What helps you with the mental toll of illness?

[Susie]

We've had a rough stretch lately with illnesses and quarantines.  I recently counted that DS has spent 50 days quarantined for known covid exposures in the last 6 months (on track for 100 days in a year!), not including all the times he was excluded from daycare for symptoms that weren't covid.  Then 3/4 of our house had covid a few weeks ago (positive tests on 5/14, 5/18, and 5/18).  The amount of time he is out of daycare is just mind-blowing.  

I was just trying to get back into a routine, and then got a call today that DS had a 102 fever at daycare.  He's home and napping now, but poor kid looked worse today than when he had covid.  My exhausted mom heart felt terrible for him.  I have no idea what's wrong, just that ~4 weeks post-covid, he has a fever, no appetite, runny nose, and is very teary/fragile and not at all himself.  That's a stress all its own.

At the same time, I am 200% burned out from the ongoing juggle, and also from the endless worry.  It's like every time I get DS up from his crib, it's a terrible choose your own adventure game.  What's his temp?  What symptoms today?  Which plans are going out the window now?  I'm on edge constantly.

Adding to it, H changed jobs starting 5/12.  At the time, DS was under two different quarantines for two different exposures, and was just before our household covid saga kicked off. H is on "probation" for the first 6 months of the new job, so he can only take very limited time off, plus he went from mostly WFH to mostly in office.  I was not excited about this move, but he wanted to, and I felt like I couldn't say no.  But, this leaves me bearing most of the childcare burden.  I also have the alpha career in the family from an earning and hours perspective, so that combination is unsustainable.  We have no family help, and in fact H's parents are causing us some significant stress on their own.  

I'm trying to exercise more, because that's my outlet.  But there just aren't enough hours in a day for everything.  I feel like the answer is always therapy or meds, but my issues are situational.  I need HELP.  I need RELIEF.  I need a manageable amount on my plate.  If I could just go to work, I'd be busy but ok.  But the illnesses and quarantines aren't allowing that to happen, or even allowing me to plan.

How are you all coping with this?  I'm already delegating at work, hiring house cleaners, that kind of stuff.  But with the specific nature of illness and quarantine, outside people aren't always a realistic solution.  e.g., our house cleaners haven't been here in 5 weeks because of covid in the house, and then working back into their schedule. 

If no solutions for me, please send coffee and hugs.

[wanderingback]

I’m sorry you’re having a hard time.
I see you seem resistant to meds and/or therapy because you think things are situational but then you said you’re on edge all the time. Therapy and/or meds don’t need to be forever, they can certainly help with situational issues and feeling on edge all (or most of the time). A lot of people are having a rough time right now due to the pandemic and life in general so don’t feel bad if you need to reach out for more professional help because being on edge all the time doesn’t have to be your norm. I hope you can find something that helps.

[purplepenguin7]

I'm so sorry Susie. I feel your pain (although not nearly as bad) as the alpha earner who also somehow has a more flexible work arrangment. I really really hate the "throw money at it answer" especially because for me that isn't feasible....but can you hire a babysitter for a few days at a time, maybe even a week? In my area there are typically several people willing to care for sick kids, with or without covid. There are all sorts of arrangements, even possibly someone just to come to your house for a few hours in the evening while you relax, catch up on work, work out, or whatever it is you need time for.

[minniemouse]

I’m so sorry, that’s a lot to deal with. I don’t have any answers for you. For what it’s worth, I had a lot of anxiety due to situational factors 2 years ago (pandemic shutdown, relationship issues etc) and went on generic Zoloft in April 2020. It helped take the edge off. Around August 2021 I went off it.

[countthestars]

I'm sorry you're struggling. I am also here to encourage you to try the meds. Like other posters said, it can be temporary (or not!) and may give you just what you need to get you through. ((hugs and coffee))

[sdlaura]

I can also identify with higher earner/more flexible, and my family all had COVID relatively recently. I will say that it now seems to be a very long time ago and some of the stress of that period has dissipated, and I hope that happens for you soon too. Beyond the good suggestions of PPs, I would take full advantage of the fact that your whole household just had COVID, so is unlikely to have it again very soon even if there are symptoms, and hire some help.

