At those ages, I’d go home. Since that’s ultimately your plan and you have a lot of support there. From what you wrote, I’d rather my kids go to school with the masks full time than without. Your kids will be fine. I have close friends who grew up this way with their dad working out of state. Anecdote, but they are well adjusted adults. We did this for about 6 months also with my dad coming home on the weekends until we all could move to him. We were 14 and 7.
Thinking about people’s responses and your updates more. I like to weigh decisions with best and worst case scenarios, obviously not being able to predict the future or prevent all bad things. How would you feel if you were separated and still contracted Covid? Would you regret the separation? With the state of things in SC and Delta spiking there, you may have better medical care in IL, so maybe that is still the best case scenario.
If you are both totally on board with you and the kids going back to IL, have more family support, safer schools, safer hospitals, and can keep a good connection (even if trips are cancelled and happen less frequently due to circumstance) that may be the least stressful option.
I know lots of GC families who have done similar for a couple years at a time and it’s manageable, especially if you are a SAHM. For a couple years I had to travel from west coast to east coast once a month. It was not ideal, but in order to minimize the time away from family, I would often take the Sunday night red-eye and go straight to work from there very early in the morning, work a 10+ hour day and go to bed early that night (which was easy because there were no family needs to tend to).
I am also of the belief that soon, masks will be mandated for K-12 nationwide (or close to it). I definitely hope that comes to fruition.
Personally, I probably wouldn't separate my family due to concerns about my under 10 kids getting COVID. I think there are some real, definite downsides to being separated as a family for a long period of time. I know there are lots of unknowns with COVID, but I look at the risk of healthy, not obese, Caucasian (in my case, this may not apply to you - unfortunately there are real racial disparities for COVID) kids under 10, and it does seem like those risks are similar to the flu for those kids. This is also assuming the adults involved are vaccinated and didn't have any particular health concerns. I would totally not fault you at all for deciding to go back to Illinois - everyone has a different situation and risk tolerance. I'm only sharing this perspective because you said "tell me if you would do this." This is a very tough decision - good luck!
I’m in Florida so that colors my response. I would go home to IL. It isn’t ideal—but none of this is ideal.
I thought I had never been the solo parent for long, but once I got to thinking about it, I realized I was during the last “crisis” in my life for a few months. Immediately after our area was hit by a hurricane, my husband had to travel for work every week (so he was home about EO weekend and a week here and there). I was in our hometown dealing with the kids and working. We had family nearby we leaned on (which was great because my school started 15 minutes earlier than pre-hurricane to make up time and my kids’ was on normal schedule. I would have been late every day). It sucked—but we made it work.
From your responses, I would go to IL. You have a support system, you are comfortable with the school precautions, and your children know the area. Commit to the school year and you can change course if needed (as I said—not ideal, but nothing is ideal). When I am stuck like this, I commit to making a “good enough” decision.
I am beyond stressed about all of this mess in the world so I am sympathetic to others who are also.
I don't think there is a "wrong" decision here, but I will validate you that going back to IL is a good one! I think if I had kids, I would feel safer having them in schools with masks, even though there is probably risk no matter what and always a chance that everything would be fine in SC, too. I feel like the day to day weekday stuff is so busy during the school year that your H won't be missing out on that much quality time with the kids anyway, if you will see him frequently on weekends.
I do think it would be hard to be separated from my spouse - my H and I definitely do most things together and I think living apart would be really hard on our relationship. But since you both are on board and both know it is temporary, I think it could be a hard but doable thing.
Honestly I had the fleeting thought today that my sister should send her 2nd grader up here to live with us this year since we have a lower COVID rate and masks will be required, but obviously she isn't going to want to be separated from her kid for a year. But COVID is scary and I feel very nervous/angry that some states are playing politics with kids' lives.
Post by amberlyrose on Aug 5, 2021 15:55:16 GMT -5
I'm a military spouse with no kids, so I can only speak to the distance part. I agree with almost everyone in saying there isn't a wrong decision. So many things can happen with either that it is too hard to predict. That doesn't mean you shouldn't plan for worst case scenarios. I'd personally want a plan to overcome if one of you were sick/hurt and the other couldn't get there right away. Would he have a support system from work? Could he leave to be there for you guys? What happens if he's exposed on his trip and is stuck in IL and can't get back to work?
DH was gone for 6 months overseas this year, most of that pre-vaccine. Not going to lie- it was scary being apart. I worried constantly about one of us getting sick and the other not being able to be there right away. I stayed with my family for 4 months of it, so that did help but the worry was always there. He had an exposure scare and the countdown while he was in quarantine was awful. I would not have chosen to be apart but it comes with the job, unfortunately. I didn't have kids or education to consider, though.
I am also of the belief that soon, masks will be mandated for K-12 nationwide (or close to it). I definitely hope that comes to fruition.
