Let go of the gifts. Gifts might be important to you but I would think hard about it. I find this whole concept so weird. Giving money to your kids and dedicating an afternoon to buy your gifts. This doesn't feel spontaneous. I would have hated this as a kid. It feels forced and puts some pressure on your kids not to disappoint (which you were in the past and you are now). Why not use your birthday to treat yourself and the kids to something special? That way, everyone has a good time and no pressure. I know it's hard with Covid right now but I would do a dinner on a river, a dinner at a super nice restaurant...
I am here. Right here. If you want to go out for sushi for your birthday, then take them out for sushi. No pressure. You say you just want time together so then just go out for dinner together. Don’t give them money to spend on your dinner, etc. Just go.
Kids learn a lot of things growing up about gift giving beyond their parents’ birthdays. Their friends have birthdays, their siblings have birthdays, etc. Teach them in those moments. As the parent, don’t put undue pressure on them over your own birthday.
If the shopping aspect is really important to you, I would just drive them to the store yourself. You could wait outside or in the front of the store ... with a gift in a bag, the surprise could be maintained.
A 14 year old should be able to navigate the purchase with the other two in tow or the younger two don’t need to go and can just be a part of the choice.
If it were me, I would let it go for this year and just take the money and do something special.
As others said, the oldest is close to being able to handle this on their own and ex-h won’t need to be involved.
Let go of the gifts. Gifts might be important to you but I would think hard about it. I find this whole concept so weird. Giving money to your kids and dedicating an afternoon to buy your gifts. This doesn't feel spontaneous. I would have hated this as a kid. It feels forced and puts some pressure on your kids not to disappoint (which you were in the past and you are now). Why not use your birthday to treat yourself and the kids to something special? That way, everyone has a good time and no pressure. I know it's hard with Covid right now but I would do a dinner on a river, a dinner at a super nice restaurant...
It's a weird line, because I agree with you BUT I also think that teaching children to be thoughtful and generous and participate in social rituals (like gift giving) is valuable too. I am not sure if OP started this with the intent of just being able to get a gift (in which case, I'd just buy it myself I think) or if it's partly a lesson they can carry into adulthood. Presumably they will someday have spouses or other special people to buy gifts for and if they've never really had to think about it before, they may not be very good at it. Look how many women are disappointed by the lack of thought that their husbands put into gifts - maybe if mom instilled in them as a child that it's meaningful to spend time choosing gifts for people you love, they would do a better job as adults.
That said, in this particular instance I would probably do as others have suggested and try to skip gifts for mom in the future and just do something special together to celebrate. And then focus the lesson portion of this on buying gifts for grandparents, friends, etc.
I didn't start this. My kids wanted to buy me a gift and asked about logistics. I said I didn't need gifts, but they are thoughtful and wanted to so I let them. They also always have bought gifts for us parents at Christmas and our birthdays for years... so our whole family gives some gifts. And often they are experiences - going to the climbing gym. I don't think gift giving is a bad habit or that any of the kids feel obligated or something around HAVING to buy me a gift. We have done trips or weekends away or special dinners in lieu of gifts at times also. I understand that people here are really focused on my not like a $3 plant that their dad grabbed at a grocery store on behalf of them, but I didn't and wouldn't ever put that on my kids and it's NOT about the gifts. It's the involvement of their other parent. And up until now they have reached out to my sister or parents to do this for them on my behalf - I have not in the past couple years asked them or made them get me anything. For several holidays they gave me just cards.
If the shopping aspect is really important to you, I would just drive them to the store yourself. You could wait outside or in the front of the store ... with a gift in a bag, the surprise could be maintained.
A 14 year old should be able to navigate the purchase with the other two in tow or the younger two don’t need to go and can just be a part of the choice.
If it were me, I would let it go for this year and just take the money and do something special.
As others said, the oldest is close to being able to handle this on their own and ex-h won’t need to be involved.
LOL - that is exactly what I did and the kids didn't buy this time. I took them downtown and went a different direction and they went shopping for about an hour. They found a bunch of things they thought I'd like and I have no idea what they are. They are very self-sufficient, but no, don't have their own money yet. The kids still wanted to go get a gift later. They were just indecisive and looking around that day. I hid my disappointment that day, but was still annoyed that now they are getting their dad to drive them and so he has some involvement. They will pick it out and have my $ to do this and so I also told them no obligation that I would see them on my birthday and we could just have sushi if they didn't get around to picking out a present. I was just annoyed - kids didn't and don't know I'm annoyed.
