Post by pinkdutchtulips on Sept 13, 2021 12:45:44 GMT -5
I’ve been dreading this entire month bc my mom’s bday is the 27th, the first one since she passed. I’m trying to focus on the positives - J and I had a 4y anniversary on 9/3 and my nephew turns 6 on the 24th. I’m thinking of taking Miss R to dinner at Applebee’s that night iho of my mom’s bday - the ‘Bees was her favorite restaurant.
Post by simpsongal on Sept 13, 2021 12:50:38 GMT -5
I hit the 1 yr mark a couple weeks ago. It was ok, my dad's birthday the month before was harder. I didn't post on FB or tell anyone. I was a little disappointed my in laws didn't remember or at least say anything. It felt weird to mark the anniversary of such a terrible day or tell people about it.
Overall I'm doing better, so is my mom. Fewer tears and the memories are starting to make me smile, and I'm able to tell more stories and share more with my kids. Except when I can't, because you know how it is when you pivot to a story and the loss is so painful you can't form words.
Post by simpsongal on Sept 13, 2021 12:54:26 GMT -5
pinkdutchtulips, that's a sweet tribute. We had one of my dad's favorite foods on his bday. Hugs to you in anticipation of a tough day, I'm sorry about your mom.
Post by madDawg228 on Sept 13, 2021 13:13:40 GMT -5
My thoughts are with all of you who are grieving.
This is very timely, as today is the 4th anniversary of my mom's passing.
Things are about the same as they've been for awhile, I still get teary-eyed when I wish I could tell her something or ask her something. Most of my worried thoughts are if people are forgetting her. This past March would have been her birthday, and this was the first year that none of her family members reached out to me since she passed. I called my grandma (her mom) on the day and she forgot that it would have been her birthday, but she's 90yo (has four kids) and I can't blame her for not thinking of it first thing in the day. Still hurts though.
Post by karinothing on Sept 13, 2021 13:17:26 GMT -5
goldengirlz,I think that is really common. My mom was never in a hospital, but I do think I have PTSD from her home hospice stay. It was incredibly traumatic. My trigger seems mostly related to hospice or end of life care, so I encounter it less frequently.
I am sorry you are struggling and I hope you can develop a coping strategy soon.
One of my sister's in-laws passed away, and I do feel sad about that even though we were not very close. I did not agree with his politics. But he was always nice to me, and he did not deserve the bad things that happened to him medically. His passing was also sudden and traumatic. I don't think it was a surprise because he had health issues, but it wasn't apparent that a health issue was going to happen right then.
Also my MIL's unvaccinated sister passed away from Covid in August. I have some feelings on her not taking my MIL's feelings into consideration, plus the family waited too long to go to the hospital, so maybe if they had been vaccinated she would have survived, or maybe she would have survived if she had gotten the antibody treatment.
I'm sorry you're going through this. My husband has struggled in a similar way after his dad's multiple hospitalizations (twice in the last two months). His therapist has been helpful in helping him manage the anxiety that accompanies these hospitalizations. I hope you can get the same help. <3
Well, I mentioned in a recent randoms thread that I've been feeling just kind of flat since my cousin died April 14. Her birthday is coming up on September 27 (((hugs pinkdutchtulips))). I need to get out my notecards and write notes to her husband and my aunt and uncle. I sent a few over the first weeks/month after she passed, but I know her birthday will be hard.
Randomly, talk of Covid boosters makes me think of her because I happened to get my second shot on the morning of day she passed so when I'm calculating what date I might be eligible I'm counting from that date.
goldengirlz I definitely have *something* not right from when the ambulance took my dad away. It left an imprint I can’t shake.
Yom Kippur will be my first holiday lighting the yahrtzeit candle for my dad. I have so many memories of him lighting one for his dad and sister on holidays. I’m also preparing myself for Yizkor.
Just when I think the pain is dulling or becoming more distant, I end up ugly crying 😿
I still don’t have the house in my name. My greedy evil aunt sent a demanding email asking for the items left to her in the trust first, along with all of my dad’s papers and any policies. I had no intention of keeping anything left to her, but they were sentimental and extremely breakable, so I thought she might care how I sent them? Nope, “Send it UPS NOW.” I had already sent her all of his financial info I could find and all the usernames and passwords to his online stuff. So I sent the stuff via UPS, but I had it properly packed and insured because I was actually sobbing at the store because I know my dad would be SO ANGRY at how she is handling this and that evil bitch got my great aunt’s vase (which really should be my mom’s and then mine) and 2 glass pieces from an artist worth about 6k. She will do exactly what my dad would’ve hated and sell them, meanwhile I know they are treasures 😭😠
Post by spindle92 on Sept 13, 2021 15:22:28 GMT -5
This week will be 2 months since my brother's passing. Last weekend was my mother's 80th birthday and she woke up crying because she outlived her son. It was really, really hard.
