Oof. I don’t want to pile on but I do get the feeling that you have a hard time relating to your son sometimes. You’ve posted here a long time and seem receptive to feedback so hopefully you’ll hear this thread. It’s great that he has a therapist and a strong network to count on but maybe it would help you to do the same?
IMO I think his grades are great and reflect his interests. My daughter is the same. She loves math and science and they come easily to her. She will take advanced classes in junior high for them and she’s excited to do so. Social studies is boring for her. It’s harder and her grades reflect it because it’s not a strong interest. She is not taking the advanced option for that or ELA because she doesn’t want to nor would it be the best option for her. But you know what? Despite her grades she probably works hardest in ELA. She has dysgraphia so writing is extremely hard for her. I celebrate it all equally. I know she works hard. Your son does, too. With ADHD just getting through the day can be a challenge. Add in end of year stress and it’s no surprise he couldn’t do the extra work. Let him be who he is. He just needs support and understanding.
I would suggest looking for an ADHD “coach”. We have one for our 11 yo DS, and really love her. She’s kind of like a therapist in that he can talk through his struggles with her, but she specializes in helping ADHD kids with their executive functioning and motivation She, herself, has ADHD (as well as her kids) so she’s seen it all. FWIW, she says that grades in middle school are crap and account for nothing, and we should not think twice about any grade issues, especially at this age.
Damn. Telling your neurodivergent kid whose report card has mostly As but two Cs that his report card isn't worth celebrating is certainly a choice.
I am not a parent, but I also have ADHD and I am with your husband on this. Your daughter has all As but it seems like that comes pretty effortlessly for her. Your son has mostly As, but has to work probably twice as hard. They need different standards of measurement, because they are not the same. It is fine to celebrate your daughter's accomplishments - you should! She deserves that! But it definitely could have been handled with more grace and thoughtfulness, IMO.
My problem is that while there are times that ds does have to work harder than dd, he often isn't willing to. If he had shown any effort towards the end of the year to redo any of the assignments that were incomplete in social studies (that I reminded him about daily, offered to help with, offered to take him in early to get help from his teacher with, etc.) he would have easily brought his C in social studies up to a B and I would have celebrated that B just as loudly (if not more so) than all of dd's A's. I guess it all comes back down to my issue with not knowing how to deal with lack of motivation. I struggled with this as a teacher when I taught full time too. I really didn't know how to reach the kids who just didn't care and didn't want to put in any effort at all, and now I've got one of those kids. So rewarding one kid for having the motivation to put in the effort (because she really does) when the other doesn't was a misguided attempt to motivate him because I am still clueless on how to make him care.
Wait. I completely missed this on first read. You were a teacher? Treating kids like this? I’m not usually one to pile on at all however this is horrifically negligent teaching. Did you seek other learning skills on Professional Development Days knowing you didn't know how to help students who you thought didn’t care? This sounds so much like my sons past year of school not feeling good enough for his teacher and an anxious and depression riddled mess this past month.
Post by foundmylazybum on Jun 28, 2022 0:23:48 GMT -5
I remember when you posted about how you didn't want to get the Christmas decorations your son wanted because they were colored lights that didn't go along with your theme of all white.
Honest question:
Do you even like your son because it seems like you don't. You say some SHIT about him and it's mean! "Why would we take him out to ice cream? There's nothing to celebrate?" DAMN.
I remember when you posted about how you didn't want to get the Christmas decorations your son wanted because they were colored lights that didn't go along with your theme of all white.
Honest question:
Do you even like your son because it seems like you don't. You say some SHIT about him and it's mean! "Why would we take him out to ice cream? There's nothing to celebrate?" DAMN.
That seems ways harsh asking the OP if she likes her son.
OP needs to do better and learn more but I don’t think we need to get to the point where we are asking if she even likes her kid. Hopefully she will take all the resources and advice she has received in this thread but asking that question isn’t helpful at all.
I remember when you posted about how you didn't want to get the Christmas decorations your son wanted because they were colored lights that didn't go along with your theme of all white.
Honest question:
Do you even like your son because it seems like you don't. You say some SHIT about him and it's mean! "Why would we take him out to ice cream? There's nothing to celebrate?" DAMN.
That seems ways harsh asking the OP if she likes her son.
OP needs to do better and learn more but I don’t think we need to get to the point where we are asking if she even likes her kid. Hopefully she will take all the resources and advice she has received in this thread but asking that question isn’t helpful at all.
