Post by JayhawkGirl on Apr 10, 2021 20:22:26 GMT -5
IMO: Wasn’t Paul’s kids’ news to share on social channels. Only Bentley’s own kids or spouse.
(I didn’t post about FIL for several days bc MIL was still trying to get back to the US and I was in the hospital myself. One of H’a cousins made reference to it and I had H ask her to delete it. MIL needed to be able to contact some people when she got back stateside)
Meh, I don't think anyone did anything wrong here...maybe your dad did. In my opinion, your dad should have let his children know as soon as possible. While it seems like he was trying to be kind and not disrupt them, he should have at least left a voicemail. Although Bentley was in hospice so I can see the lack of urgency, your dad knew his kids would expect this news soon and it wasn't a shock.
Paul's kids probably posted out of kindness (i.e. the world lost a great man...sad about my uncle...whatever they posted). No harm there assuming Bentley's family already knew.
Nothing should be posted unless the immediate family has already done so. My father passed away in February and 10 of my cousins had posted about it before I could get my brother on the phone.
It happened to be his birthday as well. I am glad he is not on Facebook for multiple reasons but it could have been his first exposure to the news easily.
Nothing should be posted unless the immediate family has already done so.
I definitely agree with this. When my brother passed this winter, I asked his wife directly what she wanted me to do. And I still waited for his sons to post something first since, they're his sons and should get to say their piece!
Post by goldengirlz on Apr 10, 2021 20:49:16 GMT -5
I’m not aware of an etiquette guide on this topic.
When my dad died, my siblings and I cleared it with each other (and our mom) before posting on social media. I guess I would have been touched if any of my cousins had felt compelled to post, but no one else did other than us.
We posted after the funeral so all the family had been notified. It was really only for our friends/extended network, and only because one sister in particular really wanted to. Once she did, though, the rest of us did as well.
Post by somersault72 on Apr 10, 2021 21:29:04 GMT -5
I found out my grandma passed away on Facebook even though my dad was the one who found her. I was at work and my parents had tried to call me but the service isn't very good in parts of the hospital I was working in, not to mention I can't exactly answer the phone while scanning patients. Anyway, I finally had a tiny break so I was scrolling through FB and 2 of my 20-something cousins had already posted about it. All of her children hadn't even been notified yet.
Anyway another vote for immediate family should be the ones to announce or at the very least give the OK for others to say something.
I feel so strongly about this topic. Unfortunately, SM is still new enough (yes, it is) that it's going to be years before there is a widely understood ettiquette on how to handle things.
My belief is that no one (including immediate family) should be posting on social media until they are certain all the close family and friends have been notified. Non-immediate family should not be posting on social media before immediate family, or in cases where the immediate family are not on SM, not before 24 hours has passed.
When my dad died (late at night), I waited halfway through the next day until I was sure my mom had let everyone important know. When my mom died, (expected hospice death), I posted probably three hours later. But that's because all the rest of the family and friends knew it was imminent, I only waited until I had called the out of town friends.
I called out one of my cousins (on my mom's side) for posting something when my dad died before we did. You do not ever post before the main family does (again, unless they have no SM presence and/or they ask you to).
Your dad did really goof up not calling your siblings. That's another thing older generations need to take into consideration as well - you can't wait on these things now, for just this reason.
In my experience, those immediately closest to the deceased might have difficulty making those decisions and thinking of all those things. When my brother passed, we had all gathered for my grandmother’s memorial service. Everyone knew he wasn’t doing well, but we hadn’t had a chance to tell the family that the doctors had decided to take him off life support when the preacher announced it to everyone at the service.
He had only spoken to my mom, but she obviously wasn’t thinking clearly. As the adult children, my sister and I felt we should have been consulted. The grieving are often just too focused on grieving.
I agree it should be up to the immediate family, at least in the near term. I guess if 2 weeks later well after all close relatives have been told someone wants to offer a tribute that's less of a big deal.
Nothing should be posted unless the immediate family has already done so. My father passed away in February and 10 of my cousins had posted about it before I could get my brother on the phone.
It happened to be his birthday as well. I am glad he is not on Facebook for multiple reasons but it could have been his first exposure to the news easily.
Post by cherry1111 on Apr 10, 2021 22:22:07 GMT -5
My husband found out his grandmother had passed because our sister in law (married to his brother) posted it on Facebook before his dad could call him. I think it should stay off Facebook/social media until immediate family has all been notified. My husband was so pissed in addition to mourning his grandmother that her death was being used to elicit Facebook attention mere minutes after they must have been told about it.
