Unwanted heirlooms?

[rosiebear]

I guess I’m just not that sentimental about my childhood, but I don’t want a bunch of stuff that my sisters keep sending to me and I KNOW they’re going to ask about them when they visit.

Latest: our mom collected prints put out by the Northern company of little girls - apparently she had one for each of us hanging in the hall at one point (I’m the youngest so I have only the vaguest recollection of them). One sister tracked them down and sent us each “our” picture. I don’t want it! I didn’t ask for it!

Gah. How do you deal with unwanted “treasures” others insist you’ll want?

[Jalapeñomel]

I donate them. I’m also not sentimental, and I hate clutter.

If my mom asks, I tell her the truth. At least at this point she asks me, even though she knows the majority of the time it’s no thanks!

[dancingirl21]

We have a bin in the basement that they go in. DH’s maternal grandmother passed a few years ago. His mom keeps giving us random china, pictures, tablecloths, etc as gifts. Because she thinks he will remember and want all these random things. And he doesn’t remember any of it and it is very old lady traditional - not at all our taste. So we just hide it away.

[pierogigirl]

I'd ask her if she wanted it back before I donated it. So far, I haven't had to deal with this, but I also hate clutter and am not overly sentimental about many things. My ILs are decluttering "treasures", but they ask before giving us something.

[rosiebear]

Sept 7, 2021 18:48:22 GMT -5 pierogigirl said:

I'd ask her if she wanted it back before I donated it. So far, I haven't had to deal with this, but I also hate clutter and am not overly sentimental about many things. My ILs are decluttering "treasures", but they ask before giving us something.

That’s what I should do. It’s what I did when I decided I didn’t want some items I’d taken from our parents’ stuff, after all.

I just know there will be drama, but I also know I shouldn’t care.

[pierogigirl]

Sept 7, 2021 18:55:23 GMT -5 rosiebear said:

Sept 7, 2021 18:48:22 GMT -5 pierogigirl said:

I'd ask her if she wanted it back before I donated it. So far, I haven't had to deal with this, but I also hate clutter and am not overly sentimental about many things. My ILs are decluttering "treasures", but they ask before giving us something.

That’s what I should do. It’s what I did when I decided I didn’t want some items I’d taken from our parents’ stuff, after all.

I just know there will be drama, but I also know I shouldn’t care.

Well then, if you don't see her a lot and she's not going to notice it "missing" in your house, then just get rid of it. 

I wish DH's sisters would stop giving us Christmas presents because I usually end up disposing of them somehow and it pisses me off to have to do work to get rid of gifts I never wanted. 

[gastro]

My sister is like you and I’m the more sentimental one. I don’t give her anything anymore because I know she’ll just dump it. She’s honest about it and I haven’t been able to convince her otherwise. So I would suggest you just tell your sisters straight up - if you send it, I’ll trash it so please either keep it for yourself or donate.
Honestly she’s rubbed off on me a bit and it’s refreshing.

[imojoebunny]

My parents are hoarders. They have enough money to hide it fairly well, in their main house, but they have 7 garages. Yes, 7, mostly filled with stuff my brother and I do not want. Yes, it cost about 10X what all the junk is worth, to build the garages. I toss or donate pretty much everything they give me. I don't have a garage. Real estate here cost around $300 a foot, so I am not storing stuff I am not going to need for years. A lot of our wood furniture is "heirloom" from my grandparents and parents, but I only agree to take the pieces I can honestly use and like. If they break or no longer work in our space, I pass them along or throw them out.

[mcmel]

I would also ask if she wanted it before you donated it. I get attached to strange things every now and then and I would totally understand my brother not wanting something but would be really hurt that I didn’t get the chance to keep it for myself if he just donated it without telling me.

[felicity]

My mom is like this. Now that she's in her early 70's she's trying to dump it all on me, and I just say I don't want it. She bought a whole new china set a few years ago and I'm fairly certain she bought it thinking I'm going to want it someday when she dies. Um no thanks. If I wanted china, I would have registered for it when I got married. It'll get donated. She kept my wedding bouquet and preserved it, and I have no recollection of saying I wanted this, but she mentioned recently that she's keeping it for safe keeping until I want it someday. I need to find some way to tell her she's welcome to get rid of it because I don't want it, and I know she'll act all hurt and surprised that I wouldn't want it (because apparently she knows me not at all). She also has made random cross stitch stuff for me over the years for me to hang in my home, without asking, and I don't hang any of it. Of course she gets offended and goes looking around and following up on her gifts of this sort later on. She tries to give me stuff from my grandparents, who I barely knew so their stuff has no memories for me. Luckily I have a cousin who wants any of their stuff I don't want, which is pretty much everything, so my mom at least has someone to pass that onto which curbs some of her guilt trips. I have a brother, but he's off the hook because he's a guy (eyeroll).

