societal pressures/friends/extended family aren't always so understanding.
I have simply never wanted children of my own, but one thing that has really helped has been cultivating a friend group of like-minded people. My friends are accomplished women who love their lives and have never had children, and it really helps to surround yourself with people who understand your choices. I have zero regrets and know that I did the right thing by remaining childfree.
Thoughts and a question for those of you who either decided not to have kids or both you and your spouse were ambivalent about it and had kids anyway...
H and I are on the fence about whether we want kids. Neither of us really have a desire to be parents but we are afraid that we will regret it later in life. We both work fairly demanding jobs - H traveled a lot for work pre-pandemic and I have my own business, and we sometimes feel overwhelmed with just household stuff and not having enough free time. We both share a lot of the household responsibility right now working from home but if H's work eventually goes back to normal then I think a lot of the parenting responsibilities would fall on me (or a nanny). We really enjoy our DINK life with flexibility to sleep in, travel, go to a late night dinner, etc. (all of this before the pandemic, obviously). We see our friends with kids and nothing about their life with kids appeals to us right now. But we are in our mid-30s and we are afraid in 10 or 15 years that we will really regret not having a family. I think we would both be really good parents as we are both nurturing, giving people and we love to spoil our pets. Is it bad that I just compared parenting my pets to parenting a child? Anyway, I feel like my clock is ticking and it's so much pressure!
Does anyone else feel this way? We don't really have any friends who are in the same situation as us - either both spouses wanted kids, or at least one did. I feel like the conversation is completely different when at lease one spouse wants to be a parent.
This sticks out or me. If you have no desire to parent, don't do it.
Also, my husband and I would probably be incredible parents to a child. That still isn't a reason to have one.
I'm 40 and happily childfree. My husband is 51 and we have been married 10 years. Both of us love our DINK lifestyle, travel, extra money, etc. We also both have immediate families that have been nothing but supportive of our choices, but of course societal pressures/friends/extended family aren't always so understanding.
I have simply never wanted children of my own, but one thing that has really helped has been cultivating a friend group of like-minded people. My friends are accomplished women who love their lives and have never had children, and it really helps to surround yourself with people who understand your choices. I have zero regrets and know that I did the right thing by remaining childfree.
I think this does help too. There are four of us in my friend group that I mentioned above, and three of the four of us are child-free. We've already decided that we're going to be the most amazing aunties for our fourth friend when she has kids.
Did anybody else just say it's Tuesday let's pull the goalie and see what happens.
#underachiever
Actually, yes. LOL. That was our whole plan. I never wanted kids. I was vocal about it and did nothing in my early 20s that would lead to marriage or children but ended up meeting DH and being married at 29 anyway, much to my surprise. He's 10 years older and wanted kids but respected that I didn't. I felt bad after a year or two because though he never said anything or pressured me, I knew he really wanted to be a dad and I knew he would be a great one. I said to myself, ok, let's try for a few months and if it happens it happens, if not, we'll be child free. And that's how I got DS. But I was at peace with it right away, which I never expected.
If I hadn't had DS, I wouldn't have missed being a parent, I don't think, but I'm so glad I did. I really had no idea what joy he'd bring to my life. And since I really didn't like or want kids, I had no rose colored fantasy about being a mom. I thought it would suck and the fact that it hasn't and instead brought me great joy is a constant bonus. I don't say that lightly because I had terrible PPD/A and I know many people later regret children but for me the one was the perfect complement to our life.
ETA: I would add that DH has been a completely equal partner in raising our child, which also has gone a long way toward making this awesome. He got up nights as much or even more than me, when I was struggling with PP problems. He packs lunches. Does pick up. We split everything. With that support and having only one, now that he's older our life really isn't too different than our DINK friends.
Thoughts and a question for those of you who either decided not to have kids or both you and your spouse were ambivalent about it and had kids anyway...
