daycare feedback

[jennistarr1]

So I'll preface this with saying we are operating at this high stress level that seems to be staying put for a while, for a lot of reasons, mainly a sick family member in a bad nursing home situation. I mention that because I think my reaction may be because I feel like I'm on edge

But all the feedback we get from this new daycare (11 month old) is what we're doing wrong or need to fix. An example I posted about before is EVERYTHING needs to be labeled, they even want a label on the bottle lid to include the date and what was in the bottle. So I'm doing that.

We pack a lunch and there is always something to say about that
--we sent in buttered biscuit, which she normally holds and bites...they asked us to send that cut up
--we sent in shredded cheese ( she eats this all the time at home) and they said to send in cubed cheese only (so kind of the opposite of the biscuit)
--we sent in chicken and they said it needed to be a separate container so it could be warmed up, there I did reply and say that we meant for it to be served cold and they said main courses like that need to be warmed up

So that's all the communication I get from them. Nothing like "we did this or that" or "today we tried learning to clap our hands" or "she had a nice nap". Nothing positive, nothing neutral. I feel like everything I'm hearing from them is "you did this wrong". 

This is wearing on me, not my husband. It's like each message by itself is fine, no big deal, no shredded cheese--got it...but the communication in it's entirety is what's getting me down.

Any advice? We are very laissez-faire. I replied positively with everything so far and done what they asked. Should I direct the messages (it's on app) to ask about how she's doing or towards something more positive. 

Or should I be direct and say this is bothering me

Or just recognize that it's me--not them

I just keep walking away from these interactions with tears in my eyes saying "you fucked up again Jenn"

[noodleoo]

Awww, man! Your last line got me... you are not fucking up! This is all part of the learning process. I get notes like this from my daycare once in a while. I forgot to cut grapes recently (because she eats them whole at home) and they reminded me with a note. It annoying, but they have their requirements and I do my best to comply.

How old is your kid? First time in daycare? I think I was very sensitive to this with my first as well. I didn't have a relationship wtih the providers yet, so I got very little info. And this was back when we could go inside and actually talk to the teachers. I started making a point of asking what they did that day and making small talk with the teachers and then it got a lot better. I can't imagine how hard it is now that you probably have to drop off at the door and barely get a chance to see what's happening inside.

All that is to say: don't take it personally!!!! I'm sure you are doing great. They aren't meaning to criticize you, just inform you. It is probably hard to make that clear in the app (the way tone is hard to identify in text).

This has been hard for me too during the pandemic. I ended up calling the room during nap time and asking to talk to my kids teacher. I said I just wanted to check in and see how my kid is doing. Is she happy at school? Is she adjusting ok? Wearing her mask ok? What activities does like? Is she falling asleep ok? Etc, those kind of questions to get them talking about your kid. It is *way* easier to get this kind of info on the phone. You could also mention you'd love to see a note in the app with a highlight of the day if they have time to add it.

I'm sending you hugs because I"ve been there. Starting a daycare is so hard. It takes a while to adjust to it. You'll get there!

Also, their labeling requirements are bonkers but I wonder if it is a requirement due to Covid. I know for our school, a lot changed due to covid safety precautions. It sucks.

[waverly]

jennistarr1, Do they provide food? If so, I would just get the food from them. I used to pack food like yogurt but otherwise, they provided everything else.

Honestly, I don't know what to say. I think at this point, I would ignore them and pack what I like ha ha who cares. It's their job to figure out how to microwave chicken. But upon second thought I would probably do what they ask, but it's super annoying. And no, you aren't doing anything wrong at all. Also, I would talk about it in person rather than over messaging. It probably is the kind of conversation that makes way more sense in person, and then you can also ask about the positive stuff then as well.

[lemoncupcake]

The food stuff is so dumb. Can you ask for a full and comprehensive list of their requirements/requests for the food you send in? I’m not sure how you’re supposed to comply with their weird list of demands if you were never told about them.

[icedcoffee]

This would annoy me too so I don't think you're being too sensitive, but knowing that it bothers you can your H be point of contact for a while?

I feel you. I once sent my kid with mac and cheese with hot dogs in it and they sent home the hot dog pieces with a note that it's a choking hazard and they refused to serve them. I was...not pleased. Same happened with grapes that I cut into halves and not quarters.