If your sister gets upset because you don't want it or donate it, it's her problem for not being able to understand that other people might feel differently than her. You aren't doing anything wrong by not feeling the same way about a picture that she does. A lot of people don't feel sentimental about things and find receiving them burdensome.

[lucybrown]

I donate them, ruthlessly. My family thinks I’m dead inside because they’re sentimental about everything. I’ve focused my efforts on trying to care less what they think, which is easier said than done.

[emilyinchile]

Sept 7, 2021 18:48:22 GMT -5 pierogigirl said:

I'd ask her if she wanted it back before I donated it. So far, I haven't had to deal with this, but I also hate clutter and am not overly sentimental about many things. My ILs are decluttering "treasures", but they ask before giving us something.

I do this with my dad, but it backfires. Twice now I've told him I'm going to get rid of something unless he wants it, he's frantically told me to give it to him because it's a treasure, and then the next time I've seen him he's excitedly told me how he found my [object I gave back to him] and here it is for me! So then I thank him profusely and just get rid of it on the second go around and never tell him.

[sonrisa]

I'd be upfront - tell everyone now that you already have any and all of the sentimental items you will ever need from your family. They don't need to send you anything more because you will not value it.

pierogigirl - have you tried telling them that you don't want to exchange gifts anymore?

Good communication could really help these situations. Some people are incorrigible, but you have to at least try. (my mom thinks I'm a stinker because I've been upfront about it. My brother just tosses and then she blames it on his exwife/wife. Which doesn't seem like a healthier way to handle it.)

[katfco]

My sister isn’t sentimental and I am, and we have some traditional heirlooms in our family that get passed on to the first girl. My sister, being the oldest, declined and passed it on to me, especially since it would go to DD next anyway.

I’d let them know you’d rather see if someone else in the family might be interested in it first and then donate it.

[pierogigirl]

sonrisa Yes! Every year for at least the last 5-10 years. They say OK, but then keep giving us crap. We reciprocate with a $15 gift card and some scratch off tickets. We haven't tried just not reciprocating. I'm going to have DH try to get them to really agree to no gifts this year(except for the kids).

Edit-I just talked to him and he said he was not wasting his time. We have had the conversation so much with them. I wish the'd just give us a gift card too, but they always get us stuff (and it's usually awful - like they don't even know us).

[lucybrown]

Sept 7, 2021 20:46:31 GMT -5 sonrisa said:

I'd be upfront - tell everyone now that you already have any and all of the sentimental items you will ever need from your family. They don't need to send you anything more because you will not value it.

pierogigirl - have you tried telling them that you don't want to exchange gifts anymore?

Good communication could really help these situations. Some people are incorrigible, but you have to at least try. (my mom thinks I'm a stinker because I've been upfront about it. My brother just tosses and then she blames it on his exwife/wife. Which doesn't seem like a healthier way to handle it.)

Not who you asked, but yes, I’ve tried telling my family I don’t want to exchange gifts anymore. I’ve tried saying this in many different ways. They’re gift people and said I’m stifling them. The gift giving is about the givers. They don’t seem to care whether their gifts are useful or desired. My dad spends ridiculous amounts of money on things he thinks should be our heirlooms. I kept them out of guilt for too long before finally donating them.

We’re finally doing a gift exchange which seemed like a good compromise until a few people started showing up with gifts for everyone again.

[sadlebred]

I'm thankful my mom purged all of their knick-knacks, extra furniture, "art" (cough,not really art), general stuff, and such when they moved into a condo 20 years ago. Less that I'll have to go through. They don't have enough room to buy a ton more, hopefully. There wasn't much from various relatives that have passed away; a lot was sold/donated because no one wanted it or there were expenses to be paid by the estate or there were so many heirs everyone got 2-3 small items.

If it were small items that a relative would notice wasn't out, I'd hide it away til they came over and have a specific box for those items. Big things, sold or donated.