Yeah, so this isn't the first disturbing post related to her son and also, as others have already mentioned, there are aspects of doubling down, ableism and a clear misunderstandings about differences, motivation, what defines intelligence etc,
And..eh, idk. I DO think it's pretty shitty to look at your kid and say, "nothing to celebrate."
Nothing? Really? I mean that's not even true but that's what she saw and it's hurtful to me, and I'm not her kid! Her husband pointed it out and she doubled down!
I'm all for trying to help people out, but honestly the POST is harsh. Like startlingly so. I'm glad she's taking a step back to think about it.
I'm most likely not going to reconsider my stance on how hurtful it is.
I like what one poster said about grades not being shared between siblings and keeping them private. Celebrate the end of the year with both of them for trying so hard. I am really curious if people think parents shouldn’t do anything, including in private, to acknowledge a great achievement by the daughter. The reason why I ask is because growing up I was the daughter, and I have a very vivid memory of me taping my report card to the fridge and then my mom taking it down. I was told that because my younger brother struggles with school, it would make him feel bad about himself to acknowledge that I got good grades. He was a super star athlete and the fridge would always have his sports stuff from the paper and I didn’t really understand how it was okay to celebrate those talents of his but not my academic talents. Overall it made me feel like my accomplishments weren’t as important and also that being proud of myself wasn’t okay. This whole incident, and some related ones as a result, were on my list to discuss with my therapist today even before this post so it was really helpful to read all these perspectives (and I’ve always felt all along that my parents were trying their best / had good intentions). I do see a lot of people’s points about how both accomplishments are worth celebrating. I only have 1 kid so I don’t have to worry about the balance between siblings but I am curious how others would and do handle this multi sibling dynamic. It would have meant so much to hear from my parents, even in private but also more publicly as well, some validation for the work it took to achieve the goal. I’m not sure how to balance that “correctly” in a sibling environment. I know as parents we are supposed to praise the effort not the outcome with our younger kids but when do you acknowledge and praise accomplishing the actual goal, if ever? Perhaps it just goes back to the idea that grades are private?
[mention]boiler717 [/mention] I completely understand your point of view. I definitely think that accomplishments should be celebrated, but I think it’s really important to pick the RIGHT accomplishment.
Setting a goal, working hard toward it, and achieving it, should definitely be celebrated! Heck, even working toward a goal and falling short despite best effort should be celebrated! But I don’t think that good grades by themselves should be. Just celebrating or rewarding the grades themselves can lead to a child feeling their worth is tied to the result, and can cause a feeling of worthlessness if they don’t achieve the result.
Post by underwaterrhymes on Jun 28, 2022 6:29:08 GMT -5
boiler717 - we celebrate our individual kids, but we do it as organically as we can.
Maybe we are celebrating a beautiful picture they drew someone just because. Or a super creative craft they came up with independently. Or maybe we are cheering because one brother helped the other. Or because they showed empathy for someone else.
Sometimes it might be an academic achievement, but it’s relative to where they’re at. Our kids are in dual language and Spanish has been very hard for K because learning it when we were remote was next to impossible for him. We got him a tutor and he’s doing much better so we are recognizing that, but we met him where he was at, rather than asking him to come to us.
Another example - neither kid is particularly athletic, so they’re never going to be winning races, but we still celebrate accomplishments in relation to them as individuals as opposed to where they stand in relation to others.
I’m not an “every kid gets a trophy” parent, but I am a parent who believes that every kid is doing great things and celebrating those things is super important.
I like what one poster said about grades not being shared between siblings and keeping them private. Celebrate the end of the year with both of them for trying so hard. I am really curious if people think parents shouldn’t do anything, including in private, to acknowledge a great achievement by the daughter. The reason why I ask is because growing up I was the daughter, and I have a very vivid memory of me taping my report card to the fridge and then my mom taking it down. I was told that because my younger brother struggles with school, it would make him feel bad about himself to acknowledge that I got good grades. He was a super star athlete and the fridge would always have his sports stuff from the paper and I didn’t really understand how it was okay to celebrate those talents of his but not my academic talents. Overall it made me feel like my accomplishments weren’t as important and also that being proud of myself wasn’t okay. This whole incident, and some related ones as a result, were on my list to discuss with my therapist today even before this post so it was really helpful to read all these perspectives (and I’ve always felt all along that my parents were trying their best / had good intentions). I do see a lot of people’s points about how both accomplishments are worth celebrating. I only have 1 kid so I don’t have to worry about the balance between siblings but I am curious how others would and do handle this multi sibling dynamic. It would have meant so much to hear from my parents, even in private but also more publicly as well, some validation for the work it took to achieve the goal. I’m not sure how to balance that “correctly” in a sibling environment. I know as parents we are supposed to praise the effort not the outcome with our younger kids but when do you acknowledge and praise accomplishing the actual goal, if ever? Perhaps it just goes back to the idea that grades are private?