H and I are on the fence about whether we want kids. Neither of us really have a desire to be parents but we are afraid that we will regret it later in life. We both work fairly demanding jobs - H traveled a lot for work pre-pandemic and I have my own business, and we sometimes feel overwhelmed with just household stuff and not having enough free time. We both share a lot of the household responsibility right now working from home but if H's work eventually goes back to normal then I think a lot of the parenting responsibilities would fall on me (or a nanny). We really enjoy our DINK life with flexibility to sleep in, travel, go to a late night dinner, etc. (all of this before the pandemic, obviously). We see our friends with kids and nothing about their life with kids appeals to us right now. But we are in our mid-30s and we are afraid in 10 or 15 years that we will really regret not having a family. I think we would both be really good parents as we are both nurturing, giving people and we love to spoil our pets. Is it bad that I just compared parenting my pets to parenting a child? Anyway, I feel like my clock is ticking and it's so much pressure!
Does anyone else feel this way? We don't really have any friends who are in the same situation as us - either both spouses wanted kids, or at least one did. I feel like the conversation is completely different when at lease one spouse wants to be a parent.
This sticks out or me. If you have no desire to parent, don't do it.
Also, my husband and I would probably be incredible parents to a child. That still isn't a reason to have one.
Yes! I heard this so often when we were on the fence - You'd be so great at it. You know what, I think I'd be a pretty good doctor or lawyer too, but that's not a reason to go to law school.
My stock answer became, "I think so too, but instead I'm going to be great at my job, and travelling and watching netflix until 2am."*
* I know mothers can also be great at these things...
“With sorrow—for this Court, but more, for the many millions of American women who have today lost a fundamental constitutional protection—we dissent,”
Post by thelurkylulu on Jan 25, 2021 13:02:08 GMT -5
I have seen a few people say that life of a parent of one hasn’t changed much for them. A lot of that is dependent upon on how much family support you have, or whether or not you can afford a nanny or whatever. Not everyone as a parent of one can pickup and go out frequently, travel as much, etc. I am by no means shaming those who can do those things, but people who are considering having a child should realize it’s not always easy to find a sitter or that your parents might not want to keep your kid for a week while you go on vacation. 😉
DH was on the fence from the get go. He believed he could truly have been happy without children. But... he knew going into marriage that not having children would be a dealbreaker for me. He's so nurturing that I didn't doubt he would be a good dad. I was ok marrying someone that would have kids just because I wanted one. Before we started TTC he kept reflecting on how wonderful his relationship with his dad was, and that he feared regret on missing out on such a relationship. There was no pressuring. We met a few financial goals of ours, and then started trying.
DS was born when DH was 42.
I will echo what others have said. It's never ok to talk someone into having children. But I see that you are weighing the possibility of having children with your spouse. I strongly feel that because DH didn't have a strong desire to have children, that made our first year even more difficult. Growing up an only child, and being the youngest cousin on either side of the family, DH had very limited experiences with babies. Newborns were alien to him. He really struggled those first 6 months.
Fast forward to our DS being nearly 8? He and DH are absolutely inseparable, and I don't think DH could see his life child-free. Zero regrets, but lots of bumps in those early months. There was a real turning point around age 3 when DS was out of the baby stage, more interactive, and more... durable. haha
Yes having one flipped our lives upside down. But having one also means our family is still more portable. We can fit in one row on a plane, share a booth in a restaurant, we don't need a minivan, and we are only juggling extracurriculars for one.
I really wanted kids and having them has reinforced for me that people who are ambivalent should not be talked into it. They are a lot of fun but a lot of work. Our kids are now 11 and 8 and they are at an age where we can travel and do fun things but their activities also take up a lot of our time (any money!).
Absolutely. My kids are 14 and 11. I always wanted kids, and we have a wonderful life as a family of 4. I don't regret having kids (and I certainly don't regret my specific kids), but I do sometimes think (wistfully, lol) about what a child-free life would have been like. It's an every-day, all-day emotional, physical, mental and financial commitment for the rest of your life (obviously the level of commitment looks different at every age, but even when they're adults it still there). My oldest also has special needs that for years took a ton of time, money, resources, and were very mentally and emotionally draining. Deciding to have kids doesn't necessarily guarantee you'll have healthy kids who typically develop, something to take into consideration and prepare for the possibility of.
