I posted about my mom's death the evening she had died. But by that point all family had been called (and most came to our house) and close friends. The announcement maybe caught some people by surprise, but they would not have been in the inner circle of close friends and family.
I think it was our (daughters and my dad) news to share and we got to choose when to put it on social media. And we desperately needed the support. Her death was a shock.
Post by StrawberryBlondie on Apr 11, 2021 10:14:29 GMT -5
I generally don't think anything should be posted on social media unless/until there's a funeral or memorial to announce. I understand these may be unique circumstances here and there necessitating otherwise.
I may be somewhat tainted here by an aunt that 100% posts such things not to inform, but to be showered with condolences.
Also for us, it was a way to get the word out once immediate people were informed. For my sister and I who don't live in my mom's city, we needed people around us to know what happened. But we also didn't have the energy after reaching out to family/friends, to keep spreading the word.
Many years ago I learned about the death of my grandfather (who I was extremely close to) from a distant second cousin. It was very upsetting and awful that it happened that way but I don’t blame anyone.
My dad was on a flight going home to visit his father when he passed. My grandmother and aunt felt as though my dad should be told and he should reach me himself so they didn’t contact me.
In the meantime they reached out to other family to notify them. My random second cousin who I never see and barely know called me to express her condolences.
I was obviously blindsided and immediately called both my aunt and uncle (dads siblings) who didn’t answer (clearly they were busy with all kinds of stuff to do). Finally I was able to get my cousin on the phone. My cousin has autism and is not social, a chatter, etc. however he was so compassionate in telling me the situation. I am forever grateful for that.
Anyway I of course wish it was handled differently and in hindsight I think everyone realizes it wasn’t the best way but I think it’s important to give each other grace following a death.
My vote is that it’s up to the immediate family to decide when/if it should be on social media. In my cases this may be the easiest way to share the news with others who may not have been as close.
Personally, I would be upset to learn about the death of a sibling/parent/grandparent that way, but I’m not as close to aunts/uncles/cousins so I could understand that it would be easier for others to share the news this way rather than make a bunch more phone calls while they’re grieving.
Family passing etiquette is taken really seriously in my family. Re Facebook, our general go-to is no posting at all unless the direct family members involved have confirmed it's okay to post. For example, my mom asks my brother and I each time before posting anything about us on FB. In my family, it would be expected within 24 hours that we'd call and express condolences to the family if an aunt or uncle (or great aunt or uncle) passed. We'd find out about it from our parents as we all thankfully still have our parents with us. A few weeks ago I found out within an hour of my parents knowing that my uncle's mother (aunt's mother in law) had passed and the expectation was that I would reach out to my cousins as it was their grandmother as soon as I saw the text. I know we don't always see our phones immediately, but my family would expect for a death that as soon as I did I'd stop what I was doing to try to reach out, to even try to step out of work if it affected someone I am closer to.
I think the immediate family not only needs to post first before anyone else does, but other people should have some general sense, if not tacit permission, that the immediate family is okay with others posting. That being said, within the immediate family, as long as they all jointly agree, I don't think there should be any judgement if and when something is posted. I posted about my dad's death a few hours after he died and I'm very glad I did. I can't imagine anyone would judge me for that, but if they did- well they can fuck off.
The wait until the obit / wait until the memorial responses seem extreme to me. In our family, memorial services are usually 40 days out and the obit is a week or two before that. People need support before that. The close family are the ones to share the news. They should be first. Whatever timing works for them.
Family passing etiquette is taken really seriously in my family. Re Facebook, our general go-to is no posting at all unless the direct family members involved have confirmed it's okay to post. For example, my mom asks my brother and I each time before posting anything about us on FB. In my family, it would be expected within 24 hours that we'd call and express condolences to the family if an aunt or uncle (or great aunt or uncle) passed. We'd find out about it from our parents as we all thankfully still have our parents with us. A few weeks ago I found out within an hour of my parents knowing that my uncle's mother (aunt's mother in law) had passed and the expectation was that I would reach out to my cousins as it was their grandmother as soon as I saw the text. I know we don't always see our phones immediately, but my family would expect for a death that as soon as I did I'd stop what I was doing to try to reach out, to even try to step out of work if it affected someone I am closer to.
