My weekend consisted of a huge talk with exH about the kids, custody, and schedules. He was here for several hours yesterday to hash things out after I emailed him last week wanting to revisit the more time with me schedule. I had proposed that we try that through Thanksgiving to see how it goes. He would only agree to that to keep me from getting lawyers involved and was adamant that as soon as Thanksgiving hit, he'd refuse to continue it and would demand we go back to the same 50/50 schedule. He was purely agreeing out of self preservation for these next couple months and wouldn't entertain it as a long term solution at all. I realize I could have just taken it and fought the battle in a few months again, but it just didn't feel right. After talking through exactly what's going on with his fiancee right now, her mental health, his home life, etc. I do feel somewhat more comfortable with how things are being handled over there with her. She's actually not in the home all that much - she goes to stay with her family whenever she's feeling off. I am sure part of it is him glossing over anything negative to make himself look better and me allowing that to happen. But, here we are.
We settled on changing the schedule to week on/week off instead of the mid week switches that we do now. This is with the agreement that at any time, I will take the girls for longer stretches if his fiancee cannot get her act together and is "having bad days" that require the kids to not be there. We will see if he actually self reports that or not. I'll be checking in and demanding transparency as part of the deal. Currently, the kids swap houses every two days. It's exhausting for everyone and now that they're older and involved in after school activities, it's even harder to keep track of. @supertrooper I think you do the week on/week off schedule, right? Any advice? It does mean that beau's son and the girls will be on different schedules now. But, they'll have the same weekends here and still see each other on the weeks that the girls are here. I think it will be good for beau and his son in some ways - it's going to force them to not rely on the girls to entertain him and make him do playdates with kids from his school more.
On top of all that, beau's son changes to a new classroom this week. They're reshuffling all the kids to create masked vs. unmasked classes in each grade. I feel bad that he has to now start over in a new class with a new teacher already. But, this will make his mom back waaaaay off and allow him to just enjoy school now without all her drama clouding it.
Post by mustardseed2007 on Sept 20, 2021 8:20:59 GMT -5
twinmomma , I bet switching classes will make beau's son more comfortable too. I mean, even if it's only coming from his mom, it will still probably make him feel more comfortable to be in a class with other families taking precautions so he isn't doing something different from his classmates. Parents in public school around here keep asking for that and it's always been a firm no.
DD and I had a lot of time together this weekend, and with all the attention her little brother has been getting, she really needed it. She started cheerleading this weekend with girls from her school. I’m not excited. The girls doing it are kind of snotty, and DD has never been friends with most of them. But she wanted to do it, so it is what it is. I took her to the game Saturday, and it was ungodly hot.
Sunday we had a girls shopping day. I told her she’s old enough that she should get to pick out her own clothes for no uniform days at school and weekends. Plus she needed more shoes. DH buys her a crap ton of athletic sneakers and no other shoes, so the poor girl runs around in dresses (her preferred clothes for lounging) and athletic sneakers. So we bought her boots, ballet flats, and Vans sneakers she fell in love with that she can wear to school. Then we went to Kohl’s and she picked out 4 dresses, jeans, leggings to wear under her uniform when it gets cold, long sleeve tee shirts, and a sweatshirt. Her fav part of the day may have been eating lunch in the car at Sonic, just the two of us, listening to music and talking.
Post by supertrooper1 on Sept 20, 2021 11:00:59 GMT -5
twinmomma, we've only done week on/week off, but it works for us. We switch on Fridays at 5, but I'm thinking about requesting Thursdays because it makes it difficult if we want to leave Friday to go on a weekend trip. I miss DS for the whole week he's gone, but it's nice to not have to change everything mid week.
Post by twinmomma on Sept 20, 2021 11:14:41 GMT -5
supertrooper1, We're going to switch on Sunday nights and see how it goes. We were torn between Sunday night and Monday after school. Mondays are one of the most jam-packed days for the girls with activities, so it felt better to have them wake up in the house where they will end up that day. But we'll see how that works for weekend plans. I try to keep Sunday afternoons/evenings low key anyway so we'd rarely have plans to conflict with.
