The only thing I cannot wrap my mind around is the idea that one kid doesn’t change your lifestyle.
I don’t understand that either. I have a super easy going baby and pre-Covid we pretty much took her anywhere we wanted to go, she sleeps until 8/830a most days..but my lifestyle has definitely changed. As an introvert, who hates bars/clubs, I wouldn’t say it changed in that respect but definitely has changed in other ways!
I always thought I wanted kids. MH was clear from the start that he did not. Things got serious between us pretty quickly and I knew that might be a potential deal breaker. A friend of mine asked me what it was about kids that I wanted. I had absolutely no answer. I mean, I'm also an introvert who can't handle noise. Not exactly prime parenting qualities.
In retrospect, I think wanting kids was more about expecting to want them someday. I never felt the urge to have them anytime soon. Oddly enough one of the things that made me feel the most confident in my decision was a few women back in the old place with adult kids. They said that they absolutely would have been just as happy, if not happier, without kids. I think I am probably the same and would honestly have needed a partner who was willing to do most of the work.
MH got a vasectomy 6 months after we were married. I worried that I would regret it but I just felt relieved. Then two months later I found out I was pregnant... That really drove home how very much I did not want kids so I had an abortion. It's been almost 8 years and I have no regrets.
Most of our friend group is CFBC so it's sort of normal to be the same. Our families either agree with our decision or have not said otherwise. In fact, the only person who has ever tried to talk me into having kids was a former gynecologist.
Post by purplepenguin7 on Jan 25, 2021 19:55:11 GMT -5
Patsy Baloney I didn’t want to quote your whole post but I absolutely agree there can be accidental pregnancies, but people throw around the word accident or surprise when they really just mean “we didn’t prevent”, which for some reason irrationally annoys me. I’m not even sure why.
The only thing I cannot wrap my mind around is the idea that one kid doesn’t change your lifestyle.
Yeah, I mean, I think my kid has a pretty charmed life in the sense that we travel with her, take her wine tasting in Sonoma, eat at fancy restaurants, go to Broadway shows and so on.
However.
1) That takes money. 2) Just because you can doesn’t mean you should. Like, sure, I can pack crayons in my bag and my kid will sit through a four-course meal at a nice restaurant. But I still have to spend my weekends taking her to swimming lessons, birthday parties, playgrounds, etc. She still turns into a pumpkin (read: over-tired terror) after a certain time. 3) Sometimes I just want to do those things on my own or with H. Like is there any worse feeling than being at a restaurant when the food is taking foreevvvver and worrying that you’re in a race against your child’s limited patience? Even the most well-behaved children are still, you know, children.
ETA: I think I feel these things more acutely because we don’t have local family help. I truly believe it takes a village and without that, parenting is really, really hard.
I really, really wanted kids. I went through years of fertility treatments and spent a lot of money to get pregnant, twice. We were never very exciting adults, so I wouldn’t say our activities took too much of a hit. LOL. We are financially comfortable and I choose not to work.
AND it’s still really difficult. I don’t regret having kids, at all, but I do dream about my old life where no one needed me every single minute of every single day. I think I’d really struggle if it was something I started off ambivalent about.
The only thing I cannot wrap my mind around is the idea that one kid doesn’t change your lifestyle.
They’re either lying or just don’t remember. Lol
Or like, watching Disney+, building block towers, and potty training were already part of the day to day...?
I still have my career, hobbies, friendships, travel (pre covid) but ... no... this is not the lifestyle I had 4 years ago. All of those areas have been impacted, even with the financial resources to throw at this. Kids get sick, nannies call off, and sometimes I’m too bone tired to do anything at all.
The only thing I cannot wrap my mind around is the idea that one kid doesn’t change your lifestyle.
They’re either lying or just don’t remember. Lol
Right? I feel like they are not giving themselves nearly enough credit! I mean, every single thing that goes with being responsible for a human being, when you weren't before, didn't change your lifestyle?
I know people think about - who will take care of you when you are old? There is no guarantee your children will take care of you when you age, and in my mind that is not a good reason for having children.