Omg I don't know if it's that I have a huge extended family or that I'm not super close to them, but this sounds like absolute hell. I would turn my phone off if every one of my cousins was going to start calling me just to say they're sorry to hear my grandma died.
About the OP... I think people should wait until the immediate family has posted something. This also got me thinking though, when my FIL passed away I think we called one person and then posted memorial details on social media. Immediate family already knew and didn't need to be called. It would be so exhausting calling every friend and extended family member and go over it again and again I can't imagine doing that.
One thing I’ve learned on my years around here is I am much more breezy than most about this stuff. Death, and other trauma are hard. Having to call person after person and repeat the news...
Now, in this situation, I’m sways because I am not close to my uncles at all, so I cannot wrap my head around thinking it was weird to get the news that way. But normally, I’m like whatever makes things easier on the person undergoing the most trauma (so, Bentley s wife and kids, and maybe Paul and Simon). But I also don’t get upset when people don’t call others about bad medical diagnosis. Yes, I get that kids care about a parents diagnosis, but it’s the patients business how they want to deal with it.
This. Reading some of these responses makes me glad my family is somewhat disconnected. Sheesh.
I think its the immediate family's decision to share. But people suck, so it'll always be a shitshow.
The wait until the obit / wait until the memorial responses seem extreme to me. In our family, memorial services are usually 40 days out and the obit is a week or two before that. People need support before that. The close family are the ones to share the news. They should be first. Whatever timing works for them.
I'm one of those "wait for the memorial" people and in my family it's ~2 weeks from death to funeral. My grandma's was 3 weeks and that was REALLY long.
If it was normally nearly 6 weeks, I'd probably have a different opinion.
I remember it taking like 3 days for my mom's obit to go live. That is a really long time for a grieving family.
I added to my post to clarify. My view applies to people outside the immediate family. It’s always some great Aunt who feels the need to get attention.
I learned about my grandma's death on Facebook, which was kind of crappy. I was on a (domestic) vacation and my parents hadn't decided yet if they should call or wait until I got home the next day. I have a huge family, so I don't really blame my cousin who posted it. I have no idea how much time passed between when she found out and when she posted - it was the same day, but might have been many hours and plenty of time within which my parents should have called me. It wouldn't have been reasonable for all 25+ cousins to check in with each other before sharing their grief. Thankfully it was the grandmother I was not close with (i loved her, just never knew her very well). I probably would feel very different about getting news that way about my closer grandma.
In general i think parents, their kids, siblings, and grandkids should be notified with a phone call. Ideally a best friend or someone else very close with the deceased should also be called. Everyone else? Meh. I think it's a lot to ask, in the age of fast and easy communication, for grieving people to personally reach out to a million people to tell them. Posting on social media is an easy way to say it once and then receive support. Would we be opposed to a group text or email? I kind of don't see it much differently.
One thing not to do is log into the deceased person's account and write RIP and the person's name. I found out an aunt died that way... It looked like she was announcing her own death. I assume my uncle did that, but it was very confusing when I saw it before I had heard the news! I had to immediately call my parents to ask what was going on.
Do people announce deaths (in their own feed) beyond immediate family usually? I’ve seen people announce siblings, spouses, parents and children but not usually cousins, aunts and uncles or grandparents. For those people, i might see a ‘remembering so and so’ but it usually comes after someone closer has posted something and is usually more of sharing a memory than announcing a death.
Do people announce deaths (in their own feed) beyond immediate family usually? I’ve seen people announce siblings, spouses, parents and children but not usually cousins, aunts and uncles or grandparents. For those people, i might see a ‘remembering so and so’ but it usually comes after someone closer has posted something and is usually more of sharing a memory than announcing a death.
YES. I've seen this rarely, but enough to see it. People are thoughtless.
