Mooks who live near family

[expectantsteelerfan]

If you have older kids and live near family, what do you do for birthdays for your kids?

When my kids were little, we invited family to whatever party we were having for the kids.  

As they got older and had friend drop-off parties, sometimes we told grandparents they were welcome to come, and sometimes we did separate family parties, but more often than not we would just do a super casual get together with grandparents at the dessert place of birthday kid's choice.

Ds's birthday is coming up, and I invited the grandparents over for lunch and dessert at our new house (we have a nice patio so we will eat outside), but I'm getting some passive aggressive grief from MIL about inviting dh's sister and her family since they recently moved to town too.  I wouldn't mind inviting them, but I feel like it's a slippery slope from inviting them to hosting a full-on family party and feeling obligated to invite everyone.  Dh has a HUGE extended family that is all mostly in-town, where as I have my mom (and her neighbor who is like her partner and an honorary grandparent) and my dad and that's it.  My brother and his family are states away. 

I get that family want to see the birthday kid and help them celebrate, but I thought just doing grandparents only for a casual celebration was good.  Now I'm 2nd guessing myself.  So I'm curious what other people do!

[ellipses84]

We don’t live near a ton of family anymore but when we did, we’d have a family dinner once a month and celebrate the gift giving holidays / bdays at one time. So, Father’s Day and June Bdays, if the date that works for everyone falls near the end of the month, maybe we include the early July bdays, too. Sometimes we do two separate events in December for bday vs. holiday.

ETA: Most of the times my mom hosts but she has a big house and likes to cook. Sometimes my sister hosts because she is nearby and they are both central to everyone else. The email could be as simple as Taco Tuesday or bbq burgers and hot dogs, with each person bringing part of the meal, potluck style, so it’s a not a huge burden on everyone. Just family dinner, a dessert (not always cake) and a time to give gifts.

[IrishBelle]

Once our kids were in school and had friend parties, we stopped with the family parties. We do what you are suggesting and have my parents for dinner and cake but don't host other local family. My siblings and BILs/SILs do the same for our nieces and nephews.

[tarajane]

We invite the local immediate family so my and Hs sisters, brothers, kids along with our parents. A few parties we've also done our local extended family mostly as an excuse to get together.

We also go to my nephew's and niece's parties and we like celebrating with them.

This year for DS1s 8th birthday we might do a friends sports thing on the weekend and pizza with family on his bday.

[maudefindlay]

Similar circumstance and I had issues in the past with my late MIL over this. My side of the family is 6 people vs DH's side is 20 (immediate family). I remember when we moved into our house and invited grandparents over and MIL asked if SIL could come. I told her I would have her over another time. MIL also complained when we were in our tiny starter home and I'd have my parents and brother and SIL over for a holiday, but not DH's side that was 20 people half of whom were kids (DH is the youngest of his siblings). I set a precedent of not letting her dictate who I invited to my house and held firm. I know one time she tried to tell us her mother was staying at our house, this was years ago when I still worked outside the home and that would mean GIL would be in our house while we were at work and both SILs who were local were SAH then and would all likely be over chilling at our home while we were both at work. Made no sense and I told her so.

[af1212]

My mom is the only one nearby and she comes to the kid/friend bday party and she also has us over for dinner sometime near the kid’s bday to celebrate. I do not have any other nearby family.

However as a kid I grew up in a town where most people had extended family in town and I did not. I was always so envious of them with their family get togethers. I wish I could have that for my kids but I do not.

If I was in your position, I think I would start trying to be as casual as you can be so that you can invite aunts, uncles, cousins and grandparents. I don’t think anyone is necessary beyond those people.

Hey everyone - popsicles next Friday at 7:30 in the backyard and we’ll sing happy bday to Johnny!

Or - were having cupcakes on Sunday afternoon at 2. Hope you can come and sing happy bday with us.

Keep it low key so you’re not providing a ton of food and activities but something manageable where they can all come.

I would have LOVED that as a kid.

[madringal]

We usually just have my inlaws over for dinner on the night of their actual birthday.

For my family, usually we have one "birthday party" a month for anyone that is celebrating a birthday. Nothing special, either me or one of my sisters just has over one over for dinner and cake/ice cream.

[ssmjlm]

My family is small, so we would probably extend the invite to BIL for the just the family dinner. I keep things casual though because I don't really care what my IL's think.

That said, I feel the need to have a family get together because otherwise they forget my kid has a birthday. MIL complained because my sister died a week before my kid's birthday and was upset I didn't plan anything outside of the friend party that I was scrambling to not screw up while grieving my sister. FIL and BIL didn't acknowledge her birthday at all that year.