I do think your daycare sounds like they are a little extra. I'm sorry you're overwhelmed.

[icedcoffee]

Cutting up a biscuit is crazy cakes.

[coacctnative]

Is the feedback you're getting from the in-room teachers or the director? If it's from the in-room teachers, I would call the director and have a sit down with her and ask about the expectations regarding the food. In my experience, sometimes there's a disconnect from what the teachers are doing vs. what the director thinks is happening vs. what is state mandated.


And to what pp said, if they offer food, I would definitely switch to them providing food as it's less bandwidth on your part -aka throw $$$ money at the problem for your mental health sake.

[lucybrown]

You're not fucking anything up.

These all sound like they could be licensing/accreditation requirements or guidelines. NAEYC, USDA, state requirements, etc. The fridge at our daycare has several charts with food guidelines. There are some oddly specific requirements at our center to maintain the 5 star NAEYC rating. I can't find a link quickly, but they have a sign on the fridge that specifies exactly how large or small the food cubes need to be, according to age. It's ridiculous, but required for their accreditation.

Food aside, if you don't feel good about the communication, it's time to go. We're currently looking for a new provider and communication is a big factor. My child is safe there, but we want more regular communication beyond, "He had a good day."

[outnumbered]

Jul 21, 2021 13:28:25 GMT -5 icedcoffee said:

This would annoy me too so I don't think you're being too sensitive, but knowing that it bothers you can your H be point of contact for a while?

I feel you. I once sent my kid with mac and cheese with hot dogs in it and they sent home the hot dog pieces with a note that it's a choking hazard and they refused to serve them. I was...not pleased. Same happened with grapes that I cut into halves and not quarters.

I do think your daycare sounds like they are a little extra. I'm sorry you're overwhelmed.

They were probably complying with state liscensing requirements.

[jennistarr1]

Jul 21, 2021 13:15:11 GMT -5 waverly said:

jennistarr1 , Do they provide food? If so, I would just get the food from them. I used to pack food like yogurt but otherwise, they provided everything else.

Honestly, I don't know what to say. I think at this point, I would ignore them and pack what I like ha ha who cares. It's their job to figure out how to microwave chicken. But upon second thought I would probably do what they ask, but it's super annoying. And no, you aren't doing anything wrong at all. Also, I would talk about it in person rather than over messaging. It probably is the kind of conversation that makes way more sense in person, and then you can also ask about the positive stuff then as well.

No, we have to provide lunch at least

What you said is definitely helpful in at least understanding the problem. With Covid...the drop off and pick up procedure doesn't really allow for much interaction as it's all done at the door. So you're right, we haven't "talked"

[outnumbered]

Sorry you are feeling this way. This absolutely not about you making mistakes. The daycare is probably complying with EEC guidelines. They are not making any judgements about you and probably find the requirements as onerous as you.

[jennistarr1]

Jul 21, 2021 13:54:50 GMT -5 lucybrown said:

You're not fucking anything up.

These all sound like they could be licensing/accreditation requirements or guidelines. NAEYC, USDA, state requirements, etc. The fridge at our daycare has several charts with food guidelines. There are some oddly specific requirements at our center to maintain the 5 star NAEYC rating. I can't find a link quickly, but they have a sign on the fridge that specifies exactly how large or small the food cubes need to be, according to age. It's ridiculous, but required for their accreditation.

Food aside, if you don't feel good about the communication, it's time to go. We're currently looking for a new provider and communication is a big factor. My child is safe there, but we want more regular communication beyond, "He had a good day."

We switched from this in home little daycare that had it's issues (anti-vaccine and upped their daily rate to higher than the most elite of centers)...but they were easy (provided food) and being so small there was good communication and not everything had to be labeled. That's still an option for us I think so I'm definitely debating switching back

[ellipses84]

I would ask them to provide a comprehensive list of foods and how they need to be prepared, if they haven’t already. Past daycares we’ve been at usually gave us the paperwork including that when we enrolled. Usually the food guidelines are one page saying slice grapes, cut carrots the long way...