Imo, the immediate family does whatever works for them whenever it works for them. Everyone else can grieve offline.
I always picture a target. The immediate family is in the center. Everyone is allowed to foist emotions upon the rings to their outside and needs to be supportive of rings to their inside. When in doubt, shut your mouth.
I haven’t read the other replies, but my opinion is you don’t mention a death on Facebook until the immediate survivors have.
Since Bentley’s spouse and children aren’t active on FB, I guess you can’t take cues from them, but surely wait a reasonable amount of time so you can be sure that close friends and family have been notified. Personally, I would wait a week. If you need more immediate support, call a friend or put it on a message board like this one. I would have been so pissed if a cousin had posted about my dad’s or my MIL’s death before H and I decided to.
Post by prettyinpearls on Apr 11, 2021 22:05:48 GMT -5
My grandpa passed away about a month ago and of all the children/grandchildren, I'd say I'm the most active on social media. I don't know what the etiquette is, but I waited almost a week before posting anything on social media, just to give my parents/aunts/uncle to make a post if they wanted to. I knew everyone in the immediate family knew of his passing (he only had 3 children and 7 grandchildren), so I figured it was ok.
Meh, I don't think anyone did anything wrong here...maybe your dad did. In my opinion, your dad should have let his children know as soon as possible. While it seems like he was trying to be kind and not disrupt them, he should have at least left a voicemail. Although Bentley was in hospice so I can see the lack of urgency, your dad knew his kids would expect this news soon and it wasn't a shock.
Paul's kids probably posted out of kindness (i.e. the world lost a great man...sad about my uncle...whatever they posted). No harm there assuming Bentley's family already knew.
I am having a visceral reaction to saying her dad did something wrong in this scenario. His brother just died. He was trying to balance his own feelings while also thinking of his kids and not wanting to disrupt their lives unnecessarily. A voicemail is not the way to relay a death in the family.
Do people announce deaths (in their own feed) beyond immediate family usually? I’ve seen people announce siblings, spouses, parents and children but not usually cousins, aunts and uncles or grandparents. For those people, i might see a ‘remembering so and so’ but it usually comes after someone closer has posted something and is usually more of sharing a memory than announcing a death.
I generally see it when a second cousin or a great aunt posts on an family member’s page.
Post by basilosaurus on Apr 12, 2021 6:47:36 GMT -5
Traditional etiquette doesn't apply in today's world. So you're fine.
Ftr no one posted about my mil. I was there with her 2 some, one of whom we had to red cross back to see her. I was the one to make the time of death call. We're just not a big fb family. Everyone who needed to know knew.
I haven’t read the other replies, but my opinion is you don’t mention a death on Facebook until the immediate survivors have.
Since Bentley’s spouse and children aren’t active on FB, I guess you can’t take cues from them, but surely wait a reasonable amount of time so you can be sure that close friends and family have been notified. Personally, I would wait a week. If you need more immediate support, call a friend or put it on a message board like this one. I would have been so pissed if a cousin had posted about my dad’s or my MIL’s death before H and I decided to.
In this situation, yes. If they aren't on FB, then you can't wait for them to say something first. BUT yes, people should wait a few days before posting about a death that isn't THEIR immediate family.
I do view SM as an avenue to spread information in a similar way that an obituary does. When my dad died, I posted a day later and it was very much in the vein of "which distant friends/family would want to know about this?" and I put it out to be informational. But it was MY news to share. I would have been very put off if some other family member posted about it before giving me a chance to.
I think the immediate family not only needs to post first before anyone else does, but other people should have some general sense, if not tacit permission, that the immediate family is okay with others posting. That being said, within the immediate family, as long as they all jointly agree, I don't think there should be any judgement if and when something is posted. I posted about my dad's death a few hours after he died and I'm very glad I did. I can't imagine anyone would judge me for that, but if they did- well they can fuck off.