Post by sunnysally on Apr 10, 2021 22:39:43 GMT -5
When my mom died I only posted after trying to reach all of her IRL friends and after arrangements had been made. She had several online only friends and my sibs and I didn't know who she was close with online. I strongly dislike finding out a person close to me has passed through SM. When my grandfather died my sister AW it all over the place and it was a gut punch. I warned her not to do the same with our mom.
Post by wanderingback on Apr 10, 2021 23:42:57 GMT -5
I don’t know the exact etiquette, but I don’t understand the rush to post on social media right away/same day (ETA: I meant by non-immediate family/close family) so I say at minimum everyone should wait 24 hours in an ideal world. That way it likely avoids any hurt feelings or awkward situations. I haven’t posted about anyone’s death on social media though, so that’s my perspective.
ETA: I do understand some cultures have services right away after someone dies so posting with service info right away I do completely understand so people can attend. But could still be tricky as the word might not have gotten out to everyone yet.
I was like 5 minutes away from learning about my SILs death on social media because a family friend posted within hours of her death. Luckily my brother reached me on the phone before I checked facebook. But it could have very easily gone the other way. It was 8 years ago and it still makes me angry to think how many people found out through his stupid post.
So... Definitely don't post something the same day someone dies. Not posting until the immediate family does is a good rule of thumb. I have seen people post a tribute/rememberance when they attend the funeral (like, "remembering my good friend Johnny today, will miss your smile" type thing). I think by then it is ok even if there wasn't a post from immediate family since it has clearly been several days and notifications have gone out.
I agree that no one should be posting on social media until everyone knows.
Several years ago now my poor BIL found out his grandma had passed from one of his cousins posting it to Facebook. He’s on mountain time and the rest of us are on the east coast. My in-laws didn’t want to interrupt his work day so were waiting to call him. He saw the post, couldn’t reach his parents, couldn’t reach his brother (my husband) because he was working night shift at the time, so he called me. I had to confirm what had happened and then tell my in-laws that he knew. I felt very badly for him that he found out the way he did and that the only person he could get on the phone was me.
ETA: I hate social media for so many reasons. This is one example.
This is how we found out DH’s grandpa had passed. His cousin, younger by 15 years, so every second of her life is shared on SM, posted about it at like 6:00 in the morning, and FIL was waiting until 8:00 to call people. We knew he’d been ill, and the death was expected, but I didn’t think I’d find out by scrolling through Facebook, barely awake one day. I think waiting 24 hours or so makes sense, and I also see how in a larger family it’s not always easy to control the message.
Meh, I don't think anyone did anything wrong here...maybe your dad did. In my opinion, your dad should have let his children know as soon as possible. While it seems like he was trying to be kind and not disrupt them, he should have at least left a voicemail. Although Bentley was in hospice so I can see the lack of urgency, your dad knew his kids would expect this news soon and it wasn't a shock.
Paul's kids probably posted out of kindness (i.e. the world lost a great man...sad about my uncle...whatever they posted). No harm there assuming Bentley's family already knew.
I disagree. The father did nothing wrong. His brother just died and even though it was expected he has to deal with grief and the numerous 'busy' things that come with death.
There is absolutely no need to post about somebody's death on the same day. While some people post out of kindness others post due to the need for attention or likes. If they wanted to express their sadness they should have called their loved ones to talk about Bentley and their memories, not everything needs to go on facebook.
Maybe my family structure is different, but I would not expect a phone call in the first 24 hours to let me know an aunt or uncle had died. That seems like a large number of emotionally exhausting phone calls to ask of the spouse, siblings, or children right away.
For social media, I agree with "don't post anything until immediate family have done so", or just don't at all until there is funeral or other info to share.
Post by lilypad1126 on Apr 11, 2021 8:03:53 GMT -5
When my grandparents died this past year, I waited to say anything on FB until my mom posted on FB. She was in charge of notifying people, so by the time she was ready to post about it, it was a good bet that those who needed to be told personally had been. I think I was the only grandchild who posted, but none of my cousins are big SM users.
When my one cousins other grandma died 10 years ago, he did post on SM almost immediately. No one had told me about it (she wasn’t my grandma so why would they tell) but I saw his post and it didn’t say which grandma, so I panicked that it was our shared grandma. That experience has stayed with me and has made me much more aware of what/when I post.
When my grandpa was dying, his sister started telling people he had died while he was still alive in hospice. I saw FB posts about his death AND my grandma’s home phone was ringing with condolences calls while we were at his bedside trying to focus on our final goodbyes. It’s been 7y and I’m still pissed about it. I ended up asking a family friend to message those people and insist they delete their posts even though he died shortly after. So I agree - immediate family posts after notifying people.
Nothing should be posted unless the immediate family has already done so. My father passed away in February and 10 of my cousins had posted about it before I could get my brother on the phone.