If you don't have a roster of help right now - I don't know what market you're in, but here I've had really good luck finding babysitters on Urban Sitter, which has a downloadable app. I love that there are lots of professional/full time sitters on there, and I can see their calendar and when they are available, as well as whether they've babysat for other people in the networks we enter (like our preschool or elementary district) and reviews from other parents. I posted what we were looking for, got a bunch of responses, then tried out several of the respondents for a couple hours at a time (like for an early dinner) to find a couple I liked. You could consider setting up regular help, too - like every Sunday afternoon - just to catch up and get a workout in. Hang in there!

Separately, does your school/daycare still require quarantine for every exposure? That seems nuts to me at this point in the pandemic. There's no way my kids would ever all be in school/childcare if that were the case!

[AdaraMarie]

Is it an option to try and hire a nanny so you don't have to worry about quarantines/exclusion from daycare? Solo weekend trip or hotel stay when your DH takes over all parenting and you get a break?
I'm sorry it's been so rough.

[waverly]

This IS situational Covid related and daycare related.

I don’t have answers to the 10 million daycare Covid quarantines. It’s ridiculous at this point.

All I can say is 1. Hang in there, you are switching daycares very soon. 2. Hang in there, Covid vaccines for that age cohort are coming soon. 3. Maybe a follow up appointment for the little one.

You were resistant to a nanny and honestly you might have missed the window. Having one in 2020- present might have been better than now given that vaccines are coming and you are switching daycares.

I was listening to a podcast where she was a partner at a law firm and had a household manager (older kids). I’m not saying did that BUT as you keep going up the ladder, dong be afraid to hire extra household help. Mothers helpers, babysitters, household helpers. Yes, they can’t come when you have Covid but support before and after.

4. Throw open the windows, get outside, and have the cleaners do a big clean. I like to fo that after we’ve been sick.

Daycares are Petri dishes in the best of times and DS was hospitalized at 7 months old from a daycare virus that turned into bronchiolitis. I really questioned my life choices. But as they get older it gets better. You know this because you have one that is school age.

Also your state has been overly restrictive with daycares and Covid quarantines. I can’t think of any other state that’s been as strict. Once they are vaccinated they don’t have to quarantine so that should hopefully be a big relief.

[sdlaura]

Oh, I forgot to mention my about-to-turn 2-year-old also had a scary virus about a month after he had COVID. It ended up being fine, but it was the first time I have ever been to the pediatrician 3 times in one week despite having 3 older kids. I was worried about the multi-system inflammatory thing, hepatitis, etc. and was calling the nurse line at midnight and everything. But it ended up that we just needed to keep up with ibuprofen/tylenol and now it's been another month and he's fine. It did turn into an ear infection so he needed antibiotics. Even though COVID was really mild for us, I think it did knock down the immune systems of my two little unvaccinated ones more than those of us who are old enough to be vaccinated. Luckily we have now all been really healthy since that initial month. I hope you all are soon, too!

[purplepenguin7]

Jun 10, 2022 13:49:04 GMT -5 sdlaura said:

I can also identify with higher earner/more flexible, and my family all had COVID relatively recently. I will say that it now seems to be a very long time ago and some of the stress of that period has dissipated, and I hope that happens for you soon too. Beyond the good suggestions of PPs, I would take full advantage of the fact that your whole household just had COVID, so is unlikely to have it again very soon even if there are symptoms, and hire some help.

If you don't have a roster of help right now - I don't know what market you're in, but here I've had really good luck finding babysitters on Urban Sitter, which has a downloadable app. I love that there are lots of professional/full time sitters on there, and I can see their calendar and when they are available, as well as whether they've babysat for other people in the networks we enter (like our preschool or elementary district) and reviews from other parents. I posted what we were looking for, got a bunch of responses, then tried out several of the respondents for a couple hours at a time (like for an early dinner) to find a couple I liked. You could consider setting up regular help, too - like every Sunday afternoon - just to catch up and get a workout in. Hang in there!