Personally, I probably wouldn't separate my family due to concerns about my under 10 kids getting COVID. I think there are some real, definite downsides to being separated as a family for a long period of time. I know there are lots of unknowns with COVID, but I look at the risk of healthy, not obese, Caucasian (in my case, this may not apply to you - unfortunately there are real racial disparities for COVID) kids under 10, and it does seem like those risks are similar to the flu for those kids. This is also assuming the adults involved are vaccinated and didn't have any particular health concerns. I would totally not fault you at all for deciding to go back to Illinois - everyone has a different situation and risk tolerance. I'm only sharing this perspective because you said "tell me if you would do this." This is a very tough decision - good luck!
I don’t think there is a mechanism in our government to require masks federally. I wish there was. I hope I’m misinformed.
H and I did it for 1.5 years cross-country. I would say if you do it, don't let it go over 1 year. It was a significant strain on our marriage, and adjusting to living together again wasn't easy. With kids I think it would be even more challenging.
Signed, Someone who grew up in SC and lives in MO.
*Everyone has made really good points, but for me it comes down to: - It would be a short term separation from your H, and you’ll still get to see him throughout - Your support system is in IL - The continuity of school/home for your kids will probably be better long term. - I can’t even with MO right now, and don’t even know if I want to visit my parents in SC in the fall with this whole shitshow. - Having grown up very near the area you’re in now, I wouldn’t expect a lot of compliance even if they could get a mask mandate in place.
af1212 you may be right that it can't be mandated federally - but it seems like a lot of school systems would like to require masks but can't because of misguided state governors. I guess my hope is that those governors eventually move on to some other topic and "get out of the way" as Biden says - even if it's just because outbreaks wreak havoc on schools' ability to stay open/local economies - and allow districts to set their own rules. Hopefully that would help in many places.
af1212 you may be right that it can't be mandated federally - but it seems like a lot of school systems would like to require masks but can't because of misguided state governors. I guess my hope is that those governors eventually move on to some other topic and "get out of the way" as Biden says - even if it's just because outbreaks wreak havoc on schools' ability to stay open/local economies - and allow districts to set their own rules. Hopefully that would help in many places.
I see. I live in a state where the districts are totally free to make any decision they want regarding masks. Sadly many of them are being pressured by loud, litigious parents, and will not require masks.
I was a military wife, and now my daughter is a military wife. There is a big difference between then-parenting and now-parenting, thanks in a huge part to technology.
When my daughter was born, my ex was on an aircraft carrier in the middle of the ocean and there was no contact outside of snail-mail. He *almost* didn't even receive notification of her birth (the hospital notifies deployed parents on ship-to-shore. They almost missed us for some reason, but someone from staff popped her head in accidentally so he got the message, rather than a letter from me with a photo or two of her a month or so later.)
In contrast, my son-in-law was deployed to Italy when COVID first hit. He was actually in the room with the first known COVID patient in his branch, first known in US forces in Europe and second known in the military branches, so he was quarantined from the very beginning back in January 2020, when we were getting word of our very first cases (actually where I live.) All trips to visit were cancelled, so they weren't even able to see each other for a year. They have a daughter who was in first grade and her son was a freshman in high school.
They were able to remain in contact using social media and accessing programs and apps. Facebook, Facetime, Alexa, Zoom, and family time apps that let them play games with each other and have group get-togethers (I believe we used House Party), etc. They would schedule Family Game Night weekly with parents and siblings for fun times and around-the-table-without-being-around-the-table interaction. (There are apps for that; we used House Party iirc.) They would schedule family time talk and spouse time talk. His daughter was able to call him, drop in on Alexa, or FaceTime him any time she was feeling like she missed him and wanted to talk. (Fortunately his job description at the time allowed him to take calls while at work as often as not.) My daughter was able to post on Facebook (etc.) so he could see into their daily lives and there was a journal of a sort of them growing up. He's currently deployed overseas again, and they're using the same means to remain in touch.
The hardest part is the lack of physical interaction. Not being able to hug daddy or kiss him, not being able to cuddle with your husband or just sit by each other on the sofa watching tv, but technology today allows for so much communication beyond what once was. In many ways it's actually advantageous, as my granddaughter has learned how to communicate effectively by multiple means, an is extremely social and well-adjusted because of this. My granddaughter and daughter remain extremely close with my son-in-law despite separations, and talk to him frequently - probably more than most couples/families who live together and see each other daily. (note: the grandson is a teenager and pretty much just grunts at everyone. lol.)
That you have support in IL is huge as well. My daughter lived across the country from both us and her in-laws. There were a couple times she had to go to the hospital, and didn't really have a support network in place other than a couple wonderful, amazing neighbors who stepped in at all hours when we weren't able to get there. Knocking on a neighbor's door at 3:00 a.m. to get to the hospital isn't something for the faint-of-heart.
I just wanted to put out there that it *is* possible to live separately but still be able to take advantage of ways to remain close. There will be hard times, but they can be managed - and better and more easily than in the Good Old Days.