WWYD?

[mae0111]

I will try to keep this brief…

My aunt and uncle (married couple) passed away about 2 weeks apart in the height of COVID. No wake or funeral beyond immediate family, which was difficult for me. I hadn’t seen either one in a while. My dad (his sister and brother in law) doesn’t speak to any if his siblings for a laundry list of reasons - most legitimate, some not. My mom kept in touch with his siblings until they were no longer aware of who she was (lots of dementia). I continued beyond that and keep in touch with many of my cousins.

Over the years, there have been a number of weird slights and insults. Wedding invitations getting lost (I’d get one, my parents and sisters wouldn’t, then cousins would be surprised when I was the only one to show up). “Forgetting” to invited them to a shower or christening.

The last thing was in my aunt’s obituary, all siblings and in-laws were listed EXCEPT FOR my mom. My parents have been married for almost 50 years.

They are having a memorial party and we were all invited. No one wants to go. One sister won’t travel, other sister is angry over past slights, my dad has washed his hands of everyone, and my mom, while she disagrees, is supporting my dad. I just don’t want to answer any questions.

Now my cousin wants to know why none of us are coming. I don’t really want to explain because I don’t want to taint the day. But she wants me to answer for everyone.

Would you tell her the truth? If not, can you help me come up with a clever reason for myself? I was going to go with “sorry, beginning of school, DH scheduled to travel, no idea what schedules will look like” (they needed an answer over a month out for the caterer). But that feels a little shaky.

So much drama lately that my brain is overwhelmed.

[mae0111]

That was totally not brief. Sorry.

[rere]

We have much of the same scenario with my dads side. The sisters and their families slight the brothers wives and kids. I would, if asked, answer very honestly. With my family I would relish being asked and answer when I actually am. I don't know that I would volunteer information to put a cloud on the day, but if someone asks me outright, they better expect an honest answer.

[waverly]

I was going to say something, and then I changed my mind. My thought is my parents and sibling are not my problem and it is not my responsibility to answer questions for them to long lost cousins.

So I would say, we are not attending because the kids have X that day or because of the delta variant- insert whatever reason here.

For the siblings, I would say, we have not discussed the memorial, but you are welcome to reach out to them about it.

eta- You could also blame the pandemic for the sibling that won't travel.  

But I mean, they had to know your dad was estranged from them if he literally didn't speak to them.   I'm not sure why if he was estranged, that your mom still tried with them, but maybe just so you could have a relationship with the cousins.  

[mae0111]

waverly - yeah it’s a weird situation. My mom tried to keep the bridge just in case my dad ever changed his mind. Usually he changed his mind when they were extremely ill or dying. And then something else would happen and he would isolate himself all over again.

The last actual argument was when his sister screamed at him at her DH’s wake. She said how lazy my dad was and how she had to go off and work to support the family while he just stayed home. My dad consistently worked 60-70 hours a week for his whole career…. It’s possible that there was a time that she worked and he didn’t because she’s almost 20 years older than him. So, like, he was 6 and she was in her 20’s and needed to have a job. 🤷‍♀️

The whole situation is nuts.

I did not mean to end up in the middle of all of this. I wish I didn’t do that to myself.

[tacokick]

This sounds awful and I’m sorry you are in the middle.

Honestly, I’d just blame Covid. It is such a convenient and unrelated excuse. That way you don’t have to go into any family drama.

[supertrooper1]

I don't think you are required to give a reason why you can't come. Just say that you send your regrets but won't be able to make it. And that you can only speak for your family and can't answer why your parents or siblings can't make it.

[mae0111]

supertrooper1 - yeah I didn’t give one, but then my cousin sent this long “why aren’t you coming, my mom loved you so much, did we offend in some way???”

But I’ve already told her many ways that they’ve excluded and offended. It was always turned around on us - why didn’t anyone tell me that you didn’t get invited to this event??

Who calls and asks why they weren’t invited to something???

I just took everyone’s advice and said that I couldn’t speak for anyone else, but that DH was traveling and kids are committed to things and I couldn’t guarantee that I could go, so I declined.

She has not responded. 🤷‍♀️

[mommyatty]

I think you did the right thing. The best way not to be in the middle is simply to refuse to be in the middle.

[mustardseed2007]

I agree she can ask the others and they can tell them off if they want to. You don’t have to tell them off on her behalf. But I wouldn’t want to be like - my dad is writing you off BC of the years of exclusion unless I had my dad’s permission to do that.

[ECB]

somewhere in this, your cousin knows. So, yeah, I'd leave it at "travel/covid" and let her reach out to the others.

Honestly- it sounds like your dads family pick up on slights (real or perceived) and never let go and also don't ever take responsibility (to what you said- who asks why they aren't invited? The "invitee" just needs to own it- "Im SO sorry. We didn't mean to not invite you. PLease forgive us!" and move on. But instead, they throw it back at you.

I'd keep myself out of all that as much as possible.

[livinitup]

Aug 9, 2021 17:31:55 GMT -5 mae0111 said:

supertrooper1 - yeah I didn’t give one, but then my cousin sent this long “why aren’t you coming, my mom loved you so much, did we offend in some way???”

. 🤷‍♀️

So, you have covered this many times before? Or a few times? That statement seems SO LOADED.

Because the answer is “Yes, you offended him/her/them/us in some way”. Duh. You know this, we have been over this many times. Hey look, here are the ::transcripts:: At some point you just stop it.

So, what you can do and say is “We loved your mom, too. Sorry we can’t join you. I will be thinking of your mom and her incredible life. We love you and her memory.”

Stop giving reasons or excuses. You don’t need to give reasons. “No, thank you” is a full sentence.