I agree with redheadk, about there being no wrong answers, and feeling a bit of regret isn't the same as making the wrong decision. Good luck!
Post by steamboat185 on Jan 25, 2021 13:08:55 GMT -5
We have 2 kids 7.5 and 4.5 we were on the fence when we got pregnant with our first and couldn’t quite figure out if we’d be happy childfree forever or not. I love our kids a lot and am happy they are around, but they are SO much work. They constantly need or want something and especially with Covid we are together ALL the time. We have zero nearby family and it’s tough.
I think we could have been happy without kids too. We like to travel, camp, ski and hike all things we can and do with the girls, but all things we could do easier without them. We’d also have so much more money! At our peak we were spending over 25k a year on daycare. I could have gotten a nice used car every year for 3-4 years or taken 2-3 very nice trips (or just been retired by 40).
Post by purplepenguin7 on Jan 25, 2021 13:10:08 GMT -5
one more thing to add, before I had a kid I hated when people would say "you'll know when the time is right" or other kind of "feeling" stuff. But, it definitely did click for me at some point. I realized that I was bored of sitting on my couch all day on the weekends, my husband and I were drifting apart because we spent so much time doing our own things (note- I am NOT advocating having a baby to save a marriage), even though I had unlimited freedom, my life was becoming monotonous and and boring (to me). That was tipping point of ok, let's do this. Of course there are times when I long for those days of my weekend being hours of TV, manicures, stress free target runs, having a lunch anywhere/anytime I wanted, etc. (covid doesn't help either) but overall I wasn't feeling fulfilled by my lifestyle.
I was ambivalent up until they pulled her from me and placed a squalling tiny thing on my chest. Then I was terrified. Lol But I embraced the maxim of fake it till you make it and did what I needed to do to keep her alive for the first month. Then as she got bigger I started to enjoy things a bit more. And now 17 months later I can’t imagine my life without her. So many many joys, both big (crawling! Walking!) and small (her perfect baby feet, the way her head smelled as a newborn, her first gummy smile). Of course I miss my old life sometimes, but this one is pretty cool too.
I thought this ship analogy that I read in a slate article was spot on
Post by goldengirlz on Jan 25, 2021 13:18:44 GMT -5
I wasn’t ambivalent about the first but I’ve gone back and forth about having a second for literally the past eight years.
However, my philosophy has always been that I shouldn’t do something I don’t really want out of fear of what I might later regret. I’ve long felt that my “ambivalence” was really my mind’s way of trying to reconcile what I want with what I think I should want (or, more to the point, societal expectations of what I should want.)
For example, my dad died a little over a week ago and it’s bringing up a lot of guilt — primarily because my sisters were such a source of comfort and support and I worry about DD not having that. HOWEVER, my great-aunt, who never had kids, outlived both her siblings (and now her nephew) and recently lost her partner, reminded me that you never know who your support system will be. There are no guarantees that life will work out as planned, and there’s more than one way of creating a “family,” if you consider “family” to be the people who will support you in your hardest moments.
I guess that’s a long way of saying that you have to live your life based on the best information you have right now. In eight years, I never once got to “yes” on having a second — so who’s to say I’ll change my mind in 18 years or 38 years? Every choice has its pros and cons. So I just have to do what feels right at this moment because who the hell knows what the future will bring.
Long wow to those saying that just having one didn’t upend their lives.
Mine is four and I still feel in recovery from the massive change having her took on our lives.
Seriously. I wanted kids so, so, so, SO badly (I cannot stress this enough, how badly I wanted them), and we suffered from infertility. When I was pregnant with our first, my husband and I were already talking about getting pregnant with another right away.
But once I had her? Whoo boy, did my life CHANGE, and not in a good way. I actually regretted having her and told my husband as much. She was needy, I could never put her down, nursing was painful, and I had PPD. I vowed to never have another child (I now have two because infertility with one child doesn't mean infertility for the second, lol), and having my second daughter was a fucking BREEZE compared to my first, AND she was in the NICU.