My standard answer to this is - all of my DINKy money will look after me.
(flippant I know but seriously, you can't rely on kids to look after you - they have their own lives, or may not be healthy enough to do so, or may not like you)
But seriously... for what kids cost, you can sock a lot of money away for retirement and an eventual care facility when you need it.
Of all the reasons to have kids, it never occurred to me to do it because they would take care of me in old age. In fact, I sincerely hope that they would never have to. I certainly don't want to have to care for my parents in their old age.
But, you still have to get up with them in the morning. Lol. And SO many other things!!
YES. This is what I think about when I see cute newborn baby videos and my heart goes "But loooook" I think about just how much I LOVE sitting around and doing absolutely fucking nothing on a weekend day. Feeding myself day in and day out gets exhausting, I can't imagine doing it for another human being while also worrying about the quality of food that's being given because I don't worry about that for myself lol.
Feeding them might possibly be the worst part of parenting for me. (Tongue in cheek... sort of.)
Seriously though, my 18 year old dog is effectively a baby. He wears diapers, cries when he wants something, has to eat soft food in a high chair and has to be held and burped. If this is mom life I don’t love it.
carmenere - wait, I thought the situation with my dog was bad. We have a w/c and stroller and diapers and can barely leave him home alone. But high chair? Burping?? I need more info. Do they make high chairs for dogs?
Yes, it’s called a Bailey chair and it helps with megaesophagus. We haven’t actually bought one yet because $$$ but he needs it. For now I’m just holding him in my lap to feed and getting food all over me.
Did anybody else just say it's Tuesday let's pull the goalie and see what happens.
#underachiever
I've never been big on birthdays and the year we got engaged I didn't get him anything for his birthday (in my defense I was prob going to give him a bj but honestly it was a long time ago). Anyway he was kind of pissed with me over it and we didn't end up having birthday sex and we didn't happen to have sex until 2 weeks later. Which is how I know exactly when I conceived. I often wonder that child would even be here if I'd just been a nicer girlfriend.
We decided on no kids before we got married. We are both pediatric healthcare providers and I think seeing what we do every day and enjoying high paying jobs that afforded us a pretty fantastic life skewed our opinion and helped us make that decision.
I never had the urge to be pregnant or have my biological children. As H neared 40 and his friends all started having kids ( 40 is pretty average for kids around here), he started vocalizing wanting one. Lots of conversations were had about adoption or attempting to have a biological child. I finally agreed to be one and done and throw away birth control for a year and if it happened, it happened. If not, we would stop and be CF.
11 months in, I was pregnant.
With identical twins.
So, try not to be us
I love my kids. But the first 6 years were HAAAARD. I almost died from pregnancy complications and delivered them 2 months early. No family around, we both work long hours, we had a great nanny, our kids were shit sleepers, and I missed our old life so much.
But, we tried really hard to have the kids join our life instead of the kids control our life, if that makes sense. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't. They came everywhere with us from day one. I am a good mom ( I think) but not the kind of mom that is playing trains on the floor, playing kids bop music, or planning trips to Disney. I just wasn't willing to change what I like to do that much so they join us on trips to where we want to go, concerts we want to see, and play trains with each other.
We never had the strong urge to be parents, but it was more of a future vision, like I imagined holidays with adult kids later on. We went back and forth for a while, and felt like we might regret it later on if we didn't try, so we went for it. I didn't have much excitement about the idea of a baby, mostly fear of regret. Even pregnant, I wasn't that excited to have a baby. I was dreading the sleepless nights and all the work involved. Once DS was born, I cared deeply in a protective sort of way, but was an anxious wreck and it took some time to really fall in love. It was a long slow process for me to settle into parenting. At times I longed for my old life and had an occasional twinge of regret. He's six now, and all that has passed, and I love being a parent so much now. I thought we were one and done because I couldn't fathom the idea of caring for another child, but a year ago we decided we do actually want another, but I'm 39 now and have been trying for a year with no luck.