Separately, does your school/daycare still require quarantine for every exposure? That seems nuts to me at this point in the pandemic. There's no way my kids would ever all be in school/childcare if that were the case!

not Susie and don't want to derail her post but my daycare child has to quarantine for every exposure. The last time it was her teacher who still wears a mask so the teacher had to stay out but the kids could still attend.  But, I'm pretty sure we got COVID from that exposure so not sure what good that even did! 

[sdlaura]

Ugh purplepenguin7 I don't think my kids would have ever been all in school/childcare at the same time this spring if we were all still quarantining for every exposure! Our preschool was the last one in the area to end that requirement in early March.

[purplepenguin7]

also Susie , I just want to reitterate my post. I don't think you need a nanny. When I was in HS I used babysit a 8 or 9 year old, get her off the bus, feed her snacks and/or dinner, made sure she did her homework, etc. I think you just need someone like that either a HS or college kid to allevate you for a couple of hours a day. Take them outside if you have a backyard, set them up with little games or projects. I realize this adds to your mental burden of just having to find someone but I would really give it a try if you are able.

[Susie]

Trying to respond to a few here...

sdlaura, yes, my 3 yo has to quarantine for every exposure since he is not vaccinated (although he has a 90 day reprieve now because he just had covid).  My 6yo 1st grader does not, because she is vaccinated.  So, I am deeply, deeply hoping the FDA gets on board this month and we can get DS vaxxed ASAP.  Our current daycare director is also leading a push to reach out to our elected officials to advocate for test to stay protocols for daycare, like is available for school age kids.  I'm not saying that wouldn't be stressful, day to day testing is.  But it would def help.  All of these requirements are from NYS OCFS, they are not daycare-specific, so that's where a lot of the change needs to happen.

AdaraMarie, no, a nanny isn't a practical solution in our area, unfortunately.  I have a number of friends who have tried it through various nanny agencies/care.com/etc.  Everyone reports turnover every few months, and difficulty finding long term people.  Some have family help to pitch in when they are between nannies (we do not).  Others have turned to daycare (including our current one) as a better, more stable and reliable option.  So, that does not leave me optimistic that it would lower my stress.  We're also about to start a new daycare that we've spent 7 waitlisted years trying to get into, so I do want to give it a fair shot.  It is smaller than our current one, one classroom per age level, with no teachers crossing class to class, so I'm hopeful that maybe we might see fewer cases.  Time will tell.

Vaccination for DS will 100% help, if/when we can ever get there.  I've had a pretty low stress year w/r/t my vaxxed 6yo.  This has just been such an absolutely brutal winter/spring.  I've had some unique work stresses and challenges too, which has been tough timing.

I think a big barrier to entry for me as far as medicating anxiety, is that the #1 cause of my anxiety right now is that I don't have enough time for everything I need to do (for the kids, for work, etc.) under current conditions, and I'm overwhelmed.  I can't afford anything that puts me off my game, reduces my focus/concentration/efficiency.  That would only put me more behind, which would make me more anxious.  Can anyone speak to that?

[wanderingback]

Susie- you think that medication and/or therapy will make you not be able to focus? I think the exact opposite. Meds for anxiety like ssris (or snris) definitely can help with focus. In addition, therapy can give you specific strategies to help with focus. CBT is a process that can take place over a few sessions.

[osulori]

Susie, I'm so sorry you've had such a rough go of it. I'm so hoping that the daycare switch for S ends up being a great thing for all of you! I don't have enough experience with medicating for anxiety to speak to that, but would your PCP be willing to talk through possible side effects with different med options without scheduling an appointment? Even if it's over MyChart or whatever digital platform your doctor might use (if they use one), that way you could respond when you can versus carving time out for an in person/phone conversation or appointment. Then you could schedule that in person or telehealth visit if you feel like you're comfortable with the possible options. I know doctors operate differently with this stuff but that's where my head went.

