Post by expectantsteelerfan on Jun 27, 2022 16:55:53 GMT -5
*Edited because I'm an idiot. Sorry, I after reading through everything I realized that my question was not actually what I meant to ask and I feel the need to clarify, because obviously if you have a neurodivergent kid, you set realistic goals for them and then you celebrate them when they reach those goals. And if my ds had honestly put forth his best effort in school this year and a C in social studies was the best he could do, I would be celebrating his report card just as much as I was celebrating dd's. *
**Edited one more time because I need to do some more reflecting and research on what 'effort' and 'motivation' look like in terms of ADHD so I'm going to step away from this post now.
If you have kids of differing academic abilities, do you try to celebrate them equally even if their successes aren't 'equal'? Like if one has a traditional academic success, do you try set a personalized goal for your other child that they can achieve so that you can celebrate that as a success as well so that they aren't left out?
Brought to you by the fact that my kids' report cards were posted today. I have a ds with ADHD who struggles a bit with school. He CAN do the work, but often chooses not to, either because he doesn't want to, or because he is struggling to focus on it (he does have a 504 plan and accommodations). He does well in the subjects he likes and is interested in, and struggles through the classes he doesn't enjoy and has no interest in. He ended up with A's in Math, Sciences, Band, Tech Ed, Art and Gym, B's in Lang. Arts and German, and C's in Social Studies and Speech. Social Studies was the real struggle with him having to redo almost every assignment because he didn't fully complete it/follow directions and I was trying to push him to try to bring his grade up at the end of the marking period, but he didn't end up redoing several assignments that he could have and just accepted the C. He also could have brought his German grade up if he had redone some stuff.
My dd is a typical overachiever type and had all A's on her report card with glowing comments from all teachers.
I didn't make a huge deal out of either report cared, but I did tell dd that hers she should feel good about and that we could go out for ice cream to celebrate.
Dh was like, we can go out to celebrate ds's report card too, and I was like why? It wasn't like I was going to take dd out and not get ds ice cream, but the point was to celebrate dd's accomplishment this time. I told ds I didn't think his report card was quite up to celebrating standards but if he brought home one with all A's and B's then we'd celebrate that, and now dh is mad at me and wants me to set more realistic goals for ds. I'm curious what others do.
Damn. Telling your neurodivergent kid whose report card has mostly As but two Cs that his report card isn't worth celebrating is certainly a choice.
I am not a parent, but I also have ADHD and I am with your husband on this. Your daughter has all As but it seems like that comes pretty effortlessly for her. Your son has mostly As, but has to work probably twice as hard. They need different standards of measurement, because they are not the same. It is fine to celebrate your daughter's accomplishments - you should! She deserves that! But it definitely could have been handled with more grace and thoughtfulness, IMO.
Post by underwaterrhymes on Jun 27, 2022 17:04:40 GMT -5
I celebrate their academic accomplishments equally. K has anxiety and will always have to work harder at school than N. But he’s creative and empathetic and those things matter too, so rather than celebrate individual report cards or grades or whatever, we just say, “yay! We are so proud of you both,” regardless of what their individual grades are. We celebrate them rather than their accomplishments.
Post by MixedBerryJam on Jun 27, 2022 17:04:57 GMT -5
Something like report cards, I would celebrate both or neither. Some kind of individual thing, like one won the science fair, one participated in the science fair but didn’t win an award, I’d celebrate the one, making sure that, over time, the celebrations worked out to be somewhat equivalent.
I would not celebrate an all As card and poohpooh an As &Cs card.
I was your DD growing up. I don't recall my parents ever making much fuss over my grades, other to say that they are proud of me. They definitely didn't reward my grades and then tell my brother that he was only getting the reward to celebrate ME, not himself because he can do better LOL.
I now have one kid for whom academics come easily, and another with multiple learning disabilities. We celebrated the end of school and the hard work they put in, not either of their specific grades. They are both doing their best, even though their best looks different from the other one's best.
Post by sugarbear1 on Jun 27, 2022 17:12:32 GMT -5
You absolutely figure out how to celebrate both kids. Your son is neurodivergent. As and Bs may not always be realistic -- and given the challenges associated with ADHD, your son's report card IS worth celebrating. Good LORD.
Why celebrate something that comes easy to a kid? I'd have been far MORE likely to celebrate my ND kid's C's than my naturally overachieving kid's As.
Post by mysteriouswife on Jun 27, 2022 17:15:25 GMT -5
We celebrate both kids finishing the school year. I’m definitely team H on this. The thought of seeing my son confused on why my daughter gets celebrated makes me sad. DS will never be A honor roll. And that’s okay. He will be skirting by with a thin hair. He still finishes his school year.
Holy shit. I get it, I really do: the smart kid whose low grades are due to not turning stuff in, losing assignments, being late, etc., is frustrating as hell. My son is still doing this kind of stuff in college (but to a MUCH smaller degree. He’s actually killing it in college) and I’m not going to pretend it’s not annoying.
It’s one thing to celebrate your daughter’s hard work and success, but it’s really nasty to state that his good grades are not “celebration worthy.”
