Post by undecidedowl on Aug 18, 2021 18:52:26 GMT -5
Help me not suck at parenting. It's only the second week of school and we are struggling with DS1 (9yo). Tonight, he spent over 2 hours screaming and crying about his work. He needed to write down his spelling words, correct half a worksheet, and practice piano. It's pure misery for everyone and leaves me exhausted and worthless for the rest of the night.
For context, he has ADHD and is medicated. He gets a snack and 45 minutes of playing at after care before coming home to start homework. He screams and fights every single night.
I can only suggest things you’re probably already doing:
- 15 min of homework then a 5 minute break (or 10/10, 20/5, whatever works for you).
- Don’t spend more than 40 minutes (10 min per grade). This wouldn’t include piano, but I would also set a 15-20 minute limit on that.
- Let him pick which assignment to start on.
- If it remains a struggle, talk to the teacher about it. Maybe he/she can modify so it works better for your kid (practice spelling words aloud instead of writing them out, or practice typing on a keyboard).
Post by AdaraMarie on Aug 18, 2021 19:09:26 GMT -5
Some random thoughts: too tired due to back to school and will get better on it's own? Try writing spelling words or all homework at breakfast instead of evening? Homework club at after care? Do not engage and allow natural consequences of not doing homework (are there even any)?
Homework in the morning was way easier for my kid for a while.
He is 9. What if you just didn’t do any homework? What would be the worst case scenario?
I’m generally anti homework and I cannot imagine having this battle every day. I also have a nine year old that is a perfectly average student and I have no driving desire to try to make her an overachiever (even though I was one).
Maybe tell the teacher you are skipping homework for 30 days and then you will start back with 10 minutes. Whatever doesn’t get done in 10 minutes doesn’t get done. And build up from there over time.
My DD2 was like this. Spent hours being upset about homework that would only take 20-30 minutes. Not was exhausting and not my best parenting moments. She does not have ADHD (I do however have a younger DS who has ADHD).
We used the Kazdin method behavior charts with her for a couple of months. My written positive goals were something like “will do homework without a fit” and “will start homework by 5pm.” She earned a sticker for doing it without a fit and one for starting by 5pm along with lots of specific praise. She traded the stickers in for mini hatchimals, gum, bubble baths, etc.
And we literally never had another problem with her doing her homework again. And now, several years later, she is my only kid who is self motivated to get her stuff done with absolutely no parental involvement. She’s now in 7th grade.
There’s a free class on coursera by Kazdin. I actually used Kazdin method stuff for my ADHD DS and decided to do it with DD2 for the homework stuff when I saw it working for DS. Also, parenting classes that we took for the ADHD stuff essentially were the same token economy kind of stuff, although I find the Kazdin method easier to follow to get real lasting results because of the way he recommends phrasing things.
Post by steamboat185 on Aug 18, 2021 19:39:08 GMT -5
For spelling we often practice the words in the car on the way to school or over breakfast-for some reason at night it’s a pain. I also will have DD ask Alexa how to spell them- that is way more fun for some reason. We also have a big whiteboard by the kitchen table that I write the words on Monday. Just having them visible seems to help.
Post by expectantsteelerfan on Aug 18, 2021 19:48:26 GMT -5
For my ADHD kiddo, what worked was setting the expectation that work was done as soon as he got home from school. He got home at 3:30, and I told him once his homework is done, he can have screen time (his only currency, but would work to replace with whatever your kid likes) until 5:00. So if it takes him 10 minutes to get the homework done, he gets over an hour of screen time. But if he putzes around and doesn't do it, he might not get any screen time. If it got to 5:00 and for some reason it wasn't done, we'd be done for the day and try again in the morning. Also, if I got the automated email from our grade system later that evening that he was missing assignments, I would address it in the morning (often had to make reminders for myself) instead of that night, because anything brought up in the evening lead to an argument that often deteriorated into a tantrum of epic proportions.
Post by sandandsea on Aug 18, 2021 19:48:30 GMT -5
Can he stay at aftercare and do homework there? My 9yo does significantly better with homework if someone else makes him do it.
Does he enjoy piano? I’m all for cutting extra curriculars if they don’t love them. My mom made us take piano and we all ended up hating it and haven’t had the desire to play since we finally were able to quit.