Do they have any sort of daily written feedback, like an app or a note that could provide info about your child’s day and reminders like that so it doesn’t have to be a nagging conversation? If not I’d talk to the director about how info is being communicated and what you would like to hear more of. Even with Covid and not as much face time they could do it. Maybe the teacher needs some coaching. We’ve even had post it note reminders for things we forgot. Also, if they remind you of something, say ok, thanks and ask how your child did with x, y, z today.

I haven’t felt any of our daycares we’re that picky but some have provided food which is way easier for parents! Some providers aren’t as tactful in their communication with parents though. One of the directors at our current center can be like that and the parents joke that we feel like we are getting called to the principals office when she needs to talk to us.

Ultimately, go with your gut if you feel like this place, teacher, director, etc. aren’t a good fit for you or your child.

[krystee]

I would probably just blame Covid. Call them and say it has been difficult starting daycare with covid and feeling a little disconnected since there has only been an opportunity to talk about things that need to be changed, and not general updates on how your daughter is doing. Thank them for taking care of your baby and ask them how things are going, what fun things they are doing, what she likes best, etc. Ask if they might be able to add a weekly update on any highlights.

[dcn]

The daycare my kids went to didn’t give a ton of feedback about my kids unless I asked. They were otherwise wonderful and my kids loved it there and thrived, so I wouldn’t leave (especially to an anti vaccine daycare!) over that. At least not before I spoke to them and asked.

The food stuff is annoying but like others said I’m sure it’s a requirement for licensing to have things cut up and warmed up.

It’s not you! I might ask if they have the requirements for food prep written down so you can refer to it while you are new and learning. If they are going to be picky then they need to tell people.

Hugs, a new daycare always takes some adjustment.

[lemoncupcake]

Jul 21, 2021 14:07:33 GMT -5 jennistarr1 said:

Jul 21, 2021 13:54:50 GMT -5 lucybrown said:

You're not fucking anything up.

These all sound like they could be licensing/accreditation requirements or guidelines. NAEYC, USDA, state requirements, etc. The fridge at our daycare has several charts with food guidelines. There are some oddly specific requirements at our center to maintain the 5 star NAEYC rating. I can't find a link quickly, but they have a sign on the fridge that specifies exactly how large or small the food cubes need to be, according to age. It's ridiculous, but required for their accreditation.

Food aside, if you don't feel good about the communication, it's time to go. We're currently looking for a new provider and communication is a big factor. My child is safe there, but we want more regular communication beyond, "He had a good day."

We switched from this in home little daycare that had it's issues (anti-vaccine and upped their daily rate to higher than the most elite of centers)...but they were easy (provided food) and being so small there was good communication and not everything had to be labeled. That's still an option for us I think so I'm definitely debating switching back

I know this is really frustrating but I wouldn’t consider any of this serious enough to go back to a daycare that is literally dangerous to the health of your child.

Just talk to the teacher or director about your concerns and what they can provide you to help smooth the transition.

[icedcoffee]

Jul 21, 2021 13:57:24 GMT -5 outnumbered said:

Jul 21, 2021 13:28:25 GMT -5 icedcoffee said:

This would annoy me too so I don't think you're being too sensitive, but knowing that it bothers you can your H be point of contact for a while?

I feel you. I once sent my kid with mac and cheese with hot dogs in it and they sent home the hot dog pieces with a note that it's a choking hazard and they refused to serve them. I was...not pleased. Same happened with grapes that I cut into halves and not quarters.

I do think your daycare sounds like they are a little extra. I'm sorry you're overwhelmed.

They were probably complying with state liscensing requirements.

Yeah they totally may have been.  And by not pleased I mean more I was just embarrassed and also annoyed my lunch was being critiqued and like I tried to kill my kid.  But I did appreciate them taking good care of my kid.

[usuallylurking]

Hey there! I’m so sorry you’re feeling like you fucked up. I promise you didn’t, and you are doing so many great things for your baby. Especially finding a Covid-cautious care situation for her, an unvaccinated child, to be in. Hugs to you!!