It happened to be his birthday as well. I am glad he is not on Facebook for multiple reasons but it could have been his first exposure to the news easily.
Holy shit. I hope you read them the riot act.
I don't have energy for them and they have always had no respect towards me. So much so that they used to insult me in my own house at family parties. In fact, at the post funeral celebration of life they complained that I'm a picky eater. Even if that is true it bears no effect on their lives.
Maybe my family structure is different, but I would not expect a phone call in the first 24 hours to let me know an aunt or uncle had died. That seems like a large number of emotionally exhausting phone calls to ask of the spouse, siblings, or children right away.
For social media, I agree with "don't post anything until immediate family have done so", or just don't at all until there is funeral or other info to share.
Obviously every family is different, but in my family I would assume the surviving spouse or adult children would tell the deceased's siblings (or at least one of them, and ask that one for help making calls), who would them tell their own children and so on. In other words, I would hear about an aunt or uncle's death from my own parent. Not all of the family calls have to be made by the immediate next of kin.
Maybe my family structure is different, but I would not expect a phone call in the first 24 hours to let me know an aunt or uncle had died. That seems like a large number of emotionally exhausting phone calls to ask of the spouse, siblings, or children right away.
For social media, I agree with "don't post anything until immediate family have done so", or just don't at all until there is funeral or other info to share.
In my family the news would slowly kind of radiate out. If it was my mom’s sibling she would get the call then she would call us, and her other siblings would call their kids. We would never expect the bereaved to call every single person.
I definitely think that a death should never be put on social media until and unless the immediate circle does so first. When we lost my uncle a few years ago I waited until his children posted to then post a tribute. Anything else is absolutely wrong IMO. We have a large close knit family and I would never have wanted someone to find out on FB.
There's no good way to find out about it. My family is pretty close-knit so I wouldn't be notified about a family death on SM--more like a text and/or phone call. I can see where family members who utilize SM on the regular would want to pass the bad news on without considered the emotions of the other members who aren't as SM savvy. It hurts, yes, but we can get pretty wrapped up in our own emotions while in grief and to get the word out that we don't consider the feelings of others.
"Why would you ruin perfectly good peanuts by adding candy corn? That's like saying hey, I have these awesome nachos, guess I better add some dryer lint." - Nonny
The Emily Post Institute (descendants of Emily Post) actually do update the etiquette book every few years, and also have books on things like modern business etiquette, wedding etiquette, etc.
One thing I’ve learned on my years around here is I am much more breezy than most about this stuff. Death, and other trauma are hard. Having to call person after person and repeat the news...
Now, in this situation, I’m sways because I am not close to my uncles at all, so I cannot wrap my head around thinking it was weird to get the news that way. But normally, I’m like whatever makes things easier on the person undergoing the most trauma (so, Bentley s wife and kids, and maybe Paul and Simon). But I also don’t get upset when people don’t call others about bad medical diagnosis. Yes, I get that kids care about a parents diagnosis, but it’s the patients business how they want to deal with it.
The Emily Post Institute (descendants of Emily Post) actually do update the etiquette book every few years, and also have books on things like modern business etiquette, wedding etiquette, etc.
Maybe my family structure is different, but I would not expect a phone call in the first 24 hours to let me know an aunt or uncle had died. That seems like a large number of emotionally exhausting phone calls to ask of the spouse, siblings, or children right away.
For social media, I agree with "don't post anything until immediate family have done so", or just don't at all until there is funeral or other info to share.
Obviously every family is different, but in my family I would assume the surviving spouse or adult children would tell the deceased's siblings (or at least one of them, and ask that one for help making calls), who would them tell their own children and so on. In other words, I would hear about an aunt or uncle's death from my own parent. Not all of the family calls have to be made by the immediate next of kin.
This is what our family does. My great-uncle just passed from COVID. One of his adult children told my dad (their cousin), who then shared the info with me and my brother.
I didn't even express condolences to the other adult children of my great-uncle until they posted on Facebook, because I wanted to be sure they knew about it before I sent a message.
Post by irishbride2 on Apr 11, 2021 10:07:30 GMT -5
IME there are two types of people (non immediate family) who do this (post about someone dying that day)
The first is someone who is just in shock and not thinking and needs an outlet for their grief. I totally understand this. Should people wait? Yes. But sometimes grief makes us react without thinking.
The second pisses me off. It's the type that wants to encroach on an event for attention. It's the same type of person that has to post on someone's happy announcement with something along the lines of "I"m so glad I can finally talk about it!" or "It's been so hard to keep the secret!" We get it. You knew before facebook. Congrats.
Unless I know for a fact someone is a type 2, I give them the benefit of the doubt.