The difference between your situation and OP’s is that you hadn’t cut off all communication with your mother for many years before you just sent her for a week. The only interaction they’ve had in years turned out terribly. Also, you’re closer to your mother logistically, if I remember correctly. OP cannot drive over and check on things. And putting a 13 yo in a potentially tense/unpleasant situation, and relying on them to deal with it on their own for an entire week seems like a lot.
Perhaps they can build a relationship first, but your situation is very different from OP’s.
Of course. I wasn't trying to say it's the same thing at all and I did mention only if she thought it was safe. If grandma is going to spend every waking hour tormenting the child, then no of course don't send her. But grandma also behaved normally with the OP on a recent trip so only the OP knows what living with grandma is like on a daily basis. I was thinking from the point of view of 13 year old me curious to spend a week with a grandparent that I don't know much about. Adult me will never know what it might have been like because I will never have that chance again. OP did mention she was going to talk to her daughter first about the situation.
I also question helping my children/any children have a relationship with someone they see treating their mom/parent badly. Abusive people can be kind and loving to others in their life. But you (general “you” not aiming this at you) are then helping re enforce that abusive relationships are ok.
My mother is a completely different person, in a good way, to my kids. She cares a lot about them and their happiness and their opinions. She goes out of her way to be an amazing grandmother to them. However, she still doesn't care about any of that when it comes to me and is still awful to me. Fine whatever, at least my kids think she's awesome.
I would consider sending her, assuming it is safe to do so (based on what I've read, it seems like it would be).
It seems like a big risk to send a 13 yr old child off to the granny, who the op knows is speaking badly about her now on the chance granny will be kindly to the ops daughter.
There are a LOT of other ways for kids to learn about their family and relationships and history without potentially putting them in harms way.
Also, it sends a strange and conflicting message that a person is really kind to one person or group and a total shit bag to another..especially if that other person is supposedly a person of importance, like a mom.
The difference between your situation and OP’s is that you hadn’t cut off all communication with your mother for many years before you just sent her for a week. The only interaction they’ve had in years turned out terribly. Also, you’re closer to your mother logistically, if I remember correctly. OP cannot drive over and check on things. And putting a 13 yo in a potentially tense/unpleasant situation, and relying on them to deal with it on their own for an entire week seems like a lot.
Perhaps they can build a relationship first, but your situation is very different from OP’s.
Of course. I wasn't trying to say it's the same thing at all and I did mention only if she thought it was safe. If grandma is going to spend every waking hour tormenting the child, then no of course don't send her. But grandma also behaved normally with the OP on a recent trip so only the OP knows what living with grandma is like on a daily basis. I was thinking from the point of view of 13 year old me curious to spend a week with a grandparent that I don't know much about. Adult me will never know what it might have been like because I will never have that chance again. OP did mention she was going to talk to her daughter first about the situation.
I don’t mean to minimize your situation. It is complex, and what you’re dealing with is also complicated and involves many feelings, all very valid.
But my point still stands that this is completely different. Yes, OP will talk to her DD. However, this is not a “just ship the kiddo over and hope this magically works itself out” situation. At least not right now. With some work, perhaps they can get there, despite the distance.
And perhaps surficially the visit went ok, but then the OP received some horrific communication about herself and her family. That’s not what I would consider a “good visit” and definitely not appropriate to just sent her DD without some more work on the relationship prior to an unsupervised week long visit with a virtual stranger with bad possibilities.
It’s ok that you have your feelings about regret, and I’m glad you mentioned your experiences to op. I just happen to disagree about the jumping right into part. That’s all. And really, thank you for sharing your experience. It’s hard to do, especially with a difficult experience.
I don’t think sending a kid off for a week with a virtual stranger who is convinced that OP doesn’t love the kid or the kid’s father is in any way, shape, or form “safe.”
Post by foundmylazybum on Jun 27, 2022 14:07:14 GMT -5
Just a thought: I feel like this an amazing illustration of the concept that it is TOTALLY OK to have or make a plan and then realize something is off about it, get more information or just freaking change your mind and change the plan.
The op made the plan with granny at the time with the knowledge and judgment she had at that moment and now she has MORE INFO.
No need to feel bad or explain why you chose the plan. Now you want to change it.
Thank you for all the perspectives! To Sent’s point, my daughter would be physically safe and likely doted on. Really, that is part of the dilemma as it is my mom’s way of getting an in so to speak (cooking, buying things for you, etc.) But then if your reactions are not up to par, she is emotionally abusive. Hearing other’s opinions has really helped me sort through my feelings on the issue. I think my daughter has similar feelings as Sent in terms of wanting to know her better. I had a super close relationship with my own grandmother and so wish that for my daughter. My mother in law (who was great) passed away a few years ago and so that relationship isn’t available to her. I think if I choose to move forward, it will be in a baby step way versus this particular trip.
Of course. I wasn't trying to say it's the same thing at all and I did mention only if she thought it was safe. If grandma is going to spend every waking hour tormenting the child, then no of course don't send her. But grandma also behaved normally with the OP on a recent trip so only the OP knows what living with grandma is like on a daily basis. I was thinking from the point of view of 13 year old me curious to spend a week with a grandparent that I don't know much about. Adult me will never know what it might have been like because I will never have that chance again. OP did mention she was going to talk to her daughter first about the situation.
I don’t mean to minimize your situation. It is complex, and what you’re dealing with is also complicated and involves many feelings, all very valid.
But my point still stands that this is completely different. Yes, OP will talk to her DD. However, this is not a “just ship the kiddo over and hope this magically works itself out” situation. At least not right now. With some work, perhaps they can get there, despite the distance.
And perhaps surficially the visit went ok, but then the OP received some horrific communication about herself and her family. That’s not what I would consider a “good visit” and definitely not appropriate to just sent her DD without some more work on the relationship prior to an unsupervised week long visit with a virtual stranger with bad possibilities.
It’s ok that you have your feelings about regret, and I’m glad you mentioned your experiences to op. I just happen to disagree about the jumping right into part. That’s all. And really, thank you for sharing your experience. It’s hard to do, especially with a difficult experience.
Agree sofamonkey- clearly my assessment of how the visit went was not correct. I am hesitant to send my child into that environment in case it goes poorly.
I - admittedly - have strong feelings about this because I have a somewhat parallel situation happening within my own family. I struggle to stomach the idea of my kid developing a bond with people who I know have been deeply abusive to others within the family. But, it’s tricky as fuck in real life for so many reasons. I can draw my line but I have to admit that the line is gray and full of holes because it’s complex.
For now, my stance is that my kid is not allowed near those known capable of physical abuse. She is not left alone with anyone who is known to inflict emotional abuse. I don’t outright block the relationships but I don’t foster them, either. To me, it’s immaterial if it’s been directed to her or not; the potential exists for it to be turned on her and that’s a big no from me.
Big hugs to you!! It is such a tough place to be in especially when you are trying to break the pattern. I struggle with the same things.