@NCEP @Divorced parents - gifts- am I unreasonably annoyed?

[downtoearth]

Update on page 2 - TL/DR - Birthday was great with kiddos and they gave thoughtful presents and made me a cake from scratch. We did have sushi (rolled at home). Thanks for the advice.


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Original Post: So divorced parents. For birthdays and major holidays, how do you take your kids shopping? How do you feel about it? What can I do to feel less about it? 

I usually have my parents or sister take my kids shopping for a present for me. I'll give the kids (ages 14, 12, 8) money and ideas. However, my parents and sister are not in town before my birthday next week, and I don't have kids for this weekend. So I took kids shopping yesterday and gave them money. I went to a coffee shop and hung out while they went around downtown.

When we met-up they hadn't bought anything. I was surprised and asked if they already hid it in the car, but also reassured them that they could go grab something after school on my birthday (next time I have the kids). They said they now knew what to buy, but that they had texted their dad to take them to get it later this weekend. I had to hide my disappointment, and say, "You sure you don't want to go grab it now. I can wait and then you don't have to do that while at the other house." Mostly b/c I don't want my XH to have anything to do with my birthday or to be around when they get my present even (he still makes snide text messages about money all the time). The kids said they'd just wait for the weekend and we went home non-eventfully. \

And a day later, I'm still bothered. I don't want my kids feeling bad, but I also don't like that it's already hard to be giving your own money to the kids to buy you a present. And now more of the joy is removed b/c I know XH will be involved and helping them. I don't want XH to be part of my birthday at all. Am I stupid to be annoyed and sad? Or does it just take more time to not care if someone you loathe is involved in your birthday? I should just plan an event with kids next year and skip presents, huh?


ETA: My messy backstory - together with XH 22+ years, married 13, divorced <2yrs after discovering XH with his coworker one night. So infidelity and XH living with coworker within a couple days = minimal-contact, parallel parenting and zero trust for XH. I mean, this is the guy who took the kids to get me a $2.99 plant on both Valentine's this year and for Mother's Day (same plant from the grocery store even). I feel like he is almost intentionally is mean or hurtful about this since he was a super love-bomb, over-priced gift guy when we were together. So it's pretty obvious to me that he is now doing the bare minimum and is passing on that as a bad habit to kids. I also recognize the hypocrisy in my life b/c since I didn't cheat or intentionally hurt XH, I feel okay giving the kids $ to buy for their dad for Father's Day, Christmas, and his birthday. They usually want to spend WAY more than $3. I even try not to help at all and just drop them at a store and pick-up after. So I know I have some high-horse hang-up on this where I don't feel XH has a right to be part of my birthday anymore. 

[ECB]

I understand your feelings. 100%. But, and I think you know this, it's not fair to put your issues with your XH onto your kids and make it their issue to navigate.

As your usual plans couldn't work (your parents or sister taking them), I think this year, I'd say "Let's not worry about gifts - I'd rather have a nice dinner with you" - and put that $$ to either going out to a covid friendly restaurant or buy something extra special that you don't normally make.

I wonder if they aren't sure what to get you and they'd rather have an adult there to help - not realizing that your XH won't really be the help that perhaps your parents or sister usually are.

[ssmjlm]

At those ages I don't have an expectation of my kid buying me a gift. We don't do it and I didn't do it growing up.

Why not just treat yourself and not put any pressure on the kids?

[hocus2]

It seems like the kids have a plan and your X is just doing logistics. I would just let it playout for now. If it blows up in someway you can address it but chances are they kids will get you something fine and your X will just be the driver. If for some reason it falls apart you can address it once you're calm. A birthday gift is really important to you and you can share that since your kids are older.

[WOT?*]

I know it’s easy to say and hard to do when it’s” be the bigger person.” If he doesn’t take the kids to get the present they wanted to get you, or if he talks them out of it and into something cheap and impersonal, then express appreciation, but honestly your oldest is/are old enough to have “the talk” later, about how gifts are personal and buying something impersonal and not thoughtful is not considerate and does not show the care and feeling you would hope they would show to those they care about.
You give them money and let them shop for their dad because THEY love him, regardless of your feelings. I think that they are in some way trying to bring that feeling to their dad, that it’s your birthday and THEY love you and part of that is their dad being involved in the celebration, no matter how small that part might be, and whether they even realize they are doing it. Your generosity to your ex, as their dad, is showing and they want it reciprocated.
If he’s an ass it will show, and it will only harm their relationship with him. Even though it hurts, you are doing the right thing. If he’s a jerk about it, next year it the year after, they’ll simply shop without him there ruining their joy at shopping for you.
(I hope this makes sense and lacks stupid typos. I’m on my phone tiny screen and old lady eyes.)

