With all then police brutality videos I've been a lot about moments in life I wish I could have back so I could DO something that may have prevented a terrible outcome. It's so easy to say, "Well, if I were there, I would have done X, Y or Z" but would we really? How do we know?
I have two.
My grandmother was at my house and was exhibiting signs of stroke. My mom and my aunt and I were talking about it and she had just been to the Dr. that day and he said she was fine. She wanted to go home, so I drove her home. The whole time I thought I should take her to the ER but she refused. She didn't want to go and the Dr. had given her the all clear on the symptoms she had been experiencing so in her mind (and mine) I guess we thought she was OK. So I drove her home and put her on the couch with a blanket and she fell asleep. She never woke up. She suffered a massive stroke in her sleep that night and was basically a vegetable for a month before passing. I would do anything to have that night back and to force her to go into the ER.
The second is more in line with what we see on viral videos today. I was rollerblading (lol) on Kelly Drive and a man has climbed to the top of the Falls Bridge. He was shouting nonsense. There was a large crowd gathered including several cops. The man jumped in and went under and didn't resurface. Everyone just STOOD there (including the cops). People were shouting, "Do something!" and finally a young man next to me took off his shoes and shirt and jumped in. His gf said he was a lifeguard. He kept going under and coming back up, not able to locate the man. Still the cops did nothing. It was horrific. I still replay that in my head. Could I have helped? What could I have done? Helped the lifeguard (I am strong swimmer)? I don't know the right answer here but doing nothing seems like the wrong answer. This was before cell video. I guess in modern times getting it on film and holding the cops accountable would have been something. Maybe they are trained not to go in.
Post by karinothing on Apr 22, 2021 9:26:28 GMT -5
Oh gummybear both of those stories are hard. I don't know if I would have expected the cops to jump in (I mean at the time, I would have expected it but looking back probably not). I don't think its safe to jump off a bridge and even firefighters don't jump in without safety gear.
I don't know an exact moment but my mom passed from thyroid cancer. I remember he telling me when she was initially diagnosed with what they thought was a goiter. NOW I would give anything to go back and force everyone to remove it when it initially showed up. No idea if it would have helped, but at least I would not have to focus on it.
Post by Patsy Baloney on Apr 22, 2021 9:34:52 GMT -5
This one may seem trivial, but I think about it a lot.
When I was in college, I worked at a really high-pressure campus newspaper. We were a daily, completely staffed by students, and had very little faculty interaction. They selected our editor-in-chief when there was a vacancy and were "mentors" but mostly hands-off.
They chose a younger EIC and she was great. She tried really hard, didn't always hit the mark due to lack of experience, but it certainly wasn't for lack of effort. She struggled to create a bridge between photographers and reporters. One day, the newspaper faculty called an all newsroom meeting. They used the time to berate the EIC because of her inability to engage photographers in front of everyone. They let each of the photographers have a turn in speaking. It was honestly the meanest and least constructive thing I've ever seen. EIC began to cry. I sat there and didn't say a word. Afterwards, I exploded. I had some words with some photographers and one of the faculty members, but it was ineffective. I wish I would have stood up and said something - that this newspaper was for learning and practicing, that there are more effective management strategies than humiliation, etc.
I have replayed that moment in my mind over and over again. I should have said something. Anything.
Patsy Baloney not trivial at all! That is exactly what I meant when I asked. It could be anything. Contemplating what was the right thing or ignoring what out gut is telling us to do.
gummybear I know it must have been so hard to see that but I don’t think there is anything you or anyone else could have done. I can’t imagine anyone’s training allowing them to jump into the schuylkill river without even being able to see the person and without having appropriate safety gear like life vests and stuff.
Just like they teach you in Red Cross - the first step of helping someone else is to not put yourself in danger. Then there are two people to rescue instead of just one.
I’m so sorry you had to witness that and that it still haunts you. What an awful thing to be a part of.
af1212 I think I know the logical answer but sometimes the heroes take risks right? I guess that is where I struggle. But thank you for you kind words <3
I wish I would have told my friend to call her doctor. She was giving off strong leave me alone vibes, so I did.