Is he over scheduled elsewhere which makes these feel more stressful for him? My 9yo boy needs downtime to chill and watch his iPad, play with friends, play outside, etc.
What is his currency? Can he earn something he likes (iPad time, robux, a movie, ice cream, etc) by doing his chores (homework, piano, showering, etc) without complaining? Maybe a week of doing everything without complaining earns the treat.
Eta. We also have 40 minutes a night for 4th grade but 20 is supposed to be reading. Ds hates homework, always has, and it’s nearly impossible for us to make him do it. We generally go with natural consequences with his teacher and losing iPad privileges for the night if until he finishes.
I would focus on what matters, and to me homework doesn't really matter. Liking school, family time and a happy kid matter. My kids' STEAM school stopped requiring spelling tests a few years ago and from what I can tell DS isn't any worse off than DD who did have all sorts of spelling homework. I'd probably top out at 30 minutes a night for a 9yo and try to not make it a battle.
I would talk to his teacher first. That can help you make decisions going forward.
And I would put a temporary hold on piano lessons (2-4 weeks) while he adjusts to the new school year. There’s a lot of talk about how kindergarteners are so tired the first few weeks of school, but the big kids have just as big of an adjustment.
1. I would drop piano 2. Can you set up a rewards system that you can stick with? 3. Can you get some help from the school to gamify spelling, so it's not just write things down/come up with sentences for them with no context? We used Wordly Wise for tutoring (I think this has gotten sucked into the Christian Homeschooling ecosystem, but it's just vocab and reading, there's not any politics in it), it seems to help to connect spelling/vocab to useful stuff like reading and writing.
I would also drop piano unless he is some kind of piano genius.
Does he have any other learning disabilities like dysgraphia that make the writing difficult? Can he type the words on the computer and print them out--maybe more fun on the computer?? My ds had to write them in different colors and a few other activities that made it more fun than just plain writing.
Does he enjoy piano? I absolutely wouldn’t take that away if he enjoys it. Music and the arts are proven to help kids with school success.
Regarding the length of homework, I agree with limiting it to a 30 minute timer (when started). Any more than that, talk with the teacher. Homework in elementary sucks and I’ve been happy to see my kids haven’t gotten more than spelling and reading over the past few years.
Post by game blouses on Aug 19, 2021 11:50:50 GMT -5
My 9 year old DS with ADHD cannot stand when I have any input on his homework. It's a fight I gave up pretty fast in remote learning. I give him a timer for 30 minutes and whatever he's got done in that time, that's what he turns in. If he'd like more time, he can have it, but it's not required. If he needs or wants my help, he's free to ask for it, but I try to keep the school conversation between him and his teacher. I agree that splitting attention between school and piano may be stressful as well (my DS could not handle daily instrument practice at this point).
The way I looked at remote learning and also homework is that I don't want to sacrifice my relationship with my kids for those things. So we focus on the things we think are important (like reading every night, or homework/projects that the kids will be sharing with the class), and don't stress about the other stuff. I'm not going to make us all miserable to complete worksheets. I have a 9- ad 7-year-old and they don't have homework most nights.
Post by DarcyLongfellow on Aug 19, 2021 12:04:26 GMT -5
My advice depends on your kid.
My oldest is academically gifted and finds school relatively easy, but she also has anxiety and is extremely introverted. Every year of elementary school, I ended up going in to talk to her teacher and basically saying that she wouldn't be doing any homework. It was all pretty much busywork. She was emotionally exhausted after being around people at school for 7 hours, so when she came home she needed time to use her imagination and relax and just be a kid. She didn't need the reinforcement of homework in order to understand what was being taught in class, so we just didn't do it. If there was ever homework we absolutely *had* to do, the only way to do it without fighting was for me to put it all on her. It's really the child's homework, and whether she does it should be between her and her teacher (assuming there aren't discipline problems). So I'd say things like, "Mr. Smith said you had to do X tonight. If you don't get it done, you're the one who is going to have to go to class tomorrow without it." Then let her deal with any fallout. (obviously my kid is a people pleaser so the motivation of not getting in trouble at school is huge)
My youngest is more middle of the road academically and is also extremely extroverted. She doesn't need to re-center herself after school -- she may be physically tired, but she's mentally and emotionally fine. For her, this is going to be the first year that she really has regular homework. My plan is to make her do it right after school. I like PP's suggestion of connecting it with screen time. Like, we have 60 minutes until we have to leave for dance. You can watch TV after you finish your homework. So if she takes 60 minutes to whine about homework, then no screen time. But if she gets right to work, then she can have maybe 30 minutes.
