I don’t know and when I first responded before reading the entire post this topic is what I thought the thread was going to be about.
How do I celebrate my math winner without rubbing it in the face of my older kid? And shouldn’t she get to be vocally excited and proud even if it makes her sister feel bad? But then what do I do about her sister?
Ugh it’s all so hard and I was an only child so have no personal experience to draw from.
I think it boils down to what others have said-- the celebrations are for individual achievements and never a comparison. Instead of celebrating the specific number of As on the report card, a celebration of a successful school year.
In the OPs example, both of those kids-- not just her daughter--had a great school year and did wonderfully-- that's the celebration.
No one is saying achievements shouldn't be celebrated. It's comparing what success looks like and/or punishing/not including a sibling in a celebration is where it's going sideways.
Yes for sure. We don’t discuss grades, etc and we always celebrate the end of the year as a family with ice cream as I mentioned.
But it’s still hard to figure out how to acknowledge and celebrate the achievements of one kid knowing it will be hurtful to another.
Which is what I thought this discussion was going to be about when I posted originally. Clearly it is not.
I think it boils down to what others have said-- the celebrations are for individual achievements and never a comparison. Instead of celebrating the specific number of As on the report card, a celebration of a successful school year.
In the OPs example, both of those kids-- not just her daughter--had a great school year and did wonderfully-- that's the celebration.
No one is saying achievements shouldn't be celebrated. It's comparing what success looks like and/or punishing/not including a sibling in a celebration is where it's going sideways.
Yes for sure. We don’t discuss grades, etc and we always celebrate the end of the year as a family with ice cream as I mentioned.
But it’s still hard to figure out how to acknowledge and celebrate the achievements of one kid knowing it will be hurtful to another.
Which is what I thought this discussion was going to be about when I posted originally. Clearly it is not.
If you celebrate achievements of both, even if done separately, I don't see how it would be hurtful to the other child. Especially if you explain or communicate that we all have different talents and celebrate all of them-- kind of like a birthday party: sometimes it's your turn to be celebrated and sometimes it's your turn to celebrate another person.
And sometimes the 2nd kid might get sad, just the same way we do when we lose a promotion or opportunity because someone else is "better". It's a good time to also share that this is how life works and it's totally fair to feel that way. But by communicating the different successes the other child has reinforces for them that they too have things for which they should be proud.
Yes for sure. We don’t discuss grades, etc and we always celebrate the end of the year as a family with ice cream as I mentioned.
But it’s still hard to figure out how to acknowledge and celebrate the achievements of one kid knowing it will be hurtful to another.
Which is what I thought this discussion was going to be about when I posted originally. Clearly it is not.
If you celebrate achievements of both, even if done separately, I don't see how it would be hurtful to the other child. Especially if you explain or communicate that we all have different talents and celebrate all of them-- kind of like a birthday party: sometimes it's your turn to be celebrated and sometimes it's your turn to celebrate another person.
And sometimes the 2nd kid might get sad, just the same way we do when we lose a promotion or opportunity because someone else is "better". It's a good time to also share that this is how life works and it's totally fair to feel that way. But by communicating the different successes the other child has reinforces for them that they too have things for which they should be proud.
I think you didn’t see my post about it which goes into all of why it’s a more tricky dynamic.
I did not grow up in a household that valued “overachieving”. I was expected to do my best and as long as I did, that was good enough. For me, that meant higher grades in English, reading, history and lower in math and science. I don’t ever remember anything being celebrated. This worked out well because my younger brother has ADD and had an iep from the age of 4 on. There was no discrepancy in how we were treated. I think you can tell them both good job for what they’ve done well on, but I don’t think doing what is expected of you is something that needs celebrated. It’s laughable to even put that much weight on grades these days. My brother is successful, but mostly because he’s an extremely hard worker and the nicest human I know. Those are the qualities I would celebrate.
Post by sproctopus on Jun 28, 2022 11:38:12 GMT -5
af1212 I did. I just think that advice still holds.
The older kid seems to need more external recognition (like just more praise?) and might benefit from conversations, outside a situation where they might be emotional or upset, where you reinforce that success of another can feel awful when it's something you really want to be good at and that those feelings are valid. Idk. Maybe this is shitty advice or you feel like it's missing the mark and that's fine.
Post by sofamonkey on Jun 28, 2022 11:57:23 GMT -5
I’ll add a few things. First, OP thanks for listening to feedback. It is appreciated, and we know you’re trying. Keep your chin up, and please ignore the super shitty comments.
