Twerks and DDOTS

[waverly]

For lurkers Twerks are something like Things Working (wer) parents need to Know or something like that/ updates.  DDots are Doesn't Deserve Own Thread.

Twerk 1: Sister talked to dad, and said you can live anywhere in the US sort of by a VA hospital but not in Columbia.  He didn't like that, but said I had said that to him also.  The place he wants to live in Columbia has no doctors, and no senior services whatsoever.  The only options available are hospital or hire a private nurse. The closest hospital is 1.5 hours away and sub par.   Everything is cash pay and he was supposed to have health insurance per his visa but had let that lapse in Columbia (both health insurance and visa).  

She finally got into his Gmail account, so he can theoretically talk to his friends, and she is taking him to the Apple Store to buy a new phone today.  He doesn't know his phone or iPad passwords, so she may have to put his Apple account in recovery mode, but will talk to Apple today.  She does have the apple ID password, but it wants to send something to his phone that he can't access. 

Twerk 2:  Yesterday, DS's friends came over to see if he wanted to go biking. DD also wants to go with the boys, so 5 of them biked all over the neighborhood.  It's really hard for me to let go because in my mind they will get hit by a car.  They aren't allowed on a main road, and tons of kids bike and skateboard in the neighborhood.  They said to be back by 7:30, and they were but it was getting dark.  Its a lesson in letting go for me, for sure. But also this was the point in teaching him to ride the bike since that is what boys do in the neighborhood. 

But also, we've lost power 4 times this week, and 2 of them were from falling limbs and then an entire tree.  So that has me more on edge because every time I turn around there are police/ fire and downed electrical lines.  I'm hoping that we've seen the last of it.  And it wasn't even storming when they fell, but it stormed earlier in the week and perhaps weakened everything. 

DDOT: We also did a puppy playdate with the neighbors.  Their puppy is pretty mouthy/ bity on our dog, but she is only 5 months so that is to be expected I guess.  Our dog was more mouthy at that age also.  

[twinmomma]

TWERK: Beau was finally able to talk to the school, give them copies of the legal paperwork that show his ex is going behind his back and not including him like she's supposed to, and build up some rapport with the administrators. All very positive and making him look like the sane, rational one in the situation. Ex is making him sit distanced and behind a shield, with a mask, and dismissed him for lunch so that he isn't around other people. He's the only one in the class with that desk set up. She's still pushing that he needs to be fully remote due to "health reasons." After one day of school he wants to know how often he can get dismissed to come home and hang out, because he doesn't like school, which broke my heart. He also said that at recess he didn't know what to do so he just walked around alone.

I have told beau over and over that he needs to reach out to the teacher and the guidance counselor to come up with a transition plan. I know they're doing things like play groups and social skills stuff with these kids who haven't been in school in so long. But beau refuses. Today he told me to lay off and not bring it up again. I think he sees it as me telling him something is wrong with his kid, so he just gets mad and defensive. Which is infuriating to me, because there are tools available to help his son, but he won't take advantage of them because of the perception. But, I'm going to lay off and see what happens. I don't think it will get better, given the playdates I've supervised and how he even interacts with the girls. Maybe the teacher can raise the concerns if she notices the issues and provide some guidance.

I did tell beau that if he caves and dismisses his son because school is hard for him or if he talks negatively about school when his son is negative about it, I will lose a lot of respect for him. That cannot be an option if his kid is going to be successful. It's been putting a lot of strain on us the past week or so. I'm struggling to shut up and watch it play out because that's not in my nature. I'm a doer/fixer and I hate watching a kid struggle when there's no need for it.

[mommyatty]

We had a meeting with DS’s teacher and the head of the lower school yesterday (basically the principal, but we are fancy). DS is struggling hard and probably needs ADHD meds. His pediatrician wanted to hold off since last year he was okay-ish. But considering the LS head told us when she came into the room he was literally curled up under his desk, hiding, we need to start meds.

DD has her lunch crew back but the problem kid has started joining them. And last night his mom was being a psychotic b!tch on our class FB page over which I’m the administrator and left the page. (She was pissed that I posted that uncivil or obnoxious posts would be removed since some people who don’t even have kids in our class were being really ugly. She was literally standing up for the right of people to be uncivil to one another.) So now who knows how her kid is going to act. And funny enough I got a text from another mom this morning asking why this problem kid is so mean and such a bully. I wish DD would distance herself from this kid.

[k3am]

DS is home with us.. again. The neighbor's son got sent home for the same thing (that he likely got from DS) and is going to come hang out at our house today when his dad goes to work until his mom gets home from work. My guess is that as soon as DS can head back to school, DD will have symptoms because of Murphy and his dang laws.

[k3am]

Oh and my TWERK.. the anonymous individual that wants to contribute to our kids' 529's is indeed who I thought it was. Apparently he feels bad that he got BIL a gift for their baby shower, but didn't get anything for either of our kids. Nothing substantial enough to warrant opening a 529. Sadly, my dreams of an excessively generous benefactor just aren't playing out.

Side note, what is it with old people thinking that everything has to be fair? I remember my mom fighting with my grandma because grandma was INSISTING on buying her a new fridge when we didn't need one... but grandma had bought one for her brother, and she had to make it FAIR.

[186momx]

twinmomma, hugs. I would have your girls talk up how much they like school and ask them pointed questions about what they did at recess when he is around. But I totally agree that his teacher at least should know that he hates school at this point because a good teacher will try and fix that ASAP.

I'm really glad I choose to start DD out virtually. In person meet the teacher is on the baseball field tonight with instruction to line up single file behind your teachers name six feet apart. They have no access to the school building to see the classroom and are to keep it to just introductions no discussions so the line keeps moving. First day of school instructions were to drop kids in the parking lot no parents allowed inside. This would be fine for me with a 5th grader but I would be freaking out with a 1st or even 2 grader who hasn't gone to school all of last year.