I don’t know and when I first responded before reading the entire post this topic is what I thought the thread was going to be about.
How do I celebrate my math winner without rubbing it in the face of my older kid? And shouldn’t she get to be vocally excited and proud even if it makes her sister feel bad? But then what do I do about her sister?
Ugh it’s all so hard and I was an only child so have no personal experience to draw from.
I like what one poster said about grades not being shared between siblings and keeping them private. Celebrate the end of the year with both of them for trying so hard. I am really curious if people think parents shouldn’t do anything, including in private, to acknowledge a great achievement by the daughter. The reason why I ask is because growing up I was the daughter, and I have a very vivid memory of me taping my report card to the fridge and then my mom taking it down. I was told that because my younger brother struggles with school, it would make him feel bad about himself to acknowledge that I got good grades. He was a super star athlete and the fridge would always have his sports stuff from the paper and I didn’t really understand how it was okay to celebrate those talents of his but not my academic talents. Overall it made me feel like my accomplishments weren’t as important and also that being proud of myself wasn’t okay. This whole incident, and some related ones as a result, were on my list to discuss with my therapist today even before this post so it was really helpful to read all these perspectives (and I’ve always felt all along that my parents were trying their best / had good intentions). I do see a lot of people’s points about how both accomplishments are worth celebrating. I only have 1 kid so I don’t have to worry about the balance between siblings but I am curious how others would and do handle this multi sibling dynamic. It would have meant so much to hear from my parents, even in private but also more publicly as well, some validation for the work it took to achieve the goal. I’m not sure how to balance that “correctly” in a sibling environment. I know as parents we are supposed to praise the effort not the outcome with our younger kids but when do you acknowledge and praise accomplishing the actual goal, if ever? Perhaps it just goes back to the idea that grades are private?
I don’t know and when I first responded before reading the entire post this topic is what I thought the thread was going to be about.
How do I celebrate my math winner without rubbing it in the face of my older kid? And shouldn’t she get to be vocally excited and proud even if it makes her sister feel bad? But then what do I do about her sister?
Ugh it’s all so hard and I was an only child so have no personal experience to draw from.
I think it boils down to what others have said-- the celebrations are for individual achievements and never a comparison. Instead of celebrating the specific number of As on the report card, a celebration of a successful school year.
In the OPs example, both of those kids-- not just her daughter--had a great school year and did wonderfully-- that's the celebration.
No one is saying achievements shouldn't be celebrated. It's comparing what success looks like and/or punishing/not including a sibling in a celebration is where it's going sideways.
In case anyone is interested, after sleeping on it for the night, this is the post that stuck with me the most and shaped my thinking, and my main conclusions are that:
A: In my family we should not be celebrating report cards. It was a stupid, impulsive decision and one that I won't suggest again.
B. In my family, we should also look at report cards individually in the future instead of altogether. It is likely that my kids are going to continue to have report cards that say different things, and looking at them together and comparing them is likely to set up comparison and resentment between them and perpetuate my habit of comparing them (that needs to stop), so even though my kids tend to do everything together and I don't think much of it, now that I've thought about this, it is something that needs to change because it has the potential to stop future hurt.
C. Effort and motivation in terms of ADHD is a complicated issue. This is something that I still need to do more research and thinking on. I will look at the video linked in a post previously, but I'm not in a space to do it now. I do think part of it is needing to know your kid. I DO understand that general daily school life takes more effort for my ds and he has less left to give at the end of the day when I'm asking him to redo assignments. But I also believe there are times he could do better if he wanted to. BUT, I do realize that when I saw his C in Social Studies, what I SHOULD have done is ask him 'how do you feel about that grade?' and accepted his answer because they are HIS grades.
A few other comments just to address other things...
