WDYT of this life insurance issue? (and update on IL drama)

[momof2]

I mean this with kindness — but you sound like you have major enabling issues. I think you really need to step back.

It is nuts that you think you can rely on an alcoholic for childcare. My parents also “only drink at night” with a very unhealthy relationship with alcohol. There is no way that they could be in charge of my kids at 2pm. They don’t make good decisions — they might not be slurring until 7pm but they have poor judgment all day long. And they would be unreliable, which would screw me over.

And these are your in laws — drop the rope and tell your husband to either pick it up or don’t complain to you. There is a reason he is doing nothing here — either because you enable him like this all the time, he realizes they will never change and doesn’t want to fight a losing battle or he is seriously enmeshed in a long history with alcoholic parents. The second choice is the only good one, but I doubt that is the case. If it was, he would be telling you to drop all this.

[simpsongal]

Tip on the insurance (if you don’t want it). Don’t cancel but stop paying. It’ll trigger the grace period (which some states have expanded during covid).

My father canceled his the month before died. If he had just stopped paying instead of calling to cancel, we could have paid the late premiums and collected.

[origami]

You really do have a heart of gold.

I’d sell the land and the beach house (no way would I want to deal with renter issues on someone else’s property), but keep paying the LI premium until it’s set to go up. That way no one has to decide that right now. Pay off the current debt, lock away the extra, and let all the other spending issues go. You can’t prevent alcoholics from buying too much booze. That’s a losing battle. I think you know you can’t let them watch your kids. Do not become their income source. They have assets to sell. They can fund their own spending with that.

[janegold]

momof2, I realize that you may not have read and/or remember my original post, but you’re reaching. I agree that my attempts to find solutions for them may be having an enabling effect but step off with “serious enabling issues.”

I got involved when they came to us for help in February. My FIL has been in serious cognitive decline - we don’t know if the alcohol is the cause or the effect - and all sorts of things started slipping through the cracks that he was unable to handle and my MIL didn’t know how to. I said I would help them evaluate the issue and come up with a plan. Which is what I’ve done. As much as I would like to hand them back the reins, I am not sure how capable they are of fully managing their affairs anymore.

We have had no indication that MIL is an alcoholic, other than FIL saying that the expenses aren’t all his. She spends a lot of time with our kids and is a wonderful grandmother. It may not be the best idea to have her babysit this summer for several reasons, but concern over my child’s safety is not one of them.

I completely agree my H needs to step up big time.

[momof2]

Apr 17, 2021 8:33:28 GMT -5 janegold said:

momof2, I realize that you may not have read and/or remember my original post, but you’re reaching. I agree that my attempts to find solutions for them may be having an enabling effect but step off with “serious enabling issues.”

I got involved when they came to us for help in February. My FIL has been in serious cognitive decline - we don’t know if the alcohol is the cause or the effect - and all sorts of things started slipping through the cracks that he was unable to handle and my MIL didn’t know how to. I said I would help them evaluate the issue and come up with a plan. Which is what I’ve done. As much as I would like to hand them back the reins, I am not sure how capable they are of fully managing their affairs anymore.

We have had no indication that MIL is an alcoholic, other than FIL saying that the expenses aren’t all his. She spends a lot of time with our kids and is a wonderful grandmother. It may not be the best idea to have her babysit this summer for several reasons, but concern over my child’s safety is not one of them.

I completely agree my H needs to step up big time.

Fair enough — but I do think if you keep trying to be reasonable and rational, you will end up nothing but frustrated. Both of these people have been making terrible decisions for years. I would hate for you to burn so much energy on a lost cause. Everything you want to do is the right thing to do, but they don’t seem like they will do any of it. I wish you the best of luck. And I personally would lose my mind with my husband. 😀

[janegold]

Apr 17, 2021 9:11:25 GMT -5 momof2 said:

Apr 17, 2021 8:33:28 GMT -5 janegold said:

momof2, I realize that you may not have read and/or remember my original post, but you’re reaching. I agree that my attempts to find solutions for them may be having an enabling effect but step off with “serious enabling issues.”

I got involved when they came to us for help in February. My FIL has been in serious cognitive decline - we don’t know if the alcohol is the cause or the effect - and all sorts of things started slipping through the cracks that he was unable to handle and my MIL didn’t know how to. I said I would help them evaluate the issue and come up with a plan. Which is what I’ve done. As much as I would like to hand them back the reins, I am not sure how capable they are of fully managing their affairs anymore.

We have had no indication that MIL is an alcoholic, other than FIL saying that the expenses aren’t all his. She spends a lot of time with our kids and is a wonderful grandmother. It may not be the best idea to have her babysit this summer for several reasons, but concern over my child’s safety is not one of them.

I completely agree my H needs to step up big time.

Fair enough — but I do think if you keep trying to be reasonable and rational, you will end up nothing but frustrated. Both of these people have been making terrible decisions for years. I would hate for you to burn so much energy on a lost cause. Everything you want to do is the right thing to do, but they don’t seem like they will do any of it. I wish you the best of luck. And I personally would lose my mind with my husband. 😀

Agreed on both counts!

[janegold]

simpsongal, I’m so sorry. That’s terrible.

[goldengirlz]

I’m inclined to agree with the posters saying that you can’t help people who won’t help themselves. Even your H is communicating his boundaries by dragging his heels on this. He’s not sacrificing his mental and physical health for his own parents, and that should tell you something.

Also, I’d challenge you to think about what you’re afraid of as the worst case scenario. That they’d have to move in with you? That they’ll wind up on Medicaid and in a long-term care facility? When you say it’s going to hurt “all of us in the long run,” what’s keeping you up at night?

I say this as someone whose parents made some financial/spending decisions that I was really against, and these were the sorts of discussions that my siblings and I had. While I acknowledge we have major societal issues with how we take care of older people, at a certain point, like your H, we all need to decide where our boundaries are when it comes to taking responsibility for the bad decisions made by our parents and ILs.

I’m sorry you’re in a rough spot.

[waverly]

There is a lot here. The life insurance isn’t supposed to be necessary in retirement because the idea is that the house is paid off etc.

The only thing I can say with certainty is that I would not trust my baby with them even temporarily if they are spending $40 in alcohol a day there is no way they can watch a baby safely. Sorry. I posted before I read your update that is is just FIL and not MIL but even so that is a lot for her to handle with FIL. Since she didn’t seem to want to do it, I would still cross it off my list.