Also, I know you said a nanny isn't an option right now and I 100% get that-I've heard nanny turnover is an issue in quite a few areas which sucks. How do you feel about finding a part time babysitter or mother's helper type person to basically supervise the kids so #1 is happy and #2 isn't trying to climb furniture, get into the knives, or draw on things with Sharpie (or whatever shenanigans he likes to cause)?

[tacokick]

I think CBT is really good for situational anxiety. My husband has done it twice over the years (related to job stress) and it worked wonders in very few sessions. It just really helped his mindset and way he reacted to things during stressful times.

I’m sorry you are having such a rough time. It’s awful when there is so much at once with no clear end in sight.

[ssmjlm]

I have to ask this, esp as someone is a similar boat in the family/professional dynamic, but what does your DH do to help when he is home? Have you all re-evaluated division labor since he took a less flexible job during the height of needing to be available for his family season of life?

We had 2 weeks notice in October that DH would be pulled back FT to the office while I was still only 1 day a week. But he knows as soon as he walks through the door, he's "on" and responsible for the dog and kid. When I log off, I'm back to helping, but since I do 100% of mornings solo, he gets the afternoons.


ETA: Right now I am not in a personal mindset to take anything either.  I'm sure someone will say my sister's addiction issues that ultimately killed her have nothing to do with my usage of medication, but right now, I don't have the mental space to address it and have otherwise attempted to control what I can, which is who does what in the house.

[mrsGreeko]

You’re situation has been utterly ridiculous. Hopefully the stop the ridiculous excessive quarantining of healthy people without covid soon. At least your little kid has a quarantine waiver for now. It was such a huge relief when my oldest got covid in January 2021 and she’d only been forced to do two back to back quarantines prior to that, but it took a huge toll on her. The rest of us didn’t have to do anything different so it didn’t affect us. Then we all had to quarantine when she had it. That nearly broke me because 24 days was too damn long. And no one else got covid so it was a waste of time.

In the meantime, if there’s not enough time that’s where you buy time (ie outsource everything you can to buy your item back). House cleaners, lawn care people, meal delivery, laundry, or hire a house keeper or household manager, etc etc etc. then take that extra time to do things to help yourself. And I think this is a perfect example of when therapy and/or meds would be helpful. I always felt like I didn’t have time for therapy. Then I found a therapist through my DHs EAP that didn’t require me to call to make an appointment and did teletherapy so I didn’t have to take the time commuting because that was all wasted time. I would urge you to see if you can find a similar situation.

And also can you find some kind of sick care for your kids? I know some companies offer it, but I think it’s possible to also find people willing to care for sick kids so you can work.

[plutosmoon]

This is very rough, you've had a lot on your plate, I'm sorry you've been dealing with all this. I hope you can get a break soon. I cannot believe 2+ years into this more daycares haven't adopted test and stay models, it's been a lifesaver to have that at school and aftercare (also a daycare). I think having a babysitter a few hours on a weekend would help you recharge and get some down time, I'd look into that as an option a few times a month.

I can't speak to therapy or meds, but I think a good doctor could help you find a med that doesn't impact focus/concentration.

I get how quickly it all burns you out, I am a single parent with no nearby family to help, so 100% of sick days fall on me, followed closely by me getting sick. I was out of the office half of february and have had at least a week sick every other month this year, DD is home sick again today. My DD is older, so more independent than a little, but the combination of her ASD and personality means she is constantly on top of me, so I have trouble getting anything accomplished when she's home. I just let crap slide I know I cannot do it all, so I don't. I do the bare minimum of chores, I make frozen pizza or pasta for dinner, I get the basics done at work and leave some bigger projects on the back burner. If I could afford home help, I'd use that in a second, outsource what you can afford to outsource. I delegate my work when I'm home sick with DD and don't even attempt to work when she is home sick, or when I get sick. I have amazing co-workers who have helped when I needed it, even if my boss seems annoyed sometimes with the absurd amount of sick time I have taken this year.

[ellipses84]

That is so hard. There were times when the kids were young and getting sick way more often where I felt like I just had to be a machine for the daily grind. DH and I hardly saw each other. It will get better as he gets older and your DH will settle into his job and figure out his flexibility.