Anyway, I have accepted that the outcome would have likely been the same because it was super early onset preclampsia so even if she went right at onset there is no way to know if she could have kept her blood pressure down anyway.
gummybear, I was a trained life guard. I might have tried to go in, but given the depth/ terrain it may have required diving gear.
I was in a pool that was 9 feet deep, and I couldn't reach the bottom. I remembered that because there was a story of someone that drowned in 10 feet deep water, and I was thinking I would have gone in and why did it take them so long to reach him, and then I realized at that depth I wouldn't have been able to reach them either.
I wish I had just stayed in teh good rhythm I had going to CC and then transferred to a nearby university for the last two years. I think I was so focused on having the "college experience" even though in many ways that would never have worked for me. the moral of my story is listen to your gut.
Probably my biggest regret is the Christmas I was 20, I didn't want to come home after school ended for the term because I wanted to be with my friends and just wanted to do actual Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with my family. My grandfather, who was the figurehead of our family and probably the single most important person in my life, was mad. He fell a few days later and I ended up coming home to stay with him at his house but we still argued over my behavior. We spent Christmas Eve together in his bedroom. We watched Twins, LOL and ate cannoli for "dinner." He woke up not able to breathe in the middle of the night. It was a PE caused by cancer - which I didn't know he had - and being immobile and he died six hours later on Christmas Day. For YEARS I tortured myself that we fought, that I was such a selfish child and didn't come home to my family earlier. It is pointless. Life happens the way it happens. I've tried to learn from it but that heartbreak? It's not productive. There is no such thing as life without regrets because we can never know what would have happened if.
circa1978 huge hugs I worked through my grandmother's death in therapy and I agree with everything you said. It doesn't change the fact that I wish I could have done things differently, but I am at peace with what happened. Especially when we are younger (I was roughly the same age as you when this happened), our brain processes situations differently.
gummybear, Hugs to you too. I had what they call "complicated grief" and did a lot of therapy, as well. I am a totally different person more than 20 years later. I try to give college me a lot of grace.
I remember when I was a young teen - maybe freshman year of HS - my group of friends decided we didn't like my childhood best friend anymore and "broke up" with her. I doubt we were mean in a traditional bullying sense - that is not and never has been my personality - but I feel really guilty as an adult that we felt the need to have a group conversation with her about it at all. I think we could have just done the slow fade thing. She and I had been friends for several years, and at points she was really my ONLY friend. I know she had some serious mental health issues later in high school (my mom stayed friends with her mom) and while they may have had nothing to do with me at all, I have always wondered if it was at least partly my fault.
The only other one that comes to mind seems trivial compared to some other things, but probably 3 months before my dog passed away, she had her bloodwork done and I remember the vet said that there was something that made them think they should get a urine sample. They weren't able to get one that day and I never followed up on it. It was not apparent to me from what the vet said that it was anything super concerning so I just didn't give it much thought, I guess. 3 months later, she suddenly got super sick from kidney/adrenal cancer and died. If it was severe enough to kill her just months later, I am doubtful doing something would have change the outcome... but I've always regretted letting that slide. She died when I was on vacation so at the very least I could have had information that she was sick and not been so shocked when she passed. I know she was "just" a dog but her death still haunts me.
Post by jennistarr1 on Apr 22, 2021 10:25:21 GMT -5
my first daughter ended up being a c-section and I felt like I should have spoke up more, better advocated for myself. Absolutely nothing wrong with a csection but there didn't seem to be a good reason for it other than induction was taking too long
A part of this was they came in to discuss csection and I was trying to get them to hold off until my husband returned but in not listening to me they just forged on ahead and I ended up kicking my mom out of my room (to get my husband). I wasn't mad at her, I was mad at my providers but it definitely came out on her and she died a short time later and I just overall feel like an ass about that. I should have just let her be there for me.
So 2nd baby was better, I labored a lot longer and felt better about the opportunities they gave me to progress and I got to 10 cm...but I asked for a top off my epidural which they tried to talk me out of but finally gave me right before I started pushing and I couldn't feel anything so I blame myself for 2nd csection because I just couldn't push her out
Post by ProfessorArtNerd on Apr 22, 2021 10:28:21 GMT -5
I really really regret not studying abroad. I went to Beaver College (shut up), now Arcadia university. It’s like their THING. And I could’ve gone to Rome in grad school. My grandmother was sick, I told myself, but she was literally sick my whole life. She wasn’t even nice to me!
