6th grade daughter and friends

[dglvrk2]

I'd love some perspectives and advice here.

DD1 is eleven years old and in sixth grade. She doesn't seem to have many friends or even one she seems very connected to. She speaks favorably be about many classmates and her teachers report her getting along well with her peers. However, she rarely gets invited to do things with others outside of school. That's where my concern originates.
We moved to a small, tight knit rural community two years ago. She made two good, seemingly kind friends quickly. However, by then end of last year, they both seemed to have dropped her. Changing friendships is an inevitable part of life...she's accepted this.
She's connected with a couple other girls since then. However, she seems resistant to branch out much. Likewise, she seems to do more of the inviting to get together then they do. In the past six weeks the invite ratio seems to be 5:1.
She doesn't seem unhappy with her social life, so I don't want to fix something that isn't broken. It just seems less than ideal. Thoughts?

[erbear]

Middle school teacher and parent of a 6th grader. This is normal. This is a year when friendships start to shift. If she’s not unhappy, step back. Some kids really don’t want or need a bunch of friends and invites and don’t start to take it as problematic until an adult does.

If she’s asking for help, then step in. Invite kids to do stuff. Have them to your house. It’ll get reciprocated eventually when she finds her crew.

[supertrooper1]

I just had a similar conversation with Beau the other day about DS who is in 4th grade. He doesn't have friends that he does stuff with outside of school-no play dates and is rarely invited to birthday parties. He doesn't seem upset about it and his teachers always say he plays and gets along with everyone at school. It's tough.

[waverly]

That was kind of what my post was about. DS does have a “best friend” and a good group of boys that he sits with at lunch. But he doesn’t get many invitations at all. He does play with 2 boys in the neighborhood but that’s informally outside. His best friend has lots of other friends and often isn’t available. I encourage him to try with other kids and he has no desire. In fact he won’t even try with the one neighbor boy when best friend isn’t around. I think in lower ages I could try harder but at this age if I force him then it just makes it more awkward socially. He had some social anxiety with parties from Covid and got over that. So I’m considering it progress.

I’ve just come to realize that we aren’t going to socialize as much as I thought. For example, you said you invited them 5 times in 6 weeks but we definitely are not doing formal invites that often at all. Unstructured neighborhood play is 1-2 times a week but that will go away with the cold/ dark. Otherwise he had his birthday party sleepover and he has a Halloween party he was invited to but that’s all he’s done in October. We were out of town one weekend and invited to a party more through DD the other weekend and that’s about it. We seem strange compared to families that have 2-3 social events every Sat and Sun, but we are too tired for that and too many kid sports stuff.

Is she in any activities?

[ECB]

I sometimes have angst around this too with DS.  He's 13 and seems to have a lot of friends.  We live in a neighborhood with a lot of kids, and we do a fair amount of social things with the neighborhood, including 2 trips a year (camping and skiing).  He's got a crew of buddies at school too.  I've seen some of those friendships shift over the past couple years (not as close), and like you - I feel like I see his friends get invited to do stuff but he doesn't as much.  It seems.

BUT.... he's happy.  He doesn't seem bothered by it.  If it's really even as often as I think it is - which is probably also the case. It's probably really not ALL that often, but I conflate it and convince myself it's more than it really is. 

Also, DS is a homebody.  He had off school today and I asked him if kids were doing anything. He was like "I don't know" and seemed VERY content to just chill at home.  WHen I think back to when I was a kid - he takes after me SOOO much more than I realize.  I was a home body, didn't do a TON of social things.  And in the big picture, it was all fine!  I was content.  

So, I try not to place MY social angst onto him.  I also have to remember that he'll gel or not gel with certain kids, and while he has a lot of friends, I don't know if he's really met "his people" yet.  Next year he goes into high school and there will be a huge influx of new kids - I will continue to encourage him to keep an open mind and be open to meeting new people.  I hope he finds "his people".  But in the meantime- he does have friends and is social, even if tons of invites aren't flooding in.  

[waverly]

DS is totally a homebody also. A homebody introvert. So it makes sense.

