Do you think it's a bad idea for me to hand him the breathalyzer and say "Your parents sent this. I expect you to use it and show me prior to driving the kids or caring for the kids?"
We're in a weird place of still living together and I don't know if I can trust him for child care.
ETA: His parents asked him to test and he said he would. But he didn't say any of this to me.
you have to make him take ownership and responsibility of any sobriety. I’d just leave it at ‘your parents sent this’ and leave it up to him to use it OR if he doesn’t, don’t entrust him w the kids. Early on when my xh relapsed after 15y of sobriety, I made sure he was never in a position to be alone w our child. There were many things I made HIS responsibility (therapy appointments, AA meetings, etc) bc he had to take ownership and responsibility for his recovery. Any ‘help’ I would have given him was just enabling him.
You're right. Thanks! I really am trying to disconnect from enabling him.
OP - could you tell me the name of that Al Anon Facebook group (you can send me a PM if you don't want to share it here).
I'm in a similar spot as you - H is an alcoholic and I'm about to have a nervous breakdown because I can't handle being his parent anymore and just dealing with him in general (I just reached out to a therapist to help me sort out my emotions and stop being an enabler).
I'm sorry you're going through this - it's such a mindfuck.
Ugh. I am so sorry you are dealing with this. It's this one.
you have to make him take ownership and responsibility of any sobriety. I’d just leave it at ‘your parents sent this’ and leave it up to him to use it OR if he doesn’t, don’t entrust him w the kids. Early on when my xh relapsed after 15y of sobriety, I made sure he was never in a position to be alone w our child. There were many things I made HIS responsibility (therapy appointments, AA meetings, etc) bc he had to take ownership and responsibility for his recovery. Any ‘help’ I would have given him was just enabling him.
You're right. Thanks! I really am trying to disconnect from enabling him.
I’m not going to sugarcoat things bc it’s HARD to stop doing something you’ve spent so long doing. PDQ - it took CPS questioning my ability to protect my child for that enabling switch to flip off. It was a startling moment of clarity when I realized that the world would NOT fall apart if I didn’t do something for him to be ‘helpful’ or ‘nice’. He’s an adult.
Guys. He bought more booze and I just kicked him out and told him he should go drink it elsewhere. He's going to a hotel. And he told me he got laid off today.
I know I should have talked to an attorney first, but I didn't.
pinkdutchtulips we were also put on CPS' radar earlier this year and when I just kicked him out I told him I would die if I lost my kids and so he must go.
Also--should I tell his parents? Sorry. I know I need a diary or something.
I don't know about the legal stuff, but no. This is more emotional/mental energy you're taking on on his behalf. Tell them they need to communicate with him if they want information about him.
Don't beat yourself up for not contacting a lawyer before kicking him out. This was a situation that required you to act immediately and you did. Now take it step by step.
Joint. But I do "control" them, but he has access to them if he has ever read the documents I've given him over the years (kinda doubt).
Do you think he’d blow through money? I hope you can get in with an attorney soon.
I hope not. When I suggested a hotel he did suggest staying in the basement to save money and I said no. So....hopefully not. I took him off 1 of our credit cards that was in my name, but we have a bunch more. Eeeeeee. And obviously there's savings, but there's probably a withdrawal limit, right? :::breaths into paper bag:::
Post by penguingrrl on Sept 7, 2021 16:22:34 GMT -5
You’re doing the right thing, not even a question. I would consult an attorney today or tomorrow, and do whatever you legally can to get your money locked down so he can’t spend all you have. I’m so sorry, it’s not easy. My mother getting my alcoholic father out of our house was the greatest gift she could have given us. She showed us that she valued herself and what a healthy relationship looked like and to never settle for less.
I haven't responded yet because I don't have this type of specific experience, but good for you for sending him away! I think telling him to leave and go to a hotel is different than barring him from being at your house, which is really what you'll need to contact a lawyer for. Right now it's all informal so I think you're fine legally (not a lawyer myself, though). I would speak to a lawyer tomorrow though and see what your next steps should be to make this formal. I think you'll need to get a separation agreement in place ASAP so that you won't be held fully responsible for whatever spending he does in the near future. Can you afford for him to go to a hotel for many days/weeks? If not you may need to do something to cut off his access to your money - I don't really know what, if you have joint bank accounts I don't think you can just kick him off but there may be a way to move some money so he doesn't have access to all of it. I would definitely talk to your lawyer in depth about that so it doesn't backfire on you. What I would do regardless, though, is open up your own bank account and start getting your own paychecks deposited into it. That way at least he won't have easy access to your specific money.
Do you think he’d blow through money? I hope you can get in with an attorney soon.
