For those that don't know SOS stands for spouse sound off, I think. It doesn't mean things are so dire that we need to call SOS. Feel free to add yours.
Friday night we went out for a beer. I had had a very difficult conversation with my dad, and wasn't in a great mood. DH starts talking about his career counselor, FYI this is career counselor #4 that he has attempted. The first one thought he needed more counseling first, so he did that, but then when he was ready to accept DH he was a jerk/ weird about it. Then, second one tried to upsell him a virtual conference. 3rd one got mad that he asked for references and told him something like that didn't go well for her before (did someone give her a bad reference?) then referred him to #4. So anyway it's been very dramatic, along with him wanting to buy a lake house/ air bnb/ rental or jet ski and being all over the place with this all summer. So basically, I have no patience with it anymore, and I have tried to help him to no avail. So he gets mad at me because I suggest a rental near our house. So that was fun.
He was nice Sat morning, did chores etc. Sat afternoon was soccer in 1 million degree heat. Sat evening and all day Sunday he spends the entire time re-doing all the Wi-Fi lighting system that he has already done like 5 times before. Something changed, but still he has redone this project 5 times. And ignores his family which fine the kids are older but would have irritated me if they were younger. We agree that DD and I will make the weekly menu, and he threw a fit about grocery shopping, so he was supposed to do it. Never does, and all the milk is bad, so I buy milk this morning and he throws a fit because he was going to do it. When? Because he has a phone call in 5 minutes and will be on calls until 5 or 6. I like cereal in the morning not toast, so I need milk.
I guess I am annoyed: 1. In general because PMS, 2. Foot problems and I probably need to see a foot doctor. 3. He never helps in the morning. He spent the morning meditating then walking/ running on the treadmill. He doesn't do anything. I try to make it work because usually he does all the cooking in the evening, so I figure I am the morning person and he is the evening person, but sometimes in the morning when I am racing all around and he does everything for himself it just drives me crazy! Then if I ask him to wake up DS, for example, he will do it but badly, and then be like stop asking me. eyerolls for days. 4. He is controlling about things like grocery shopping, but then doesn't do it and then gets mad because he is being controlling about it. 5. He takes offense very easily, for example see #4 part of the reason for him being upset is he is offended that I did it instead of waiting around for him. I have no idea why- it's clear I have more time on my hands, so it is more of a pride thing for him, I guess. I have no idea why someone would be offended if someone else has too many tasks and takes some off their hands, but instead it is like the world's best task at his job that I took away from him. There will be lots more times to grocery shop times infinity, and I only bought like 10 items to get us through the day.
Pre pandemic, I got up early and went to work while DH got up with the boys, got them ready for school and took them to school then went to work. I left work “early” and did pick up and evenings (soccer, dinner, etc.). WFH and distance learning and everything messed that all up so now that the kids are back to school, we agreed we’d go back to prepandemic schedule. But now I’m getting up every morning to pack their lunches, brush hair and teeth and prod them along while Dh gets them breakfast then showers and is getting dressed. Every morning I have to go into the bathroom and prod Dh because he isnt ready yet and it’s time to leave. Meanwhile the kids aren’t cooperative either and by 7:45am my patience is done. It’s so frustrating every day. Our school schedule also got moved up by 45 minutes this year so the kids have to be there at 7:55 (start at 8) instead of 8:40 (8:45 start) which also sucks.
sandandsea, that's what DH and I used to do when I worked FT - he would leave the house by 6:20am to get to work by 7, and I would get up early, work out, wake kids, get them breakfast, pack lunches if not done the night before, get them dressed, fix hair, and push them along. 3 days a week I took them to school, and the other 2 days the nanny did it. Then he would leave work at 415 to relieve the nanny at 5 (unless he was out of town) and do evenings (no activities, just dinner). He would whiiiiine and complain and I would offer to switch (knowing mornings are hard in our house) but he would NEVER give up his better commuting time unless I needed to be in early - which happened like 1-2 times a month.