I run an in-home and can tell you there’s a lot of “training” that sometimes has to happen just to get everyone (home and us) on the same page. The biggest difference, as you’ve likely noticed now coming from a small in-home to this center, is that my communication is extremely personable and friendly with my families. Similarly, it’s all me (or my H), all the time. There isn’t a director, there’s no changing room teachers, we are the only points of contact from the initial inquiry to the goodbye every day, etc. so I know we simply have a deeper connection and a greater emphasis on caring about how our messages come across to our daycare parents. It’s possible that whomever is sending you messages just…doesn’t care. I know that sounds bad, but especially with the disconnect that Covid had leant to, I do think it’s likely it doesn’t occur to them as to how sterile their messages may come across. I’m not excusing it, but I am acknowledging it.

Some of these things feel suuuuper nitpicky, but for whatever reason they find them necessary, likely due to licensing. I would ask for a list of how to prepare foods on your end, but fwiw even we serve shredded cheese to our “finger food” kids because I think it’s a great adaptation! We provide all foods here, so it’s always interesting to me to read about what people pack for their daycare kiddos.

[cricketwife]

I'm so sorry.  I had a daycare for 7 years that I was unhappy with.  Don't be me.  It was these types of things ALL.THE.TIME.  So, I would say give yourself X amount of time to try this place out (whatever feels right to you) and then make a decision about whether you are still unhappy there.  For the immediate issue -

1. I'd call and ask to speak to somebody and tell them the situation.  I think an actual conversation will give you a better feel for things at this center. During the conversation, I would request a written list of what you can/can't send. It is very possible that these are state requirements.  But they still sound ridiculous. 

2. I'd also ask if there is a waiver that you can sign.  Our center did not provide lunch and they "required" everyone to sign a waiver that basically said "I understand the lunch I'm providing doesn't meet state guidelines and I'm ok with that. "  (I mean, I guess you could refuse to sign it, but I think it was their way of not having to deal with what your center is dealing with.)  I don't believe it negatively affected their rating, but ours was a nonprofit (church) daycare so they were treated slightly different by the state.  It's worth inquiring about.

3. I'd ask what kind of communication you can expect on a daily and weekly basis.  If their normal is not to send any communication, I would ask for something that is like a half-step above nothing.  For example, could they print a blank calendar of the month (or even better provide you a calendar of activities) and put a smiley face, straight face, or sad face on each day?

ETA: I just saw they have an app. It should be super easy for them to send a quick "emoji" report each day.  Also, I'm sure you've done this, but have you explored the app fully?  For the longest time, I didn't realize there was a calendar section on ours and I was missing info.  Is it possible they are sending some info to a place you aren't seeing?  

Finally, as I mentioned, I was 7 years in the same center.  My younger son just finished in June.  This last year with COVID was sooooooooo different than the previous years.  The "older" moms were all like "hooray! Curbside drop-off!" etc, (and I'm not gonna lie, I luuuuuuuved that) but I can't imagine starting a daycare in that environment. I knew a lot of the teachers; I knew the director and I still felt extremely disconnected. So if possible, I'd try to figure out how much of this you think is due to Covid procedures.  

[jennistarr1]

Jul 21, 2021 14:23:13 GMT -5 lemoncupcake said:

Jul 21, 2021 14:07:33 GMT -5 jennistarr1 said:

We switched from this in home little daycare that had it's issues (anti-vaccine and upped their daily rate to higher than the most elite of centers)...but they were easy (provided food) and being so small there was good communication and not everything had to be labeled. That's still an option for us I think so I'm definitely debating switching back

I know this is really frustrating but I wouldn’t consider any of this serious enough to go back to a daycare that is literally dangerous to the health of your child.

Just talk to the teacher or director about your concerns and what they can provide you to help smooth the transition.

Well I don't know if where we are is vaccinated or not. We asked and they said "all we can tell you is that most of our teachers are vaccinated". So obviously they don't require it and I have no way of knowing if her teachers are or are not. 

[lemoncupcake]

Jul 21, 2021 15:35:43 GMT -5 jennistarr1 said:

Jul 21, 2021 14:23:13 GMT -5 lemoncupcake said:

I know this is really frustrating but I wouldn’t consider any of this serious enough to go back to a daycare that is literally dangerous to the health of your child.

Just talk to the teacher or director about your concerns and what they can provide you to help smooth the transition.