Second, my kids both struggle. This year was the cherry on top of the pandemic learning disaster sundae. However, his teacher was kind and tried. Since he’s still behind, I inquired about summer school, and she was thrilled to put him in for it. It’s smaller class sizes, and she was trying to figure a way to bring it up. Well, he loves it and he’s thriving. It’s all kids with some issues, and he doesn’t feel like he’s out of place.
We did chat before this started, and he’s discussed that he’s just behind his own personal growth curve for learning. Just like his body’s growth chart, it’s his own. We also discuss things he likes, and what he would like to have us help him. Having him take charge in this way has been validation for him.
With DD, we also discuss her personal learning curve. She’s behind in math. Her teacher and I made a plan for summer, including workbooks with video tutorials if we all got stuck. Yesterday, she didn’t do the pages she was supposed to. I didn’t get mad. We just discussed making sure she set her schedule up for a little more time today, and probably a few days a week. I asked what else she did (art & reading), and asked if she enjoyed it. She did, so we called that a victory. She wanted to just go do more math after I was home, but it was 6! I said it’s summer, and time to chill. Lol.
Tomorrow is always a new day. We can always call it a win that we even got through the day. Sometimes things go wonky or sideways. They likely always will. It’s not about if you fall, but how you land, evaluate, and recover. And remembering that it’s all gonna be fine, especially if we do it as a team.
Post by 1confused1 on Jun 28, 2022 12:41:08 GMT -5
When you are ready, definitely spend time learning about ADHD and the many different ways of affects kids. Your son will not fit in one silo. My daughter has ADHD and I spent a lot of time trying to understand what does and doesn’t work for her and I feel like we had a major breakthrough this past year. She went from almost failing to getting As, Bs and one C this year, I couldn’t be more proud of the work she did to get to that point. She, and I, have a much better relationship too now that I understand her better.
Best of luck to you, I am sure there are plenty of people here that can link you to resources when you are ready.
Post by amandakisser on Jun 28, 2022 16:11:12 GMT -5
My 8YO DD was diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety this year. When I met with her neuro to talk about the results, she explained in great detail HOW her brain works differently (she cannot remember a list of 10 words, but if you ask her to recall a story with a complicated plot she can recite it almost word-for-word) and just how much more she has to work than a neuro-typical child. If I made her redo all of her poor work she would absolutely melt down.
The doctor also told me about all the ways ADHD can actually be a HUGE asset - when she sets her mind to something she is 200% in. She gets hyper-fixated on something and will learn all about it until she masters it (last night, for example, she decided to write a script for a TV show. Writing and reading are not her strong points so I was ALL ABOUT IT and practiced her "lines" with her for an hour ).
Focusing on what he's interested in and good at will do a LOT for his self esteem. And it could help him try harder in other subject...or it may not. And that's ok. There are soooo many ways he will be successful, and having the right tools to help navigate his unique brain will help in his success.
I appreciate you listening and growing. I will say that I have more prestigious degrees than my two brothers, to whom school always came easy. Reflecting, I’m not afraid to work hard because so much is hard for me. His future isn’t being determined at 13.
I appreciate you listening and growing. I will say that I have more prestigious degrees than my two brothers, to whom school always came easy. Reflecting, I’m not afraid to work hard because so much is hard for me. His future isn’t being determined at 13.
100% this. Especially for girls, focusing on the outcome can make them give up more easily when things get harder. It's a well-documented reason why girls get discouraged from pursuing STEM majors and careers, especially if they have always had a relatively easy time with middle/high school classes. It's ingrained that the goal is a high GPA, and it's better to be a biology major with all A's and B's than a biochemistry major with a few C's (just my experience).
Kids do well when they can. Celebrate their efforts. Neurodiverse kids (even those who mask successfully) already feel like they don't fit well into a neurotypical world and educational system. It's easy for them to internalize all of the shade they get about being lazy or unintelligent.
ETA And if he's struggling with completing assignments correctly the first time, it's very likely that his 504 accommodations are not sufficient for him to access the curriculum. My favorite example for my daughters' teachers is making a peanut butter sandwich. My girls can't always visualize what the final product is supposed to be and they have difficulties thinking/working backwards to plan the steps and materials needed to get from a bare counter to a sandwich. Their 504s include accommodations like examples of the final product and rubrics for required elements. If he has trouble with text-based directions, maybe he needs graphics. If he has trouble with expressing his thoughts in writing, maybe he needs to audio-record his answers. My daughter is an amazing writer, but I had to scribe for her or type for her (even though she could type) because the combination of dysgraphia and ADHD and anxiety just resulted in a meltdown every time she had to write more than three sentences total. There are tons of different accommodations - if you feel like your son has an A-level of knowledge and is getting C's under the current system, it's up to the adults to find a system that works for him.