I was really on the fence about about having a second child and talked it over with my therapist, and she mentioned a couple things that stuck with me. One was that people tend to regret things they don't do more than things they do, and that most things worth doing in life are hard work (I was worried about the extra work of another kid). Having DS has been the biggest joy in my life, and I never could have imagined the way it feels. It's also harder than I ever could have imagined, but the hard stuff has also helped me grow so much. I'm so glad we went ahead and tried just because we were afraid of not doing it. It's so hard to compare anyone's situation, though, and what it felt like to me to try for this reason is probably so different from you. I hope you find peace with whatever you decide.
I have been a solid no to kids all my life. H was ambivalent learning toward yes. Ultimately we decided not to have kids. We are in our late 30s and have been married 13 years so I’m pretty confident in that choice.
I guess I figure if we do change our minds in 10-15 years there a lot of wonderful kids in foster care that would love to have a family, so we would possibly foster/foster to adopt in the future.
I was one of the ones who said one didn’t change my life much, but what I think I meant was that I was able to retain enough of my old life to still feel sort of normal. One kid was easier for the grandparents to take, easier for us to leave the other one with bedtime, easier to cart on vacations...it wasn’t at all the same, but I had enough of myself left to feel I got the best of both worlds. I wouldn’t trade the second one, but it feels like a lot more work.
I also like the perspective above that I didn’t give myself enough credit for all the things that changed. It’s true. I do a LOT and instead of being amazed that I haven’t gone off the deep end, I judge myself for not being as awesome as Instagram moms.
The only thing I cannot wrap my mind around is the idea that one kid doesn’t change your lifestyle.
I think when people say this they 1. Have forgotten what kid free was like, and/or 2. Are coming from a place where the changes aren't an unwelcome or taxing mental load. So, it's emotionally true for them even though actual factual there's no fucking way it's true.
Like, food. No kids, I ate what I wanted when I wanted and never not once thought about anyone else's food consumption. Kids, I have to think about 3 squares a day served at regular times plus snacks because I'm into snack culture/not French. That's a change to my lifestyle. And it is taxing to me because I HATE thinking about other people's food all the time. And I'm not even the one in the family who cooks!
OP, I wanted kids theoretically and my husband agreed so we had one and then a second after much debate. But what I wanted was the idea of kids. Actual kids are better and worse than the idea. Better because they're just people and I really like these 2 people. They're a good time. They have interesting ideas. They like me and aren't afraid to show it. Worse because omg the constant asking for snacks. And all other worries. And strain on our marriage because my husband and I both need serious alone time to recharge and sometimes both want to hide from our offspring at the same time. Ha.
People don't talk about regret with having kids because it's wishing people who they (likely) love out of existence. Not because there aren't things to regret about making that choice. There's no right or wrong answer here.
The only thing I cannot wrap my mind around is the idea that one kid doesn’t change your lifestyle.
For sure. My 10 year old is an easy going kid. She’s fun to travel with, her favorite restaurant is a fancy steak house, and she is up for almost anything. She’s still a kid though and needs me to get her to school, to activities, appointments, etc. DH and I can’t just go out whenever and there are no adults only trips. There is no sleeping in. Of course my life style changed! I wouldn’t trade it for anything and I love DD so much but yes she turned out world upside down.
The only thing I cannot wrap my mind around is the idea that one kid doesn’t change your lifestyle.
I think when people say this they 1. Have forgotten what kid free was like, and/or 2. Are coming from a place where the changes aren't an unwelcome or taxing mental load. So, it's emotionally true for them even though actual factual there's no fucking way it's true.
I’ve been trying to figure out my knee jerk response that one kid doesn’t change your life that much since I opened this thread and I think you nailed it. I feel very seen. Also having a baby in a pandemic it’s like... I was a stay at home potato before we had a baby and now I’m still a stay at home potato. Maybe it will feel different-er when we aren’t stuck here anymore?
Can I just say how much I appreciate this open and honest conversation?