I have lots of dreams about him and while it is wonderful to "see" his face again, I usually end up having a good cry in the shower.
Post by goldengirlz on Sept 13, 2021 15:33:44 GMT -5
Thank you, everyone. I had a really good session with my therapist today. I’m going to talk to my doctor tomorrow about trying another antidepressant (I had a HORRIBLE reaction to Zoloft). But she also reminded me that there can be beauty even in terrible moments; my H and I had one of our most honest and poignant conversations, maybe ever, this weekend after a horrible fight. So yeah, this all sucks, but it’s been really meaningful too, and that’s what I need to hold onto right now.
Post by simpsongal on Sept 13, 2021 15:40:21 GMT -5
mofongo, not sure if you ever watched Frasier, but there's a sweet episode about all the things that happen at the hospital - good/bad.
My childhood home is a little triggering b/c it's the last place I saw my dad, and it's where he died. My mom is making a few changes here and there, which I welcome b/c it helps make it feel a little different and less like my dad's missing.
I realized with DH grieving more openly about our dog that I’ve had more experience with loss and just show it differently. He finally admitted he’s hasn’t really lost people close to him.
goldengirlz, my mom has PTSD from finding my sister. She would not go in that bathroom at their old house at all. When E stayed with them she made her use a different bathroom.
mofongo, not sure if you ever watched Frasier, but there's a sweet episode about all the things that happen at the hospital - good/bad.
My childhood home is a little triggering b/c it's the last place I saw my dad, and it's where he died. My mom is making a few changes here and there, which I welcome b/c it helps make it feel a little different and less like my dad's missing.
I can no longer use the suitcase I packed to fly to my mom’s house when my dad was about to undergo his last surgery. It’s H’s now and he got me a new one.
But somehow just that minor change made the biggest difference.
Post by TheSeaward on Sept 13, 2021 17:00:20 GMT -5
I'm in the position of having to plan the first Thanksgiving in like 15 years I haven't gone to my dad's, I'm hoping that my one brother will be able to spend some time with me I can't stand the idea of him being alone. I still look at the funeral video on occasion
I have a “good” check in, of sorts. My mom has been gone for a very long time now, and one of her closest colleagues also died last week. It was a no brainer for my sister and me to return to the town (with our N95s) for the viewing and funeral. Their family was so helpful to ours when my mom was sick and after she died. We got to talk with many other people who remembered our mother, and we even heard a few “new” stories about her. The wife of the deceased said she was so touched my sister and I made the effort, but it wasn’t really a big deal. We knew we had to be there. When the generation ahead of you is tired or gone, you pick up the weight and slog on yourself. I find it comforting, in a way, and I hope eventually the rest of you find a beauty in it, too. I know it is hard to see when things are fresh and raw, but the passage of time sometimes offers a more nuanced perspective.
For about the last fifteen years or so (since we’ve had an income), my husband and I have donated money every year in my mom’s memory to the library in that town. The library director was also at the funeral. She may have actually screamed when she heard I was there in the flesh. She ran over to meet me, gushing about our donations, and said how much they appreciated what we’ve done. That was really sweet.
Post by snapoutofit on Sept 13, 2021 18:31:02 GMT -5
It’s coming up on two years since my niece died in a car accident. She was just 11 and my nephew (her cousin) was driving her to school. It was a Friday and it was to be her last day at that school and she was going to start at a new school Monday because she had moved in with my sister who was petitioning for custody (very long story short: my brother was her dad and he died of a drug overdose 2 years prior. She lived with her drug addict mother and grandmother after he died and it was awful. My sister was going to try to get custody of her). I find peace in the fact that she was excited to start her new life and she was happy that morning. The car that hit them was going fast through an intersection and she died instantly. She never knew what was coming. It’s still so unreal and once in a while the sadness just overwhelms me.
Post by flymetothemoon on Sept 13, 2021 18:32:28 GMT -5
New to the grieving process and having a hard time with it physically affecting me (GI and insomnia) but working with my primary care physician and taking it slow. Any advice about how and where to start is welcome.
In short, it has been 15 days since I said farewell to my 30 year old horse who had been my BFF for 26 years and who grew up with me and was with me until his goodbye. I held up well the first two weeks because I needed to help my husband, who was having a really rough time - he thought we had longer before goodbye, and I needed to make sure the donations got sorted and sent to the horse rescue in time for some of the medications to make a difference for other horses in need. But now, I'm trying to figure out how to start the grieving process and how to keep walking down the plan I put together for myself four plus years ago when I learned my horse had a terminal neurologic disease. The irony is that he far outlived the disease and it was not in the end why I knew to say goodbye to him.
Post by game blouses on Sept 13, 2021 18:35:45 GMT -5
Thank you for starting this.
My grandma passed in March and her birthday was in August. We were so grateful to have her for every year after her health scare that every birthday was really significant. So the first birthday after her passing hit me like a sledgehammer. She’s not getting older. She did always say that she refused to die until Trump was out of office, so I’m glad she at least got to see that.
