My DS started preschool on Wednesday. He was super excited to be back. I didn’t realize that they had today AND Monday off for the holiday. Total fail when we walked up to a locked school.
@hiphopanonymous did you like Fair Play? I've heard a bunch of interviews from the author and it sounds great, but I haven't gotten around to reading it. I also don't know how great follow through would be with the two of us. My H always very "everythings great! Just tell me and I'll help with anything" which he doesn't realize is the root issue for me (not due to my lack of explanation).
@hiphopanonymous ya that is kind of exactly how I imagine it would go with us lol. I'm a SAHM and I struggle with how much should be my responsibility since I am home, but then will randomly snap and lose my shit over how much is my responsibility and is totally unnoticed.
I also remember in an interview the author talked about having to totally let go if it's not yours, and I honestly don't know if I could do that ha. It would take a ton of self control anyways.
al dente, my spouse used to travel internationally for months at a time for work and so I did everything. On really bad days he could have dinner DoorDashed to me or he could schedule doctors appointments, but mostly, things are just...mine. All of them. Covid affected his work travel so I think it's only fair responsibilities get redistributed.
I was in a bad depression over the summer and didn't do anything beyond a surface clean and our house repulsed me. Finally I snapped and rage cleaned and THEN he started pitching in. Said seeing me clean motivated him to clean.
I'm having major surgery in two weeks, won't be able to lift more than five pounds for 8-10 weeks, which basically means everything is going to go to shit, despite a perfectly capable adult being home.
Ultimately it's not about the cleanliness of our home. It's about the fact he doesn't think any of that is worth his time. My time is equal though, so if it isn't worth it for him, it isn't worth it for me, and I need to be okay with that.
Trying to distribute the cards, there are these cards: "wardrobe and grooming (his)" and "wardrobe (kids)." He LAUGHED when he took his wardrobe card and acted like it was dumb....uh....for 15 years I have bought his clothes. In discussing the kids wardrobe, he asked, "We just bought them stuff though?" ANd I said, well, someone has to check and see if snow boots, snowsuits, coats, hats, gloves are all accounted for and fit. He was like, "It's only September though, so you'll have that card back before they need those things." My rage. 1) don't go plotting which cards are hard, take them now and then give them back when shit gets hard, and 2) Halloween costumes are already sold out at Costco and Target. You can't wait until December to buy snow clothes, they put out the bathing suits in January. But he doesn't know that so he thinks I can just waltz into Target on the day it first snows and breezily check out with the exact three sets of colors and sizes the kids want/need. It isn't realistic but he has literally never had to do it.
I’m about halfway through Fair Play, and we actually did a big list of everything that has to get done in the house and divided it up tonight.
What does the author say if his cards just don’t get done? DH took grocery shopping. It is not the first time he has said he’d do the shopping. And then it’s dinner time and I find the pantry is bare and I frantically run to the store to make dinner. So what then?
Couple of thoughts on the Fair Play posts. We didn’t do this but way back when I did make a big list and divide it. DH has always been helpful but not always in the way I want or need like fixing things around the house but then not available for childcare the entire weekend.
I don’t do things for him like buy him clothes, so I would stop doing that and just buy the kids clothes. He is fairly picky anyway.
In the case that grocery shopping didn’t get done, then I’m not cooking. Dinner can be snacks, cereal or takeout. But if he didn’t go to the store that night then he needs to go the next day. If he still doesn’t then obviously we’re going to need food at some point in time, and it will become a big problem. Things get done around here but not always on my schedule. It’s been hard for me to accept because then there is sometimes another problem where I am constantly waiting around tor him. But I’ve learned some tricks with that too. I mean it’s not perfect but it’s less infuriating than it was.
@hiphopanonymous, I guess what does he say back to you when you say, "We agreed you were going to get groceries today and now it's dinner (or tomorrow)"?
I don't make lists for DH, but I have no problem putting a morning list on the refrigerator for everyone. This is everything that needs to be done to get ready for school/ daycare whatever in the morning. DH also cooks, which is a big help. I had similar frustrations when my kids were little that have gotten better now that they are old enough. They pack their own school lunches and their own backpacks etc.
For bedtime and morning, I would have you each pick one. If he doesn't say go to bed, say OK everyone time for bed. Does he just sit their on the couch, knowing he has bedtime? At some point, I also outsourced this to the kids. Give me a hug, and go to your room. Doesn't work so well for toddlers and babies though.