[af1212]

I think this is putting your kids in a tough spot. They’re not old enough to navigate your fairly complicated feelings on your birthday.

I am married to my kids father and even so I tell them not to get me anything and just maybe make me a card or drawing.

I would perhaps think about starting a new bday tradition from here on out. Maybe you can all go away for the weekend for your bday each year, or go to a play, or a special restaurant, or whatever you’re interested in that fits your budget.

This way you can sort of avoid the complication and disappointment that comes with the gift.

[waverly]

Birthday and Christmas gifts were important in my family growing up. I don't think my dad ever gave me money or took me shopping for my mom, and they divorced when I was 13. And if he did, they would be terrible gifts.

I think maybe my sister and I did group gifts, or plants were always a good one because of the time of the year. Possibly my mom gave us money and took us to the nursery for the plants.

[shopgirl07]

So, you have a right to feel however you want about the situation. There’s a lot of hurt there so that’s definitely going to influence your response.

I split with my son’s Dad when he was two. My ex never did anything for me for Mother’s Day, my birthday or Christmas. And as my son got older I never gave him money to buy me gifts or anything like that. I guess I never really expected it and it didn’t really bother me.

Personally, I think it’s best to emotionally separate yourself from your ex as much as possible. Expect him to always do the least, or do the wrong thing and you’ll be way less disappointed. Once I learned to do this I was way better off. I think your idea of just planning an event with your kids without presents is a good one. Get your favorite cake, your favorite foods and do something fun. I think presents are hard for young kids and can lead to a lot of stress and disappointment.

[momof2]

Are gifts your love language? I’m thinking they probably are given your strong feelings about this. If I’m right, I think you are in a tough position, because this may be hard for your kids to live up to. I do think you could express to your kids that gifts are important to you because they make you feel special. But, I don’t think you can tell them not to buy when with your ex.

I would try to think about what your secondary love language is and see if you can do something around that with your kids that you can manage yourself. Like, if your second is quality time, plan something fun with them. If it is words of affirmation, ask them to name three things they like about you while at your birthday dinner, etc.

[NewOrleans]

You deserve a joyful birthday and your X is such an asshole. He should be encouraging them to make thoughtful cards and such. But his awful behavior is not in your control.

Your birthday is ultimately about YOU so I say treat yourself to something wonderful. And then yes, I would plan an event both now and going forward that you enjoy and tell your kids their presence is meaningful and loving to you for your special day.

[AdaraMarie]

As a short answer I would be annoyed at my kids if I took them to accomplish a certain thing and they didn't do it, but it seems like your feelings are not really about that.
I understand where you're coming from overall, but it seems to me like you are putting a lot on your kids and letting other people control your happiness. My kids never buy me gifts and I don't ever help or suggest buying gifts for their dad. I buy myself birthday and Christmas gifts and my x has no involvement. A 2.99 mother's day gift would be a wonderful surprise.
Mine are only 8 and 10 so it may change. I think they are interested in doing it but haven't had the opportunity.
It sounds to me like they made a plan and are implementing it the way they want. If their dad comes through, great. If it doesn't work out well, everything is still ok. Either way the kids will learn something about how much they can count on him, and it doesn't have anything to do with how they feel about you.
My advice would be do something or buy something to celebrate yourself because you deserve it and treat anything from your kids as a bonus. Maybe harder to do when you gave them money, but takes the pressure off everyone.
I do get jealous sometimes that I don't have anyone to buy me gifts like other people do, but I have come to accept that it is where I am in my life and it is ok.
Also, this is the type of stuff that gets easier the longer you do it-I am 6 years out.