I agree with this. In the weeks after my dad died (and even still, 8 years later) it was actually a bit traumatic to be mindlessly scrolling through Facebook and suddenly see his name and picture that some extended family member or distant friend posted as an RIP or in memoriam, or to extend their sympathies. We (immediate family) actually made an agreement that after we initially shared the news we'd keep it off social media for this reason.
I think in general that people tend to rush to post things on social media, when it's not necessarily their news to share.
Do people announce deaths (in their own feed) beyond immediate family usually? I’ve seen people announce siblings, spouses, parents and children but not usually cousins, aunts and uncles or grandparents. For those people, i might see a ‘remembering so and so’ but it usually comes after someone closer has posted something and is usually more of sharing a memory than announcing a death.
I posted when my grandfather passed, because I was very close to him and he was my last living grandparent. My grandmother/his wife had passed a few years earlier, and my mom and aunt (his only two children) don't use social media, and I knew that my brother had already been told.
Do people announce deaths (in their own feed) beyond immediate family usually? I’ve seen people announce siblings, spouses, parents and children but not usually cousins, aunts and uncles or grandparents. For those people, i might see a ‘remembering so and so’ but it usually comes after someone closer has posted something and is usually more of sharing a memory than announcing a death.
I generally see it when a second cousin or a great aunt posts on an family member’s page.
My grandparents were very much like parents. My mom died when I was so young and gramma (and grandpa) really stepped in. We stayed over night once a week, lived with them in the summer. So I don't think it odd my sister posted a tribute photo when gramma died. Most of my friends and their parents knew her. I went to uni 1k miles away and even my college friends knew them well just from a few visits. The phone would get passed around the dorm so everyone could talk to gramma.
There's no right, no wrong, not in today's world. People do what they're comfortable with. I even see boomers posting about loved ones. Some of them sticklers for etiquette, too.
I generally see it when a second cousin or a great aunt posts on an family member’s page.
My grandparents were very much like parents. My mom died when I was so young and gramma (and grandpa) really stepped in. We stayed over night once a week, lived with them in the summer. So I don't think it odd my sister posted a tribute photo when gramma died. Most of my friends and their parents knew her. I went to uni 1k miles away and even my college friends knew them well just from a few visits. The phone would get passed around the dorm so everyone could talk to gramma.
There's no right, no wrong, not in today's world. People do what they're comfortable with. I even see boomers posting about loved ones. Some of them sticklers for etiquette, too.
I agree for the most part, as I stated originally. I do not assume someone is doing it for attention. However I do know people who do that. And I disagree that there is no wrong. If you aren't close, don't make it about you. It can be very hurtful.
But again, I do not make assumptions when I have no idea, mostly because every family dynaic is different.
I personally wouldn't share anything on FB about a someone's death until I saw it from an immediate family member/spouse.
That said, I consider learning about someone's death on social media, a voicemail, or a call all "communicating" so I'm fine with any of those methods. My family isn't very etiquette-conscious re: death in general, and we don't do funerals or memorial services, so any way I can find out is ok with me.
Post by basilosaurus on Apr 12, 2021 11:37:32 GMT -5
Irish I don't think we're in disagreement. I have never actually seen anyone post for attention, so it's really not on my radar. I agree aw falls in the wrong things category.
I have international family, and they know a lot of other non locals, so it's very common in my world for everyone to post even if not related. People are strewn across the world, so it's just common practice for everyone to post in the hopes it reaches the diaspora somehow some way. From Twitter perspective is usually in the hopes of prayers and it's always met with gracious thanks for the notice.
I should have read more thoroughly. Also I know my situation is fairly unique.
My thought is they should wait and make sure everyone knows in the family and they can coordinate.
For example, we had the funeral pretty quickly within a few days. But we still waited to post the message on social media, and we still had plenty of time to let everyone know about the funeral. So there isn't really a reason to be in a big hurry, so they could have waited. We told immediate family via phone in the first day, and the social media post was a day or 2 after. I am not saying don't post if you need support, but some people do it the second they found out, and I just don't see why they can't wait 1 day.