I’m going to fight with my H tonight (Updated)

[goldengirlz]

Because I have so much anger right now and I don’t know what to do with it.

Disclaimer: He has the repeat colonoscopy later this week. I fully acknowledge that I am not coping well.

But last night we went out on a date night and he recounted a conversation he had with his assistant. Apparently she has a flight to Hawaii and he pushed her to upgrade to first because it was “only” $300. And then he apparently told her, “Now you’re learning!”

I cannot even begin to describe how WTF that whole conversation sounds to me. I know it’s all fun and games to spend other people’s money (so maybe you’ll tell me I’m overreacting), but this is not a man who spends $300 to upgrade to first class. That’s MY thing — I’m the one who always wants to upgrade and he ALWAYS pushes back — always and predictably. Except suddenly he’s all about that lie-flat bed life!?! Who IS this man? Also, “now you’re learning?” What is she, his protege?

My anger is probably misplaced — my “anger” is probably anxiety — but I feel such intense rage right now that I know I won’t be able to stop myself from bringing it up later.

Update: So … we talked. Or rather, I talked and he listened. He tried to deny that anything is between them, and I was just like, Look, don’t gaslight me. I know how it sounds and I’m telling this to you as a woman who was once 20-something. If that’s not how you meant it, take it as constructive criticism and do better when you talk to your female colleagues. And, to his credit, he shut up and stopped being defensive. Then he committed to being more intentional about bringing levity back to our relationship (we’ve talked about this stuff before, to some extent, but I was never this pointed because I never wanted to make it about her.) He got emotional telling me that I’m the most important person in the world to him, and I told him we need to tell each other these things more often. He agreed.

This week will suck. And then it will be over. Thanks, as always, for the validation and the good wishes. ❤️

[sofamonkey]

Big hugs to you. I’m 50/50 on compassion for what you’ve been through & also hating him because WTAF.

[rosiebear]

Is this the ice cream person?
Yeah, he needs to shut it. I’m sorry you’re stressed.

[VillainV]

If my boss ever said to me “now you’re learning” I’d probably quit. That’s just….so patronizing.

[TR]

I’m sorry you’re feeling so angry I would be annoyed that he’s pretending to be this cool guy in front of her when it’s not who he is at home.

[erbear]

I hate him. Team you.

[goldengirlz]

Sept 6, 2021 19:23:33 GMT -5 VillainV said:

If my boss ever said to me “now you’re learning” I’d probably quit. That’s just….so patronizing.

Exactly!! Now, granted, I wasn’t there and maybe he just thought that and was adding it into the story in some misguided attempt to make me laugh (because he was obviously telling it to me like, you’ll appreciate this because you love upgrading.) But every time he talks about her, it brings me back to when I was 26 and all the times older men talked to ME that way and made me feel small (or cute, depending on who it was).

I don’t think he’s cheating. But I’m pissed because I feel like I have been through the emotional wringer with him and I am trying so hard — so, so hard — to inject that levity back into our relationship, to flirt with him and be present with him. But then! This!

[mcmel]

I’m sorry. I fucking hate men, every day, regardless of what they do.

[Deleted]

I really don't get the outrage so maybe I'm missing something

And I remember the ice cream thread and I'm still confused

[mcmel]

Sept 6, 2021 19:42:58 GMT -5 @stevia said:

I really don't get the outrage so maybe I'm missing something

And I remember the ice cream thread and I'm still confused

She’s stressed and she wants to vent. That’s all! No need to solve the problem. Just commiserate. Thanks!

[W.T.Faulkner]

I work in an entirely different field than your H, but if someone at work higher up than I am was pushing me to upgrade for “only” $300, I’d think him really out of touch and very unaware of how much $300 may be to some. Not a good look, IMO, especially with the “now you’re learning.”

I came out vocally in defense of your H & texting in the last thread, but not here.