Post by scribellesam on Aug 19, 2021 13:57:01 GMT -5
When I refused to practice piano as a kid, my mom just let it go and let me embarrass myself in front of my teacher. Eventually I learned the lesson and started practicing more. If he enjoys piano but is lazy about practicing maybe some natural consequences would work for that aspect.
I like the idea of contacting the teacher to let her know you’re taking a break from homework. No one is going to fail because they didn’t do their 30 minutes of busy work.
My son is ten in fifth grade. There is no homework, reading at home is encouraged. I would talk to teacher and see what can be done about homework.
Music- my son plays the saxophone and guitar. In our house we practice daily the minutes of our age. So my son does 5 minutes of each instrument a day. He progresses nicely. It’s a small amount where he enjoys or does it without complaint.
For us homework has always been just a couple problems. Something the kids start in class but the teacher doesn't give enough time so it gets finished as homework and then 20 minutes of reading.
Aftercare homework club is a god send. I loved that and it works so much better than mom/dad helping with homework. I'll miss this the most now that we've grown out of aftercare.
I would also drop piano unless he is some kind of piano genius.
Does he have any other learning disabilities like dysgraphia that make the writing difficult? Can he type the words on the computer and print them out--maybe more fun on the computer?? My ds had to write them in different colors and a few other activities that made it more fun than just plain writing.
Nothing diagnosed. He does have difficulty writing which is part of why I want him to practice writing. I hate to give up before he is at least somewhat capable, but maybe I'm thinking about it wrong.
Post by undecidedowl on Aug 19, 2021 19:18:50 GMT -5
Thanks for the advice and responses. I know half the problem is my own expectations and exhaustion at the end of the day.
Today, we got up earlier so he could do half his piano and some spelling before school. I'm not a morning person at all, but he did well with it so we'll keep trying morning work.
I personally think he has a very reasonable about of homework so far but he just won't start it. Or he starts but stops and throws a fit right away. I haven't figured out how to do a time limit. Do I let the timer run even if he is not doing the work? I guess I could just ask his teacher what she thinks.
I suck at sticking with reward systems but we do have a jar method we used before. I'll keep it in mind if I can get my own shit together.
Luckily, reading is not a problem. This is my kid that gets in trouble for reading when he is supposed to be doing other things. Or sneaking books in his desk to read during lessons. So at least it's not all bad!
I would also drop piano unless he is some kind of piano genius.
Does he have any other learning disabilities like dysgraphia that make the writing difficult? Can he type the words on the computer and print them out--maybe more fun on the computer?? My ds had to write them in different colors and a few other activities that made it more fun than just plain writing.
Nothing diagnosed. He does have difficulty writing which is part of why I want him to practice writing. I hate to give up before he is at least somewhat capable, but maybe I'm thinking about it wrong.
In all seriousness, what if he never gets good at writing? Do you see this as a super important life skill in 20 years? Personally, I doubt my kid will do much writing in 20 years. Heck, I’m not even sure if she will need to type, but I consider this more important than writing. She will likely go to her job and speak into the air and crap will magically get typed up, completed, etc.
Thanks for the advice and responses. I know half the problem is my own expectations and exhaustion at the end of the day.
Today, we got up earlier so he could do half his piano and some spelling before school. I'm not a morning person at all, but he did well with it so we'll keep trying morning work.
I personally think he has a very reasonable about of homework so far but he just won't start it. Or he starts but stops and throws a fit right away. I haven't figured out how to do a time limit. Do I let the timer run even if he is not doing the work? I guess I could just ask his teacher what she thinks.
I suck at sticking with reward systems but we do have a jar method we used before. I'll keep it in mind if I can get my own shit together.
Luckily, reading is not a problem. This is my kid that gets in trouble for reading when he is supposed to be doing other things. Or sneaking books in his desk to read during lessons. So at least it's not all bad!
If your kid is a good reader, then I definitely wouldn’t fight about homework in elementary.