Poll: How long after announcing dinner

[taffy]

Is ready do you expect your kid to come to the table?

Ok not really a poll because I don’t know how to set those up. I don’t particularly like cooking and really struggle to find recipes that are healthy fairly easy and that my family will like. My DS17 is usually upstairs in his room when I’m cooking. I try to announce when there is 10 minutes til dinner is ready and he usually responds ok. Then when it’s ready I say dinner is on the table. Sometimes it takes him 10 minutes to come down. This upsets me. But ds thinks I’m overreacting. Am I? What is a reasonable amount of time? This may sound petty but I guess, for me, making dinner is some sort of feat and I’d like it to be acknowledged somehow.

[isabel]

I mean, if your expectation is under 10 minutes, then have that conversation with him. Let him know that it feels disrespectful to you.

Aside from wanting acknowledgement do you feel like this is preventing you from eating as a family? Like everyone else is ready to go and you’re waiting for him to join you? Because if that’s the case, I’d just start eating without him.

To answer your question, this isn’t really a thing in our house. We make the kids dinner very early because they’re hungry when they get home, so they’re always quick to the table when I tell them it’s ready. I’m sure that will change as they get older.

[ECB]

At a base level, I think your initial 10 minute heads up is sufficient.

Past that - I go both ways on this. On one hand, when dinner is called, it's simply the POLITE thing to do - come down, sit down and eat w/ your family. I do think this is a basic lesson that if not on a daily basis when it's just you all, I hope your DS does know and understand. I say that because with DS (13), he can take his time too. But - when we have company, he comes to the table right away. So.... I sometimes look at it as a "pick my battles" thing. When it's just the two of us, or even when DH is home, if he isn't super prompt, I don't always push it. I/ DH and I will sit down and start eating.

Have you also talked to DS about it? Why does he take that time? Does he understand it's important to you?

Also, what about starting to involve him in making dinner? At 17, I think that is totally appropriate to do!

[Monica Geller]

I can’t speak to teenagers. My boys are 7 & 2. We give a “2 minute warning” and they’re supposed to wash their hands and come to the table. This is our SOP. If they’re outside or really engaged in something like a video game, I might say 2 minutes but it’s really 5-10 minutes before we eat because I know they’re going to stall… but again they’re little.

[flygirl]

I find this to be poor manners, just like people who are perpetually late or are constantly on their phone while your having a meal with them. As the other poster said-if this is a battle you feel strongly about I’d talk to him and let him know there are consequences….such as making dinner himself…for everyone.

[joy]

You are the mom, you set the expectation. The expectation is that he will join the table at X time after dinner is announced.

If he needs a warning at five min rather than ten, you guys can discuss it. You could also take the route that dinner is served at 6pm and he is expected at the table no later than 6:05pm.

I really had a reaction to him saying your ten min warning, your dinner announcement, and him then showing up when he pleases is acceptable. It’s rude. You made *him* dinner; he can show up on time.

[whattheheck]

Mine (13 & 16) get a 10–15 minute warning. In that time they need to get to the kitchen, wash hand, set the table, and then help get dinner onto the table.

[Deleted]

My kids are all teenagers, so I don't know if that makes a difference or not. When dinner is ready, it is announced on the Alexa and they are expected to all come to the table immediately. We sit and eat dinner as a family and don't start until everyone is seated. A lot of times at least 1-2 kids will already be in the kitchen with me because I often ask for help setting the table and getting drinks together and what not. We're lucky to get to eat together 1-2 nights per week due to work schedules and what not, so it's important to me that we get that time together as a family.

[wanderingback]

When I was a teen I always had to set the table and pour the water in our glasses, so my parents would call me when it was time for that to get done. I’m not a parent, but I think giving your kid some kind of responsibility would help. Then, if they don’t follow up on their responsibility there would be consequences.

ETA: my partner does most of the cooking and I set the table and do dishes afterwards. When I cook it’s the opposite. So yeah I think it’s totally reasonable for the family to be involved in getting all parts of dinner together and cleaned up.

[kadams767]

Obligatory I don't have kids person chiming in with an opinion, but I think you're right. But the old person in me is also wondering if you shouldn't expect him to be downstairs earlier and helping get ready for dinner. Perhaps unfair, but it drives me crazy if I am making a meal for more than just myself and the other people are just sitting in another room waiting to be called to the table and everything is just magically in front of them. Even if I do all the cooking, I need someone to get the table ready, get drinks, plates/silverware, condiments or whatever, etc. In my head (no idea if this is feasible), but I'd try and change the expectation of giving a 10-minute warning and move to a "dinner is going to be ready in about 10 minutes, please come down now and help get things ready" type of deal instead.