I survived my 3 day tax seminar. I learned a lot but it was just a long 3 days. Sunday I did nothing other than chill. Watched the 1st and 2nd HP movies with DD and finished my diamond dot project. Dh overloaded the dryer and it died. I've been babying the dryer all summer and have been using the clothes line a lot. DH put 7 pairs of jeans in the dryer and the bearing that has been squealing a little went clunk. I ordered the part and DH says he can fix it. I hope so because the dryer & washer I want said 6-8 week delivery.
Post by supertrooper1 on Sept 20, 2021 11:27:11 GMT -5
I had a good weekend. Beau's son's wedding turned out great. The rain held off for the day and it wasn't too cold. Sunday Beau and I went riding for a couple of hours and relaxed the rest of the day.
The day of the wedding was a lot for me to emotionally process and I'm curious what WP thoughts would be. Beau and I showed up for pictures before the wedding and I found out that Beau's son would be walking me down the aisle right after the grandparents. I didn't feel comfortable being in this position, but Beau and the bride's grandma insisted. Then there was a lot of focus on the people lost in the bride and groom's life; the bride's father (8 years ago) and the groom's mother (3 years ago) and brother ( just over a year ago). I understand wanting to honor those that were lost and couldn't be there. But I don't know how to process the groom's mother/Beau's late wife. Her picture was everywhere and I know Beau wishes that she could have been there. Of course I wish she could have been there to see her son get married, but that would mean that I wouldn't be in the picture. I just don't know how to process those thoughts.
After the reception, we went to Beau's house for an after party with his son, DIL and their friends. In a drunken outpouring of emotions, Beau's son said he was happy I was in their lives given the circumstances and that he was happy that I made his dad so happy. He was urging us to get married sooner rather than later, but said he didn't want to call me his step mom. I 100% support not being his step mom and just being there for him if he needs it. And I really appreciated his words. Beau told his son that there were a couple things we needed to work out before we got married, the first being the obvious that I can't seem to get divorced. So now I have to find the right moment to ask him what he meant by "couple things".
So WPs...how do I process all of this emotionally?
supertrooper1, I'm going to go with life is messy and this was one of those moments. It's OK for the family to both want their mom/ spouse there, and to want you there also. Both things can exist at the same time, and that is part of living with a loss. As far as processing emotionally, I think these thoughts are normal with a loss and understanding that is important.
In terms of "couple of things", I am not sure I would want to know, right now anyway ha ha. Are you all living together?
And yeah, for sure focus on getting divorced since that has gone completely sideways.
We had a good weekend - not as busy as usual. DD2 played soccer, DD1 played field hockey on Sunday. Lots of cleaning, laundry, prep for the week ahead in between.
This week is going to be insane. Normally we have piano at the same time that DD1 has a zoom therapy session, so I just manage that accordingly. Then DD2 has soccer Tuesday, I have to be at school Wednesday evening for DD2's parents' night (only one parent allowed). Then Thursday DH was going to take DD2 to soccer, and I was going back to school for DD1's parents' night. Friday evening we have a wedding to attend. Then this weekend we have 3 soccer games and field hockey and boxing.
So in the middle of all of this, DD1 decided that she wants to play travel basketball for our hometown, not her school's town. This has been discussed 7,382 times, and we always landed on playing for school town's team. Well, I just got a text from one of hometown's coaches, saying he was told DD1 was going to try out TONIGHT, but he didn't see a registration for her.
Well crap. So apparently she told his DD at field hockey that she was planning to try out. I wish she had clued me in, as the driver and whatnot. So NOW, we have a tryout tonight and Thursday night, so my dad is involved in getting everyone where they need to go since basketball is at the exact same time as soccer.
I should have said no, but she really seems to want to do it... ugh...
Post by supertrooper1 on Sept 20, 2021 12:22:14 GMT -5
waverly, that's a great point, that those thoughts can exist at the same time. I try really hard not to compete with his late wife with thoughts such as "does he still love her more" "did she make him happier". I try to kick those thoughts out of my head. It's different for me because there was no heartbreak with a traditional break up.
I'm exhausted. Set up for the picnic all day Saturday, then a wedding. We were at the picnic all day Sunday. It poured mid way. We were sloshing through the mud in my cake stand, but thankfully we were under a pavilion. The kids deemed it the best picnic ever. Last I saw there were a bunch of kids sliding head first in a ditch of water. At least my car didn't get stuck like some others.