[brooklyn]

Ugh, that’s an obnoxious comment on his part. And I’m assuming the assistant’s salary is probably not large enough for splurging on big upgrades constantly, so it’s rude to try to talk her into more than she may be comfortable spending.

Also giving me flashbacks to when I was a young 20 something assistant working for oblivious lawyers, ugh

Team you!

[goldengirlz]

Sept 6, 2021 19:42:58 GMT -5 @stevia said:

I really don't get the outrage so maybe I'm missing something

And I remember the ice cream thread and I'm still confused

I’m hoping it’s not an actual fight. We’re both under a ton of stress this week.

I don’t want to go in guns blazing and accuse him of wrongdoing. But I want to tell him that the kind of energy he’s putting out to her — THAT’S what I need from him. I can’t JUST be his emotional support person while he saves all the playfulness for someone else. I’ve been trying so hard and he was grumpy and distant this weekend (which I get because this is stressful). But I don’t deserve that. At the very least, keep these stories to yourself, dude. Seriously. It hurts me right now.

[seeyalater52]

Sept 6, 2021 19:46:40 GMT -5 W.T.Faulkner said:

I work in an entirely different field than your H, but if someone at work higher up than I am was pushing me to upgrade for “only” $300, I’d think him really out of touch and very unaware of how much $300 may be to some. Not a good look, IMO, especially with the “now you’re learning.”

I came out vocally in defense of your H & texting in the last thread, but not here.

Agreed. And it would only be self control and a grasp of workplace norms that would keep me from pointing out just how out of touch and inappropriate that is.

[erbear]

Sept 6, 2021 19:42:58 GMT -5 @stevia said:

I really don't get the outrage so maybe I'm missing something

And I remember the ice cream thread and I'm still confused

You are insufferable.

[Deleted]

Sept 6, 2021 19:51:14 GMT -5 goldengirlz said:

Sept 6, 2021 19:42:58 GMT -5 @stevia said:

I really don't get the outrage so maybe I'm missing something

And I remember the ice cream thread and I'm still confused

I’m hoping it’s not an actual fight. We’re both under a ton of stress this week.

I don’t want to go in guns blazing and accuse him of wrongdoing. But I want to tell him that the kind of energy he’s putting out to her — THAT’S what I need from him. I can’t JUST be his emotional support person while he saves all the playfulness for someone else. I’ve been trying so hard and he was grumpy and distant this weekend (which I get because this is stressful). But I don’t deserve that. At the very least, keep these stories to yourself, dude. Seriously. It hurts me right now.

That makes sense

I'm sorry ☹

[rosiebear]

Sept 6, 2021 19:55:10 GMT -5 erbear said:

Sept 6, 2021 19:42:58 GMT -5 @stevia said:

I really don't get the outrage so maybe I'm missing something

And I remember the ice cream thread and I'm still confused

You are insufferable.

That seems like an overreaction.

[erbear]

Sept 6, 2021 20:06:06 GMT -5 rosiebear said:

Sept 6, 2021 19:55:10 GMT -5 erbear said:

You are insufferable.

That seems like an overreaction.

Could be. Stevia has made a couple of posts lately that have annoyed me. i am sorry if I’m misreading this one!

[goldengirlz]

Sept 6, 2021 19:52:00 GMT -5 seeyalater52 said:

Sept 6, 2021 19:46:40 GMT -5 W.T.Faulkner said:

I work in an entirely different field than your H, but if someone at work higher up than I am was pushing me to upgrade for “only” $300, I’d think him really out of touch and very unaware of how much $300 may be to some. Not a good look, IMO, especially with the “now you’re learning.”

I came out vocally in defense of your H & texting in the last thread, but not here.

Agreed. And it would only be self control and a grasp of workplace norms that would keep me from pointing out just how out of touch and inappropriate that is.

I didn’t know what to say so this was basically my reaction: Isn’t that a lot of money?

But apparently she’s the one who brought it up and asked if he thought it was worth it (because how else would he know?)