I just know that sometimes being an introvert can be hard because it seems like they have less people for support. That may be true of extroverts too, but appearance wise it looks like they have more people because they are surrounded by more people.

[186momx]

6th grader DD who seems to have no school friends. She has a number of friends via gymnastics so I've never really worried about the lack of school friends.

Elementary school was a fight from week 1 of kinder; bullying, boredom. She's spent 1/2 of 3rd all of 4th and 5th online and excelled be able to learn at her own pace and she was also placed on an IEP.

Middle school we did school choice and are at a K-8 school. She talks about 2 kids she hangs with but has no interest in seeing them outside of school. She actually had tons of anxiety last weekend over running into anyone from school at the arcade place she was going to with gym friends. DD is still bored and is working on meeting with the counselor at school.

I just keep offering rides and telling her it is okay to join school people outside of school. She starts chess club next week as an after school club.

[dglvrk2]

Thanks for the insights, everyone! Reading your ideas makes me feel more grounded.

waverly, DD is involved in a handful of activities: gymnastics team, band and, starting after Thanksgiving, ski team. It's enough that her days are quite full and she could be getting her social bucket filled this way.

Some of my angst stems from my own childhood experiences. I was/am a classic introvert. I was a bit of a quirky kid as well. My parents and sister are turbo extroverts. Not being a cool kid along with parentsconstantly encouraging me to be more social was annoying at best and often painful. I don't want her to go through what I did... That being said, H and I are different parents than mine were and we hope to never convey her popularity or lack there of is an issue.

DD certainly puts quality over quantity when it comes to friends and I really appreciate this. Hopefully, like I did, she finds her people as she goes through middle and high school. This is an ongoing journey!

[waverly]

dglvrk2 , I hear you. I was an introverted kid surprise because I am an introverted adult. I think my parents did a good job of encouraging me to step out of my shell but not push too hard to where I was resentful. This wasn't really always relating to social things either, but just in general. I still feel like oh well I saw my friend more than DS sees his friends, but then again DS is in more activities than I was. I only did dance once per week and Girl Scouts (monthly). He was doing flag and soccer at the same time which were 3 nights per week. If everyone else is doing activities then that one on one time that introverts like goes away. His best friend's family has very strict ideas of how they want their free time to look, and it doesn't seem to be "hanging out" everything has to be a special event or a party or going away. That's cool, if that is what they want, but there isn't much just hanging out that kids need/ like to do.  That being said, I think they are doing a boys trip together with the middle school boys and the H's, and they agreed because it was a free to them special trip.  

[erbear]

Oct 29, 2022 14:46:39 GMT -5 dglvrk2 said:

Thanks for the insights, everyone! Reading your ideas makes me feel more grounded.

waverly, DD is involved in a handful of activities: gymnastics team, band and, starting after Thanksgiving, ski team. It's enough that her days are quite full and she could be getting her social bucket filled this way.

Some of my angst stems from my own childhood experiences. I was/am a classic introvert. I was a bit of a quirky kid as well. My parents and sister are turbo extroverts. Not being a cool kid along with parentsconstantly encouraging me to be more social was annoying at best and often painful. I don't want her to go through what I did... That being said, H and I are different parents than mine were and we hope to never convey her popularity or lack there of is an issue.

DD certainly puts quality over quantity when it comes to friends and I really appreciate this. Hopefully, like I did, she finds her people as she goes through middle and high school. This is an ongoing journey!

But you’re not putting her through anything. Introverted people don’t need a lot of friends. We live in an extrovert world but it’s exhausting to some of us. If your kid is happy, there is nothing to “solve”. Let her be.

[waverly]

I think being an introvert also helped me to not get into as much trouble as my peers. I thought some of the popular crowd was mean and steered clear. I am sure recognizing that and steering clear are good life lessons. I am interested to see if popularity is still as much of a "thing" as they get older and how that will all shake out since they've been friends since age 3 or 4. But there isn't much I can do except watch and support.