My SOS is that DH's head is spinning from work, so he like literally can't pay attention to a word anyone says by the end of the day or on the weekends. Like, I will say "Oh look, it's raining." And then 5 minutes later, DH will say "OMG! It's raining! Why didn't you tell me?!" Um. I did. Like 5 mins ago. And then he gets all huffy because I NEVER told him it was raining, or like I'm a HORRIBLE person for pointing out that he wasn't listening. And I can handle it, but he does it to the kids and it makes them feel frustrated and small. And it's not intentional but I'm really, super sick of it.
Also, he's giving me a lot of lip service about how awesome my new job is, but he is making it very clear that he does not intend to help out at all. So I will do all the things I'm doing, and work 20 hours a week. I mean, he makes significantly more than me, but he could totally throw his coffee mug in the dishwasher. So I'm upping our cleaning lady to weekly from every other, and I'm going to start ordering groceries vs buying them, kids are getting chore lists and allowance.
Last thing... Back in May, dd2 made her First Communion. I got myself an outfit, DD2 her dress, DD1 a nice outfit. I told DH he needed a suit. And I told him 5,947 more times that he needed a suit. And 2 weeks before he tried on all of his suits from 2007 and was shocked that they didn't fit. And then he went out to find a suit, and it was ready a 5pm the night before the event. And he was annoyed that he had to go pick it up while his family was here for the event.
So now we have a wedding to go to in less than a month. And I'm 95% sure that the suit no longer fits. And I told him 2 weeks ago that he needed to make sure that he had something to wear to the wedding, and that I was not going to mention it again. He has made no move to try it on, nor has he attempted to get another suit. He will 100000% be in a panic like 3 days before the wedding.
My Sos is I'm tired of Dh having an opinion about every. single. thing. What I cook,when he's not here, home decor, when to put out fall decorations, he got involved with the pool, and now it's unaffordable. He likes to voice his opinion on hotels, trips, etc. usually after all of the planning is done, so I make him book everything now.
I told him I am painting the laundry room. It hasn't been painted since we built. I got a new washer and dryer, so it's time. He doesn't like any of the colors, why do we need to paint, you should have done it before the new appliances, well the old ones broke, so not much time there, you should just take a picture of the kids measurements and paint over. I'm painting the freaking room. If I can't move the washer and dryer, I'll get as far as I can reach. I'm not painting over the measurements. IT'S MY PROJECT JUST SHUT UP AND LEAVE ME ALONE. My coworkers DH is colorblind and has no opinions on anything inside the house. That sounds nice.
My DH is a homebody, which is normally fine. He does a lot of childcare at home and I'm OK taking the four kids out of the house a lot by myself - DD and DS1 are 9 and 7.5 and they're independent/helpful, and since our baby is the youngest in our friend group, he gets a lot of attention and I get a lot of help from the older kids' friends - DD's friends love to watch him when we're out.
But on Saturday, we met up at the beach with two other families. And it was their whole families going, including the two dads, who are two of DH's favorite people. Of course DH hems and haws about how ridiculous it is that we're taking the whole family to the beach. That beach that is 3 miles from our house that many people fly hours to visit. Getting into the parking lot took a little while and he was super pissy as we set up on the beach. Luckily when the two other families showed up, he got it together, and then we saw two other families we knew there (one of them where only the dad had taken the kids to the beach).
My life would be a lot easier if I didn't have to constantly manage his mood in addition to the kids (he does have a prescription for anti-anxiety meds).
rere , I have the same issue with DH having too many opinions on everything. I personally think it is the control issue. I mean he is not controlling of me in terms of working, who I talk to, and things like that, but the house/ yard/ car etc. Most times when he weighs in the expenses get enormous. I did plan our water park trip, but I told him I thought they were all the same, and I just picked one. Turns out there aren't all the same, but I still think I made a good choice because ours had go carts and rides in addition to the waterpark.
sdlaura, +1 on mood management, or rather since I've kind of given up on that, mood ignoring.
sdlaura I have that issue also. Dh just wants to sit out by the firepit, fire or no, and grill, smoke food. It's a lot easier when he's working weekends, Dd and I just go where we were invited and have fun. When he's off it's a million questions and he drags his feet. Or sometimes tells us to go which gets uncomfortable, they know his work schedule. What am I supposed to say, he sucks or he thinks you suck,or he doesn't care to hang out with you people. We sit around and grill enough, sometimes I like people.