[candreco]

Jun 29, 2022 7:53:50 GMT -5 whattheheck said:

Mine (13 & 16) get a 10–15 minute warning. In that time they need to get to the kitchen, wash hand, set the table, and then help get dinner onto the table.

Same for my 9 & 13 year olds (and DH for that matter, lol). 10 minute warning means wrap up whatever you're doing and help get ready to sit down at the table.

[waverly]

In our family DD, 9, and DH make dinner.

DS, 11, does the dishes. I will set and clear the table with help from DD and DS.

Kids are expected immediately at the table.

[VillainV]

My kid is still young, so not a teenager, but I’ll weigh in on my opinion anyway.

Assuming the expectation is that the family eats dinner together at the table, the 10/5 minute warning is to give them time to finish up what they’re doing and come to a reasonable stopping point, so that when you call “dinner’s ready!” they come straight to the table. A ten-minute delay, in my opinion, is disrespectful to you (the person who prepared the meal) and to the rest of the family (who either has to wait while the food gets cold, or awkwardly eat without him).

I’d pick a time that’s NOT a meal time and have this conversation about what you expectations, and see how he responds. I suppose it’s possible that he’s involved in some kind of complicated project that can’t be completed in the warning time you give him and can’t be stopped in the middle — but short of some award-winning science fair project, I struggle to think of an important reason he can’t come to the table. Is he gaming with friends and doesn’t want to stop, or loses track of time? Maybe a more consistent dinner-time (say, always at 6:30) or a longer warning period would help. Or maybe he can’t play video games until after dinner is over.

But overall, I’m team YOU here.

[bcv513]

Not my kid, but my XH and it drove me absolutely crazy. I would give ten minute warnings, five minute warnings, then say it's on the table. Without fail, he would choose that moment to take the trash out, or check his email, or throw in laundry. I found it super disrespectful and frustrating. I feel like if someone is providing you a hot meal, the least you can do is sit at the table and eat together.

[Deleted]

It seems disrespectful to me. I don't have kids, but if I'm making dinner I give my H an estimate of when I think we'll be ready to sit down at the dinner table and when it's done (he does the same for me). If he were to not show up until 10 min after I said dinner was on the table, I would be pissed. If he is late it's usually because of a work call that ran over, but he also texts me a heads-up. It's common courtesy.

[dale]

My kids get called in a few minutes before dinner is ready to set the table and get drinks ready. Maybe calling him down to do a job before dinner will get him to the table on time.

[sofamonkey]

Jun 29, 2022 8:33:37 GMT -5 dale said:

My kids get called in a few minutes before dinner is ready to set the table and get drinks ready. Maybe calling him down to do a job before dinner will get him to the table on time.

Yup, this is us too. Because more than zero times, I was expected to dish up dinner, and get drinks etc ready. Oooh, boy. That was over quickly. Lol.

[jwright]

Not a parent, but what is he doing that he can't pull himself away within 90 seconds? He's not stuck in traffic or on a conference call. Especially with a 10 minute warning notice.

I've learned through the parenting posts on this board that my parents were much stricter than normal. They'd probably wrap up my food as leftovers or throw it out; after the kitchen was cleared from dinner it was "closed" and we were only allowed to go in to get water so I'd have to go without dinner if I couldn't be bothered to join the family.

[ECB]

Jun 29, 2022 7:59:25 GMT -5 kadams767 said:

Obligatory I don't have kids person chiming in with an opinion, but I think you're right. But the old person in me is also wondering if you shouldn't expect him to be downstairs earlier and helping get ready for dinner. Perhaps unfair, but it drives me crazy if I am making a meal for more than just myself and the other people are just sitting in another room waiting to be called to the table and everything is just magically in front of them. Even if I do all the cooking, I need someone to get the table ready, get drinks, plates/silverware, condiments or whatever, etc. In my head (no idea if this is feasible), but I'd try and change the expectation of giving a 10-minute warning and move to a "dinner is going to be ready in about 10 minutes, please come down now and help get things ready" type of deal instead.

YES!  DS is actually expected to set the table  - so that gets him up and moving before dinner is ready to be served. 

