DH recently took a position that would allow me to stay home with our newborn. He is for it and I’m still trying to think through it. We have an 8, 3, and 3 month old. The 3 year old would stay in preschool. I make around $100k, so it will be a substantial decrease in income but the budget works on paper. I also have PPD/PPA and have a high stress job so I think the lifestyle change may be helpful.
If you stayed at home:
- how difficult was it to re-enter the workforce? Did you change careers? - what would have made transitioning to a SAHM easier? - what did your day look like? Did you stick to a loose schedule? What did your division of labor look like? - anything else I should be thinking of?
I walked away from a high paying job in finance to stay home with our 2 kids (7 and 4 at the time). DD1 was in school full time, DD2 part time. We had been saving for a while in order for me to make the transition, and assumed we would dip into savings for a little while. Our circumstances changed significantly literally the day after I left, and we didn't have to do that.
I didn't find it difficult to re-enter when I was ready, but I kind of kept my hands in work while I was SAHM. I took on very small consulting projects here and there to build my portfolio a bit. It was helpful, both to keep my mind engaged with my profession, and to be able to build my CV a bit. You may not have the same opportunity.
Having structure around my day was really important to my transition. DD2 was home with me 2 days a week, in school full days for 3. So my "alone" days were for errands, the gym, a bit of decompression. My "with" days were full of activities for her. I worked a TON from the day I went back after maternity leave until I quit, and I was never fully engaged at home as long as I had that job. It was important to me to spend a lot of time with her, so that became my focus.
The division of labor has always been grossly uneven in my relationship. It continued to be grossly uneven. BUT, pre-COVID DH traveled a ton - weekly most of the time - so he just wasn't here to help. I had to come up with my own system and my own way of doing things. He'd participate on the periphery when he was around.
I was extremely burnt out when I resigned. It took me well over a year to feel somewhat normal again. If you can, try to build in a little time for yourself, especially since you're leaving a high stress job.
1. I did not re-enter 2. I did not have a hard transition 3. We followed a loose schedule. First thing in the morning, kids go to gym babysitting while I work out for an hour, then we do an activity together. Then they'd nap in the afternoon. Monday - library story time Tuesday - playground Wednesday - children's museum story time Thursday - swimming lessons Friday - Target/grocery store 4. What you should be thinking about is if you truly, deep in your heart want to work or not. I did not like my job, so it was an easier decision. Some people like their jobs more than the idea of staying home.
Overall, it came down to I would either be super stressed working or a little bit lonely/bored as a SAHM, so I chose SAHM. I love it. It was a wonderful thing for my family, but it's not for everyone.
I am not a SAHM, but most of the people that I know that were SAHM still stay home. Some have mentioned going back to the workforce, but most have not really mentioned it, so for the majority it doesn't seem to be a major goal at this point, and they have kids in middle school. I know a few that have transitioned to be a sub for the school district once all are school age because they have the exact same hours as their kids, so they don't need childcare. And the other one mentioned that also, that they wanted pretty much the exact same hours as when the kids were in school/ school job.
At my job/ field there were a lot of women that stayed home with their kids, then went back to work for 15-20 years then retired. I can think of a handful off the top of my head. I think they likely had to start back at the bottom then work their way up, but it did work out for them later on. And yes, most of them when they re-entered did seem to change careers.
I have not re-entered and am not sure when or if I will and in what capacity. But social workers will always be in demand so I'm not really worried about it. Might sub at some point. I had gone from FT to PT after we had our first and then SAHM full time after the second. Now they are both in school all day and I'm still home. Being able to be home for the 30+ days off school they have off during the school year plus the summer has been very very helpful for us. My husband makes enough and is able to save enough in retirement that it works financially. The retirement piece is big for us because it's one thing to meet your monthly budgeting needs but saving for later is so important too.
The transition was easy for me and honestly I love it. As someone who is not a morning person I really hated getting up and going to work. And I was stressed out and anxious all the time (par for the course in social work).
Second kid started a mother's day out program when she was 18 months so she went 2-3 days a week for four years and now she's in kindergarten. That helped give us some structure and then we'd add in things like errands, library story time, music class, gymnastics, dance, etc. Was so nice to be able to do all of that during the day and not the evening. My schedule now is very very loose, haha.