I hope not. When I suggested a hotel he did suggest staying in the basement to save money and I said no. So....hopefully not. I took him off 1 of our credit cards that was in my name, but we have a bunch more. Eeeeeee. And obviously there's savings, but there's probably a withdrawal limit, right? :::breaths into paper bag:::
My xH was a cheater. I chose to ask forgiveness instead of permission because I didn’t trust him. I moved most of the money into a separate account. I didn’t touch it. He and his lawyer got really mad but I didn’t get in trouble legally. I paid off the joint debt with that money, eventually. I knew that once it was gone it was gone.
Clearly not legal advice but I was really scared that I’d get screwed.
Call attorneys directly, file for divorce and request full custody immediately
Change passwords and pins for bank account, or open a new one and transfer funds
Change the locks, it's great he left the home because that can be added leverage legally
You could also call CPS yourself on him for putting the kids in danger and not seeking help for an addiction and subjecting the kids to threats of safety from said addiction, that's one more document for court. If you're protecting your kids and taking steps to continue to protect them, there's no need to fear CPS removing them.
I would consult an attorney before calling CPS because if you get a court ordered custody agreement or ex parte, then CPS cannot overrule a court order just FYI
(Worked for CPS for years, but not attorney so this isn't legal advice, just friendly advice)
Post by cinnamoncox0 on Sept 7, 2021 16:41:44 GMT -5
Oh wow I’m really proud of your for standing up and telling him to get out. You and your kids will always come first and it’s very tough now but you are 100% in the right here. You’re courageous and strong. I would either not tell his parents or if I did tell it would just be to let them know if they need him contact him directly.
Well...I missed a bunch while typing. I'm so sorry, but you absolutely did the right thing by kicking him out. You are so much stronger than you feel right now.
It's relatively easy to open an account in your own name. Even if you're in a joint property state, moving money to an account solely in your name will prevent him from taking all the cash.
If his name is on the house, you can't legally change the locks.
Post by 1confused1 on Sept 7, 2021 16:48:23 GMT -5
Please protect your finances and credit cards. After I kicked my XH out, he lived in a hotel for 5 months, ran up the credit card and we ultimately were sued by the credit card company.
At one point during our divorce, XH was blowing through joint money at an outrageous rate. My lawyer actually recommended I move some of it into my own account (that he didn’t have access to) and not spend it, but just eliminate the opportunity for him to spend it. If you’re truly concerned he might do that, I’d move money and then just play dumb/beg forgiveness after. You’re going to have to be transparent about money/bank accounts during the divorce process anyway.
Post by sofamonkey on Sept 7, 2021 16:59:48 GMT -5
I would limit his ability to drain you both dry ASAP. Not cut him off completely, but move extra money into an account he can’t touch, call the CC go and lower the limit etc. so that you minimize catastrophe.
You aren’t responsible for his decisions, but you are responsible for your & your kiddos well being & future.
It is at this point I would put his number on snooze so that you aren’t bothered with notifications until you are ready to read it. Probably at least tomorrow.
Post by ellipses84 on Sept 7, 2021 17:06:20 GMT -5
It’s fine you told him to leave and he voluntarily left. If he had an attorney they may have told him not to leave, but it’s fine for you that he did. Time is of the essence and you now need to talk to an attorney. A free phone consultation with the one you can talk to most quickly is fine. You can meet with more and decide who to go with later. Ask what their retainer and fees are. Take a couple days off work to handle things if you need to. I would change all your passwords and take him off your bank accounts /credit cards so he can’t drain them (make sure he has access to some way of paying for a hotel on his own until you talk to a lawyer). This will all get worked out later, but right now he cannot be trusted and you need to protect your shared assets which will be divided if you divorce.
It’s also good to document things in writing and they can help guide you of what to say… whether it be about him collecting his things, if you should change the locks, breathalyzer before visitations with kids, etc. Document every attempt he makes to see or talk the kids with dates and times, and the outcome, like if he was 2 hours late, didn’t show up or had been drinking. You don’t necessarily want to withhold visitation but your primary goal needs to be to protect the kids and do what is in their best interest, and he needs the one to be making the effort to put those things in place. Maybe that’s a breathalyzer and a supervised visit with one of his family members for 2 hours on a weekend. For all custody / visitation stuff, make sure there are steps in place to hold him accountable. If there’s already a CPS report, your lawyer or the caseworker (if you trust them and the issue was related to his alcoholism) may be able to advise you in a way that a judge won’t hold against you later if you are following their advice.
I would not change the locks or lock him out of bank accounts unless a lawyer you contact and explain your situation to says it's ok.
Yes. Omg I am so tired of people saying change he locks! It’s illegal in many states.
Limiting your risk is the best you can do until you have legal orders. And since yesterday was a holiday, many lawyers were not in the office. They’re all likely closed today, but the voicemail is open.