[AdaraMarie]

I reread your post and I think planning a non present activity is great, but if you have this history of them shopping, I wouldn't necessarily take that away from the kids in the future unless you think they don't like it. I would worry that they would take it personally or as a failure on their part.

[krystee]

I get the emotion because birthday gifts are meaningful to me too. Do you have any single friends who might want to do birthday exchanges so you each get gifts without spending your own money and worrying about it? If so, I might try to do something like that.

Had your XH not been so horrific, I would think it would be the nice thing to do to each get coordinate a gift for birthdays and Father’s/Mother’s Day for the other one, but heck no would I want to get a gift for him in this case!

[plutosmoon]

Divorced mom of one, I just don't get store bought birthday presents from my daughter. I don't have any family nearby to take her, her father rarely sees her and even if he did he sure wouldn't help her with gifts for me, considering he hasn't even gotten her a birthday gift in 2 years. Last year she made me a card, and for mother's day she treated me to her "homemade spa". I'm not a gift person, so it isn't a big deal to me and I prefer doing something together for my birthdays. If you are a gift person, I can see how this is hard. It's tough, especially given your backstory, and it's ok to be sad and annoyed with XH's involvement, I think time will help. I would try to let this go, treat yourself to something nice and next year plan a fun event.

[ellipses84]

I totally understand your feelings. If you try to look at it from your children’s perspective though, they don’t have all those same feelings or past history with your ex, it’s just their dad and why wouldn’t he want to help them, and they don’t realize he’s a jerk about it. I’ve learned, even if marriage, that I will be disappointed with gifts unless I’m really clear about what I want (and then it’s not a surprise, which sucks). You can try to teach the kids how to be thoughtful gift givers for other people and hope they start doing the same for you as they get older. Keep your expectations low for now and splurge on something you want for yourself.

[taratru]

Hm. Well, my divorce was quite acrimonious. I never took my kid to shop for her father, and he never took her for me. As one does in a divorce, I learned I had to disconnect from my anger and frustration about his actions to keep myself healthy.

My ex-in laws made sure she was covered for gifts for her dad, and her stepmother made sure to take her shopping for me (which, in hindsight, she was kind to do). My kid always had gifts for me, but I have NO idea where she got the money, because it didn't come from me. That is the only part of your situation that has me head-tilting, honestly. Why is it important that they buy you a gift but only when they are with you? Why can't they use their own money/resources to do so? I think the answers to those questions would help you get to the root of what's bothering you and lead you to a better solution to how to celebrate your birthday moving forward.

I would talk to your kids about it. They are old enough. If they ask him and he takes them, then good, because he's doing what a father should do. If he snarks about it, that only hurts their relationship with him, not you.

[tacokick]

Apr 21, 2021 14:18:42 GMT -5 AdaraMarie said:

I reread your post and I think planning a non present activity is great, but if you have this history of them shopping, I wouldn't necessarily take that away from the kids in the future unless you think they don't like it. I would worry that they would take it personally or as a failure on their part.

I agree with this. If this is something you all have done for years and normally it goes well, I’d chalk this up to a weird year and try to avoid it happening next year. It seems like a fluke that your usual way of doing things didn’t work out. I don’t know why that means anything has to change going forward or set some sort of precedent.

Your oldest is 14 so pretty soon she could be taking the others shopping entirely on their own and this will be a moot point.

I don’t think they are trying to do the “bare minimum” either—I bet they were just shopping and thought of a gift they thought you’d like better at a store that wasn’t where you where. It sounds more like they are planning a surprise rather than trying to get out of gift giving or being thoughtless to me.

[foundmylazybum]

Logistically speaking:
You usually have an adult help shop and this is the first time you entrusted it to a teenager and it went sideways which really isn't all that unexpected. I bet if you had a hidden camera on their experience it was probably funny and a bit of a shit show.

They came back and they said they needed an adult to help them and they pin pointed an adult they knew: Their dad. They aren't deep thinkers who know this big complex back story of how your ex has let you down in so many ways. They know "dads help out---ergo dad will help us shop"

It sounds like you want a pretty specific result here and that's totally fine! But realize you have most likely been getting that specific result in the past more due to the structure and guidance of your mom and sister NOT the kids--They still need an adult in the room.

