I’m thinking about leaving my DH.

[cinnamoncox0]

I’m very sorry. It sounds like you expressed unhappiness a lot giving plenty of time for him to (if he were unhappy too like he says) express his unhappiness and talk about ways to fix it.
I would have a difficult time with the only fans it’s so disgusting, it’s to me worse than a chat with coworkers or something. Something so gross and cheap about it *to me* that I’d not be able to really take him seriously after that.
It’s a me thing I’m not saying anyone else should feel this way it’s just my views on that.

Do you feel you want to try to be happy again after this or are you still done?
I can see it being enough , even without the OF stuff, and it’s ok to be done, really and truly.

Best of luck. I’m sorry it isn’t an easy situation of course.

[rosiebear]

Aw man, that’s a lot. I’m sorry. My thoughts when I first started reading were along the lines of “maybe wait until post-covid to see if things can return to normal” but as I read more, it’s clear that pandemic related chaos isn’t at the root of this.

Even setting aside the only fans bullshit, he’s not on your team and hasn’t been for awhile. Unless he wants to be a team, a couple, then I don’t see how you keep going. Even if he does, you don’t have to want that anymore.

It sucks to feel lonely when you’re married; it’s the saddest feeling and you do deserve more than that. I guess therapy and honest communication with your H will help you decide what you want.

Hugs. This sucks and I hope you feel support here. You definitely deserve better, whether that is inside or out of the marriage.

ETA: I don’t mean to minimize the OF stuff; I’d be enraged over it and it might be a dealbreaker for me. But I think I am probably over reactive on things like that so I wanted to focus my response on the other issues, which are enough in and of themselves

[abs]

I’m so sorry. It’s been such a shorty year and a half it every level.

You have given your H every opportunity to communicate and come up with a plan. If you are done then feel no guilt. If you aren’t sure and want to give him another chance with marriage counseling involved that’s ok, too. No right or wrong answers. Either way take care of you. Reach out to trusted ones.

[seeyalater52]

I don’t blame you for being upset. You communicated how you were feeling and he had many opportunities to do the same. Just based on how these things usually go, I doubt messages on Only Fans is the full extent of his extra curricular activities. It’s rarely all truthfully admitted up front like that.

[Deleted]

What does he say when you tell him you're done?

I think it's possible for a couple to come back from a dark place but they both have to want it and work for it.

[thelurkylulu]

The OF stuff pisses me off but I also feel sad & embarrassed for him that he was messaging women who get paid to do that. The attention he was getting wasn’t even real or meaningful. But he still sought it from outside and that’s fucked up.

I know that I have done everything possible to try to save our marriage and have given him every opportunity to voice his unhappiness. He said last night he felt like he couldn’t do that because I don’t hear him. And I can be stubborn, but I don’t feel like I’m wrong with the things I want.

Honestly I had been debating personal counseling before all of this because I do think I have PTSD from this last year. I feel like I definitely should talk to someone now to figure out if this is something I can continue, or want to continue. Would couples counseling even be beneficial at this point? I have no idea.

[sofamonkey]

You’ve posted here for years about how crappy your H is, and how crappy your relationship is. Leaving him isn’t going to cure your loneliness, but it’ll go a long ways towards self respect and life balance. I think he only confessed because he was basically getting caught, and who knows how much more there is to that story.

You have kids, and I’d strongly suggest some counseling together, if only to establish some decent coparent communication. But it doesn’t seem like either of you are happy in your current situation. If you’re both willing to do counseling, it could be beneficial to some resolve of that (which could mean splitting as well)

No matter what, I’m sorry you aren’t being listened to, cared for, or given a base level of respect. That sucks and I’m so sorry you’re in that spot. Hugs and good luck.

[redheadk]

Honestly, it sounds like HE wants out but he's too much of a coward to say it so he's trying to force you into being the one to ask for the separation/divorce. Which is ultra shitty.

I'm really sorry

[thelurkylulu]

Sept 5, 2021 9:31:49 GMT -5 @stevia said:

What does he say when you tell him you're done?

I think it's possible for a couple to come back from a dark place but they both have to want it and work for it.

He normally doesn’t say anything. I’m a yeller when we fight which is not the best, I know. He will typically start stepping up after I lose my shit. But why do I have to lose my shit, you know?

[babsbunny]

Job and financial issues could have had a huge impact on his mental health. That could take time and/or professional help to recover from.

But you mentioned a mix of being happy and fed up for years before 2020. If you got back to pre-2020, would you be happpy?

[smock]

Personal counseling sounds like a really good idea. The past 18 months have been so traumatizing, and dealing with financial stress, medical issues, and a difficult marriage on top of that is a lot for anyone.

Couples counseling might also help. At the very least, it will show you very quickly if your H is willing to put in the work to improve the relationship. From his track record, the answer might be no. But at least you'll have a forum to discuss how to split up, if that's what you decide.