Today I was planning on writing a grant due Monday. But it is written terribly, we don't have all the information, we don't know if we are supposed to write one or four. My boss is not amused. I'm supposed to be off Friday.
The mom of one of Dds friends says she lost her taste and smell and is sick. She claims everyone has had COVID and doesn't have to quarantine, but no one was tested. So we can't know. I will not allow DD to ride with her this week and it's a mess. Dd is vaccinated, but we have too much going on to take a chance.
Friday was softball then family movie night at the school (I made the mistake of saying DS2 could come and then he was a crazy 4-year-old as I should have expected), Saturday was a soccer game where DD played well but got a not great kick to the knee while saving a goal, and yesterday we had a fun birthday pool party for our good friends' daughter. Nice weekend overall.
supertrooper1 that all sounds pretty nice and to be expected to me. I really hope if I pass away that my kids still make a big deal about me at their weddings And it sounds like they went out of their way to make sure you knew that they love you as well. I also would want to know what the couple things are, but I guess it's a moot point anyway until you're officially divorced!
mommyatty, my DD owns no dressy shoes. She wears her vans with dresses (like for picture day today). I figure she always needs to be able to run around at school. I'm dreading planning for family photos this year because we all need decent shoes - the past couple years we've done beach photos so that we could all just be barefoot.
Post by twinmomma on Sept 20, 2021 13:15:39 GMT -5
sdlaura, mommyatty, My kids only own sneakers, crocs, and ugg style boots. If they need dressy shoes, I usually grab some $5 Walmart flats and call it day for whatever the short time frame is that we need them.
supertrooper1, I think all of your feelings around the wedding are totally appropriate! Especially since you were caught off guard about the walk down the aisle and your involvement in the whole thing. I'd imagine it's also strange to be so involved in these life stages with beau, when your own son is so much younger. It must make the blended family feel even more tricky to blend sometimes. I'd probably end up asking beau what he meant by the things to work out comment, just so it's not weighing on you. I know I'm the type to over think it forever until I just finally freak out and ask. Like waverly asked - are you guys officially living together yet? I don't think so, right? That might be one of the things?
mommyatty - reading about the cheer kids is giving me palm sweats. My whole town is like what you’re describing, and sports are cut throat and brutal. That’s why I’ve been having DD1 play basketball in school town instead. Home town wins the HS Girls State Championship more often than not. Kids start training for it at like age 6. And the parents are so, so awful. I won’t go into it again, but I tried to coach one year and I got so, so screwed by the directors that I quit on the spot.
Those guys that screwed me are running this tryout. No way DD1 makes it. But on the off chance that she does, if she doesn’t get one specific coach, she won’t play. And if she does play, no one will pass to her. But she’s insisting so… there you go.
I almost think she needs to go through the experience to understand why I’ve pushed her so hard in the other direction.
I’m in Beau’s son’s position. My dad died when I was 19. My mom remarried someone who wanted to pretend my dad never existed. If my dad never existed, I would never have existed. My stepfather is on his deathbed, and I DNGAF. It doesn’t help that my mom went along with erasing my dad. So don’t be like my stepdad. Be like Emily Yoffe. It’s completely possible to desperately miss your deceased parent and still be really grateful someone new is there to care for and love your surviving parent. I would have been that stepchild except by making memories of my dad off limits, I felt off-limits too. It was the final nail in the coffin that was my shitty relationship with my mom.
Post by supertrooper1 on Sept 20, 2021 14:32:06 GMT -5
mommyatty, I would never try to erase the late wife/mom. That's not me. I ask questions about what she was like and Beau has no problem talking about her to me. In his son's drunken heartfelt words (I don't think he'd have the courage to say it if he wasn't drunk lol) he said he didn't want to replace his mom. Both beau and I said at the same time that she couldn't be replaced.
Our living situation is...complicated. He doesn't feel like my rental is home and his son has taken over his house. So when DS is with me, we stay at my house. On our off weeks, we stay at a tiny apartment at his work. We haven't spent a night apart in a year, but we don't have a place of our own. I think this may be one of the things, but houses to purchase are so overinflated right now and rentals are hard to find. Plus, DS is in a school district that is out of the way from where we ideally would like to live, so I would have to drive him to school on our weeks with him. So we're torn on where we would live.
