As I mentioned in my flying thread, DS (almost 8) is having second thoughts about going to his dads memorial service/“celebration of life” next week. He’s brought it up twice on his own now, and when I’ve asked to talk more about it, he doesn’t want to.
Relevant info: I told him (and have from the beginning) that whatever he decides is ok, that remembering his dad doesn’t depend on us going. If he wants to change his mind, that’s ok; there’s no wrong choice as long as he feels ok with it.
I’m not comfortable forcing him to go if he says he doesn’t want to go.
It’s not an actual funeral, they didn’t have one (we have some of his ashes and already did something with some of them ourselves, and his immediate family spread the rest already; we weren’t invited).
We already have plane tickets, just for the two of us. We fly in and out the same day, but we leave at 5a and get back at midnight.
He hasn’t seen his dads family in almost 4 years, with the exception of seeing 2 uncles for 30min when they were here cleaning out his apartment.
XH has long had a volatile/off and on relationship with most of his family, and had mentioned (to me) thinking about cutting people off again shortly before he died. I’m trying to approach everything by considering what I think he’d want (as much as that’s possible), too. Of his 2 closest siblings, one is not going and the other only going because we are. I suspect if we cancel she will too.
I’m trying to keep my baggage and nerves out of this, but I truly truly don’t know how hard or how much to push him. I don’t think regret is a major concern at his age, but I want him to feel comfortable with his decision. I don’t love throwing the money away, but I’d rather do that than have him miserable.
Thoughts? Suggestions? I was going to try and have him make a pro/con list, and try to get him to talk about what’s concerning him all of a sudden (any time I asked prior he said he still wanted to go).
I wonder if you could plan to go no matter what, but have a backup plan for something else to do when you get to the destination? I have no idea if that’s feasible but a hike, visit to a park, scenic drive, etc maybe?
This way he can definitely go but still feel like he has an out if it’s too much?
I know it’s costly but it sounds like the money is spent already.
Post by goldengirlz on Jul 23, 2021 12:39:18 GMT -5
I’m sorry for your loss.
Do either of you have a therapist? This seems like exactly the sort of question I’d ask mine.
Also, did your DS say WHY he no longer wants to go? With my DD, often the reasons behind her decisions are not the reasons I was expecting. If you can get to his “why,” rather than just the go/don’t go decision, I think the next steps might be clearer.
ETA: Re: Kids shutting down, I find that my kid will tend to open up to me in the car or right before bed, in the dark. Maybe there’s something about not seeing me that makes her more comfortable; I don’t know.
Post by fivechickens on Jul 23, 2021 12:41:05 GMT -5
I would reiterate that whatever he decides is what you all will do. There are no right or wrong decisions here. I think you’re right, in that, him not going is not going to negatively impact his life.
You had a memorial for his dad so this is really to appease his dad’s family who don’t seem very appeasable (from what you’ve wrote in the past).
Does either of you have a therapist? This seems like exactly the sort of question I’d ask mine.
Also, did your DS say WHY he no longer wants to go? With my DD, often the reasons behind her decisions are not the reasons I was expecting. If you can get to his “why,” rather than just the go/don’t go decision, I think the next steps might be clearer.
My therapist and I talked about it at my appointment earlier this week and I said my gut instinct was if he had second thoughts it would be that morning or the night before. 🙃 So I obviously missed the bus on that one. I really wasn’t expecting this because I had checked in so many times previously and he was completely ok with it. The therapist I scheduled him with has said twice now he doesn’t need to be seen (yet?) and we were supposed to check in again next week after this.
He’s not said why, and hasn’t been willing to talk more when I’ve asked. I asked my mom if she’d maybe come over later and try and talk to him if I’m unsuccessful again later when I try.