[hocus2]

Does your DH have only one in-town sibling? I would just invite them if that is the case. Yes I know there are weird dynamics in some families where you have to invite everyone but a sibling vs cousin/aunt/etc seems like an easy rule of thumb.

[firedancer10288]

Our parents always came to kid birthday parties and nephews are always invited (they are all close in age). Now that we’re in teenage years most of the parties have become sleepovers with friends, so we still invite family over for dinner/cake on her actual birthday.

I come from a large family. Growing up we always had 2 birthday parties. A party with friends of our choosing and another family party at home with grandparents, aunts/uncles, and cousins.

[mysteriouswife]

You don’t want to know. 😂

We do a huge party. DD’s first birthday was 70 or so. DS’s 4th (pre-covid) was at least 50. I am one of 23 grands on my mom’s side. H has small families on both sides. If we invite the great-aunts and uncles it gets crazy. Holidays are always here too. 2019 thanksgiving was about 60


This year DD will be 14. She is having a friends party and we will have a family dinner the night before. It will be grandparents, my brother’s family and younger brother. Both H and I come from divorced parents. So it gets big quick. It will be 13-15 people depending on SO’s coming. H only has his mom here. FIL and SIL live out of state.

[mommin]

We usually get together at an ice cream shop that is a family favorite. We’ll meet on the weekend before or after a birthday, end of the school year, or other celebration.
We try to get together once a month for dinner on a Sunday night and have used this time for some of the celebrations but ice cream is our most common option. Meeting at the ice cream shop makes it easier to let the family and birthday kid have a little more direct attention and we aren’t worried about entertaining family during a birthday party.

ETA- we know ahead of time who will be there so we can make sure to have enough seats but everyone pays for their own food. I wouldn’t go this route if you were expected to pay for everyone.

[mokes]

I have 0 kids so I shouldn't have clicked but here I am lol. It just seemed so much like my in-laws I had to respond haha.

This is the sort of thing my MIL would say on my behalf and I'd be all "what? No, I don't want to go eat cake for nephew's bday!" I feel like no one but parents and grandparents actually want to go to this sort of thing. And then sister-in-law is going to have to invite you for her kids, and you won't want to go to that. lol. Just keep as is.

[jinkies]

We include our siblings/the kid's cousins, but each of us only have 1 sibling, and my kids only have 2 cousins total.

[InBetweenDays]

We usually have the friend party (without extended family), and then on their actual birthday (or close to it) we'll do dinner with nearby family. Always consists of my parents, and sometimes my sister and her family.

[186momx]

The last few years my mom has our family over and lets DD pick out what she wants to eat and we have cake. That would be 6 people. DH's family isn't local and doesn't celebrate holidays/birthdays so there is nothing.

I would invite who your kid wants and no one else.

[laurack]

I’d invite everyone but keep it super casual like a previous poster said. Literally just cupcakes or popsicles or something that requires no prep or cleanup and lends itself well to people leaving after an hour or so.

I would only seek “availability” info before choosing the date from the most important participants, maybe that’s the grandparents. Then I’d just say “this is the date and time join us for a cupcake if you can!”

[skidunks]

We have my parents, sister and BIL within an hour of us. We always do a family party at my parents since they are on the lake and many times we just have the boys bring a friend up on saturday, stay the night and then do the family party on Sunday. It MIL ever moves here she would be invited too but for right now it’s pretty easy and not huge.

[arielroux]

When I was a kid we had major family parties, but that's because my birthday, along with my brother's, dad's and grandmother's birthdays are all within the same week. We'd have one big party for all of us and grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins from both sides of the family would come. I LOVED IT! But also it was an excuse to have a party, and with summer birthdays and a pool, it just made sense to have everyone over for a fun day.

As we got older (meaning teenagers) it downsized to just the grandparents (and sometimes aunts/uncles if they were available) coming over for cake/ice cream on the birthday weekend.

Do what's best for you, and do not be pressured into inviting or not inviting people. Your house, your kid's birthday, your decision.

[nicolewi]

Birthdays are a huge deal in DH's family and they have a tradition of big family parties. This was not the case at all on my side. So far, my kids are 6 to 12, and we have had family parties pretty much always. If we have a friend party, which isn't every year, that is separate and additional. Also, due to the 2 December and 2 Jan bdays mentioned below, sometimes the friend parties are held way late b/c it's just too busy over the holidays (AND b/c we have the family party taking up a day!).

I usually (pre-Covid) have one family party in mid-December for my two Dec. bday kids, and one in January for my 2 January bday kids. Cousins have bdays in November and February, too. Lots of parties. Sometimes we've been able to combine with extra cousins and cut down on total # of parties.

These parties include grandparents, aunts/uncles/cousins, and sometimes a few of the single great-aunts. Often it's dinner at our house, followed by cake and gifts, and then the adults hang out and have drinks, and the kids run around and play.