You can either be the adult on this gift giving adventure OR provide the one you want--OR THEY will suggest the adult--which they did and you are not happy with!

[abs]

I'm really sorry you are hurt. Feelings aren't always rational and I get that this stings.

I am not divorced but I have lots of experience with this from the kid side. My parents divorced when I was 10. They were married for 17 years and I think something big and messy happened but I've never asked, don't want to know, and my parents never brought me in to it. I would urge you to do the same. Unfortunately kids aren't great gift givers. Having them be in charge of picking out the perfect gift for you is unreasonable. My 10 year old definitely wouldn't be able to do this. What I would focus on is a new tradition that would make you happy. For your birthday pick out an experience that you would like to do with your kids and then splurge on the nice thing you want for yourself. That way you get what you want and aren't disappointed. As for your kids picking out a gift for you let them do it their way.

[lust2hart]

I understand not wanting your ex to be involved in your birthday. Could you ask a neighbor or a friend to take your kids after school one day this or next week?

Beyond that, though, I’d like to caution you regarding the “$2.99 plant” comment. I grew up with a mom who made it obvious when she was disappointed in a gift I gave her. I was well into my 30s before I got over the anxiety of, “Is my gift “good enough?”” I understand you believe that particular gift was influenced by your ex wanting to do the absolute bare minimum, but what if someday your kids decide on their own to give you some thing pretty cheap, but they think you’d like it? How will you react?

[downtoearth]

Apr 21, 2021 14:55:57 GMT -5 tacokick said:

Apr 21, 2021 14:18:42 GMT -5 AdaraMarie said:

I reread your post and I think planning a non present activity is great, but if you have this history of them shopping, I wouldn't necessarily take that away from the kids in the future unless you think they don't like it. I would worry that they would take it personally or as a failure on their part.

I agree with this. If this is something you all have done for years and normally it goes well, I’d chalk this up to a weird year and try to avoid it happening next year. It seems like a fluke that your usual way of doing things didn’t work out. I don’t know why that means anything has to change going forward or set some sort of precedent.

Your oldest is 14 so pretty soon she could be taking the others shopping entirely on their own and this will be a moot point.

I don’t think they are trying to do the “bare minimum” either—I bet they were just shopping and thought of a gift they thought you’d like better at a store that wasn’t where you where. It sounds more like they are planning a surprise rather than trying to get out of gift giving or being thoughtless to me.

Oh, I don’t think my kids are being thoughtless at all. It was their idea to go shopping and they had asked for a budgeted amount too and had been sharing lists of ideas on their iPads/iPhones. It was that now they are bringing their dad into the planning and I don’t like that.

I think my oldest (a freshman) is very thoughtful about gifts and remembers the presents from past and is pretty capable. If anything presents are his love language. Mine is time together - which is probably why I’m upset. I don’t really want them having quality time together picking out a gift for me... with someone I don’t respect. I think reading all these responses made me realize that. It’s not the gift, it’s that they will be talking about me and planning for me with XH and I want him to pretty much never think of or get a glimpse into my life anymore. I think I faked it enough with no emotion about their plans in the moment, and even mentioned today when saying goodbye that they could keep the $ for a present and take me to sushi on Monday instead... so maybe they’ll do that.

[downtoearth]

Apr 21, 2021 17:01:04 GMT -5 lust2hart said:

I understand not wanting your ex to be involved in your birthday. Could you ask a neighbor or a friend to take your kids after school one day this or next week?

Beyond that, though, I’d like to caution you regarding the “$2.99 plant” comment. I grew up with a mom who made it obvious when she was disappointed in a gift I gave her. I was well into my 30s before I got over the anxiety of, “Is my gift “good enough?”” I understand you believe that particular gift was influenced by your ex wanting to do the absolute bare minimum, but what if someday your kids decide on their own to give you some thing pretty cheap, but they think you’d like it? How will you react?

Thanks - good caution. I am only ungrateful to friends - never to the kids. would have been really thoughtful had my youngest not said, “Dad grabbed it at the store for us this morning when he got us donuts” thanks to a chatty 8 yr old who told me and then got punched by his older brother (and my oldest got in trouble for punching). It’s a commentary on the X, not the kids. I planted the plant and it still lives here. Oh and I’m a single mom who got laid off this year and still haven’t paid off the divorce debt... all presents are tokens and not really fancy at this time. 😉

[scm1011]

Apr 21, 2021 17:01:04 GMT -5 lust2hart said:

I understand not wanting your ex to be involved in your birthday. Could you ask a neighbor or a friend to take your kids after school one day this or next week?