There was one time when I was 16 and in raging teenager mode and I said some really terrible things to my grandmother when he was watching me while my parents were out of town and wouldn't let me go out. The look on her face still haunts me and I am tearing up now thinking about it.
I regret not paying more attention to my surroundings when a young woman went missing from a parking lot I was in. Her body was found a few weeks later and it’s never been solved.
I regret not going to my friend’s party because I was too tired. I didn’t know it was his goodbye party before he took his life a few days later.
UGH! I keep replaying these words and they bite me in the butt each time.
I came home for Christmas, I guess I was about 37 or so. My mom was trying to stop smoking and I was trying to support her, but to my arrogant eyes she wasn’t doing a good enough job and kept slipping. I got pissed off, bought and threw a package of cigarettes at her and told her to smoke herself to death.
There was a huge ice storm and I got out of Burlington on one of the last flights that left the area in a long time around 1/6. I was home in TX, and while the ice storm went on my mom had severe double vision. When she went to the doctor a few weeks later, she had a tumor pressing on her optic nerve and brain stem, metastatic cancer secondary to lung cancer. She was diagnosed 1/29, died 4/9. I flew back to NY from TX a few weeks before she died, she was never conscious while I was there.
In reality, she was having symptoms while I was there.....I just didn’t know. My throwing a pack of cigarettes at her didn't make a difference, but my words did.
Post by ellipses84 on Apr 22, 2021 13:11:02 GMT -5
I don’t have a lot of regrets, even though I’ve had some terrible things happen in my life. More lessons learned for the future. I think the biggest thing I’d want to do is spend more time with the people I loved who passed away and learn more about their younger lives.
I had some regret about not being there when my father died. He lived far away, in another country and I had periodically visited in the months before, knowing each time may be the last time. DH convinced me to take a Thanksgiving road trip and my dad died on Thanksgiving. I felt bad like I should have visited him instead, but it happened so fast nobody even closer to him could get to him in time. I said goodbye on the phone with a help of a nurse. On that trip we visited 2 other people we were really close to who passed away 2-4 months after the trip, so it was the last time we saw them and I don’t regret it now.
I’ve been in the position of having to call 911 several times, the first time I had to perform CPR, and I’ve been witness to other situations where people needed CPR and were revived. I definitely feel like I reacted too slowly/ needed too much guidance from the 911 operator the first time. The EMTs revived the person and said I did a great job but he still died later that day. I was only 17 and I’ve forgiven myself.
In a Hurricane I wished we’d left town but the media / Gov’t was telling us not to. There was a moment when I thought DH had been electrocuted and / or drowned and I couldn’t see him or communicate with him for an uncomfortably long time. I was safe on higher ground with the kids but I couldn’t leave them to try to help him because if I met the same fate, they would have been alone in a place nobody would have found them for days and they could have died.
fn2187 have you seen the movie The Time Machine? That movie REALLY gutted me. But I do kind of subscribe to the idea of your time here being predetermined no matter what the circumstances are, if that makes sense. Thinking about it keeps me up at night. I’m so sorry you carry that (((hugs))
I wish I had just stayed in teh good rhythm I had going to CC and then transferred to a nearby university for the last two years. I think I was so focused on having the "college experience" even though in many ways that would never have worked for me. the moral of my story is listen to your gut.
Mine is college too. I had gotten into my dream school (SCAD) and was really hitting my stride at the end of Freshman year with grades, sports, living away from home, etc. My Dad casually mentioned the next years would be difficult to afford (we had both taken out loans-not like he was paying cash or anything, lol), so I transferred to MassArt and hated it and eventually dropped out. I had no frame of reference that difficulty and stress paying for college was totally normal as were discussions of it. I took it as a not-so-subtle hint that WE couldn't afford it, so I couldn't stay.
fn2187 have you seen the movie The Time Machine? That movie REALLY gutted me. But I do kind of subscribe to the idea of your time here being predetermined no matter what the circumstances are, if that makes sense. Thinking about it keeps me up at night. I’m so sorry you carry that (((hugs))
Thank you. I quickly deleted thinking it may not be kind to his family to post. Bringing up so many emotions.