Post by definitelyO on Jun 27, 2022 17:18:44 GMT -5
Did your son put in effort in his classes ? sounds like even though he didn't do the extra work or turn in the pages you wanted him to, that he tried and maybe in his mind he did put in the effort - so you should celebrate him. Not the As. and in the long run - is the C or lack of perceived effort going to matter? or will it matter that he got to be celebrated as well? what will stick with him more? your support or his lack of straight As?
My brother had ADHD and tourettes and struggled. School was easy for me. Growing up I got grounded for an A- and he got paid $ for C and above.... so that's how that one went in our house...
I understand you're frustrated that your son chose to not redo a few assignments but I think you also need to realize he most likely is putting in just as much effort if not more than your daughter. You said he had to redo almost every assignment all marking period as it was.
Please remember a C is an average grade. For him to be right in the middle with his challenges is huge and worth celebrating!
I'm also really sad for the relationship of resentment you're going to create between your kids if you continue this way. It goes beyond ruining your own relationship with your son. I hope you'll reconsider how you're approaching this. There is so much more to life than good grades in school.
My kids don’t get letter grades yet. However, we will celebrate everyone’s effort, not necessarily the results. As long as kids are trying and didn’t completely blow things off for let themselves fall apart, we will celebrate that.
It’s like a running race. You don’t only celebrate first place. If someone worked hard just to finish, you celebrate the fact that they finished.
Also, to date, we haven’t ever really had a special celebration for report card results. Nor do I remember doing this growing up. I mean, maybe we’ll go out for ice cream or something to celebrate the end of the year once in a while, but I don’t think I will tie this to report cards at all, in our case.
Post by thebreakfastclub on Jun 27, 2022 17:24:05 GMT -5
No two kids are ever going to go thru life doing the same things at equal level of success. I'd suggest you meet both your kids where they are and be proud of the path each took, even if not perfect.
Celebrate both or neither. Or something that’s neutral to both, like finishing the school year.
As a general rule, my parents celebrated effort, not results. And CERTAINLY not grades (because they wanted us to challenge ourselves and maybe get a B rather than always pick the easy classes).
Also, I was a typically high-achieving kid, and as an adult was just diagnosed with ADHD. As a kid I struggled with perfectionism, self-worth, and academic anxiety. So just because your daughter appears NT, she may not be…and you might want to start celebrating her effort over her achievements because at some point it’s going to be important.
I struggle with thus as well. I have one kid who cares a whole lot about being rewarded for achievements and is constantly feeling slighted even when it’s not true.
In addition her younger sister is just naturally better at everything! 😩 They are both smart but the younger one just has everything come easily. She is more athletic, faster swimmer, more socially adept, etc.
This school year the younger one got invited to join a math league that my older one wanted so desperately to be a part of when she was that age but her scores in math aren’t high enough. And then the younger one won 2nd place!!
I still don’t know what to do. Of course we want to celebrate the younger one but how do I do that without rubbing it in my older ones face?
So I have no advice clearly but can definitely commiserate!
Oh wow I didn’t read the whole post before I commented.
I would just go out as a family for ice cream to celebrate the end of the school year. Everyone had a big year and worked hard on something and let’s celebrate the beginning of summer - yay! I don’t think report cards have to be a part of it at all.
Maybe rebrand the ice cream outing as an "end of school year" celebration, and use the summer to come up with a better plan for fairly celebrating your children's efforts.
Post by purplinsky on Jun 27, 2022 17:37:00 GMT -5
Ouch! I'm not one to think every kid needs a trophy and all that, but both your kids worked hard for their grades and your reaction to you DS is really harsh and unfair. Team H for sure.
Post by penguingrrl on Jun 27, 2022 17:37:57 GMT -5
Holy hell, your son likely worked at least as hard as your daughter to overcome his ADHD and get the grades he did. As someone with two ND kids this post really hurts to read.
My mom also never ever told us each other’s grades, and my kids have no clue how their siblings are doing in school. It’s not their business at all. We do a celebratory ice cream the last day of school, but it’s to celebrate the end of the year and everyone’s hard work.
I barely mention the academic grades but focus all my attention on the effort grades and personal and social development grades.
And as a special education teacher and a parent of two children (one where school comes much more easily than the other), I agree with nearly all of the comments above.
Post by expectantsteelerfan on Jun 27, 2022 17:40:52 GMT -5
Thank you all for the reality check. I really struggle with ds because I do not have ADHD myself and I struggle to find the balance between pushing him to achieve to his intelligent ability and accommodating his struggles, and he definitely will indulge ANY slack that I cut him due to having ADHD because he doesn't seem to care at all about his grades even though he claims to want to go to college (he's almost 13 and going into 8th grade). I also struggle because I don't feel like I have a quite realistic grasp on IF his grades at this point actually matter, because I KNOW the grade themselves don't, but tracking due to the grades has started already and he has already lost opportunities for some classes etc. because of the track he's on due to his grades. But yeah, getting him to put effort into his school work is a big source of frustration for me, so my first instinct was not to celebrate that, but obviously that was off the mark. We will go out and celebrate the end of school.
I don’t have kids but we had a similar situation growing up. My brother is one of the most intelligent people I have ever met. While I also did well in school there was certain subjects I really struggled with. All my parents expected was that we did our best so in math classes an A- was bad for my brother but a B was excellent for me and they praised it.
I was already well aware that I wasn’t “as smart” as my brother, I didn’t need my parents highlighting it even more.