Important things for me as an extrovert were getting out of the house and socializing, finding a mom's group, etc.
Division of labor is ok in my opinion but I'm sure my husband wishes that I cooked more. I currently cook maybe one dinner a week. I just hate it and he doesn't so he does it most nights. We still have a house cleaner to do the deep cleaning.
DH recently took a position that would allow me to stay home with our newborn. He is for it and I’m still trying to think through it. We have an 8, 3, and 3 month old. The 3 year old would stay in preschool. I make around $100k, so it will be a substantial decrease in income but the budget works on paper. I also have PPD/PPA and have a high stress job so I think the lifestyle change may be helpful.
If you stayed at home:
- how difficult was it to re-enter the workforce? Did you change careers? - what would have made transitioning to a SAHM easier? - what did your day look like? Did you stick to a loose schedule? What did your division of labor look like? - anything else I should be thinking of?
I was home with ds1 for 18 months then worked part time h til ds 2 was born. Then was home with him for about 18 months and then got another job full time. Did that for 2 years and I’ve been home full time since then (almost 4 years). I didn’t have a problem finding a job, I’m an accountant.
I liked having something to do each day to get out of the house when they were little. Groceries, a play date, coffee with a friend etc. I scheduled around naps as much as possible.
I did most of the labor and still do - one of the reasons I haven’t gone back to work is because I still had all of the mental load and a lot of the physical work in the house and it was a lot for me. H did what he could but he wasn’t around much bc of worn so it was just hard.
Budget in money for activities and outings if you plan to take the kids to anything.
Post by wesleycrusher on Nov 16, 2022 18:00:29 GMT -5
I always wanted to stay at home...and then hated it (well, I liked the staying at home part, but not the constant childcare part) and frankly I was not good at it. I felt like we had a large quantity of time together, but not a lot of it was quality time. I was ready to go back to work after 18 months, but then it was spring/summer and we were getting out of the house more and I went back to work right after DD turned 2 in November before winter set in again. So I definitely agree with what others say about getting out of the house everyday. When I did SAHM I did all the cooking and shopping, now DH does all the cooking and we split the shopping.
It was not hard to re-enter for me at all (I am a nurse) and I went from working in a hospital before we had to kids to an office job with regular hours. Even though my kids are in school now, I still don't want to go back to staying at home because I love my job.
I terms of what else, I would think through the stability of your DH’s job. My DH likes to take chances and is a risk taker. That means that he changes jobs more often and sometimes it doesn’t work out. If he had a more stay in one place with no problems personality it might be easier for me to quit. I’ve been at my job for 13 years so I’ve accepted that my role is to be the stable one. He’s a hustler so he’s not unemployed long, but it still takes a while to work through interviews etc. He also is trying to transition to self employed totally but that might be another 10 years.
1 - I did not re enter the workforce (I stopped working when DS1 was born, he is almost 16 now. I also didn’t plan on going back to work. DH made significantly more than me plus had/has a job with extreme hours and me working wasn’t really feasible unless we had a live in nanny. Most importantly I didn’t particularly want to go back to work so was fine with all this)
2 - I had bad PPD after DS1 and being busy and keeping structure was very important for me. We did a lot of baby/kid classes, playgroups, etc. When they were babies I would also purposely parse out errands so we had errands every day. Staying home all day just wasn’t for me. I would go to the gym (with gym daycare) almost every day. I also had a regular sitter come 2 days a week when they were little so I could have some “me” time and do all the things that was difficult to do with the kids. I had a definite schedule each day of morning activity, nap/rest time, then afternoon activity (“activity” could be just going to Starbucks or running to the store, but there was always something). Once the kids started school I started volunteering at various organizations to fill the day.
3 - division of labor was/is basically me doing 99% of house and kid stuff . This did charge a bit when Covid hit and DH started working from home. Before that he literally just wasn’t around - he worked very long hours at his office and traveled internationally a significant amount of time. He works a lot on weekends, evenings etc as well ( this is why I had the sitter twice a week - DH’s job afforded us a good lifestyle and the ability for me to stay home, but also meant he works a LOT and I didn’t get breaks ).