I have often rolled my eyes about these parties and I do think it's somewhat over the top when they have a friend AND family party, but the kids really do love it. As they get older, it's more fun b/c they can run around and play. I also can see now that they will have great memories of these parties. To my own surprise, I kind of missed having the December party this year. Usually the house is all decorated so it's almost like an early Christmas party/open house, and everything looks super festive.

[expectantsteelerfan]

Jul 21, 2021 15:43:32 GMT -5 hocus2 said:

Does your DH have only one in-town sibling? I would just invite them if that is the case. Yes I know there are weird dynamics in some families where you have to invite everyone but a sibling vs cousin/aunt/etc seems like an easy rule of thumb.

He has a brother whose family of 4 lives about 40 minutes away, which is the main complication.  I feel like if we invite dh's sister and her family, we have to invite dh's brother's family, and at that point if we are inviting them to come somewhere 40 minutes away I feel like I have to make it for more than just cupcakes.

[expectantsteelerfan]

Jul 21, 2021 15:53:44 GMT -5 jinkies said:

We include our siblings/the kid's cousins, but each of us only have 1 sibling, and my kids only have 2 cousins total.

The cousins are much younger in age.  Ds is turning 12, and BIL's kids are 4 and almost 1, and SIL's baby is not yet 6 months.  

BIL's family has invited us for each of the 4 year old's bdays so far, but they have been full-on family parties, not just a casual get together like I'd prefer, and that's because she is so young they aren't having friend parties yet.  

[Gwen]

I think there is a big difference between inviting grandparents and aunts/uncles as opposed to inviting cousins and/or the ‘whole family’.

Invite who you want but you aren’t wrong for saying you are not having a ‘family party’ with everyone involved just because H’s sister is included.

[mambo123]

I wouldn’t do it, you provided enough details that this is clearly a slippery slope, all sorts of siblings and other family members. Keep it small as you have intended and tell your H to let his mom know the deal!

[DarcyLongfellow]

With a huge local extended family, I'd keep it to either just grandparents or I'd do what PP suggested and have a super casual invite to the general masses for popsicles or cupcakes.

For us, we invite everyone for everything. But "everyone" means the 4 of us, my parents, DH's parents, then DH's younger brother's family (4 total). So 12 people total - 8 adults and 4 kids. For the kids, we have a family party (usually on the actual birthday) with everyone plus a separate friend party (which grandparents are invited to, and usually, but not always, attend). Actually, we also invite the cousins to the friend party, but they're much younger, so they don't come.

Over the past couple of years we no longer do all 12 of us for all the grandparents' birthdays. And BIL and SIL sometimes go rogue and do their own thing, but thankfully everyone is pretty chill and no one gets their feelings hurt.

[erbear]

We invite grandparents for a family party or dinner. They don’t really want to come to the slumber parties

[Wines Not Whines]

We have a family dinner where we invite the grandparents and one local aunt and uncle. We don’t have other local family, but we’d invite our siblings if they were local.

[gibbinator]

We usually have my ILs and my mom come at some point on/around the birthday day to drop-off gifts and do a short visit with cake. Nothing particularly planned or formal, although sometimes we end up going to a restaurant or getting take-outm. Sometimes ILs invite us to their house for a birthday dinner. Usually the kids' uncle (dh's brother) & his gf join as well unless he's working or on call.

If you do invite SIL family I don't think it's weird not to invite the BIL family. I have my aunt who lives 5km away from me over way more often than my aunt and aunt&uncle who live 40km away. It's just the way it is when you live really local. I think if your dh is close or not with your SIL that would sway my opinion too.

[twinmomma]

I always offer to the grandparents and my siblings that they're welcome to come crash the friend/kid party when it's at a place that I don't have to pay for a headcount. If I have to pay for headcount, I usually just tell them all that I wish I could invite them, but I have to pay per person so we're only inviting friends. None of them have ever cared and usually they all decline because they don't want to be at a party full of a million kids.

We end up just doing one-off things to "celebrate" with them afterwards. For example, this year, we met up with my ex-inlaws for ice cream in town one night and they gave the girls their presents at that point. They saw my parents a week later for a cookout we were having anyway. My siblings just swing by to drop off gifts and say hi. There's no separate official celebration if they don't come to the actual party I'm throwing.

[gerberdaisy]

We invite all immediate family, so parents, siblings and their kids. For DS's birthday a couple weeks ago my parents invited one of his brothers, since they were in from out of town. Usually for kids birthdays we aren't invited to my cousin's kids partys (there are a lot of us too), but for major ones, like first birthday, its often a big party.

As kids get older I think the extended family drops off, and its just a big family dinner and a friend party.