My mom came crying to me before Christmas because my sister told her she and her husband aren't having kids. And my brother is a forever bachelor, so my kids are it. She was absolutely dumbfounded when I wasn't outraged at my sister. WTF. First, none of my business. Second, um, now that I have kids, I ENCOURAGE people to stay child free if they are unsure. Because this shit is fucking HARD. I have dreams, especially during the pandemic, of what it would be like to be single and just have to worry about myself. I love my kids and don't regret them, but I don't think it's going to be some profound, life-changing moment where you will "see the light" after having them.
I agree with others who have said that having one kid is vastly different from more than one in terms of lifestyle. First, they get pretty easy and super portable at age 4, so it’s only a few years of baby/toddler stuff. The time commitment is less with activities, and the noise level is less because there isn’t a sibling squabble every other minute. The daycare payments also end after a few years. We did a ton of stuff when we just had DS1, and traveling with one was pretty easy. (Traveling with two became harder, with two car seats, a giant double stroller, the extra cost, etc.)
I don’t think people should be talked into having kids ever. But in my own experience, I am sometimes just shocked by the level of love and joy I have in my life directly because of them. (Don’t get me wrong, I also sometimes want to cry from how busy I feel all the time.)
ETA: I think the one kid could definitely depend on your kid’s personality, any special needs requiring more time and attention, etc. Our first is like a mini adult. Also, regardless of what the first kid is like, the first three years are going to be a complete change in lifestyle regardless. After that, having just the one was relatively easy (and that’s when the second came and it all got hard again.)
My situation is different, but I thought I would share. We married late and wanted kids. We tried just about every IF treatment and nothing worked. Eventually, we decided to move on with our lives without kids. I can't say whether I regret anything as the decision was made for me, but at 49, I am very happy with my life and don't feel like anything is missing.
My H doesn't want kids at all. I am more in the ambivalent category. I think if I had married someone who really wanted kids, I could have been swayed and likely would have been happy. I am also happy without kids. I do sometimes worry about missing out on the long term aspects of having a family, especially as we age - I really have little interest in parenting little kids, but the idea that once my parents are gone we won't have family to spend the holidays with, nobody to help us make a vaccine appointment when we're old, etc gives me some pause. But I know the day to day stuff of being a parent is a lot, and I'm not convinced that the benefits we're missing out on outweigh the things I like about being child free.
I also think we'd struggle with young kids, honestly. We both have ADHD and I have anxiety, too, and many days I feel like I struggle to just keep up with work and minimal housework/groceries/other adult life stuff. I have no idea how I'd manage taking care of children on top of everything else, and I don't even really think our lives are that difficult - it's just not our personalities to be busy and productive all the time, and I think it would be very stressful to lose free time.
All that said, I do see my niece and nephew being amazing little humans and sometimes feel twinges that I'm missing out by not having my own versions. Kids are funny and sweet and I do wish we had them in our lives more than we do. I think if we lived near family it would fill that gap, though.
joy, I think knowing one is enough is good. Like I mentioned, I think I was a better mom to one, which is both sad and hard to admit.
It was not a rough transition to one for us for a few reasons. We did not have a crazy active social life or travel a lot, so it is not like a lot of things were put on hold or stopped and two, C was a very, very good baby. So easy. This worked against us in that H had really unrealistic ideas of what is typical with babies. lol
Going to two was very hard. I had one who had just turned two and was still very attached to me and then K had one health issue after another. It was just a really hard time. I know a lot of people have said their experience was the opposite. I really think that if I had not gotten pregnant when I did, H might have wanted to stop with one.
Thank you for posting this and to everyone that has replied. I'm in a bit of a different situation and this has given me food for thought. I was ambivalent during my whole marriage about kids, we did try and had fertility issues, so we never had any. Now I am questioning, did I not want kids or just not with that partner? After I left my marriage the thought crossed my mind of "what if my biological clock runs out before I meet someone else". That's actually where I am still sitting now.