Well I don't know if where we are is vaccinated or not. We asked and they said "all we can tell you is that most of our teachers are vaccinated". So obviously they don't require it and I have no way of knowing if her teachers are or are not. 

Are they wearing masks and have other covid procedures in place? It sounded like the in home you used before didn’t have that either.

[purplepenguin7]

My daycare is so similar to this. They once just sent me home a piece of paper showing the size of how to cut food with zero explanation if it went to everyone, or was just to me on how I was sending food. I realize you are stressed from other situations, plus is it seems like you are just starting there but I think it's important to remember they are not judging you, they do not think you messed up or are a bad parent, they just likely have state or accreditation rules that need to be adhered to.

As far as feedback goes, did they say that there would be any sort of daily report or feedback? Either way, I think it's completely fine to reach out to the director or the teachers if you have a direct way of contacting them and asking about how your child is doing, what things they are working on, etc. I would separate the "instructions" from the "feedback" if that makes sense.

Also for a fun antidote, when my daughter was around 9-10 months old one teacher told me at pickup just randomly "send real food". We didn't do BLW so she was only eating purees or super soft mashed foods at daycare because of their rules similar to yours. With absolutely no instructions, I sent in a small amount of cold pasta and chicken, assuming it would be heated up there. At the end of the day, another teacher was like no, we couldn't give this to her cold, you need to send warm food in a thermos with like a billion other instructions and rules. I was definitely taken aback because I wasn't told any of that. I quickly realized that it wasn't my fault for not being a mind reader!

[joy]

This is wild. My kid’s daycare was not like this… I’m so sorry, Jenni.

I really get the “I’m fucking up. Again.” feeling. But, I need to say that none of what they are saying is stuff that a parent should know or do. It’s not like they’re saying “cut the grapes because your child can choke!” It’s a ton of arbitrary stuff that doesn’t matter. Shredded vs cubed cheese? My gosh.

[lilac05]

At 11 months, I’m guessing you’re pretty new at taking food to daycare. You’re not doing anything wrong, there are just a bazillion rules that you have to learn (and they’re different at every place). It sounds like they didn’t give you a list of rules, so instead you’re getting them what feels like daily. They might think it’s less overwhelming for parents to let them know things as they occur rather than give them a 2 page long list of everything that could possibly ever be an issue. And that may be true for most parents, but it’s not true for you at the moment. That’s not because either of you are wrong, though. Just keep in mind that this won’t continue…as you learn their rules, you’ll get fewer notices.

Also, I’m guessing that they have the app open during lunch and are sending reminders to a lot of parents. They probably don’t even fully register who did what. If I went in and asked, “Who got a notice for bringing in shredded cheese?” I bet they couldn’t tell me. They just open the child’s page, jot a quick note, and then go wipe up the major spill that likely just happened across the room. If notes seem blunt and/or rude, just try to tell yourself that they’re doing it as quickly as possible to get back to doing what you’re paying them to do…watch, teach, and care for kids.

This stuff is hard, and adding it on top of everything else going on, and it’s perfectly understandable why it feels like a much bigger deal now than it’ll probably be 3 years from now. (And I speak from experience. I CRIED when I got notice DS1’s first day of daycare. I sent in GLASS bottles, and they’re not allowed. I was so embarrassed and thought sure it was a reflection of my parenting. I can laugh about it now…but it felt like a huge deal then!)

[Susie]

Jul 21, 2021 12:52:14 GMT -5 jennistarr1 said:

I just keep walking away from these interactions with tears in my eyes saying "you fucked up again Jenn"

I can't even say how many times I've felt like this over stupid things at daycare.  The reality is that it's not you fucking up as much as it is that being a working parent of a tiny child is so, so, so demanding, and the care infrastructure in this country makes it so impossible to succeed.  There's no down time.  You go straight from the stress of drop off to the stress of work (where it feels so hard to excel as a parent), back to the stress of pickup, dinner, bath, bed, only to log back onto work to finish what you couldn't because you had to split for daycare pickup... you have no margins or reserve left to cover anything that goes wrong or takes more time, and something always does anyway. 

I just want to give you a big hug.  I agree that the food requirements are probably accreditation things that they can't control, but they should be able to give you a copy of what the rules are so you know.  I'm so thankful our center provides food.  It was such a relief when I stopped with the breast milk bottles that I had to prepare and pack daily and just turn over the feeding responsibility to daycare.