[sofamonkey]

Jun 29, 2022 8:49:56 GMT -5 jwright said:

Not a parent, but what is he doing that he can't pull himself away within 90 seconds? He's not stuck in traffic or on a conference call. Especially with a 10 minute warning notice.

I've learned through the parenting posts on this board that my parents were much stricter than normal. They'd probably wrap up my food as leftovers or throw it out; after the kitchen was cleared from dinner it was "closed" and we were only allowed to go in to get water so I'd have to go without dinner if I couldn't be bothered to join the family.

This seems unnecessarily harsh. Sometimes, my DD is in the middle of a painting. It happens. During those times, we communicate, and are respectful to each other. I’ll keep it warm for her if she’s in the middle of something. It’s not like I’ll die, she just has less warm dinner.

And sometimes, they don’t like what I cook. They aren’t rude, but I remember this happening when I was a kid. I could get myself a snack or alternate after dinner. Or sometimes my kids are hungry again at 9:00. I let them eat because they’re hungry and in charge of their bodies. All kitchen”s closed means here is I’m not getting it for you. Lol

[CurlyQ284]

This makes me ragey in my house. I have DH (43) SD (19) and DS(9). All have ADHD and trouble with transitions. SD will usually come to the kitchen within a few minutes because she is usually just looking at tiktok or something. H and DS take for.ev.er because they want to finish whatever it is they are doing.

I have tried being nice. I give LOTS of warnings (15 min, 10 min, 5 min). I have told them it makes me feel unappreciated, I have yelled, nothing works. Just recently I am just getting my plate and eating dinner. I have more control over DS, so the one that makes me the most angry is my H.

[noodleoo]

This is rude as fuck. I generally cook dinner for our family, and H used to take his time coming up and we had a talk about it. If I'm spending the time/effort to make a delicious meal, the least other people can do is be ready to eat when it is ready. I also really hate waiting for others to come up and then my food is cold after I spent all that time making it.

So I'd have a serious talk about how disrespectful it is, reset expectations, and then have consequences. One of the consequences could be that he has to make his own dinner and doesn't get to eat yours if he's late (assuming he likes your food LOL). Another thing you could do is have him start making dinner once a week. Then he can see it from the other side.

[ECB]

Jun 29, 2022 7:10:06 GMT -5 taffy said:

Is ready do you expect your kid to come to the table?

Ok not really a poll because I don’t know how to set those up. I don’t particularly like cooking and really struggle to find recipes that are healthy fairly easy and that my family will like. My DS17 is usually upstairs in his room when I’m cooking. I try to announce when there is 10 minutes til dinner is ready and he usually responds ok. Then when it’s ready I say dinner is on the table. Sometimes it takes him 10 minutes to come down. This upsets me. But ds thinks I’m overreacting. Am I? What is a reasonable amount of time? This may sound petty but I guess, for me, making dinner is some sort of feat and I’d like it to be acknowledged somehow.

Another general thought - plan out your week of meals and involve your family in that.  We do this on Sundays or Mondays.  It's partially so that I can get a grocery list together, but - the 3 of us take 5 minutes and discuss what meals we'll have that week.  It checks a lot of things off the list- not trying to scrounge the day of, taking everyone's opinion into account, and helps me when I go to the store.  

Plus, keep a running list of meals that you don't mind making.  I have a binder where I keep all the recipes that I like to make and are pretty easy - when we're feeling uninspired, I flip through it to see what sounds good for that week.  I use our IP a LOT - at least once if not twice a week.  I also look at what I can make that I like the leftovers - so that one night, no cooking involved.  Just leftovers! 

[jwright]

Jun 29, 2022 8:55:18 GMT -5 sofamonkey said:

Jun 29, 2022 8:49:56 GMT -5 jwright said:

Not a parent, but what is he doing that he can't pull himself away within 90 seconds? He's not stuck in traffic or on a conference call. Especially with a 10 minute warning notice.

I've learned through the parenting posts on this board that my parents were much stricter than normal. They'd probably wrap up my food as leftovers or throw it out; after the kitchen was cleared from dinner it was "closed" and we were only allowed to go in to get water so I'd have to go without dinner if I couldn't be bothered to join the family.

This seems unnecessarily harsh. Sometimes, my DD is in the middle of a painting. It happens. During those times, we communicate, and are respectful to each other. I’ll keep it warm for her if she’s in the middle of something. It’s not like I’ll die, she just has less warm dinner.