[dglvrk2]

Oct 30, 2022 15:48:31 GMT -5 waverly said:

I think being an introvert also helped me to not get into as much trouble as my peers. I thought some of the popular crowd was mean and steered clear. I am sure recognizing that and steering clear are good life lessons. I am interested to see if popularity is still as much of a "thing" as they get older and how that will all shake out since they've been friends since age 3 or 4. But there isn't much I can do except watch and support.

Agreed! I hope both of my kids can learn to look beyond popularity as they go through life. It's pretty hard for a lot of kids at DD1's age to do.
Like you, as a kid, I saw the drama and meanness among many of the popular kids and found more fulfillment in other friendships .

[mommyatty]

My kids are both introverts who are happiest with a few close friends. And that’s how I am too. DD is now in Middle School and there is definitely a popular group. She wants nothing to do with them. She says they are always fighting and being mean to each other, and flat told me that any new kid who starts at the school who wants to be friends with the Queen Bee “isn’t my kind of person.”

At parent teacher conferences last week, DD’s history teacher told us how he admired that DD and her bff are just unapologetically themselves and weren’t caught up in any drama, though they still were kind and inclusive to everyone in the class and in the hallways. He said DD’s locker is directly outside his classroom so he can regularly see her interact and that she seems to be well accepted and liked by her peers but “definitely doesn’t care about their opinions of her.”

[rere]

This is my Dd. For homecoming and events, you always see these pictures of like 30 kids at some pre party for the official Instagram ready posts. Dd is very happy with her 4 close friends and then a few more that she hangs out with from time to time. She kind of bounces around from group to group and is friendly with most, but she quickly found her way out of the big cliche that was most of her volleyball team Freshman year. She said they are always talking about each other.

She also needs her downtime. After a lot of business or social activity, she will declare she is burned out and not going anywhere and build a nest in the basement with 3 blankets, some goldfish, a drink and Netflix for a day or so.

[waverly]

Introverts unite! Sometimes I feel like I need an introvert support group especially in seeing what my extrovert friends do in terms of socializing. I want to be like them. I feel like I am not up to par. But yet, I’m tired and no matter what I do I can’t figure out how to have a busy social life. But while it’s a sticking point that I care about it’s apparently not really that important that I actually schedule things because the idea of a day to not talk to anyone always seems to sound better or maybe even actually be better. I do remember a time in college where I would schedule 2 social things in one day and I was like this is too much and involved a lot of driving to different people and coordinating times. I learned that I can only do 1 thing per day typically. I will occasionally do 2, but that’s never the goal.

[abs]

This is my DD, too, who is also in 6th grade! She is happier than ever though so I try not to stress. She is making new friends this year and they text each other on the weekends. They don’t get together much but it’s ok. She tried softball and band this year and loves both. She seems to be doing well in school and participates. So, there’s really no issue. In a way I think she’s just really mature for her age and is just starting to find her people. She has no interest in drama and can’t stand petty fighting. She is content liking things other girls don’t (baseball over make-up. Comfort over fashion). She really seems pretty grounded so I try not to let her quiet social life bother me. She isn’t an introvert but she very much so values down time.

I admit Halloween is a bit hard. She isn’t trick or treating or going to a party like most of the neighborhood. She staying home to pass out candy and watch the World Series. She’s thrilled she doesn’t have to dress up. It’s me that is sad we won’t be social so I won’t project that on her.

[campermom]

Same scenario for my 6th grade daughter but I see no reason to change it.

Our village is made up of introverts I think. Rarely do we host or attend sleepovers. Occasional play dates. The kids have sports or other stuff that keeps them busy and they “hang out” on FaceTime after school. She does play w neighbors like riding bikes and stuff.

Everyone seems happy and she doesn’t seem left out.

[CrazyLucky]

I thought about this thread last night. DS is in 7th grade and he thought he was going trick or treating with a kid from down the street. The kid left without DS. DS came out, realized kid had left, shrugged, and went by himself. And then later he was excited because he was able to move faster by himself, so he got more candy. LOL. I do worry about him not having close friends, but I'm trying to follow his lead. If he isn't bothered, I don't want to make it a thing.