[sent]

This is our 6th year at the same daycare so I know the rules. I think not being able to easily have daily conversations with the teachers for over a year now makes it hard for the newer families like yourself. I knew DS's teachers because DD had them so I know when they sent those odd notes home, what kind of "tone" the notes were written with since I personally knew the teachers. If I didn't know them, I could see interpreting them as "ugh I keep screwing up" of "ugh so annoying!"

Here are my anecdotes from the flip side. A few weeks ago I sent grapes and got a note in the afternoon to "next time, please cut the grapes in half." I called immediately and said "I personally cut them in half this morning!" I didn't hear anything more from them but I could also see how with 17 kids (age 3), that lunchtime could get chaotic. A few weeks prior to that, DS had a substitute and she called to say another kid ate DS's sandwich and that they offered DS graham crackers for lunch. DS is not the best eater but all I can do is trust that he is safe and they aren't starving him on purpose, occasionally these screwups happen.

Daycare meals have gotten easier as they got older. So you have that to look forward to.

[joy]

Jul 21, 2021 14:07:33 GMT -5 jennistarr1 said:

Jul 21, 2021 13:54:50 GMT -5 lucybrown said:

You're not fucking anything up.

These all sound like they could be licensing/accreditation requirements or guidelines. NAEYC, USDA, state requirements, etc. The fridge at our daycare has several charts with food guidelines. There are some oddly specific requirements at our center to maintain the 5 star NAEYC rating. I can't find a link quickly, but they have a sign on the fridge that specifies exactly how large or small the food cubes need to be, according to age. It's ridiculous, but required for their accreditation.

Food aside, if you don't feel good about the communication, it's time to go. We're currently looking for a new provider and communication is a big factor. My child is safe there, but we want more regular communication beyond, "He had a good day."

We switched from this in home little daycare that had it's issues (anti-vaccine and upped their daily rate to higher than the most elite of centers)...but they were easy (provided food) and being so small there was good communication and not everything had to be labeled. That's still an option for us I think so I'm definitely debating switching back

Reading some of the responses in here has been surprising to me because it seems this stuff are things others are familiar with. I am not. So, I just want to say that not all centers are like this. My daughter is at a private daycare center and has been since three months. No excessive labeling, no food rules, etc. If a teacher made a note in an app, they would 100% know who/what it was about. The teacher would probably seek me out at pick up to discuss it. They would ask if I wanted food warmed but I always said no because hassle and they nodded knowingly.

The stuff I got notes home about was dirty lunchboxes, bring shoes, bring socks, please have an extra hat. Stuff like that.

Are you able to go inside and chat with the teachers? Even in these covid times, I talk to her teachers at drop off and pick up. Hell, I know all the kids in her room and talk to them.

I’m sorry this going on. I would be stressed by all this. I hope it gets easier!

[jennistarr1]

THANK YOU THANK YOU...I feel a lot better just with your responses

[sandandsea]

I’m sorry, they seem a bit too restrictive and you seem perfectly reasonable IMHO. I would ask “why?” (In a nice way) when they send that to see if it’s a legitimate reason like the shredded cheese ends up all over the floor or the child is refusing to eat cold chicken. If it’s not reasonable, I might just ignore it or bring it up with the site director as you’re trying to make lunch easy for them.

[sandandsea]

Jul 21, 2021 13:57:24 GMT -5 outnumbered said:

Jul 21, 2021 13:28:25 GMT -5 icedcoffee said:

This would annoy me too so I don't think you're being too sensitive, but knowing that it bothers you can your H be point of contact for a while?

I feel you. I once sent my kid with mac and cheese with hot dogs in it and they sent home the hot dog pieces with a note that it's a choking hazard and they refused to serve them. I was...not pleased. Same happened with grapes that I cut into halves and not quarters.

I do think your daycare sounds like they are a little extra. I'm sorry you're overwhelmed.

They were probably complying with state liscensing requirements.

Right but can’t they just cut up the hot dog more on the first offense, notify the parent, the. Refuse to serve it the second time? I mean there are ways to fix this error.