I don’t know how much she makes but I know what WE make and I know his answer is always: not worth it. (Except very, very recently to visit family with our not-yet-vaxxed DD.) Maybe she has family money or something. Who knows.

[Jalapeñomel]

Now you’re learning?? 🤬

[Patsy Baloney]

I hated the ice cream text and I hate this more.

Mr. Split Personality here with the te-hes reserved for the 26-year-old.

Nope.

[livinitup]

Anything other than “My wife really taught me a lot about traveling and upgrades and what’s worth it” in the re-capping of this conversation is going to end badly.

And also, stop.

[rosiebear]

Sept 6, 2021 20:11:04 GMT -5 erbear said:

Sept 6, 2021 20:06:06 GMT -5 rosiebear said:

That seems like an overreaction.

Could be. Stevia has made a couple of posts lately that have annoyed me. i am sorry if I’m misreading this one!

Gotcha. I was unaware of any history.

[formerlyak]

I just wanted to send hugs because I know this week is stressful for you and you really needed to just enjoy your date, not deal with this added layer.

[mysteriouswife]

I think it’s in the air. You are the third person I have heard say this lately. I think stress is high for everyone. Add in the stress of medical health and your H being a dumb dumb it’s just boiling over for you. I’m sorry and hope tomorrow is better

[cville]

Sept 6, 2021 19:46:40 GMT -5 W.T.Faulkner said:

I work in an entirely different field than your H, but if someone at work higher up than I am was pushing me to upgrade for “only” $300, I’d think him really out of touch and very unaware of how much $300 may be to some. Not a good look, IMO, especially with the “now you’re learning.”

I came out vocally in defense of your H & texting in the last thread, but not here.

I'll never forget when I was a paralegal making $20k/year prepping for a trial. I mentioned to one of the partners that I only had one suit. She told me that Ann Taylor had some good ones and they're "so cheap." And that some were even on sale! An Ann Taylor suit was more than twice my monthly food budget.

I try very very hard to remember how that felt when talking to anyone about money. You just never know.

[abs]

Sept 6, 2021 20:11:04 GMT -5 erbear said:

Sept 6, 2021 20:06:06 GMT -5 rosiebear said:

That seems like an overreaction.

Could be. Stevia has made a couple of posts lately that have annoyed me. i am sorry if I’m misreading this one!

Stevia is a troll from another forum. So.

goldengirlz I’d be so annoyed, too. Just a very out of touch comment. Ugh. I’d definitely tell him that, too!!

[sofamonkey]

Sept 6, 2021 21:13:52 GMT -5 abs said:

Sept 6, 2021 20:11:04 GMT -5 erbear said:

Could be. Stevia has made a couple of posts lately that have annoyed me. i am sorry if I’m misreading this one!

Stevia is a troll from another forum. So.

goldengirlz I’d be so annoyed, too. Just a very out of touch comment. Ugh. I’d definitely tell him that, too!!

And a racist one at that!

[krystee]

Ugh. In her shoes, I’d be thinking, “If $300 is nothing to you, you are clearly overpaid and out of touch, and I clearly deserve a raise!”

And in your shoes, I’d be super annoyed that his coworkers get the fun him and you get the stressed him. I know it’s probably similar to how they say kids are their best selves at school because home is their safe place and where they can let it all out—he probably feels home is his safe place to let all the fear and sadness out. But you can’t JUST get the fear and sadness. It isn’t fair to you.

I hope his test goes great this week, he has wonderful results, and the two of you can reconnect without all the fear weighing heavily on both of you!

[Deleted]

Sept 6, 2021 21:44:27 GMT -5 sofamonkey said:

Sept 6, 2021 21:13:52 GMT -5 abs said:

Stevia is a troll from another forum. So.

goldengirlz I’d be so annoyed, too. Just a very out of touch comment. Ugh. I’d definitely tell him that, too!!

And a racist one at that!

Well, this is a lie

It would make more sense to not make another thread about me and to just ignore me if you don't want to interact with me based on incorrect information