This is similar to my situation, although it was my exH who realized he did want kids, just not with me. (Real cute, he told me he realized this when I got pregnant after 3 rounds of fertility treatments, which I ultimately lost. At least he waited until later to tell me?) I was fine being childfree after my short time in the IF world.
Once I became single, I realized I had a really hard time swiping right on any guy on a dating app who said he definitely wanted kids. I had known fertility issues and didn't want to have to rush into kids soon after meeting someone. There were other parts to it, but the focus on (in)fertility was a big one to me.
I ended up having a hysterectomy last year. My bf was admittedly still unsure about having kids, but at this point it isn't something he considers a possibility now (as we moved in together recently). Obviously I'm definitely in the no kids camp now (unless we had the money and desire for adoption or a gestational carrier), but would understand if he decided it was something important to him and ended the relationship because of that.
My biggest struggle now is that I really feel like I need other childfree friends and couples in my life.
But I'm also planning on quitting my job to go back to school full time to become a nurse this year, something I don't think I would have done if I was still deciding whether or not to have kids since I'm already 35.
Long wow to those saying that just having one didn’t upend their lives.
Mine is four and I still feel in recovery from the massive change having her took on our lives.
I think part of this is just where some of us are with the age of our child. I know if felt like a huge difference when my DS was small but now that he's older, we're back to "normal" more or less. Or maybe I just can't really remember life before him as well? Both are equally possible, LOL. But I don't feel defined by being a mom, which was a major fear of mine, or held back from doing what we want to do. We just do it with him along.
We have one child and it's really hard. I wanted him desperately, we love the things he's brougbt to our life and it's still hard to carve out any space for yourself. I can't imagine doing this if you didn't really, really want to be a parent. And I would nor be happy doung it with a partner who got to travel for work a lot.
If you se other parents and nothing about the lifestyle appeals to you, don't dismiss that. Also, we temd to think about the best case scenario. You have to be prepared for a child with serious health or other issues. That's stuff we thought more about when deciding to stop at 1. Were we strong enough to take on more than even the typical work of parenting?
This video always cracks me up because it is true. If there is one thing I took for granted before having kids or dogs that must wear a muzzle or else they will eat small plastic objects, it was the ease of leaving my freaking house.
Post by wanderingback on Jan 25, 2021 13:47:35 GMT -5
Also, I will say that as someone who talks to people almost daily about sexual and reproductive health, many people are very ambivalent about pregnancy and being parents. I think the research shows this. It's also the reason many of us hate the term "unplanned" pregnancy.
So anyway, kind of a tangent, but I just wanted to point that out for OP. Maybe it's not talked about enough, but ambivalence towards pregnancy and whether or not to parent is very common.
I was on the fence and married someone who wanted kids, although I think he would have been okay not having one.
We have 1 DD who is 5 and we love her, and we love our family but it was a very difficult journey to get there. Before we started trying, I was not the sort of person who would do anything to be a mum. I then lost 4 pregnancies, one life threatening to me and the other requiring me to make a decision no one should have to make, going through labour and not bringing home that daughter... It took a huge toll on me and continues to affect my outlook on life and my parenting.
I do not regret having DD, and I love her more than anything, but I do wonder if I'd known from the beginning what it was going to take - would I have started at all?
But definitely love having a single child for reasons mentioned by PPS who are one and done.
Post by fortnightlily on Jan 25, 2021 13:53:24 GMT -5
As a low-energy introvert with anxiety who never had the 'biological' urge for kids, but worried I'd regret not having them (and DH really really wanted them), I can say with certainty now that I would've been plenty happy having stayed child-free
Of course I love DS, and who is 7, and I think I'm a good enough parent, but I don't find parenting to be a source of personal fulfillment. I struggle a lot. He's not good at entertaining himself, so the pandemic period has been pretty miserable for me.
I always wanted at least one kid. I was totally into it until I got into my 30s and later. Then I was around a teenager and I am very glad I don't have any kids and this one is about to move. I love having money and freedom. The only thing I worry about is the lack of the future. My family is all pretty much child-free and I am the youngest.