[thelurkylulu]

Sept 5, 2021 9:40:20 GMT -5 babsbunny said:

Job and financial issues could have had a huge impact on his mental health. That could take time and/or professional help to recover from.

But you mentioned a mix of being happy and fed up for years before 2020. If you got back to pre-2020, would you be happpy?

For the most part, yes. 2019 was rough also due to outside circumstances but we were really, really happy and we felt like a team. Even the beginning of 2020 and COVID, we were happy and close. We have always fought about housework. Always. I think that’s why I’m struggling because I do remember how happy we have been.

[Deleted]

Sept 5, 2021 9:44:39 GMT -5 thelurkylulu said:

Sept 5, 2021 9:40:20 GMT -5 babsbunny said:

Job and financial issues could have had a huge impact on his mental health. That could take time and/or professional help to recover from.

But you mentioned a mix of being happy and fed up for years before 2020. If you got back to pre-2020, would you be happpy?

For the most part, yes. 2019 was rough also due to outside circumstances but we were really, really happy and we felt like a team. Even the beginning of 2020 and COVID, we were happy and close. We have always fought about housework. Always. I think that’s why I’m struggling because I do remember how happy we have been.

Then I suggest having a candid conversation with him if he wants to work for it. If he does, you may benefit from counseling because there's a third party mediator.

If you don't want to continue though, that's fair too.

[turnipthebeet]

Pdq. Your H sounds kind of like me when I was unmedicated. I have depression and was just in a fog, didn’t care enough to help around the house, etc. My husband carried us for about a year before I talked to my doc, but I wouldn’t have blamed him for leaving me. I’m fact I kind of expected him too, that was another thing I couldn’t care about. But I never would have sought out something elsewhere because, again, I just didn’t give a shit.

So that is to say, maybe he needs help but that isn’t your problem. You won’t be able to make him change if he doesn’t want it for himself, and so you need to do whatever you can for yourself.

[nicolewi]

If you were super happy in 2019 and now both really struggling after a shitty year, I would definitely try counseling before making a final decision. Everyone has been through a lot.

[cinnamoncox0]

Also yes those OF get paid, so I’d be checking the accounts to see how much $$ he is actually spending to pretend someone likes him.
And what else is he spending $ on?

I’m sorry. I’d be thinking of the money too.

[thelurkylulu]

Sept 5, 2021 10:18:02 GMT -5 cinnamoncox0 said:

Also yes those OF get paid, so I’d be checking the accounts to see how much $$ he is actually spending to pretend someone likes him.
And what else is he spending $ on?

I’m sorry. I’d be thinking of the money too.

We have always had separate bank accounts. I should ask to see his though. I did look through his phone last night but obviously he could have deleted Facebook messages and texts.

[momof2]

You said you have said “I’m done” multiple times over five years. That doesn’t sound like someone super happy as recently as 2019. I think you really need individual counseling to figure out what happy even means to you.

I also would be assuming that what he confessed is the tip of the iceberg, because he only confessed exactly what he realized he would be caught at. I would be asking him to show you his bank and credit card statements for the last two years and pulling his credit report.

[goldengirlz]

I’m so sorry. The shittiness of the past year (and all the added stuff it sounds like you’ve had to deal with) can take a huge toll on a marriage.

I’ll echo everyone else about the importance of therapy. To me, the most problematic part of the OnlyFans stuff is that you specifically asked for more attention/emotional energy from him, and instead of taking that to heart, his next move was to channel that energy into something outside your marriage.

It sounds like you’ve done everything you could and the ball is in his court; he has to want to meet you halfway. Sending you strength to navigate the road ahead.

[sent]

I am married to a person who turns out is not at the same emotional or maturity levels as me. I feel very similarly to your post but I don't think he is into any kind of paid outside stuff since the shutdowns. I know prior to the pandemic, he used to sometimes blow his money at strip clubs after work with other idiots but the finance-bro culture he was in has mostly disappeared for now. Anyways, after hemming and hawing and coming this close to leaving for over the last 5 years, I heard about something called an "invisible divorce" and decided that is where I am right now. I would like to make this work but the other person is too immature and selfish to participate. Counseling for both of us is not an option because he believe the problem is me and not him. At the same time, I don't have any space to take on the mental energy of handling 2 kids by myself by splitting for good. For example DD is in soccer and he took both of them to her practice an hour ago and I'm enjoying the silence and gearing up to make quesadilla for lunch; I think if we were split, this kind of responsibility would fall on your weekend vs my weekend schedules and I'd rather just not right now. All of out finances are separate and we pretty much live in separate parts of the house and don't have to cross into the other person's living areas too often, so I'm just living like this for now and putting my energy into my humans kids and my small business "kid." Though I will say, he pulls his weight financially so that isn't a huge issue for us. My friend just got divorced because her ex stopped working after they got married, made no effort to contribute financially and since this was not a mutual decision, she broke it off.