Post by ellipses84 on Jul 23, 2021 12:48:56 GMT -5
That is so hard. I normally think kids that age shouldn’t have the full weight of decisions like that but he is the only one who really can decide in this case. I would encourage going because the tickets are already purchased and it can be good for closure just to hear other people’s stories about his dad in a memorial setting and I don’t think he’ll regret going in the long run. However, I would let him know he can change his mind at any point, after you’ve arrived or leave at any time during the memorial. I have been at a casual family memorial where nobody got along with the deceased and the reminiscing got a little toxic to the point of DH taking the kids and walking out, because it was inappropriate for a memorial and we didn’t need the kids hearing that. It was more like family therapy for everyone else. Is there anything else you could do there that is fun or would honor his dad (like go to a park he loved as a kid or drive by an old house)?
Try to pinpoint what is bothering him the most. Flying / seeing relatives with Covid risk? Seeing unfamiliar / toxic relatives? Having to talk about his dad? Putting a burden on you to do this trip with him? Something he’s missing out on at home? Having such a long travel day? Hopefully then you can ease his mind about his worries.
It seems obvious to me, your DS is now actually realizing what it will be like having to spend time with these people he doesn't have a relationship with. I'd be dreading that situation at any age, but it's an awful lot of pressure for a 7 year old, considering it isn't an actual funeral (it would seem more obligatory to me if it were). It'd be one thing if he was a teenager or older, they're old enough to understand faking your way through niceties.
The truth is, if I were in your situation I'd be seriously considering cancelling going. I know you've left it up to your DS but that's kind of a 'big' decision for a 7 year old. What I would probably do is tell DS that I'm thinking of just cancelling the trip, and asking what he thinks about that.
It might just be nerves, but I would personally probably still err on the side of not going. Since you aren't close with your ex's family, and this isn't even a funeral, it doesn't sound like there's a huge possibility of future regret about not going. If he does need more closure at a later date, you can take him for a visit then, or memorialize your ex in another way with just the two of you.
It's a tough decision, made tougher by his refusal to talk about it. If you make him go, will be he glad he went? It's impossible to say. But if you're wondering whether it will harm him to let him skip, I'd say no.
What I would probably do is tell DS that I'm thinking of just cancelling the trip, and asking what he thinks about that.
That's actually a really good idea. He might not be able to verbalize the "why" of his feelings, but ste if you say "ok, let's cancel," he'll either be like "yes, thank you" or "well maybe we can still go." Hopefully that will spark some conversation that can help you feel more sure about the decision either way.
What I would probably do is tell DS that I'm thinking of just cancelling the trip, and asking what he thinks about that.
That's actually a really good idea. He might not be able to verbalize the "why" of his feelings, but ste if you say "ok, let's cancel," he'll either be like "yes, thank you" or "well maybe we can still go." Hopefully that will spark some conversation that can help you feel more sure about the decision either way.
I think I’ll try this if my mom doesn’t have any luck. They’re really close, so I know he’ll be comfortable talking to her. If he still doesn’t have an explanation, this seems like a good option.
I did worry that this was too heavy of a decision for him, but he had so little control over everything else it felt important to give him SOMETHING to decide? Idk. I have been questioning whether it’s appropriate or not though.
I texted xMIL yesterday (before it even came up a second time) just giving her a heads up of sorts that he was having second thoughts. When she finally responded 12+ hours later she said something about how I’m his mom and she knows I’ll make the right decision for him. 🙄 Definitely not helpful rn.
Post by liverandonions on Jul 23, 2021 13:18:02 GMT -5
I agree with af1212, I would plan to go to the destination and have a backup plan in case he changes his mind that day. If you don't fly there and he decides last minute he wants to go, then you're completely unable to.
I understand and appreciate why you want to leave the decision entirely up to him, but I'm trying to imagine my 7.5 year old making this decision by himself. I don't think he could. Unless he could really articulate why he doesn't want to go, I would tell him that we're going to make the trip, but we don't have to spend the entire time with the family. Have a back up plan to do a fun activity before the flight home.
I think in this case I would go. I’m sure it is nerves and that’s a totally normal feeling. It may also be that the weight of his dad’s death is hitting him again.
I’d give him strategies for dealing with feeling anxious but ultimately I’d go.
I don’t think the back up plan has to be grand. A playground near the memorial site.