Those were his overall final grades, so for classes he took all year, so some of them were only a quarter long, which is why he had so many classes (i.e. a quarter of tech ed, then a quarter of speech, etc.).
I do love my son. I will openly admit that at times I struggle to relate to him because I don't always understand him. He is often foreign to me in a way I never really expected as a parent. I certainly get mad at my dd and don't like things she does at times, but I always understand them, so I don't tend to post about them in an emotional mess. I often feel lost at how best to parent my ds, and I worry that I am making the wrong choices for him, and that in making those choices I'm shaping his future in a way that's going to have irreparable impact because at 13 I have more influence on his life than I thought I would as a parent, but I am trying to do my best, and I do love him and want what's best for him.
My emotions definitely got the better of me as I was posting last night and I did not express myself clearly. I did find things to comment on when going over ds's report card to celebrate with him and tell him I was proud of him for or that he should be proud about, but I let my feelings of annoyance about his Social Studies grade and his lack of perceived effort at the end of the marking period color my overall interpretation of it and my entire post. I also deal with dd feeling overshadowed because I spend so much of my time/effort trying to help ds because she doesn't need the same attention, but again, need to separate the attention for them sometimes.
When I said I need to temper my expectations about his future, I meant I just need to keep it realistic. And that has to do with the area we live in and the expectations of the school district and peer pressure (from my own peers). Growing up here, kids often don't think that going to a technical school is even an option, but for my ds it is, and that might actually be a fantastic option for him, so I want to be realistic about it for him.
And yes, I was a teacher. And yes, I struggled as a teacher as I often struggle as a parent. I often felt like a failure as a teacher because I couldn't reach students and motivate them in the way I wanted to. I did do professional development, reach out to my mentors and coworkers, reach out to parents, reach out to administrators, do my own research, try different things, etc. I do understand that it doesn't matter whether a student is labeled neurotypical or neurodivergent, as a teacher you meet them where they are and go from there, and most of the (deserved) outrage in the responses in the posts in this thread are coming from me not doing this for my own son because as parents we fight for teachers to do this for our kids. But ultimately, I left teaching feeling like I still had failed most of the kids I had tried to reach and that teaching wasn't for me because I just wasn't up for continuing to try and failing. I have nothing but respect for the teachers who continue to try their best.
expectantsteelerfan, I will say you've done a great job at reading and taking everyone's posts into consideration and I think the thoughts you've shared are honest and real. I'm glad you've found a way to move forward as a family that may work better for you all in the future. From a non-parent, it all sounds really hard so kudos on being open to trying different things.
[mention]expectantsteelerfan [/mention] thanks for coming back and posting your reflections.
If I might add one minor suggestion — when you think of your DS’ future, instead of “tempering your expectations”, maybe think of it more in terms of recognizing that “success” looks like lots of different things. For your son, maybe success looks like As with a sprinkling of Bs and Cs. Maybe it looks like a community college or technical school. Or maybe it looks like lots of degrees. Remember the same for your daughter though too, because she may also ultimately choose a path that doesn’t meet society’s collective expectation of success either.
Post by mysteriouswife on Jun 28, 2022 7:57:53 GMT -5
Parenting is hard and frustrating. It’s okay to not know how to handle everything. Learning and adapting is vital. Hell, I’m always asking advice. It’s sounds like you are trying to correct your way of thinking. Which is what matters.
[mention]expectantsteelerfan [/mention] thanks for coming back and posting your reflections.
If I might add one minor suggestion — when you think of your DS’ future, instead of “tempering your expectations”, maybe think of it more in terms of recognizing that “success” looks like lots of different things. For your son, maybe success looks like As with a sprinkling of Bs and Cs. Maybe it looks like a community college or technical school. Or maybe it looks like lots of degrees. Remember the same for your daughter though too, because she may also ultimately choose a path that doesn’t meet society’s collective expectation of success either.
I was never a stellar student in HS and my sisters both were. After HS, I went to college and wasn’t doing well, so I dropped out for two years. My family was appalled, but I needed that extra time to sort things out. I wound up eventually hitting college out of the park and went on a few years later to get my Master’s degree.
Anyway, I’ve had some really incredible professional and personal experiences that I might never have had if I had followed a more traditional path. I credit this to my ability to view success as not being linked to titles or grades, but rather to experiences. That’s how we want to raise our kids, too.