4 - the transition would have been easier for me if I had known more moms also staying home. I was very lonely with DS1 at first. I felt at loose ends with a new baby, no structure, and I didn’t know anyone home during the day to talk to or do things with. Developing a social circle saved me - I met them through baby classes, my MOMS club etc.
I left the workforce because we moved, not because we had a kid, although the timing was the same. I always say I fell backwards into being at home; I never intended to do it. The hardest part for me was redefining myself - my career was a big part of who I was. We joked that it was my white collar problem, “oh, who am I, wah wah.” Haha. I definitely did better with a routine. Being able to actually complete a task, with a big solid check mark, was the part I missed the most when I was at home (and also the part I like the best about now being back at work).
I do think I know how retirees might feel - some floundering perhaps as they get a sense of things. I came over time to realize that what I truly value is helping people and knowing my community, so I really dug into volunteering and being active. Now that I’m back to work after ten years off, the seeds long ago sown on the SAH front are the fruits that make this current time so sweet (and efficient). I sometimes feel like I’m firing on all cylinders, and many days, it feels awesome. (Of course, there are also days when I’m overwhelmed and ask myself “oh, shit what the hell have we done?” but that’s usually related to how much volunteering I still do.)
I went straight back to my old job so no advice there. I did keep in touch with several colleagues, literally had dreams about going back for YEARS, and knew it was a great place to work, so that made it easy to want to go back. I did not have to go back at all, and would not have gone back for much, but this was one of the things that I think “makes the world a better place” so it made sense to me when my friend suggested it. It also helps tremendously that I was fully remote the first several months and now can telecommute three days a week; I would not have returned if I had to be in person every day. The home life work has redistributed beautifully; my husband carries his load and a lot of mine a lot of the time as well, which really helps at making the rest of what I can do possible. I’m so glad I was able to have the time with my kids but I am also grateful to have the chance to do meaningful work in a broader sense too.
I worked full time in a professional career and quit when my kids were 5, 3, and 1, and then had one more. They are now 13, 11, 9 and 7, so it's been 8 years already! Wow.
Everyone is so different, so you'll really have to look inside yourself and at your own situation, and also make sure this isn't just a reaction to the difficulty of the newborn stage.
In my situation... 1. I had a great career (high-level fund development for a non-profit with high-income donors) but was really burnt out and totally not interested in advancement at the time. My heart just wasn't in it, even though I could see lots of "pluses" on paper. I was okay leaving it behind. 2. When we got married, I lived further from work and had a commute I didn't like, even though it's not bad by some people's standards. 3. I'd wanted to leave for a long time but was sticking it out for various reasons. A big one was the security of my extra salary, my benefits, and my insurance. Also the idea of independence, having a career, etc. DH is self-employed. 4. B/c of DH's job, I always did almost everything at home and with the kids. We never had a good division of labor, but it sort-of has to be that way b/c of his job. So...I increasingly felt spread very thin, trying to get to the preschool events, helper days, all the check-ups and dentist appointments, dinners, laundry, and everything else, especially when everything was 30 to 40 minutes from work. And all the last several years I was working, I either was pregnant or had a newborn and was pumping and sleep deprived, so it was really a grind. Our second kid was really tough with reflux and wouldn't take bottles and I was crazy sleep-deprived and honestly sometimes probably shouldn't have been driving. It was all just becoming too much, and I WANTED to be home and felt resentful of work. I had a lot of evening events I would ideally be attending to advance my career and had neither the time nor inclination for that, nor a husband who could be home to handle the kids in the evening. The balance for me was definitely tipped in favor of home.