[expectantsteelerfan]

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Couples counseling could absolutely help, even if it's just how to admit to yourselves and each other that you are both ready to move on from each other and figuring out how to do that amicably. But if you are even hesitating at all to walk away, if you didn't try counseling, would you wonder if there was any chance you could have done more?

[DotAndBuzz]

Others have given good advice, so I'll just say I'm so sorry you're going through this.

[ellipses84]

Reading your post, depression and a sort of PTSD fallout from a really rough year came to mind, which couples and individual counseling could help. Then I read your second to last paragraph and was like, oh hell no, leave him! If my DH did that, after I calmed down, it wouldn’t be an immediate dealbreaker if it was a recent thing and he is truly remorseful and is willing to put in the work to fix the issues in the relationship. However, it’s up to you if you want to or can forgive.

There are things you could both do to reconnect, but I worry that you will be the one putting in all the effort because that is clearly the pattern in your relationship. I’d also be concerned he’s not being 100% honest. We only know what you wrote on this message board. If you think he was depressed and stressed, which is very possible with a job loss, 10 months without sex seems unsurprising, but if you had suspicions of infidelity prior to the last month you probably shouldn’t ignore your instincts. Is he the type of person who would never ask for a divorce? Maybe this was his apathetic way of getting you to force it.

With kids in the picture, I would go to individual and couples counseling even if it was only to decide on an amicable divorce. You were already considering divorce before this. Your choices are to dig your head in the sand and keep going with status quo, get professional help to improve your relationship or get a divorce. You may find divorce freeing because you are already doing so much on your own and aren’t benefiting much from him or the relationship.

[simpsongal]

The only thing I can add to what’s been said (all good advice) is that your dh’s job situation was probably incredibly emasculating, humiliating, and depressing for him. He’s not handling that in a healthy way by turning outward for validation. But it’s a significant enough life event and change that I wonder if he could get help and come back from it. You don’t have to stay or weather this with him.

I’m sorry you’re faced with this.

[Nonny]

I don't really have any advice, but it sounds like at the very least individual therapy might be helpful for you just in general to help with your feelings about the past couple of years (unrelated to your marriage). I'm sorry you are going through this, especially when it just feels like yet another shitty thing on top of the list of shitty things you've already been dealing with.

[cinnamoncox0]

Sept 5, 2021 10:42:14 GMT -5 thelurkylulu said:

Sept 5, 2021 10:18:02 GMT -5 cinnamoncox0 said:

Also yes those OF get paid, so I’d be checking the accounts to see how much $$ he is actually spending to pretend someone likes him.
And what else is he spending $ on?

I’m sorry. I’d be thinking of the money too.

We have always had separate bank accounts. I should ask to see his though. I did look through his phone last night but obviously he could have deleted Facebook messages and texts.

Oh I see. Well I suppose if he’s paying his share then whatever but ugh I’d hate the ide of the $ too. I’m sorry.

[mags]

You are unhappy, you've been that way for a long time. (going by what I read here)

Why do you want to continue down this path?

What is going to change if you stay?

[jlt19]

I'm really sorry. I didn't see the OP, but I was in a similar situation almost exactly a year ago (infidelity wise) and I do echo others about there possibly being more. You don't need to find more if you feel you're done, but if you feel you need more to justify being done, I'd ask to see banking information. If he fights you, you have your answer.

I will say counseling has really helped for us, not just to address DH's indiscretions, but the issues within our marriage. We still see our counselor weekly and i have no desire to stop any time soon. I'm just really sorry you're dealing with this. Last fall was the worst time of my life and I hate to see anyone at the beginning of that path.

[cuadrado]

I didn't have a chance to respond earlier when I first read the OP but I wanted to echo what simpsongal has said. It sounds like it has been an especially tough year or two for your DH and that maybe there's some depression going on. I'm not excusing what he did but I'm wondering if therapy could help you both come back from this. Either way, do what feels right to you - you deserve to be happy.

I got divorced in my late twenties and couples therapy was invaluable to that process. It helped me define what I needed in the relationship in order to be happy, and my H was not able/willing to meet me in that place. I felt a lot of peace when things ended.

[chchchia]

I am so sorry. I am divorced and as much as it sucked my soul, it also healed it. My ex is a cheater and I looked the other way for a long time and I think he was doing it bc he wanted me to pull the plug but I fought tooth and nail for it. I did not realize how self destructive hanging on to that marriage was until after I got out of it. I don't think it would have ended until he met his now wife who gave the ultimatum, I am thankful she did that. We have been divorced since 2017 and I am still rebuilding me, but I can tell you, it's the best thing to have happened to me.
I wish you the best.