[mae0111]

I’m sure this all seems like a no brainer to everyone here, but I’ve been feeling terrible about all of this. These issues are years in the making. I was trying to decide if I should try to be honest and clear the air a bit, or just keep it to myself and just… have this be the end of things.

Losing my aunt was difficult, and not having a wake or funeral was difficult. I’ve been trying to keep a connection to this side of my family for years. It’s all very sad. I was just struggling with it I guess.

[mommyatty]

Aug 11, 2021 8:13:33 GMT -5 mae0111 said:

I’m sure this all seems like a no brainer to everyone here, but I’ve been feeling terrible about all of this. These issues are years in the making. I was trying to decide if I should try to be honest and clear the air a bit, or just keep it to myself and just… have this be the end of things.

Losing my aunt was difficult, and not having a wake or funeral was difficult. I’ve been trying to keep a connection to this side of my family for years. It’s all very sad. I was just struggling with it I guess.

My friend, this is hard because for you, it’s not about the brain, it’s about the heart. So yeah, for us it’s easy-peasy lemon squeezie because for us it’s about the brain. But you see all of us struggle with our own heart matters. That’s the best thing about the women on this board. We tell each other what we need to hear in a supportive manner, without judging, because we have all stood in similar situations. Hugs. You did the right thing.

[waverly]

mae0111 , is it a sign that you actually want to go? Because if you do, no one here with judge you for going to a memorial. Take all the Covid precautions and go if you need to.

If you don't truly want to go, stick to your guns.

I don't see how clearing the air would go. "We feel slighted because my mom wasn't listed on the obituary." "Oh she wasn't, so sorry, we were grieving and made a mistake. Or we sent it to the publisher that way and they didn't publish it correctly."

"We were offended we weren't invited to all your weddings and showers and christenings." "Oh you weren't? Why didn't you tell us?"

Honestly from the lack of invitations, I wouldn't presume anything terrible, but just that the families are not that close that they invite to those events.  We have some like that in our family, and they only live an hour away yet we never see them or invite them to anything and vice versa.  We just aren't in the same circle.  But these are cousins one level up (my grandfather's brother). 

[mae0111]

waverly, part of me would like to go. I loved my aunt (and my uncle too, but I was closer to my aunt).

I typed out a long response... but I don't want to go because 1. it feels disloyal to my dad; and 2. these events have become increasingly more uncomfortable for me. Lots of awkward questions and comments about my parents.

I also don't think that it will bring me peace. One thing that may seem weird to others, but there is something about a wake and a funeral that brings me closure. Seeing my aunt at a wake (almost every wake I've been to has been open casket) and being able to say goodbye in my own way... that would help. This won't.

If there hadn't been lots of crappy behavior over the years, I might go to support my cousins. But I don't think that they care if they have my support. That makes my decision easier.

[waverly]

mae0111, Yes it seems like they are lacking in some basic social skills. When you are attending a function, don't grill people with questions.

Yeah I don't think memorials bring me peace either. I've only been to a couple. It was good to see family, but I didn't feel like I got closure.

And some of the people that attended complained the entire time about stupid things like the food or the fact the focus wasn't on them.

[mommyatty]

To lighten the mood, I am going to share a straight up white trash true story about my great uncle’s memorial service. I was there for this.

First, some background. Picture the scene. Oklahoma, in the late 1980’s. My grandparents were a plumber and a housewife. My grandpa had a third grade education. My grandma had a sixth grade education. My grandma had a large large family and grew up in the hills of Arkansas. She was, literally, a hillbilly. Her youngest brother was named John because her mom literally birthed him, handed him to my grandma, said “I pick cotton faster than you, so you take the new baby and if you fix supper you can name him.” Granny liked the name John, so there it was. Two of her brothers (Chester and John) married best friends named June and Ava. I never saw one without the other, so much so that I honestly never knew which one was June and which one was Ava until this memorial service.

When Chester died, it made Ava the widow. So at this memorial service, June sat with two of my uncles, who were both in construction and deaf as posts, as was June. The entire memorial, June and my two uncles carried on a high-decibel conversation about crappy fishing and who could replace June’s toilet since it had been “backin’ up on the regular”. My cousin and I were sitting in front of them, cracking up. I was around 13 and my cousin was 16. Our moms tried to shush them, which just led to a high volume conversation about “What is Kay tryin’ to say? She never did talk clearly. I can’t hear a word ever since I had that ear infection last July…”

And thus my cousin and I have a pact that if anyone talks about fishing or toilets at our funerals, we will haunt the other one for eternity.

[mae0111]

Omg mommyatty I love it. It honestly sounds so much like my family - my mom’s side. My grandmother was one of 10, so my mom has 35 first cousins and there are 75 second cousins in my generation (just on that side. We lost track on my dad’s side). They all grew up in the city in neighborhoods where everyone knew everyone.

So many wakes and funerals have been spent shushing my totally deaf grandfather and uncle who INSISTED that they were FINE and everyone else mumbled. They were both cops, probably arresting people they grew up with.

They would talk about everyone at the funeral. They would sit in the pew during Catholic Mass speaking loudly about how they arrested that guy’s dad for racketeering, or this one is a cop but his brother has a rap sheet longer than Whitey Bulger’s, or that aunt is a pain in the @$$.

😳

But so, so amusing at the time. Even when it was someone close to me, I could rely on them to lighten the mood. 😂

[ECB]

From as much as I've gathered here - there is no way to clear the air. I think there has been a lot of petty "picking apart" of things said/ actions taken over the years, with everyone having their own version. Any attempt to clear the air is only going to muddy the waters/ make things worse.

It sucks - I get it. But I sense that there are some perceptions w/in your family that are just SO ingrained, nothing will change perspectives.