DD picked up her supplies last night and got to actually see her teacher as she was one of the people handing out supplies. We zoom this afternoon for meet the teacher.

[twinmomma]

186momx, That's kind of my plan. Last night at dinner I asked very specific questions about each kid's day - What was the funniest thing that happened? What was the most fun thing you did? I am trying to come up with a list of super specific things I can ask about to get him to talk about his day. His response to the most fun question was "Well, not recess. I just walked around alone." And I countered with "Ok, well we can work on that. But I don't want to hear what you didn't like, let's think about what went well today."

[k3am]

twinmomma, I'm not saying it's the case, but Beau's son may also just not be conversational the same way your girls are. The neighbor's daughter told us that 6th grade sucks because she hasn't met other kids yet and the only thing she can do is sit and play with leaves. DS regularly tells me that school was boring because there was no one that wanted to play with him.. despite the fact that he was literally playing with other kids when I picked him up.

Our house rule is that if one of the kids tells me something bad/they didn't like/etc, they also need to tell me something good. I think it's important to listen to what they didn't like/what was hard/what went wrong/etc, and to give them some sympathy for that, because kids have BIG emotions, and they matter, but we also don't want them to be solely focused on the negative.

Could it be helpful to have your girls talk about some of the things they struggled with during the day so that Beau's son (he needs an acronym!) realizes that they're not just magically having an easier time than he is?

[mustardseed2007]

My son also will tell me he didn't play with anyone on the play ground and sometimes its true. It's not true that the kids at his school are heartless jerks, but it is true that he gets anxiety about certain activities (like this spinning thing the kids love to play on or gaga ball which is very popular) and is not able to make himself play them, which causes him to be the odd man out. It's been a fine line between trying help engineer him into friendships and letting him figure it out. Doing lots of playdates outside of school has really helped the most. Is that an option at all? Do you know any of the other parents?

[186momx]

twinmomma, when things start getting into full swing ask about PE, Music, Library on those days. I would also ask who he sat next to at lunch and did they have school lunch or home lunch. DD is normally a chatter box but talking about her day at school has always been hard for her. I think she just needs to have some down time before talking about it.

Recess is hard. DD greatly dislikes recess too and that usually was the worst part of her day. A couple of her teachers said they wish they could skip recess because that is when all the drama happens. DD has always loved to swing so when she pulls the no one would play with me or I was all alone I suggest she swing as that makes her happy. Does Beau's son have an outside activity he likes a lot?

[twinmomma]

k3am I would maybe think that's the case and it's just a personality thing, but he struggles with all interactions that kids his age should be able to do and milestones he should have hit.

He doesn't share - if someone has something, he gets upset and demands he get it too. He cries at the drop of a hat if any kind of adversity comes his way and retreats to pouting. "Adversity" could be something as simple as being told to wait 5 minutes for his turn or a kid wants to play a different game instead of his choice. If he doesn't win he cries and quits playing. When put in a situation without an adult telling him what to play with and do next he just does nothing.

Honestly, watching him is like watching how much younger kids interact, which is understandable given his situation. My gut tells me it's not just a less chatty kid because I've observed him at group playdates with other families too.

And in my defense - I don't list this stuff off to beau or point it out like this. I've been very general in saying that social/emotional/transition help would be valuable because he could use some help going back. But, I'm going to shut my mouth and see what comes of it in school.

[sdlaura]

twinmomma IIRC your girls are in 4th grade and Beau's son is in 2nd? If so, that's the same grades/ages as my daughter (4th) and oldest son (2nd). I think often boys are way slower to mature. My daughter and son are only 17 months apart, but she's probably years more mature than him. We joke that DD thinks she has tons of friends, and DS1 thinks he has no friends, but really they have the same number of friends.  A lot of what you describe sounds like my son in terms of not being resilient, but he's really started to mature a lot and grow out of that stuff in the past few months (he turned 7 in January). I bet your Beau's son will start to thrive if he's allowed to stay in school everyday and get used to a new routine. I think you're absolutely on the right track with encouraging your Beau to advocate for his son - his desk set-up sounds totally ridiculous.

My daughter and everyone in her class has now have 3 negative COVID tests since their classmate tested positive the second week of school, and there was no spread. We've made it through our first "modified quarantine" - still attending school but no aftercare and no activities outside school - but I'm sure it won't be the last one this year.

[twinmomma]

sdlaura, yes, that's the age breakdown. I mean, maybe it's maturity. But I'm not the only one seeing these challenges that he has. There are some other things that seem like delays for age too - sensory issues, gross motor skills, etc. I really do believe that being back in school is going to help him grow leaps and bounds compared to where he is now. I just know if it were my decision, I'd be pushing for more help from the school, either formal or informal. But, that's the joy of "step-parenting" I guess. All the parenting work with none of the actual decision making.

[rere]

My mom was just diagnosed with ovarian cancer. She is being typical mom saying it's probably not a big deal, but I know she is worried. Unfortunately I have worked in healthcare enough to know the statistics. We go to the oncologist Wednesday. I've already given my OB the heads up, so he is aware of family history. He's actually my moms boyfriends BIL, so I'm sure he will be all over it.

[erinshelley21]

I'm so sorry rere That is a lot to process I'm sure!

[k3am]

rere, I'm sorry.

[twinmomma]

I'm so sorry rere. I'm sure your mom will appreciate your knowledge and support as you both navigate this.

[supertrooper1]

rere, I'm sorry!

[mae0111]

I’m so sorry to hear it rere. Sending good thoughts your way.

[sandandsea]

I’m sorry rere.