At what age to kids start sleeping in, in the mornings? Or at least when they don’t start the day, as MH says about DD, like they’ve been “shot out of a cannon”? DD comes into our bedroom every morning already in mid-sentence about what game we need to play with her 😴
Also, I think she’s making fun of my New Jersey accent. She had a piece of chocolate croissant this morning and got it all over her face so I told her to go wash it off, and she loudly replied, “CHAWK-LIT?!?”
waverly, in my house, spouse won't take the literal cards at all. Metaphorically he takes half cards. He's helpful but because he doesn't do the full CPE nothing is ever entirely off my plate and he doesn't fully grasp or value the mental workload.
You have to wonder is this a fully functional person? Do they do CPE for other areas in their life or is everything half done? Including their own job and things they do for themselves or is CPE done only if they want to and it benefits themselves. Is there a way to politely refuse and let them fail? I one time took myself to work. In-laws and DH took the toddlers to a train museum and no diaper bag was packed. They had to buy diapers. I’m laughing because there are 3 “functional” adults and no one packed the diaper bag because I was at work. I’m not there- not my problem.
Sometimes when I finally get DH to accept a card it ends up outsourced and sometimes he outsources in his own. For example this is how we ended up with a roomba, robot litter box and all out pets have automatic feeders. We both buy the dog/ cat food and now he always empties the robot litter box because he owns it (our agreement when we got the dog). Our lawn only takes 30 minutes to do but tons of guys that DH work with just totally outsource the lawn. It’s like when you take away cutting the grass, what else are you going to do? Groceries were often delivered. I’m not saying the answer is outsource everything, but automating things has a place in the discussion also. We both had to get very strategic since he traveled for work for about 7 years.
If he still doesn’t then obviously we’re going to need food at some point in time, and it will become a big problem.
Let's delve into that then, because that's where some of us are, and I can't be a mommy to a grown man and make lists for him. It's bad enough that I make lists for the children, because only one of us is doing that.
I was raised by an extremely passive aggressive woman and it has taken decades to retrain myself to not respond like she would. I'm at the point where I think striking or divorce are the only solutions and striking seems passive aggressive. I suppose a proper strike involves demands, not just not doing anything, and maybe it isn't passive aggressive at all.
The book/cards identify 30 "daily grind" cards. They're things that have to happen at specific times most days and they take up the most mental time and invisible labor. Getting meals on the table, diapering/potty training, packing and unpacking backpacks, bedtime routines, morning routines. The issue in our home is that he's like "but I cut the grass" and "I can't, I'm cleaning the garage." Those things don't have to happen on a specific timeline. Cutting the grass Sunday instead of Saturday won't be horrible, but delaying feeding humans and pets, changing diapers, or brushing their teeth for the same 24 hours isn't okay. But him saying, "well just make me a list," puts the work ON ME.
My husband definitely gets caught up in projects I don’t fully appreciate sometimes. Like, I’m like why do you need to blow the pine straw out of the garage when we are having an indoor party where no one will enter the garage??
We have a pretty extreme situation where we have a child that will cognitively be a baby forever. So, we don’t get to sleep in, have the change diapers, etc forever. There was about an 18 month period a few years ago where I seriously wondered if my life would be easier if I only had 50% custody. I didn’t want a divorce at all, but I thought about it. I told my husband I was looking into studio apartments so that we could alternate sleeping arrangements so I could sleep through the night 50% of the time. That shocked him into realizing that I needed more help on the sleep stuff and we moved to a pretty strict alternating schedule of dealing with our special needs kid.
That said, I was probably underestimating a lot of what he did. Like, he does all the adult laundry every weekend, handles stuff for the three cars, handles the dentist, etc. Being home in the pandemic actually made me see a lot of what he does that I wasn’t noticing. I’m messy and he cleans up behind me some.
I think it ultimately comes down to — is my husband just a jerk that doesn’t really care? My husband is actually an incredibly kind person who doesn’t what me to be miserable and understands that there is work to be done. But, he will always have way less executive functioning than I do. And this is true in all areas of his life — not just fake helplessness for kid stuff. So, he does more of the physical labor while I do more of the mental load.
But, if I thought he was a jerk that was happy to benefit from all my labor for the kids and home, I probably would have gotten divorced. I’m the primary earner so it would be totally fine for me to peace out if I needed to do so.
@hiphopanonymous oh ya I totally identify with that. My H was gone for prob 18 of the first 24 mo of our kids life due to work, and then has been home since covid. That def set up habits that now that he's been home for so long I'm looking around like hold up why is all this still on me?
Ugh anyways thanks for responding to all that! I hope things start turning around for you guys.
I also feel like for me I'm so agitated with everything right now so the minor stuff with my H is suddenly so much bigger then before.