In your case, I would try to find emergency backup care. Maybe not for when he’s really sick but for when he’s recovering and just can’t go back to daycare yet. I know this could be difficult to find, but a lot of people are in your situation and I’ve seen posts and lots of responses from babysitters in a local nanny groups. If you pay a higher rate than typical, people will do it. You can still WFH but get more done if you are uncomfortable with a stranger and they can wear a mask. There are also companies that hire services to do this. Also outsource anything you can for you and your DH, even if it’s a household helper who cleans up clutter/ organizes / meal preps. If he mows the lawn, hire someone and his lawn mowing time can be kid time on weekend so you can catch up. If you don’t like spending the money, agree to do it for 1 year to get past this period.

I tend to work remotely when the kids are sick and it can be frustratingly hard to juggle, so I can feel like I’m not doing either well and I’m being a crap mom and crap worker. Sometimes I just have to my kid is really sick and I cannot be available. Or I can only work half a day and shut off all work devices to catch up on life stuff.

I know this is all easier said than done, and figuring out backups takes time that falls on you too.

[minzy]

I would try for a high school kid to keep track of the kids periodically. Ask that kid to teach your kids to fold laundry or tidy the living room. You can get a little bit of a crease there perhaps. Getting that little crease can make all the difference for me sometimes when I am feeling overwhelmed. I know a high school counselor here keeps a list of interested kids and she actually reached out to me a few times to see if I or anyone I knew was interested in hiring her students.

I’m sorry with how stressful it is as a breadwinner in the “sandwich generation.” My situation isn’t exactly the same as yours but I feel pulled in many different directions, almost all of the time.

[Susie]

Jun 10, 2022 14:49:34 GMT -5 ssmjlm said:

I have to ask this, esp as someone is a similar boat in the family/professional dynamic, but what does your DH do to help when he is home? Have you all re-evaluated division labor since he took a less flexible job during the height of needing to be available for his family season of life?

It was a major condition of him changing roles, that I could not take on any of his previous responsibilities, and I would say he's held up his end of that.  He does all the food prep and grocery shopping, which is a big item off my plate.  He has kept that up, although there's a lot more pizza and burgers and hot dogs for the kids, and takeout now than before (I simultaneously understand and am not stoked about it, but am generally biting my tongue because at least it is not on my plate).  He is also in charge of coordinating with the house cleaners and paying/arranging that.  He also does the grass mowing (we have a large yard).  

The big exception is that now I'm absorbing a LOT of kid sick days that he used to cover, plus I've been to the dentist with DD this week, the pedi with DS last week (well visit), etc. etc.  That's the thing that's breaking me, and I'm not really sure how to regain balance on.  We talked about it before he committed to the job change, but we thought, well, it's April, summer's coming, there's less illness in summer so that will align with the probation period, it'll be ok.  And then the May covid wave hit concurrently with the new job, and I've been drowning ever since.  DS was quarantined or isolated from May 4-22, I was isolated until May 31, and now we're 10 days later and I have a sick kid again.

It'll get better eventually (DS will get vaxxed, and older and less susceptible to every little daycare bug, H's introductory probation period will end, etc.) but I have to make it that long!

[melmaria]

Jun 10, 2022 14:43:43 GMT -5 wanderingback said:

Susie- you think that medication and/or therapy will make you not be able to focus? I think the exact opposite. Meds for anxiety like ssris (or snris) definitely can help with focus. In addition, therapy can give you specific strategies to help with focus. CBT is a process that can take place over a few sessions.

I just want to second this from personal experience. I’ve struggled with anxiety my whole life, and Celexa combined with CBT really helped me. Including with focus.

I don’t have much else to offer besides hair pats. I feel like my H and I have only managed to function in Covid because of having a nanny (he and I both have “big” careers), but I know that’s already been addressed/not an option or desire for you.

I sincerely hope things get better for you with the new daycare + <5 vaccines coming at the end of the month.

[waverly]

In terms of kid appointments, I’ve become the expert at making them early in the morning or late in the afternoon. The pedi is only 9-5, but I’ll get the 4pm appointment. The dentist is open late one night a week and we’ll grab the 6pm appointments or occasionally the Saturday morning ones. I also space them out. No more than 1 per week (barring emergencies).