[isabel]

I get rid of that stuff. If I think it might really be important to someone else, I’ll ask if they want it. Like, I had a rocking chair as a kid that my mom brought me when DS1 was a baby. My kids are too big for it now. I was ready to sell it, but checked with her first and she ended up taking it back. There’s some connection to her parents with it, but I don’t recall the details.

I don’t keep stuff I don’t have a need or use for. I’m 90% sure that the Brio trains my MIL kept from when DH and his brother were kids, that our kids now play with, are going to get sold or given away because there’s basically no way I’m holding on to them until our kids eventually (maybe) have kids of their own.

[cjcouple]

Sept 7, 2021 18:55:23 GMT -5 rosiebear said:

Sept 7, 2021 18:48:22 GMT -5 pierogigirl said:

I'd ask her if she wanted it back before I donated it. So far, I haven't had to deal with this, but I also hate clutter and am not overly sentimental about many things. My ILs are decluttering "treasures", but they ask before giving us something.

That’s what I should do. It’s what I did when I decided I didn’t want some items I’d taken from our parents’ stuff, after all.

I just know there will be drama, but I also know I shouldn’t care.

I'd offer it back and deal with the drama.  It may also fix the issue moving forward. if you fess up now, she hopefully will stop sending you other items.  
 

[ECB]

Sept 9, 2021 10:41:28 GMT -5 cjcouple said:

Sept 7, 2021 18:55:23 GMT -5 rosiebear said:

That’s what I should do. It’s what I did when I decided I didn’t want some items I’d taken from our parents’ stuff, after all.

I just know there will be drama, but I also know I shouldn’t care.

I'd offer it back and deal with the drama.  It may also fix the issue moving forward. if you fess up now, she hopefully will stop sending you other items.  
 

This is 100% my take.  Deal with the drama now just so that she'll hopefully realize this stuff isn't important to you and won't continue to give you stuff.  

I'm not willing to hold on to stuff given to me just to say that "sure, I still have it", while it takes up space in my house, regardless of where that space is!

[Aloe Vera]

Sept 7, 2021 20:55:45 GMT -5 pierogigirl said:

sonrisa Yes! Every year for at least the last 5-10 years. They say OK, but then keep giving us crap. We reciprocate with a $15 gift card and some scratch off tickets. We haven't tried just not reciprocating. I'm going to have DH try to get them to really agree to no gifts this year(except for the kids).

Edit-I just talked to him and he said he was not wasting his time. We have had the conversation so much with them. I wish the'd just give us a gift card too, but they always get us stuff (and it's usually awful - like they don't even know us).

They're probably regifting stuff to you. Don't reciprocate. 

[sdlaura]

For nicer stuff - I love my local Buy Nothing group! It makes me happy to know someone in the neighborhood who actually wanted the item is getting some use out of it.

[newnamesameperson]

Sept 7, 2021 19:17:26 GMT -5 gastro said:

My sister is like you and I’m the more sentimental one. I don’t give her anything anymore because I know she’ll just dump it. She’s honest about it and I haven’t been able to convince her otherwise. So I would suggest you just tell your sisters straight up - if you send it, I’ll trash it so please either keep it for yourself or donate.
Honestly she’s rubbed off on me a bit and it’s refreshing.

This is my sister to a T.  I can try and try to convince her but if she doesn't want something she simply doesn't want it.  She doesn't pretend for nicety sake she's just up front and tells me no.   She isn't rude about it at all and due to her being so direct...it's cut down on 95% of the sentimental items I attempt to convince her to take.  I've left 5% because uh I'm hopeful lol she'll agree to something here and there one day.    

[ECB]

Also, the idea that talking to her will "Create drama". Well, it's still creating drama, she just doesn't know it.

she thinks she's being nice, and she is to a point. BUT she should be aware that what she feels is important simply isn't important to you. You can say this all to her very nicely! If she gets upset over it... well, that's really on her, not you.

But you shouldn't have to collect stuff indefinitely just to appease HER feelings of sentimentality. She should also be aware of and respectful of YOUR feelings too.

[AJL]

Goodwill? 

My sister and I went through this this year after both our parents died in 2020. We pretty much sold or donated 90% of the heirlooms and stuff they had. It's OK not to hold on to something you don't want. 

[brooke77]

My family are all very sentimental and I’m not. I will let them give me things that I know they don’t want but can’t donate themselves. I’ll take it and then donate it. I have never once been asked where an item is.