Beyond that, though, I’d like to caution you regarding the “$2.99 plant” comment. I grew up with a mom who made it obvious when she was disappointed in a gift I gave her. I was well into my 30s before I got over the anxiety of, “Is my gift “good enough?”” I understand you believe that particular gift was influenced by your ex wanting to do the absolute bare minimum, but what if someday your kids decide on their own to give you some thing pretty cheap, but they think you’d like it? How will you react?

I have the same experience and lasting anxiety. I hate buying gifts to this day because my mother always made her disappointment evident, and i always worry I’m getting it wrong. My husband actually makes me online wish lists to avoid this trigger.

I get you wanting to separate your special day from your shitty ex; that feeling is super valid. Still, I echo others in urging you to not involve your kids in that struggle. They’re absolutely not looking at it in the same light.

[downtoearth]

Apr 21, 2021 15:24:34 GMT -5 abs said:

I'm really sorry you are hurt. Feelings aren't always rational and I get that this stings.

I am not divorced but I have lots of experience with this from the kid side. My parents divorced when I was 10. They were married for 17 years and I think something big and messy happened but I've never asked, don't want to know, and my parents never brought me in to it. I would urge you to do the same. Unfortunately kids aren't great gift givers. Having them be in charge of picking out the perfect gift for you is unreasonable. My 10 year old definitely wouldn't be able to do this. What I would focus on is a new tradition that would make you happy. For your birthday pick out an experience that you would like to do with your kids and then splurge on the nice thing you want for yourself. That way you get what you want and aren't disappointed. As for your kids picking out a gift for you let them do it their way.

Hugs on your experience. It’s so interesting to hear. I only have friends who have had major divorces when their kids were young so far. Oh and unluckily my oldest two definitely know about the reason for divorce... it was immediately and still is obvious why we got divorced and why their dad lives with a coworker whom they knew before also. I thought we could sort of hide it for the first 6 months, but I was wrong. They have therapists to help navigate the messy part of this. They have even started joking about some issues. Wish I could have spared my kids of any involvement, but their therapists seem to think they are doing well with the knowledge.

[downtoearth]

Apr 21, 2021 14:11:31 GMT -5 NewOrleans said:

You deserve a joyful birthday and your X is such an asshole. He should be encouraging them to make thoughtful cards and such. But his awful behavior is not in your control.

Your birthday is ultimately about YOU so I say treat yourself to something wonderful. And then yes, I would plan an event both now and going forward that you enjoy and tell your kids their presence is meaningful and loving to you for your special day.

This is what I’m doing in the future. I will discourage them from the gift thing if I can.

[mambo123]

I too grew up with a mom who was never happy with her gifts from us kids (two girls, two parent house). My parents never took me shopping for each parent things appeared or it was on us kids. And to this day I just get her flowers, because I have so much angst about what to buy. I can tell she wants me to spend like I do for my spouse etc. it’s just too much.

So for Mother’s Day and birthday she gets flowers and that’s it. I’ve been trying to make Christmas not a thing and just have nice family time together. For me it’s not a money thing she just wants stuff, and good stuff at that from her kids since my dad doesn’t spend spend spend.

All that to say, be mindful of the message you may be sending. I would also change the budget up for their dad’s gifts, when they get older they can buy more if they wish.

[litebright]

I think it may be good for all of you to make a clean break with the baggage surrounding presents and start a new tradition, at least for your birthday. Well in advance next year, tell your kids, "You know what? For my birthday this year, I don't want gifts. I want to try something different. I want us to do X together and have some fun to celebrate."

Maybe it's baking a cake or cooking a meal together, maybe it's a game night or a visit to a local park or place you've always wanted to explore, a movie you want to watch with $1 movie candy and popcorn at home. Something that takes your X, the inevitable mental comparison of present budgets then vs now, taking the kids to a store or getting someone else to, out of the equation altogether.