Post by maudefindlay on Jun 28, 2022 8:43:01 GMT -5
This is a great first step for you expectantsteelerfan. I will say this as you have shared this many times (and I also deal with this), your anxiety is involved in this too. I have anxiety and my DS2 has ADHD and at times the two can feed off of each other and that likely affects your relationship greatly. I have found I need to be alert for signs that is happening and get him situated with something and then I walk away and take a 30 min break or walk away and do something else and revisit the issue with a clearer mind and calmer body.
expectantsteelerfan, I have been posting with you for a very long time now (since the old bump boards) and I just want to say you are a good parent. You obviously love both of your kids very much and want the best for them. I know that is where this thread was coming from and I appreciate your honesty here. Parenting just keeps getting harder the older the kids get.
Post by gretchenindisguise on Jun 28, 2022 8:57:23 GMT -5
Many have given you lots of thoughts, the one other thing I want to toss in: don’t overlook the possibility that your dd also has adhd.
I say that as an adult who was recently diagnosed and I was very similar to how you describe your dd. High achieving and praised by my teachers, but oh my I struggled and I often wonder what I could have done if I’d actually been diagnosed and medicated.
My eldest was diagnosed with adhd at 12, at the very beginning of 7th grade. I recognized it in them because of my own experience and knowledge (I work in mh and also frankly reading experiences of women with adhd on this board was a huge light bulb and permission to investigate it for myself). Their teachers and doctor initially resisted - because they were well behaved and had good grades in school. I pushed for neuropsych testing and they clearly have adhd.
Masking is a thing that sometimes we are really good at, in a way that is different from boys because expectations are frankly different in our society.
DH and I have struggled with similar issues with our DS this past school year. His report cards are pretty good overall, if you didn't know the background you'd look at it and say oh, hey, that's pretty good. But that's because the past 2 years the school has given the kids a grade of 50% for any missing assignments. Please don't ask me how many 50% my DS has received 🤦♀️ and he doesn't seem to care. Like at all. We have tried I don't know how many different ways to get him organized, give him a system for keeping track of assignments and upcoming tests, projects, etc...none of it works. At the same time he can't tell us why it doesn't work or what would help. We have to beg him to let us help him. And then it's like we are shoving the help down his throat. At the end of the school year DH helped him with his last English assignment. Literally they did the slides together, practiced the presentation over and over. It wasn't amazing, but it was good and would have received a nice grade. DS decided he didn't like it so he would do his own version. Then didn't do his own version and just lied about turning it in. That's just one example, but most of 8th grade was spent in similar situations. It's hard. I don't know what else to say...it's just hard. We are trying to be understanding, trying to figure out what would work for our DS, but it's just a puzzle? Idk. I'm hoping this summer to get him some executive functioning coaching, but I'm not sure if that would help. It's hard to wrap your head around the kid who just doesn't have a problem not turning in assignments week after week, who seems to genuinely not care if he gets an A or an F. I get blowing off the occasional hard or annoying assignment. I was certainly not some amazing student. But this was a terrible school year for all of us.
expectantsteelerfan, I have been posting with you for a very long time now (since the old bump boards) and I just want to say you are a good parent. You obviously love both of your kids very much and want the best for them. I know that is where this thread was coming from and I appreciate your honesty here. Parenting just keeps getting harder the older the kids get.
I agree with this. As parents, we don’t always get it right. It’s just going to happen. You have posted some things here that haven’t gone well, but you are always good at listening to what others have to say. We don’t see ALL of other times when you’re doing amazing things with/for your kids. Those aren’t things we generally post, so we often just get a one-sided view when there are posters who share tough stuff.
I just want to add, as a person with ADHD myself and a son who is likely ADHD as well…the motivation piece is a beast. I often *want* to be motivated, but just…can’t. And then I get anxious, frustrated, embarrassed, ashamed, etc that I can’t get motivated. It makes no sense, and I know that it is endlessly frustrating to my neurotypical mom and husband, who can just want to do something and then…go do it.
One more…the number of WILDLY successful entrepreneurs and other professionals who have ADHD is astounding. It’s hard to be focused when people with ADHD don’t really care about a subject, but once we do…watch out! There is no limit to what can be accomplished. The ability to hyperfocus plus the ability to tolerate and take risks without dwelling on them forever and an often increased ability to find unique solutions to problems can catapult people with ADHD to incredible places!