If you stayed at home:
- Have not re-entered; I would change careers. I thought I would go back to work, but in reality, we seem to get busier and busier; we are much more scheduled again now that my kids are older. I still feel completely not ready to go back. The after-school stuff starts with driving to a pick-up at 3 every day, we have activities to drive to/from almost every night starting right after school, we are busy on weekends with kid stuff so having flexibility to run errands on weekdays is HUGE, someone frequently is home sick or has appointments. I'm able to volunteer for things at school that I enjoy doing, but couldn't do if I were working. I'm really busy at home at this stage and I love having flexibility. Also, we have a cottage, and we've spent more and more time there in summers (DH goes back and forth); I definitely wouldn't want to give that up to go to work! - what would have made transitioning to a SAHM easier? I was really, really ready. I was like, gleeful! We had a super stressful six months or so prior to me leaving--I had agreed to stay through a certain date and I should have just quit; went through several nannies, we moved, we were renovating a house. When I left, I got to watch Paw Patrol in the morning snuggling with my kids; I remember going to library story time and making a snowman and feeling so relaxed. I felt so much less stressed with my 4th baby knowing I wasn't going back to work. That said, I think if I had stayed home with my first, I would have had a lot more "mom friends". I missed out on a lot of the SAHM bonding that seemed to happen with first kids, and by the time I stayed at home, most people either had friends or were super busy with the older kids, or were working. And I was busy with my older kids, too! All of my closer friends were still working but also geographically far. A "moms club" type thing would have been great to make some connections. I still don't know many SAHMs, but I do know a lot of moms now who work part-time or from home and can still attend events during the day. That wasn't really an option yet when I was working! Even just having a couple friends to meet for a regular coffee or a park date would have been super nice. - what did your day look like? Did you stick to a loose schedule? What did your division of labor look like? Division of labor, as noted, isn't what I ever pictured but DH is the main breadwinner and owns his own business, which is really inflexible during many times of the year, so we do our best. It's not like he expects me to do things b/c I'm the woman, but it's also that there isn't anyone else around to do the things, so I do the things. It's been an issue for me on and off, for sure. I DO miss the respect I had via work now that people see me as "just a mom". Schedule--we just did whatever worked for us at the time based on the stage we were in; don't remember our schedule in the early days. - anything else I should be thinking of? I think a lot just depends on how you feel deep inside. I say SAHM is kind of like the old Army slogan--"the toughest job you'll ever love." I love being a SAHM overall and it really works for our family.
Post by ilikedonuts on Nov 17, 2022 7:33:14 GMT -5
I have not gone back to work and there are no plans for me to go back. My kids are now 9 and 11. My husband now travels a ton for work (at least 2 partial weeks a month if not more. Some weeks it’s 4 partial weeks, 2 full weeks, etc) so it’s overall just easier for me to not work because I’m on my own with the kids without his help a lot. I stopped working when I was pregnant with my oldest. We never had a schedule we followed, but I’ve always been crazy active with them. I joined multiple playgroups and then ultimately started my own with friends I made through the original play group. When they were little we went and did something with friends almost every day of the week. When my husband is in town, he definitely helps with running the kids to their evening activities which I feel like helps give me a break, but when he’s traveling multiple weeks in a row sometimes I do get burned out a bit. I’m in charge of basically everything at home, but my husband will do whatever I ask when he’s home. Overall I love being a SAHM. It’s not always perfect, but I think it helps our family run smoother bc there is s parent always available even with my husband gone so much.
Post by dancingirl21 on Nov 17, 2022 7:56:00 GMT -5
I’ve been a SAHM for 6 years, since my DS2 was born. My kids are now 9 and 6.
DS2 is in half day K this year, so full school days start next year. I think I may want to do something part time then, but ideally only from home and something flexible. My previous career was in HR. I’ve done a variety of things including analytics, recruiting, talent management. An opportunity recently came about to do some HR consulting work and I may consider that. I also want to continue volunteering in my kids’ school so working full time isn’t something I want to go back to.
My DH currently travels weekly for work, so not having to also work outside of the home for me has been great for us. The majority of house things fall to me - running all errands, mine and the kids laundry, appointments, handling any maintenance people that we might need, etc. We do have a cleaning lady that comes every other week and that saves me.
When my kids were younger I had a loose daily schedule - naps, meals, etc. Now that they are older, it varies by day. Some days I get all the things done while they are at school. Some days I just don’t want to adult and spend 3 hours reading. Some days we have multiple practices and are running all over. It’s easier when they are older to be more flexible and change things up.