I will be 40 this year. Tbh, I always thought we would have kids eventually. But the brain tumor, surgery and subsequent recovery took a large portion of my child bearing years. Now we are so content in our cf life. I finally feel like I’m back on track from the pause my life took wrt my career, our relationship, etc. I have to think really hard of having a child would be worth my health, the child’s, and our relationship. I do have the “what if” thoughts. Reading through everyone’s responses makes me feel better and not so alone in my thoughts,
Also, H’s kids from a previous marriage are grown and through school.
Post by yourmother on Jan 25, 2021 22:16:40 GMT -5
We very much wanted to have a child and after years of IF and IVF, we were able to have DS. He is the absolute joy of our lives. I have moments where I can stare at his face all day and listen to him sing all day. HOWEVER, my DH and I are very independent people that need our own alone time. Adding our DS to the mix definitely changed everything from simple trips to Target to vacations to spending money. It is physically and mentally exhausting to be a parent. I have a great career that takes a lot if mental space, so I’m constantly kicking myself for being “lazy” on weekends and ignoring my DS and DH for as long as I can on the weekends.
I’m rambling, but my point is that if you are extremely happy being child-free, then stick with that. Being a parent can take so much out of you and your relationship with your partner.
Ps - stay off of Pinterest and half of these boards. I feel like the worst parent ever when I read about setting limits to TV or making sure my kid eats a balanced meal or whatever.
DH and I are 40, married at 23, assuming we would have kids (because that's what people do). Years passed, then I got an IUD at 28. At 30, we were really thinking we would try, but were never convinced enough to make an appt to remove the IUD. At 33, we talked because it was time to replace or dump the IUD. By then, we both realized we were not excited about kids, so had another IUD. At 38, time to replace IUD again, I forced him into deep talks on what he wanted. We both still did not want kids. Instead of a new IUD, I had fibroids and had a hysterectomy, which I was and am so excited about (I hate periods).
My parents supported me either way (no kids or move nearby to help me with kids). MIL was annoying asking "don't you want one." I grew up with 2 amazing women in my life that never had kids (one never married either) which helped me see the non-traditional path. I put all my nuturing into my cats. And like OP, I had thoughts that the bulk of parenting would fall on me. I also generally don't like kids. And if I change my mind, I can have kids in my life in other ways (mentor or adopt).
A little part of me is sad to miss out on the biological wonder of pregnancy, but that feeling goes away fast because of this board's Nastiness of PG thread. And my mom and I would have had more to bond about but I can find other ways to connect with her. I bought and read about 3 CFBC books because I wanted to see if I had any thoughts of regret, and I visited my new niece too... but the bio clock did not kick in so I felt more comfortable with my decision.
TL;DR. It was a hard/awkward decision and did not feel completely right all the time, but it does now and we are very happy to be CFBC! Join us!
Are we at the bitching about what people say to childfree people stage of the thread?
I probably have lots, but this one actually came up recently (and has been said many times)
"Oh you don't want to have kids? Have you thought about adopting or fostering?" WTF are you thinking? Adopting is HARD and children in foster care need parents SUPER dedicated to parenting, not ambivalent. They're not a fucking shelter puppy.
“With sorrow—for this Court, but more, for the many millions of American women who have today lost a fundamental constitutional protection—we dissent,”
Are we at the bitching about what people say to childfree people stage of the thread?
I probably have lots, but this one actually came up recently (and has been said many times)
"Oh you don't want to have kids? Have you thought about adopting or fostering?" WTF are you thinking? Adopting is HARD and children in foster care need parents SUPER dedicated to parenting, not ambivalent. They're not a fucking shelter puppy.
But don't you want a family? Yeah, H and I are a family, thank you very much.
Who will take care of you when you are old? The people I pay to.
You'll regret it. Sure, when I'm sleeping in and lounging on the couch and not running to soccer or whatever.
You must not be a caring person. Fuck off.
People are so incredibly rude about others' reproductive choices. I'm sure being a parent has a lot of rewards, but so does being CF. I'm 46 and have no regrets. We have plenty of nieces and nephews both biological and children of friends. I don't hate kids, I just don't want to take one home with me.