I think back now to the shit I put my mom through when I was a kid with undiagnosed ADHD and wooooooo, I am lucky she let me live to see adulthood. It's not easy to parent, it's not easy to parent neurodivergent kids, and it's not easy to BE neurodivergent. Everyone is just doing their best, right? As long as you continue to parent with thoughtfulness and patience and center your love and pride in your kids at the forefront of your interactions with them, you're all going to be okay. As your kids grow up and learn better coping skills and gain more emotional control, they will find the paths that fit them and they will think back fondly to the parents who helped encourage them to get there. It may not be school right now, but they will all do the great things that fit who they are and who they become as people.
IMO you are doing just fine, OP! Nobody is going to get it perfect, and dealing with ADHD is not simple. I have it and my H has it and I often feel like nobody should have left us in charge - where are the adults? And we're both smart, academically accomplished adults and we still don't know what to do with ourselves and each other. Speaking of which, between us we have 4 masters degrees (well, once I finish this one) and a PhD so I don't think you need to necessarily lower your expectations as much as just accepting that they may look differently than you might have thought and that's ok. He will be fine - most of us with ADHD have great lives. And none of our parents got it 100%, but loving and supporting your kid will be enough, and I know you do that.
Post by MixedBerryJam on Jun 28, 2022 9:49:59 GMT -5
expectantsteelerfan my younger son has adhd that has been diagnosed but doesn’t require medication (tried, not worth the side effects for him), just strategies, so I don’t know how helpful this comment will be. But I want to mention that he went to a vocational school and it’s really worked out for him. He’s in aircraft maintenance ata major manufacturer and is the chief of his team despite being the youngest. I had so many doubts about the for-profit school he went to, which is a whole different issue I realize, but at this point with his teens and early 20’s in the rear view mirror I am so glad he did it. #NoRegerts.
I also won’t lie that i still struggle just making small talk with him about virtually anything except if I ask him a question about helicopters, then holy shit we Talk. About. Helicopters.
Post by reginaphalange72 on Jun 28, 2022 9:50:01 GMT -5
lilac05 and gretchenindisguise - 10000000% ditto to everything you both said. ADHD is such a complicated thing and manifests itself in so many different ways. There are so many people in the world who are the definition of "successful" and also have ADHD. One of our superpowers is the ability to hyperfocus when something is really interesting or fun to us. I can spend HOURS cranking away at something for work if it's a certain type of task/project. And other times, I will sit and stare at something for HOURS, feeling worse and worse about myself because I desperately want to work on it but I am simply unable to make my brain do it. Before I realized I had ADHD I just thought that I was failing at things and how come I couldn't do this when everybody else could? Learning about my brain was incredibly fascinating and empowering.
expectantsteelerfan - thank you for being open to the feedback you were getting here. That will go a long way for you and your family. Please just remember that ADHD is not a curse or anything bad. It just means that our brains operate a little differently, and that's not a bad thing. However, we need to have the language to express our feelings and understand what's going on in our heads. And it makes a HUGE difference if our families have that language as well and can at least have a basic idea of how our brains work.
I do love my son. I will openly admit that at times I struggle to relate to him because I don't always understand him. He is often foreign to me in a way I never really expected as a parent. I certainly get mad at my dd and don't like things she does at times, but I always understand them, so I don't tend to post about them in an emotional mess. I often feel lost at how best to parent my ds, and I worry that I am making the wrong choices for him, and that in making those choices I'm shaping his future in a way that's going to have irreparable impact because at 13 I have more influence on his life than I thought I would as a parent, but I am trying to do my best, and I do love him and want what's best for him.
I can relate to this. D2 has social pragmatic communication disorder and so she has her struggles. I love her so much but have moments where I feel like I am not the right mom for her and probably vent about her more than my other daughters. I understand when you say you struggle to relate to him.
(They just finished 5th and just started getting letter grades), As far as grades go, we do not put a lot of emphasis on actual grades. I mean if they get a good grade on test we celebrate it but we don’t ‘punish’ a bad grade. We know they try hard and understand that not every child is going to excel academically. For us, it’s all about making the effort to, hopefully, get a good grade but understand that even the doing the work won’t result in an A, B or even in some cases, a C. If she is disappointed in her grade we tell her next time to study more (or whatever needs to be done to get a better grade). D2 tends to get upset if D1 & D2 get better grade than her. While the other two are disappointed in themselves.
Your son did great better than many kids who don’t have his ADHD struggles.