And sometimes, they don’t like what I cook. They aren’t rude, but I remember this happening when I was a kid. I could get myself a snack or alternate after dinner. Or sometimes my kids are hungry again at 9:00. I let them eat because they’re hungry and in charge of their bodies. All kitchen”s closed means here is I’m not getting it for you. Lol

But he already gets a 10 minute warning? So he is unable to wind down whatever activity in 20 minutes.  If the rule is that the family eats together when dinner is ready, then that's the rule.  I am realizing more and more that my parents had a very strict set of rules, but we were well aware of what they were.  If you don't have that rule in your house than there is no problem.  

I'm impressed by how much you seem to be flexible (no joke). 

[eddy]

I also have a teen and he will pull this crap with me. I also think it is disrespectful. I have taken my time to make a meal. Baring a legit reason, you should come when I call you that it is ready. Especially when a head's up is given.

Besides explaining the disrespect I have also had him be the only person to clean up the mess afterwards. I have also made him just sit and eat alone when he finally comes down, which sucks. He can't take his plate to like the tv. A direct punishment normally shores up the issue for a couple weeks.

[af1212]

We also give 10 minute warning, then 5 min. But that’s the warning for when you need to come help set the table and get drinks.

Then after you set table and get drinks you sit and wait until dinner is served. I usually put a veggie tray out so they can snack until it’s ready as I am terrible at cooking timing and often can’t get it all ready at the right time.

[Roc A Bee]

This is a pet peeve in our house with teens. Once the work is done to make dinner, the least everyone can do is come down on time.

[sofamonkey]

Jun 29, 2022 9:10:41 GMT -5 jwright said:

Jun 29, 2022 8:55:18 GMT -5 sofamonkey said:

This seems unnecessarily harsh. Sometimes, my DD is in the middle of a painting. It happens. During those times, we communicate, and are respectful to each other. I’ll keep it warm for her if she’s in the middle of something. It’s not like I’ll die, she just has less warm dinner.

And sometimes, they don’t like what I cook. They aren’t rude, but I remember this happening when I was a kid. I could get myself a snack or alternate after dinner. Or sometimes my kids are hungry again at 9:00. I let them eat because they’re hungry and in charge of their bodies. All kitchen”s closed means here is I’m not getting it for you. Lol

But he already gets a 10 minute warning? So he is unable to wind down whatever activity in 20 minutes.  If the rule is that the family eats together when dinner is ready, then that's the rule.  I am realizing more and more that my parents had a very strict set of rules, but we were well aware of what they were.  If you don't have that rule in your house than there is no problem.  

I'm impressed by how much you seem to be flexible (no joke). 

Well, in an ideal world, our preference (not rule) is we eat together. Sometimes, things happen. Being angry doesn’t resolve an issue. And if it’s every night or frequent, which can happen in our house too, I’m less understanding. Lol. “Game OFF” has been said many times. But there’s a difference between sometimes and recurrent.

My parents could be strict as well, but I don’t have to continue with things that they did that I don’t want to. As I tell my kids; sometimes parents provide just as many examples of what not to do as they do things they want to emulate. 🤷‍♀️

[Jalapeñomel]

Jun 29, 2022 9:10:41 GMT -5 jwright said:

Jun 29, 2022 8:55:18 GMT -5 sofamonkey said:

This seems unnecessarily harsh. Sometimes, my DD is in the middle of a painting. It happens. During those times, we communicate, and are respectful to each other. I’ll keep it warm for her if she’s in the middle of something. It’s not like I’ll die, she just has less warm dinner.

And sometimes, they don’t like what I cook. They aren’t rude, but I remember this happening when I was a kid. I could get myself a snack or alternate after dinner. Or sometimes my kids are hungry again at 9:00. I let them eat because they’re hungry and in charge of their bodies. All kitchen”s closed means here is I’m not getting it for you. Lol

But he already gets a 10 minute warning? So he is unable to wind down whatever activity in 20 minutes.  If the rule is that the family eats together when dinner is ready, then that's the rule.  I am realizing more and more that my parents had a very strict set of rules, but we were well aware of what they were.  If you don't have that rule in your house than there is no problem.  

I'm impressed by how much you seem to be flexible (no joke). 

My parents were like this: completely rule oriented, arbitrary, and inflexible. I hated it, and I refuse to do this to my children. I’d rather talk to my child, explain why the rule is set and my expectations, then go from there.

[sofamonkey]

Also, lest anyone think I’m a zen braggart with no sense of anger over things - last week I lost my shot and took the power cord to the modem to work with me. LOL! I have limits too!! I get it, I swear!