Honestly I love that I’m able to be around always, since DH can’t be right now. I’m not one of those people that has ever been super career-driven so leaving the workforce wasn’t that hard for me. I do feel guilty about my college education sometimes, but I try to remember this is best for our family right now.
I began SAH when DS was 2.5. My job paid similar to yours and contributing financially was the hardest part to leave behind and the only part I miss.
I found the transition very easy. When I started SAH, I only had one toddler/preschool aged child. DH was working FT in an office, and I took over most of the cooking, cleaning, and household responsibilities during the week and we shared responsibilities on the weekend (although I was and still am the default parent which can be annoying). My mom watched DS at least one day a week so I could get a break, then I also put him in part-time preschool for a couple of mornings a week.
Now that we have DD who is 8 months and DS is 8, and DH isn't working FT in an office (he's self-employed from home) he actually does all of the cooking, most of the cleaning, grocery shopping, gets up with DS in the morning and gets him breakfast, takes him to/from school and activities. My main job is the baby right now, and I do a little household stuff when I can, and I handle things like buying the kids clothes, random stuff like signing up for activities, school paperwork, PTA events, etc. For the baby, I do all of the night wakeups, all of the feeding (she's a world class bottle refuser), most diaper changes, but since DH is around a lot he plays with her for short times throughout the day and watches her when I need him to, which is at least once a day when I shower and whenever I need/want to leave the house without her which is at least a few days a week.
It's a very different experience having another person home to help with the baby not having to do much household stuff, and if there is some way to make this happen, I highly recommend. Just because you SAH doesn't mean you should be doing everything at home. I also recommend trying to find some other SAH friends or other mommy and me kinds of things (like stroller strides, music classes, etc). Having other mom friends that I see regularly is crucial for my mental health.
Post by MixedBerryJam on Nov 17, 2022 8:52:15 GMT -5
I took a voluntary layoff when I was pregnant with my first (they were SHOCKED I took the equivalent of over a years salary instead of staying for the 13 weeks of parental leave) and easily went back, but only part time by choice, 10 years later. And I went into a much lower stress role. IT helped that I worked for a very large entity but I went back tho a different role in that same department. I was 40 when I had my first and 50 when I went back and knew I just wanted a job I could leave at work when I wasn’t there.
Post by turkletsmom on Nov 17, 2022 10:04:18 GMT -5
In 2018 my company was bought out and my (stressful) job was moved out of state. I had 3 in daycare and that was eating up 50% of my take home pay so I said to hell with it and stayed home instead of applying to other jobs. This freed up DH to put in more hours and advance in his career and that made up for my lost salary. My youngest two are in K this year and I'm just now thinking of going back full-time (I work 15hrs a week at the kids school as a cafeteria monitor helping them open their milks and yogurts and it's been nice having something to do). I was in HR before so I don't think I'll have a problem finding something but I don't want to be at the level I was at before. I want something remote and low stress. I don't even care if I'm back to entry-level if it means less responsibility since this will really just be "extra" income for us. Flexibility is way more important since DH works 45 mins away. I never set a schedule other than nap time. We just did activities as I felt like it. I'm also lucky that I never felt lonely. I have a tight friend group and even though I'm the only one that doesn't work, we text several times a day and get together a few times a month on weekends. Anyway, I loved having this extra time with the kids and if I were you I'd do it!
I hate my job right now and this thread is really making me want to quit and SAH. I did it for a year when DD1 was a newborn and it didn't work at the time, but newborns are exhausting. I feel like it would be way more fun now with my kids in pre-K and 2nd grade. But I'd need to keep DD2 in daycare at least part time or I'd go nuts.
From my short time as a SAHM, the isolation was tough. I made a mom friend early (we met at a BFing support group) and we ended up doing weekly playdates and that made it so much better. We also texted constantly. So my advice would be to join some mom groups or sign up for activities to get you out of the house and make SAHM friends (if you don't have any already).
The other issue I had was I didn't realize how much of my self worth/identity was tied up with my career. I was an engineer, and I used to be very proud to say that when people asked "what do you do?" (side note, why is that the only question people ever ask you when they meet you?!?). I was surprised by how I felt having to answer that I wasn't working. I always stumbled over it and it took me a while to not feel bad about myself when people talked about work or careers. I left a job that wasn't working out, so I think also had some issues with feeling like a failure. I had to reframe it in my mind and remind myself that many people wish they didn't have to work and it was a conscious (and privileged) choice to not work. So I started saying I retired early LOL and that was better for me mentally.