I’ve also made all my doctors, dentists etc close by. Maybe that’s normal already but we moved from about 30 minutes away, so I had to set everything up gradually. Now all appointments are 5 minutes from my house and their school.

If you do find a babysitter let’s say a college student for some evenings and weekends, we’ve definitely had our nanny take them to the dentist.

It can seem overwhelming but there are always lots of posts by college students DS home for the summer in my area. Take one Saturday abc interview 3 and go from there. Give them some regular hours so they have a reason to come back. We even just did every Saturday for 4 hours a week flat rate.

[statgirl]

I have a lot of situational anxiety and have been off/on Zoloft during major transitory times in my life. I would consider a SSRI (one that is not known for hard weaning off) and plan to try it for a few months. If the side effects are not for you, I would discontinue and try another. I can’t do Lexapro (one day was enough to realize that) but Zoloft helps when I am overwhelmed by giving me my focus back.

I would also outsource what you can—laundry service seems like one that might help since your husband does some of the food and cleaning scheduling.

Any preteens/early teens in your life periphery who can come on weekends to do child watching while you catch up on work? Or designate your husband one weekend day and you the other for your stuff?

I don’t do therapy because I have never benefited but I know a good therapist can help.

[cricketwife]

I’m sorry you are struggling.  I don’t disagree that you have a lot on your plate and have had to deal with A LOT.  However, I’m not sure that it’s truly all situational and that getting the 3 yo vaxed will be the magic bullet. Your post history has been wrought with stress even pre-Covid.  Your mother’s death, the family Thanksgivings after her death, the 5987 issues at your daycare, the selling house/moving, and those are just a few highlights off the top of my head.  All of those are/were very real, stressful, and some of them truly sad situations. No one argues or denies that. Your feelings and stress are real and valid.  My point is that it will always be something and you need some help.  Yet, you seem resistant to the most obvious suggestions - nanny/babysitters and meds. I encourage you to give yourself some time (ha! I know you don’t have any!) to think about this— if meds or therapy have the possibility of helping me is it worth trying?  I can decide that I don’t like them/don’t want to continue at any time.  Sometimes, we need time to sit with an idea that we don’t like initially. 

[hocus2]

Actually I was in this exact situation.

I did the following:
Found an outlet I could from home
Did monthly therapy to define the issues and tackle them
Partnered with my spouse to both feel more connected and also to load balance. During the week maybe YOU can't load balance but then one weekends he can be giving you a rest.
Threw money at problems so I had more free time. Like sending out laundry, ordinger groceries which is more expensive, having an extra session from my cleaning person. If it DOESN'T need to be done by me and I can find someone to do it I am offloading.
Let a ton of stuff go - just like stopped doing it.

[SusanBAnthony]

I would consider hiring a morning or dinner helper. Specifically look for someone who is ok coming as long as you aren't actually symptomatic (ie will come during exposure quarantine).

Have them either come 6-9 am, do breakfast, dishes, packing for the day and getting the kids to school/daycare, and then an hour of light housekeeping. Or come 3-7 and to the reverse.

That way you can put in a longer uninterrupted day, or if there is a mildly sick or quarantined kid you have a 3 hour chunk of time.

We did this with a homeschooled high school kid in our neighborhood. She also took DD to a weekly speech appointment during the time she worked. Not having the stress in the morning of getting the kids out the door and coming home to a clean kitchen was priceless.

[dcn]

I went for a long time dismissing taking meds bc my anxiety was situational and I’d be better once xyz happened. That was all well and good until Covid, leaving a job, a move 3 hours away, and a house purchase all happened within a year. I had been struggling g with focus and patience and then started having heart palpitations and what I think were panic attacks. I finally talked to my doc about it and started Zoloft and it has helped SO MUCH. I still feel stress and anxiety but my brain is calmer so I can actually apply the tools I have. I also sleep better so am not running on empty all the time.

[mofongo]

Even if it’s situational, two years is a long time.