I don’t make much of a distinction between memorial and funeral services. I’ve never attended a true funeral - memorial services are the norm among people I know despite different cultural backgrounds. Even when ashes are buried as part of the ceremony it’s still been labeled as a memorial.
I'd pick a fun spot for lunch, a playground, and a store to buy a new toy/book for the flight home. Any of those could be eliminated if the day plan changes and they should be generic enough to google the area you'll be near.
What are you hoping he will gain from attending the service? Closure? Seeing a special loved one? Hearing nice stories about his dad from other people? Do you just not want him to look back in a few years and regret that he wasn’t there, even if the experience won’t be a great one?
If it’s nerves or sadness that’s making him hesitant, then I’ll ditto those who suggest going on the trip but researching some local things to do in case he gets there and decides not to go.
If he is viewing it as a stressful event with toxic people, then I’d either cancel outright, or just tell the family you’re not going and then make a plan for something enjoyable to do in town if you absolutely don’t want to waste the money on the tickets.
Now I’m paralyzed considering the wrath of my xILs finding out we were in the same town and decided to not see them. It will come out eventually, most likely innocently from DS.
Post by cricketwife on Jul 23, 2021 14:10:29 GMT -5
I know you want to let him decide, and it’s hard to say what I would do in your shoes, since I haven’t walked through this. What I can say is that no one wants to go to a memorial/funeral and at his age, he probably has very little experience about what to expect. I do think this is one of those things where there’s a much larger risk of regretting NOT going, than regretting going, I would encourage him to go, leave early if you have to, but go. I also like the idea of a backup plan. And I know you are already pouring all kinds of money into this one day, but would a rental car give you more flexibility and/or peace of mind? If nothing else, it could serve as a private space to retreat to, if needed.
Fwiw, I’m sorry to make this about me, but it’s the only way to know how to give relevant advice. I did not attend my grandmother’s funeral. At the time, I was in college, it was (to us) a lot of money to fly me home and my mom’s opinion was “you saw her less than two months ago at Christmas when she was alive and what does it matter now that she’s gone?” And so I didn’t go. I have regretted it for the 20 years since. I really feel he may grow up to regret missing this. I know it’s a different situation. I’m sorry you are having to figure this out and I hope the best option for you and your son becomes clear to you,
Honestly, I’d cancel and stay home. The extended family sounds difficult and why stress him out? It’s an awkward situation but I’m not seeing a lot of upsides to going TBH.
It’s not even a funeral and even if it was, I don’t think that is reason enough to go. It sounds like an exhausting, long, stressful day to me.
I’d just do something special where you are.
I don’t regret not going to my great aunt’s (she was like a grandmother to me) funeral when I was a kid when I had the choice; I much prefer remembering her alive. And that was an actual funeral with people I liked attending.
I'm happy to help. You could take the light rail to Union Station. There are fun splash pads right there and some good restaurants. The Children's Museum is also really close. I live right in this area too, so LMK if you need anything.
I took out the day part because that's personal and doesn't really matter.
What are you hoping he will gain from attending the service? Closure? Seeing a special loved one? Hearing nice stories about his dad from other people? Do you just not want him to look back in a few years and regret that he wasn’t there, even if the experience won’t be a great one?
If it’s nerves or sadness that’s making him hesitant, then I’ll ditto those who suggest going on the trip but researching some local things to do in case he gets there and decides not to go.
If he is viewing it as a stressful event with toxic people, then I’d either cancel outright, or just tell the family you’re not going and then make a plan for something enjoyable to do in town if you absolutely don’t want to waste the money on the tickets.
Honestly, I have no idea. The guidance counselor at school, the therapist for him I’ve been talking to, my therapist and everyone else who’s experienced child trauma of similar nature has said it’s important to give him opportunities to make decisions and have some control, and specifically mentioned things like attending funerals or services. When it first happened, DS asked if there was going to be a funeral (he’s been to 2 of my grandparents funerals so is familiar), and I said I didn’t think so. They when they said there was going to be this service, he immediately said yes he wanted to go. We talked a lot about it, and I fully admit I tried to talk him out of it. But he was sure he wanted to go. When I specifically asked why, he said he wanted to see his dads friends (although there won’t be any there that he knows, or may very slightly remember. None of his friends from where we live now who DS knows will be there). We talked about it a LOT before I bought the tickets.