I can't afford both sushi and to have my kids spend the $ they already have this year... but I'll keep it in mind for next year.
I think you need to remember that even if they go with your XH, the present won't have any connection to him. He's the taxi. Your feelings about him are yours too continue sorting through. Unfortunately, there's no way to keep him from knowing anything about your life or having any kind of non-physical presence at times. You share kids, there's bound to be stuff like this that pops up. But I think it's worth reflecting more on the reaction you're having to his presence and working through whatever that's bringing up with you. It doesn't sound like it's about gifts, it sounds like for you, is he's involved in any aspect of anything surrounding your birthday, it taints the whole thing. But that's not fair to your kids. Yes, there's been something shitty in the past. And yes, if the kids ask him to take them shopping and then he doesn't do it and just picks up another plant for them to give you, that will show them more about him than about you. From everything you've said about your kids, I would imagine they'll handle it as best they can do still show love to you.
I don’t have kids with my ex, so bear that in mind. I *do* know what it’s like to be just two years out of a marriage to someone you were with for a long time. You’re still seeing yourself in relationship to him, and you still feel affected by what he does. The betrayals are still fresh. It’s still really hurtful.
That will fade! Honestly, I would ignore all that it’s possible to ignore when dealing with him. Just keep telling yourself that what he does has nothing to do with you anymore. Outside of the well being of your kids, you don’t have to care at all, snd someday you won’t.
There is no right or wrong Mother’s Day gift, so if you get a plant every time, try not to read more into it. My kids, 13 and 8, don’t get me a MD gift, they make me a card, and I love that. You could ask them to do that the morning of Mother’s Day, spend a great day with them, and boom! your ex is completely out of the equation. Don’t ever pin your satisfaction on what an ex might think, say, or do; that’s a recipe for unhappiness.
In the future could you let them browse Amazon or Target.com, and when they find what they want for you then you can give your oldest your credit card along with a spending limit (or a Visa gift card) and let them take charge of ordering something online for you? That way they don’t need a ride anywhere.
I buy stuff for myself during the year and the kids pick something out of a box to give to me. Now that my daughters are older they use their own money and the boys still use whatever I’ve boughten during the year. I keep my ex completely out of anything to do with me. He was a disappointment our entire relationship and I have no reason to think he would miraculously change now that we are divorced. There have been a couple times where the boys have asked him to help get me a potted plant or something like that and he’s done it. This started because the kids wanted to give me something for a special event. I remember when my youngest was 6ish and he wrapped up a toy of his in news paper when he realized it was my birthday. My love language is not gifts however it was important to the kids as a token to mark an occasion so that’s why I do what I do with gifts for me.
I don’t think it would have occurred to your kids that getting help to shop from their dad was any different than getting it from you, an aunt or a grandparent. So, any way you feel about their plan should not be directed at them.
As to how you feel - sure, all those thoughts and the feelings that came with it are valid. Your birthday present got mushed-up with your ex and some pretty messy feelings. That’s a shame.
I really hope you give yourself some grace and time to feel better about it. It really is the kind of thing that only has the power that you give it. And I hope they give you a great present in the end.
downtoearth happy birthday! How did things turn out?
Thanks - my birthday turned out great. Kids were really engaged - had brought over presents the night before (although I didn’t see them until the next day), they made a cake from scratch with very little involvement from me, and we all made sushi rolls together. It was great and relaxing. I only thought of XH once when his mom popped by surprisingly (long story on her text rants and our lack of relationship after she thought I should be the bigger person and be “friends with XH again.”)
But really thanks - I had to sit with a lot of what you guys said and do some journaling again. It’s so hard to be helping my kids navigate the world with rights and wrongs on big picture issues (especially socioeconomic and political), but having to pretty much ignore the right/wrong elephant in the room with their own poor choice of a father I picked for them. But that is what I am learning to do. Thanks again - so many good perspectives from children of contentious divorces to those who have navigated this before me.