I have her contact in my phone still and I really want to call it, just to hear her outgoing message. But I’m afraid that a relative has it and will answer, or, worse, they’ve deactivated it and I’ll get the “This number is no longer in service” reply, which might kill me a little.
I haven’t come to terms with the fact that Covid prevented me from seeing her for the last year of her life (she lived in a retirement home and was locked down most of the time). I got my first vaccine as soon as I could, but it was still a month after she died.
I am not grieving per se... but I am sad and upset. My Uncle has been very sick and has cancer. He got COVID earlier this year; I am honestly not sure how he survived. My Aunt told me this weekend he only has 2-3 months to live. I ran into my bedroom (I have my own room at her lake house) so she wouldn't see me cry.
Then yesterday morning my Uncle's girlfriend called to say he had been rushed to the hospital. We had been planning on going over to their house so I could visit with him. I started shaking and couldn't stop. I tried to hide the fact I was so upset and waited until I was calm to go downstairs. We went about our day because there was nothing we could do and they only allow one visitor at the hospital.
I am so grateful he came home today; but I am terrified he will pass before I can get back there to see him.
Huge hugs to all who are going through a rough time.
Post by blondemoment123 on Sept 13, 2021 20:25:11 GMT -5
My sadness pales in comparison to those who have lost family members.
My friend who passed away has been on my mind, even more so than usual since a wonderful coworker passed away from Covid last week.
It feels weird bringing her up in conversation, but I miss her. She was one of those people who always made you feel happy and loved whenever she was around.
It has been six months since my FIL died by suicide. We all have complicated feelings around his death.
My H is really struggling and I don't know how to help him. I think he'd benefit a lot from therapy, but he's not there yet. He is upset if people talk about his dad because they are "gossiping", but upset if they don't because he says they are pretending it didn't happen.
He is still really raw and angry and devastated. I know my grief pales in comparison to his-- losing your father in law is different than losing your dad, especially under the circumstances that we lost FIL. But I'm still sad, and helping my kids through their sadness, and holding all the household stuff together to give H space to grieve and most days I'm barely keeping my head above water.
Can I grieve someone still alive? My mom has dementia and it’s.. hard. I feel like a Debbie downer a lot because.. she’s l alive. But the woman that’s alive is a shell of the woman she was, and what were left with is a bitter, mean woman most of the time.
Can I grieve someone still alive? My mom has dementia and it’s.. hard. I feel like a Debbie downer a lot because.. she’s alive. But the woman that’s alive is a shell of the woman she was, and what were left with is a bitter, mean woman most of the time.
Can I grieve someone still alive? My mom has dementia and it’s.. hard. I feel like a Debbie downer a lot because.. she’s alive. But the woman that’s alive is a shell of the woman she was, and what were left with is a bitter, mean woman most of the time.
Absolutely. I struggled a lot with anticipatory grief early on in Star's terminal diagnosis and recognize how hard and shitty it can be. I'm sorry you are experiencing it too.
Can I grieve someone still alive? My mom has dementia and it’s.. hard. I feel like a Debbie downer a lot because.. she’s l alive. But the woman that’s alive is a shell of the woman she was, and what were left with is a bitter, mean woman most of the time.
Yes, it’s called anticipatory grief, as PP mentioned. I was so confused when my dad died because for a long time, my primary feeling was just relief. But apparently that’s very common when someone dies after a long illness. A coworker whose mom had Alzheimer’s said he experienced something very similar.
I’m sorry about your mom. If you’re not in therapy, I’ve found it immensely helpful.
Post by mysteriouswife on Sept 13, 2021 22:19:29 GMT -5
Hugs to everyone. My mental health is spiraling. I can’t read the post, but I want to send love. This place has been a great outlet for me over the last two years. (And previously for many years) the support the boards have given me over the last 16 years is greatly appreciated
It has been almost 5 years since my dad died. I remember after he passed, my then boss said that even though his dad had passed 20 years ago, there wasn't a day that went by where he didn't think of him. And it's true for me as well. Sometimes in in funny ways, sometimes it's just looking at a photo.
The other day it was thinking about how when he came home from the hospital once he had no strength to walk into the house. They had to call a friend who carried him into the house. My dad was such a proud man, I can't imagine what that felt like for him. I never thought about his feelings until this week. I had always had anger that he didn't take care of himself and was declining in health.
@@@@ BB started K last week. She was a little over a year old when my dad died. Her birth and his decline are intertwined in my memories - I was 6 months pregnant and remember him telling me he is tired and wanted to give up. I told him he couldn't because he had to meet his granddaughter. He used to tell me that even though she was premature, she will be fine. She will be amazing, just wait and see. So I cried when we came home after picking her up from her first day and I looked out the window to see a beautiful cardinal outside on my fence. It was probably just a bird who happened to land there, but I took it as a sign from dad that everything is well, just like he said it would be.