If it were entirely up to me, we’d never see or speak to 99.9% of these people ever again. But I've been trying really hard to remove my baggage from the equation and give everyone a chance to do the right thing by DS.
I am not a mom so take me with a grain of salt. But, I think I'd just cancel if he doesn't seem like he wants to go. Or make the decision the night before. The way the flights are set up, that is going to be a long, stressful day no matter what. He's going to have to get up at what, 2am to get to the airport in time for a 5am flight? So he's going to show up tired, have to interact with a bunch of people he barely knows and who have shown they don't have his best interest at heart, then he's going to have to go straight back to the airport and do the whole airport/flight thing all over again. You said it's like a 6 hour flight, right? That is a LONG day.
I just can't really picture any scenario where he is going to have a positive feeling about all of this on that day. I am an adult and I think I'd have a meltdown doing all that. A 7 year old isn't going to have the same emotional attachment to a memorial service as an adult would, either. I feel like it's unlikely that he will get much of anything out of this experience.
Which day? I'm happy to help. You could take the light rail to Union Station. There are fun splash pads right there and some good restaurants. The Children's Museum is also really close. I live right in this area too, so LMK if you need anything.
Thank you ❤️
poof
And someone mentioned renting a car - I haven’t at DIA in years, but from what I remember we’d basically have to add an hour on either end to ensure we have time to get out to the rental car places and then to the actual terminal areas. We’re already really short on time and I was just planning on ubering. Plus I’ve read horror stories of renting cars post covid because of the rental car shortage (but admittedly didn’t look into it because of the time issue).
Post by hbomdiggity on Jul 23, 2021 14:23:24 GMT -5
I would stay home. That sounds like a long trip to just spend a few hours/eat lunch in a different city.
It doesn’t sound like there is much to gain from going to the actual event other than appeasing xILs which XH wasn’t even too fond of himself.
I like the suggestion of telling DS you are thinking of cancelling. He may be afraid to say cancel but if you put it out there it may be easier for him to agree.
ste- There's the Platte River to splash around in too. As well as Little Man Ice Cream within walking distance. It's a fun, tourist experience. I'll stop offering ideas because I don't want to overwhelm with more options. If it's helpful to him to know that even once you land, that he can change his mind and there's something else to do, I'll help anyway I can.
ste- We have carshare companies downtown but that wouldn't help with the arrival time and getting to Boulder. When I used to live in Boulder, I took the bus to/from DIA. It picks up right outside the terminal and is great during rush hour because of the bus lanes on the freeways so it was quicker than driving a lot of the time. Light rail is also right there if you decide to do Denver instead. In Boulder, you could go to the Dunshabe Tea House. Wandering around CU is always nice. If you somehow got a car, there's the Carousel of Happiness in Nederland.
Post by pizzaandtulips on Jul 23, 2021 14:47:54 GMT -5
I would go, and have a low-key back up plan like others have mentioned.
I know you said you've continued to check in with him about his decision, but in doing so, is it possible that he is picking up on the idea that YOU don't want to go? (and you have very valid reasons for not wanting to go; I don't want to dismiss that.) I just know that with my own kids, if I ask "Are you sure?" enough times, they start to doubt their own decisions, and will often just change their minds without necessarily being able to articulate why. I think it's great that you are giving him options, but I would err on the side that says he might later in life regret not going, and I would go. If he seems especially stressed on the day, I think it would be ok to do your own thing/back up plan.
I don't think you should go to appease your xILs. Would removing them as one of the deciding factors help you move forward? I lean toward not going. It sounds like that's what's best for you and your son. It's undue added stress in an already stressful situation. I'm sorry to both of you for your loss.