One of our favorite birthday traditions is that we make whatever cake the birthday-person wants. Maybe it's a fish-shaped cake, or one shaped like a dragon, or one with our dog on it painted in frosting. We figure out a way make it ourselves; sometimes it doesn't look great, sometimes it's a super simple version of the thing, but it's unique. The person gets to pick their favorite dinner to have, even if that means mac & cheese (it usually means mac & cheese for DD2, lol). And they get to pick the movies we watch at home that weekend. My kids probably don't remember exactly what gifts they got for a given birthday, but they remember the cakes they requested and how they turned out.

[Aloe Vera]

Let go of the gifts. Gifts might be important to you but I would think hard about it. I find this whole concept so weird. Giving money to your kids and dedicating an afternoon to buy your gifts. This doesn't feel spontaneous. I would have hated this as a kid. It feels forced and puts some pressure on your kids not to disappoint (which you were in the past and you are now).
Why not use your birthday to treat yourself and the kids to something special? That way, everyone has a good time and no pressure. I know it's hard with Covid right now but I would do a dinner on a river, a dinner at a super nice restaurant...

[wildrice]

Apr 22, 2021 9:24:41 GMT -5 Aloe Vera said:

Let go of the gifts. Gifts might be important to you but I would think hard about it. I find this whole concept so weird. Giving money to your kids and dedicating an afternoon to buy your gifts. This doesn't feel spontaneous. I would have hated this as a kid. It feels forced and puts some pressure on your kids not to disappoint (which you were in the past and you are now).
Why not use your birthday to treat yourself and the kids to something special? That way, everyone has a good time and no pressure. I know it's hard with Covid right now but I would do a dinner on a river, a dinner at a super nice restaurant...

It's a weird line, because I agree with you BUT I also think that teaching children to be thoughtful and generous and participate in social rituals (like gift giving) is valuable too. I am not sure if OP started this with the intent of just being able to get a gift (in which case, I'd just buy it myself I think) or if it's partly a lesson they can carry into adulthood. Presumably they will someday have spouses or other special people to buy gifts for and if they've never really had to think about it before, they may not be very good at it. Look how many women are disappointed by the lack of thought that their husbands put into gifts - maybe if mom instilled in them as a child that it's meaningful to spend time choosing gifts for people you love, they would do a better job as adults.

That said, in this particular instance I would probably do as others have suggested and try to skip gifts for mom in the future and just do something special together to celebrate. And then focus the lesson portion of this on buying gifts for grandparents, friends, etc. 

[somersault72]

Apr 21, 2021 17:01:04 GMT -5 lust2hart said:

I understand not wanting your ex to be involved in your birthday. Could you ask a neighbor or a friend to take your kids after school one day this or next week?

Beyond that, though, I’d like to caution you regarding the “$2.99 plant” comment. I grew up with a mom who made it obvious when she was disappointed in a gift I gave her. I was well into my 30s before I got over the anxiety of, “Is my gift “good enough?”” I understand you believe that particular gift was influenced by your ex wanting to do the absolute bare minimum, but what if someday your kids decide on their own to give you some thing pretty cheap, but they think you’d like it? How will you react?

About 5 or 6 years ago I bought my parents a GC to to a nice restaurant in town as a Christmas gift. My dad LOVES steaks and they have wonderful steaks. Their anniversary is like 3 weeks after Christmas, so I thought it would be perfect and I was so excited to give it to them. My dad acted like a complete toolbag about it and said he was never going to go there because he doesn't want to dress up (it's not required) and he doesn't want to go downtown (it's not downtown). It still upsets me to think about it. So yes I'd agree with you. Also WTF says these things when someone gives you a gift?

OP I've been divorced since DS was 2 and he is now almost 13. This year he requested to go buy everyone in the family Christmas gifts and he did buy me a candle for my birthday, but typically my kids don't get me anything, and I'm completely OK with that. TBH I found Mother's Day to be 100x harder as a single mother than my birthday. Anyway, I would rather spend time doing something with my kids (or spend time doing something special without my kids). Of course it's OK to be sad, disappointed, etc. Your feelings are your feelings. I think avoiding the gift thing with your kids going forward will help with the disappointment though. I'm sorry. <3