Post by supertrooper1 on Aug 30, 2021 14:32:27 GMT -5
The control issue was one of the main issues that led to my divorce. If I would have wanted to paint a room, change the décor, plant flowers in the yard, etc, I would have heard a million reasons why I would have done it wrong. If I just went ahead and did something, he would have complained that I should have asked him first and pointed out everything I did wrong while doing it. Like the time I got new curtain rods and curtains for the dining room. I shouldn't have drilled new holes, even though the curtain rods left by the previous owners were about ready to fall out of their holes. I should have consulted him first on the curtains and rods, even though he said he liked them. I heard about it for several years. It got to the point where I quit doing things, and then I was lazy.
Not so much an SOS but it makes me sad that Beau still thinks he needs to hide his sadness about his son. His other son asked for Beau to order a canvas portrait of his late son to use at the wedding. I knew it would trigger Beau, so I jumped in and did it and Beau wanted to see the final product that I ordered. I knew it would make him sad since he told me not long ago that he still can't look at pics on his phone of his son.
rere , exactly! It would be one thing if DH ever had his own non-work plans - then it would be easier to justify him not going to things. But it's hard to explain why he's not there when he'd just rather stay home. It's not like we do a ton of activities - he has plenty of weekend time to relax. I asked him to leave the house exactly once this weekend
mae0111 I don't understand that philosophy. Good job honey happy for you but don't expect me to change at all to allow you to grow.
I've got my own frustrating DH. He still can't seem to wrap his mind around that his job is not more than mine. We are almost even in money. He just seems to think I should drop everything for the kids and myself and he shouldn't have to re arrange anything because he is so busy. Bull shit. I did everything by myself for a year. To include WFH with a not even 2 year old and 5 year old.
You figure it out and be flexible. You can work after the kids go to bed. Ugh.
SOS brought to you by 2 physical therapy appointments, an ob appointment, pediatrician visit for possible UTI, school closed today and closed early yesterday.... All on me. Although 3 of those appointments are mine
xctsclrx - when we were pretty even in our jobs he helped more, but I still did 75-80% since he traveled so much. Now he owns his own company with only one employee who he really needs to fire. So if I need him to pick up the kids, he loses an hour of work. That happens enough, and he loses a client. He makes literally 4.5 times per hour what I will be making. It doesn’t make sense for him to cut his day short so I can work more.
So I get it to a point. But he seems to be able to adjust if it’s something that he wants to do.
I’m not asking for a ton of support. I get that all of the kid’s’ stuff during the week is on me 90% of the time. But it feels almost like he’s doing a little less right now since I got this job. And I haven’t even started yet.
I’m hoping we can settle into a good routine quickly.
I'm getting so frustrated with beau and how he is handling his ex. She is consistently screwing him over with custody time, which was bad enough. Out of state travel during a pandemic without asking permission on top of it. But now she's going behind his back to try to do things with the school that beau doesn't agree with. She's trying to get medical exemptions for their son so she can pull him and make him go remote. There is no reason why this is necessary. Their son has asthma. I've seen him need his inhaler maybe a half dozen times after crazy running around outside. He is not medically fragile. I'm furious and I don't think beau is doing enough to fight it. He keeps saying that the school doesn't care, they don't want to get involved in disputes between parents, lawyers just mean no one wins, etc. This is based on zero evidence, he's just decided it and is jaded about how it all works. He is so pessimistic about it I am just getting angry. I want to tell him to grow a pair and fight back. He is well within his rights to threaten legal action and expose her craziness to the school for what it is, but he won't do it. Which means his son is not going to get the best education and supports, he's going to get his crazy ass mom telling him he might die if he goes to school.
vasc, yes, which is why this is infuriating. What she's doing violates the parenting plan. Beau actually emailed a copy of the legal document to the school yesterday so that they know they can't work just with her going forward. Yesterday she called to talk to their son to hear about his first day. The only things she asked about were who was masked, who wasn't, how far away from him they stayed, etc. Not a single question or comment about the actual school day. It was heartbreaking.