Tattle Tale Advice

[twinmomma]

Has anyone dealt with an extreme tattle tale? Any advice on how to get it to stop?

Beau's son is getting exhausting with tattling. If I ask the girls to do something, he will literally check in on them and then come tell me if they did or didn't do it. If we have friends over and the older girls don't want to play with the younger boys, he's running right over to rat them out. It's even to the point where if the girls get spoken to about their behavior, he pops in to say something like "But I wasn't doing it, right? I'm good?"

It's exhausting and frankly, annoying. I try to tell him that he needs to worry about himself and take care of himself, not worry about what other people are doing. But it just keeps happening. 

I want him to knock it off for two reasons. 1. I'm sure my kids are sick of it. And it's not fair to them, especially when he's chiming in with the comments about how he's not in trouble and we are actively working on trying to help DD2 with her ADHD. Her behavior is not always in her control. And 2. When he goes back to a classroom in the fall, I'm worried it's going to be a disaster if this is how he behaves with other kids in class. 

Anyone else have to teach a kid to knock it off with the tattling behavior? The girls never did this to each other - they're too ride or die with each other. 

[waverly]

I don't think we had it to that extreme.

I've done lots of you are not the parent, I am. You are not responsible for their behavior or their tasks. That is the responsibility of the parent. Kind of like he is overstepping and put him back in his place/ role as the child.

Behavior is addressed privately, so if he pops into their room I would tell him to leave. Lots of good strong boundaries. But if it becomes more of an issue you might go with a negative consequence. "We discussed tattling and what not to do, and unfortunately you are not listening, so you will have to lose TV for the afternoon."

I know some people have done what is acceptable to tell and what is not, for example if someone is injured, please come tell me. I wouldn't worry about school, since I am sure the teachers are experts in that and have their own ways of teaching/ dealing with that as part of their established classroom management. We've had several teachers address it to the whole class when to say something and when not to, and when the kid does say something and it is tattling rather than helpful, they have a "pat" response to let them know hey this is tattling and we don't do that in the classroom. It comes with that age group.

[hazelden]

The teacher response that I love for this is "Are you telling me this to get someone IN trouble, or to get someone OUT of trouble?" That's a nice way to shut down the tattling because it turns the "wrong" back on the tattler and they don't like doing the wrong thing.

[186momx]

DD's school has a great way of dealing with this. Is the person injured, is the activity dangerous, and something I can't remember than yes tell an adult otherwise it is tattling or something like that.
How does his dad react to his tattling on the other kids?
My sister did this a ton when she was little but she figured out pretty quick that if she wanted to hang with us she couldn't keep running to mom saying Sissy did this or Bubby did that. 10 year age gap so a little different scenario.

[twinmomma]

186momx, Beau is pretty good about it. But usually it's his son coming to me to fix it. He very rarely goes to beau to tattle, I think because he sees me as the one "in charge of" the girls. I do plan to have a talk with beau about it though, because he does tend to respond to the "I'm being good" comments too much I think. This past weekend we had an exceptional number of behavior incidents, I think because it was a busy/fun weekend with not a lot of structure, and my kids struggle with that kind of environment. ADHD means low impulse control and crazy behavior. I know this, we're working through it. Their not perfect angels by any means. But by the end of the weekend even *I* was feeling the "Oh my god, why is beau's son always trying to prove he's perfect and my kids are always the problem?" vibes, so I'm sure my kids picked up on it too. He doesn't seem vindictive about it, more just wants us to praise him and he wants to point out that he's doing good and they're doing bad, if that makes sense.

[sdlaura]

twinmomma my first thought is that maybe he's trying to show you that he's a good kid/get positive attention from you for telling you when they're doing something that he thinks might bother you. I think you've gotten lots of good advice for helping him redirect it.

[mustardseed2007]

My son does this but not so directly. I feel like it's older child syndrome.

I tell him - "I don't need your help" and "worry about yourself" all the time.

I try also to be careful not to react to something he is telling me about his sister unless I really have to.

Its an issue though.

[k3am]

Jun 8, 2021 12:26:56 GMT -5 186momx said:

DD's school has a great way of dealing with this. Is the person injured, is the activity dangerous, and something I can't remember than yes tell an adult otherwise it is tattling or something like that.

This is how we handle it in our house. Also reminders that snitches get stitches, which I don't think they understand. 

[xctsclrx]

twinmomma, I honestly would tell him the truth; no you are not being good, because you are doing xxxx and you need to leave. Do not give him the praise if the comments aren't warranted. We tell that to DD and DS all the time. "DS worry about DS that is a full time job" DS are you sure you want to tattle because then you are both getting in trouble" DD worry about DD.

In our house if someone is tattling then it is do you want to get in trouble too. Is it worth it? It has drastically reduced the issues. Now DS only tattles on DD if she is hurting him herself or breaking something. DD is not quite old enough to tattle yet.

I really like waverly, advice but fair warning it will cause a lot of tears and hurt feelings that you will probably need to address with him. As long as you and Beau are on the same page and have a plan in place to deal with it; it will take consistency and a few weeks but you should see some improvement.

[twinmomma]

xctsclrx, I like that approach! It will definitely cause tears and drama, but I think you're right that after a couple weeks he'll move on and the behavior will adjust.

k3am, I've totally said snitches get stitches to beau before about this situation. That's basically what I'm afraid of when he hits public school again in the fall!

[sandandsea]

Ds1 was on the opposite side of this during the last few weeks of school when they were in person. The teacher would write home about xy&z (small petty stuff - she had to because a yard duty told her about it but the fact she even emailed us about it annoyed DH) and ds told me that S always wanted to play with them (ds and a group of friends) but then S would always go complain to the teacher about how/what/when/why/etc. they played. I told ds he could take a break and tell S he didn’t want to play with him, I told the teacher the same as Ds was worried about hurting S’s feelings but I told him it was okay to take a break if S isn’t being a good friend. So I think natural consequences in the school setting work. You tattle about stupid stuff and people don’t want to play with you.

I think it’s much harder at home, especially with a blended family dynamic. I think PP may be right in that he’s feeling like the “bad” kid so he’s trying to point out that he’s not the bad kids and the girls do things too. Sorry you’re dealing with this. It’s so hard.

[twinmomma]

sandandsea, I'm not sure if he actually thinks he's being bad. I'll be honest - my kids are more likely to be causing trouble than he is. So that's why it seems like such over kill that he's always pointing out how great he is compared to them. Maybe it just is attention seeking - even though they might be getting negative attention, he wants to make sure he's getting that attention too.

[erbear]

My nephew is a tattler. I usually do what you do: “mind your business. You are in charge of you”. Then I complain about him.

[twinmomma]

Quick update: After talking to beau about it, he was all over it with telling his son to knock it off and worry about himself. For example, we asked if the kids had brushed their teeth. He said "Yes, I brushed mine but DD1 didn't brush hers." Beau's response was an instant "I didn't ask about her, I asked about you." Hopefully with both of us working on getting him to stop and pointing out when he needs to butt out, it'll nip it in the bud quickly.

[xctsclrx]

twinmomma, that's awesome! so glad Beau is on board. Makes it so much better.