We had a good weekend. On Saturday, DS1 and DS2 had soccer. Then we went to community day. It was a funny day, but it was brutally hot. After 5 hours outside, we were all pretty exhausted. So Sunday was a relaxing day. I ran some errands and then logged in to work for a few hours to prep for the week.
My unvaccinated FIL has Covid. Luckily, he's a pretty healthy 70 year old. But on Saturday, he was feeling crappy enough to go to the hospital by himself. He only told DH that he went because DH called to check on him. FIL has no concept of what staying in isolation means and doesn't want to bother anyone, so he's probably been going to the grocery store and such. I told DH to keep checking on FIL because FIL lives alone and DH's sisters live out of town.
My brother finally came clean to my parents and told them about his divorce. STBXW is already getting nasty by calling all of my brother's friends and bad mouthing him to anyone who will listen. She tried calling my mom 4 times and my mom didn't bother answering. He's already locked down his bank accounts and was trying to get off their cell phone account. For now, he is sleeping on a couch in the basement. He can't leave the house because he has a K9 and police car that has to stay within a certain radius of his precinct. I offered him a place at my house if it gets too bad since I'm close by.
Post by mustardseed2007 on Sept 20, 2021 17:02:16 GMT -5
Our weekend was pleasant enough. Saturday DS and DH went to one of DS' friend's birthday parties. I went with DD and some of my high school friends and their kids to a pottery place where you make the pottery. It was really interesting and fun to catch up with some of them.
Sunday was not eventful except that DS had a friend over and then our fridge broke AGAIN. Allegedly it has been fixed but....well I've heard that before so we'll just see.
I pretty much covered it in our sports thread. Friday , DH and I went to a brewery. Sat was errands and soccer. Sunday was board games and Cub Scout projects. It was pretty relaxing.
twinmomma I think now that they are older the week on week off is probably going to be helpful on you guys and the kids. Maybe that will help him keep up with the school stuff too.
Do the girls have a device that you can do video calls with? If so I would plan a day on your off week to check in and talk with them.
Started my new project today. It is a lot. So I am going through all the documents and trying to organize what I understand and what I don't. Lots of research this week.
xctsclrx, Yes, we'll do video calls and I told them I could pop in and go watch swim team practice on the off weeks to see them too. I think this will either help him keep up with school, or he'll fail even more and realize how much clean up I do for him and he'll happily give me more time. lol
DD1 has brought home homework exactly one time this year. She's in 6th grade and started 9/1. She tried to avoid telling me about a test she had last week (because she didn't understand the material so it was easier to avoid it). So we worked with her, she understood the material, she got a 96% on the test.
Last night I got an email from her math teacher indicating that she got a 67% on a quiz. She never told me she had a quiz. So I asked her... no! I haven't had a quiz... Oh, then why did your teacher email me your grade? Um.. oh... that quiz.. yeah, I got a 90%. Oh, then why did she tell me you got a 67%? No I didn't... maybe I read the grade wrong... maybe the teacher made a mistake... OK, where is the quiz? At school. Ok, bring it home... I can't. Ok, then talk to your teacher tomorrow... um... I don't know if I'm allowed to...
I reminded her that I would be seeing her teacher on Thursday at parents' night, and terror flashed across her face.
I'm so f-ing sick of her gaslighting me all the time. She did the same thing with the basketball tryouts yesterday. I asked her why, after several conversations about NOT trying out for hometown, WHY did she tell everyone that she was trying out? She said she misunderstood our conversations. All 800 of them I guess.
I know I've said this before, but we really don't have any days where there isn't something crazy happening. Tantrums, meltdown, lies, half-truths, avoidance... it's been going on for years.
DH and I both feel like total failures as parents.
Operation dad live independently has failed. He started drinking again and forgot to take meds. Due to his disease drinking causes confusion/ mental illness not just confused from being drunk. So he can’t live on his own when drinking because then he is too confused to eat or take meds.
I feel codependent taking care of him. We never took care of him before the call to rescue from Columbia. And I don’t know what to do. He badgered my sister into trying this and now he’s messed it all up. ETA- I have a call into the VA for rehab, but no one answered and I had to leave a message. He won't respond to our text about rehab. He will only verify he is "alive" and that is about it at this point.