Post by Patsy Baloney on Jan 26, 2021 0:36:32 GMT -5
I’ve started this thing, when people say shitty stuff to me, that I respond in my head with the line from “there was an old lady who swallowed a spider”
“Perhaps she’ll/he’ll/they’ll die.”
Sometimes I hum the song.
This thread with all its shitty “I’m going to say offensive shit about being child free” recollections is encouraging me to just say it out loud.
I wrote this in a similar thread many years ago. IMO, don't have a kid unless you'll be absolutely unhappy without one. (this has really helped me be ok with being one and done)
We all need to be less afraid of regrets. I have a kid but guess what? I have other regrets. That fellowship I didn't pursue. That job I turned down. Regrets are up there with death and taxes for sure things in life.
I never wanted to be a Mom, even as a child. Had Essure procedure done when I was 27. Back in my 20s, I used to get anxiety at the thought of people mentioning having kids and was always on defense. But it was never mentioned to me much. Ex-H and I were married for less than 3 years so maybe it wasn't a long enough time for people to start asking.
I'll be 40 this year and married 1.5 years to current husband. Still, people rarely say anything to me. I'm also a lot breezier about it now and don't feel the same anxiety and need to defend my choices like I used to.
I felt the need to jump in and respond - I'm 41, CBFC and have ZERO regrets. I never grew up around babies, never wanted to hold them and didn't find them cute, lol. Everyone always says its different when it's yours and maybe that's true, but it didn't convince me enough, ha ha. And I think the biological clock is BS - I never had one.
DH was more ambivalent than me, I know he would have liked to have kids and we had a lot of conversations about it but luckily for us, it was never a deal breaker. Sometimes I feel bad that I didn't have a kid for him, but I really had to stand my ground. I didn't want to resent the choice that I made, and DH obviously respected my choice. Thank goodness my sister and SIL had kids so our parents could stop asking us!
We got married in 2008, and moved overseas in 2009, and have been here since then. Over that time, I've watched the majority of my friends have kids and it was just never something I saw myself doing. I worried about losing my identity in being a mom, having to give up everything that I liked, and always being responsible (leaving work to pick up if they're sick at daycare, etc). Are these selfish reasons? Sure, but they're still my reasons. Also, I get a lot of comments that I would be a good mom (because I'm always cooking and taking care of everyone), and I'm sure to respond by telling them that I'm more able to take care of my friends because I don't have kids. Otherwise, my energy would most be expended towards them.
I also really love to travel, and while you can absolutely travel with children, it's a bit of a different experience. I went to Turkey with my best friends and their 3 month old - it was fun, but not my favorite trip!
I do have a good balance of friends with kids and without. It's probably not surprising that my best friends are like-minded and child free, that is obviously easier, but we've also been able to make it work with our closest friends who did have kids - lots of home happy hours, etc.
And now that we're on to the complaining stage, I used to get a ton of comments because I'm in a culture where kids are pretty much required. I had a taxi driver in Dubai say she'd pray for me to have kids, and I said please don't! I also had friends try to convince us how great kids were, and then in the same breath talk about sending them to camp all summer.....so not super convincing, lol.
I just get so frustrated in the idea that women aren't complete without having children. I feel entirely complete! I have a full time job, as well as a job on the side of teaching Zumba, and recently became a personal trainer at 40. I'm getting certified to teach Pound next month. I love being able to continue to pursue my interests and have time to devote to it. I love to bake and cook and spend weekends on the couch :-P These are all choices I can make because I am CF.
I respect parents and everyone who decides to be one - I just 100% knew that life was not for me. DH and I are very happy together as a family with our 5 cats :-P We bought an adorable house in Buffalo, NY and didn't have to worry about school districts, enough room, etc. Also, I can say I'm very relieved during this pandemic to not have the added stress of home schooling children.
If you want to chat further - please feel free to message me!!! I'm really happy to chat about it further. It's a huge decision but you guys also have time :-)
Also, I LOVE the conversation happening here. You guys are awesome :-)