My mother wanted to tell me something but she was intubated. The nurse chased me away. I am haunted by what she wanted to say since she was never alert again and died the next day.
Post by BicycleBride on Apr 22, 2021 13:34:20 GMT -5
Mine is sort of dumb yet it haunts me even more now that I am a parent. I was a camp counselor at an in the woods type camp when I was in college. There was a day camp that used part of our facilities all summer. On one night that summer when we did not have overnight campers, the day camp hosted sort of like a slumber party for their campers in our main building. The day camp counselors came over to our staff house on their breaks that night to hang out and some of them proceeded to get drunk before they went back on duty. My boss, who was another college aged guy, was in the house and said nothing and even seemed to encourage the drinking. I was shocked but I said nothing thinking it wasn’t my business.
Nothing bad ended up happening but I am horrified when I think what could have happened if there had been an emergency and half their staff was drunk. Then for months afterwards, I wondered if I should tell the executive director what happened so he could be sure there wasn’t a repeat. It’s been nearly 15 years and sometimes I still wonder if I should tell the ED (it’s still the same person) about it. I should have gone for a walk and called the ED while it was happening.
BicycleBride, I don't see a harm in mentioning it. My guess is that none of those people work there anymore, but the person might be thankful for the knowledge to make sure it doesn't happen in the future i.e. no more day camp overnights or having a more senior person stay if they do.
My mom was scheduled for very strong chemo that required being admitted for the night at a hospital two hours away. She was scheduled to leave at 8:00 am with my aunt. I stopped at my aunt's house that morning before work to give her a hug and to tell her that I loved her. My mom called while I was waiting because there was a mix up with her hospital records here and they didn't have to leave until noon. Stupid, stupid me, I left and went to work, not wanting to be later than I already was to drive all the way to her house because....work. The hospital called that evening and told us to come. She died about 12 hours later and I never got to talk to her again, and never did get to hug her while she was conscious.
A lesson to all....never put your job in front of your loved ones. We obviously knew things were bad considering the chemo she was receiving but my boss and my job and, and, and. I will never forgive myself for not just taking the time to go to her.
Post by foundmylazybum on Apr 22, 2021 13:58:10 GMT -5
Often times I wish I transferred to a different college--but I had some really strong beliefs about some stuff that prevented me from just packing up and leaving and now I feel sorry I didn't just leave.
This is really random but I qualified to race in the USATF National championships in college and my coach asked me if I wanted to do it and I decided not to. OMG WHAT A MISTAKE! I was burned out from having a really great season of running, and I viewed it as all or nothing--but it really wasn't. AND I answered in the moment--I could have said like "Hey I need a day to think this over, I'll get back to you.." and gone home and asked--IDK MY PARENTS about options and came up with some more questions but instead I didn't ask any questions and just said "Nah I'm tired." We could have done so many other things to give me a moment to breathe, recover and get back in the saddle to race and the opportunity was so good. BOO.
I also wish I had figured out how to join a pro running group. Again there was a lot of opportunity there and it just went to waste. I get mad thinking about it.
And finally--more than almost ANYTHING I wish that when my periods changed, I went to the fucking doctor.
As far as doing the right thing, there was one moment on the Chicago El train when I wish I’d made a better choice. A deranged-acting guy got on the train once, and started berating these college students, calling them “white devils” and the like. It was just one of those unhinged moments you witness sometimes in the city.
Well, the kids get off, and suddenly he turns his anger on me. And this tiny old black lady behind me stands up and starts (verbally) defending me. But then I got to my stop and bounced. I was going to work, but I’ve always felt badly for just leaving her with that guy.
I wish that I’d been with my dad when he died. That wasn’t my fault; I had to go back to Portland for DD2’s birthday party, but I wish that I had made clear to my mom and my brother to call me if it looked like my dad wasn’t going to make it until I was scheduled to come back.
I wish we didn't move to Mississippi and buy a house in 2007.
I also wish we didn't trust the job offer my H had in January of 2020 that never happened resulting in unemployment for 15 months and counting. I wish he found a different job. The offer was so good, I was going to get a new car and a cleaning lady. Instead I got a dumpster fire lol