DD1 has brought home homework exactly one time this year. She's in 6th grade and started 9/1. She tried to avoid telling me about a test she had last week (because she didn't understand the material so it was easier to avoid it). So we worked with her, she understood the material, she got a 96% on the test.
Last night I got an email from her math teacher indicating that she got a 67% on a quiz. She never told me she had a quiz. So I asked her... no! I haven't had a quiz... Oh, then why did your teacher email me your grade? Um.. oh... that quiz.. yeah, I got a 90%. Oh, then why did she tell me you got a 67%? No I didn't... maybe I read the grade wrong... maybe the teacher made a mistake... OK, where is the quiz? At school. Ok, bring it home... I can't. Ok, then talk to your teacher tomorrow... um... I don't know if I'm allowed to...
I reminded her that I would be seeing her teacher on Thursday at parents' night, and terror flashed across her face.
I'm so f-ing sick of her gaslighting me all the time. She did the same thing with the basketball tryouts yesterday. I asked her why, after several conversations about NOT trying out for hometown, WHY did she tell everyone that she was trying out? She said she misunderstood our conversations. All 800 of them I guess.
I know I've said this before, but we really don't have any days where there isn't something crazy happening. Tantrums, meltdown, lies, half-truths, avoidance... it's been going on for years.
DH and I both feel like total failures as parents.
rant over.
You are not failure as parents. Kids are hard. Some kids are just harder.
Post by twinmomma on Sept 22, 2021 14:20:26 GMT -5
mae0111, What would the consequence be for her if you just... didn't follow up and force her to do it? Could you work with the teacher to let them know that you're going to be giving DD1 more autonomy for a couple weeks (set a time frame around it) and that the teacher should work directly with her? Maybe the teacher can give you updates so you know what's happening, but you remove yourself from the enforcer role?
Post by mommyatty on Sept 22, 2021 15:27:17 GMT -5
mae0111, have you ever taken a video of one of her tantrums? Is she still in therapy? Because I really think she needs to be. Honestly, her sister probably needs to be too because being the well sibling of a troubled kid just sucks and is rough. Her problems are not a reflection on your ability to parent. ODD is just an awful thing to deal with. If it’s really not ODD, showing her how she looks and sounds in a tantrum should make her stop and think about acting that way. And showing the video to her therapist could help the therapist help her.
mae0111, since you are going to be seeing the teacher can you ask about how the teacher can enforce consequences at school. I'm thinking staying after school to redo tests/homework or having to have lunch in his room to redo/make things. Then if she misses other after school activities due to not doing school stuff it might sink in that she needs to do schoolwork when it is assigned.
Thank you all for your thoughts. As I’ve said before, this is a very lonely place to be.
To answer some questions, yes, she has been in therapy for several years now. The tantrums and meltdowns are waaayyy better than they were. At one point, it was every day for hours. Literally every. Day. Screaming from 4pm-8pm. Now it’s shorter explosions, fewer and further between, but still happening.
DD2 is also in therapy, but she told me last week that she doesn’t really want to go anymore. She feels like she’s got good coping skills (she didn’t use those words). She sees the same therapist as DD1, and told me that if DD2 ever needed it, she would take her back in a heartbeat.
I feel like we are at a point where I can’t let her fail this year. She needs to apply to private schools this year for next year. Since she won’t study for the exam, all she has are her grades. And it’s really just first semester grades, since applications are due in January.
We can apply again for high school, but that’s kind of her last chance. She can’t go to our town’s public high school. Rats, black mold, sewage on the bathroom floors… no. She will also not do well at a huge school. Kids with ADHD, and especially kids with NLD, are at risk socially. She’s more likely to engage in risky behavior. She needs a smaller, more controlled environment than a large public school.
She doesn’t understand any of this.
Also, since she’s in middle school, I would have to manage several different teachers.
So for now, she is to bring home all homework for me to check over. Somehow she still doesn’t understand that all homework means all homework. But hopefully it sinks in and she gets into a rhythm.
ETA - not ODD - she is an angel for everyone but me, DH, and our former nanny.
mae0111, I get the loneliness part. Sitting in the waiting room with other parents at OT for DD2 makes me want to cry with relief. It's a room full of people who get it! We're all in the same boat and comparing notes about the exact same behaviors in our kids. Have you looked into any kind of support for yourself?