I went back to work part time after a year. It was not hard to re-enter, but it was a short break so that probably made it easier. I'm not sure I can go back to work full time now after working part time and being home. Life is so much easier with me being able to get stuff done on my off week days (grocery shopping, laundry, errands, dr appointments, haircuts, etc). This allows us to have more relaxing weekends and do more activities as a family. I do worry that if I want to re-enter the workforce full time when my kids are older, it will be harder just due to my age (currently mid 40s, had kids on the later side).
ETA: I also want to add to be gentle with yourself and know that being a SAH parent may not end up being what you want long term. And it is ok to change your mind. I always thought I wanted to SAH with my kids as my mom was a SAHM. But as I said, I didn't love it. I was lonely and exhausted and I missed the feeling of personal accomplishment I got from working. Again, I had a newborn and may have been a bit depressed with all the changes that come with having your first child. So who knows if I'd enjoy it more now. I know myself though that I need a break from my children, when I'm in mom-mode 100% of the time I get resentful about never having time where I can just worry about myself. I would never quit my job now without some childcare available, even if it was just gym daycare for a few hours a week.
1. Have not reentered. I was not making anywhere CLOSE to what you are, though, so we didn't have the biggest hit when I quit. If I do start working again, I'm not sure I could do the same thing (influenza research). I worked loooong hours for very little pay. I've toyed with starting an organization business because I love doing it, but don't have the mental bandwidth right now to try.
2. Giving yourself grace and time to adjust. It's hard even though you feel like you should have all the time in the world. Things are still going to fall through the cracks and you can't get it all done. Also, giving myself permission to take breaks.
3. DD was almsot 2yo when I quit (we wanted another, though it never worked out). We did a class once or twice a week after she turned 2. She started preschool 2x a week when she was almost 3. But outside of those organized activities, I tried to have some down time for both of us, some entertaining stuff for her, and then do some chores or cleaning when I could. Not really a schedule, but I would make a list of things I wanted to accomplish either that day or that week and gave myself some leeway on what made sense. I took on most of the home care stuff because H was driving 1hr each way and was gone for 10-11hrs each day, so it had to work out that way.
4. Find friends that also SAH or have a loose schedule so you don't feel alienated. And ONLY stay home if you want, not just because it's possible.
Post by imojoebunny on Nov 17, 2022 17:42:15 GMT -5
- how difficult was it to re-enter the workforce? Did you change careers? I did not go back to work. I quit 16 years ago. We are fully retired now. - what would have made transitioning to a SAHM easier? I made a friend when my daughter was a month old. It was life saving. She had a large playgroup with a lot of women in it that lived in my community. Women like me, who had careers, before having kids. Some stayed home full time, and others were just on maternity leave. I still know many of those women, they now vary in what they do now from successful Author of many books to a Representative in the US house to lawyers, doctors, real estate agents, a film producer, and small business owners. I am the only one I know who still is a SAH. - what did your day look like? Did you stick to a loose schedule? What did your division of labor look like? My Spouse is retired now. He retired 2 years ago, so we have a different set up now, but I did most everything around the house and our rental properties when he was working. He didn't even know where my son's school was, until he was there for 3 years. I had playgroups and nursey school when they were small. I walked several half marathons, training with them in the stroller, with friends. I cut back the distance, but I did 365 5K walks last year. I have always travelled a good bit, so that took a lot of the out of school time. I like to explore, so my kids have been to pretty much every historic site, museum, tourist attraction, ect, within driving distance. Volunteer at the schools and other places, once they were older. I can always find something to do with them, or without. - anything else I should be thinking of? Make sure you can save for your retirement, not just his. I told my DH I would only stay home, if we could save 25% of our income for long term savings. That is a lot, and it wasn't always easy. I am frugal by nature, but we ended up doing well enough that we could have some pretty nice luxuries, and save even more than 25%. My DH ended up making a whole lot more than we were both making together when our daughter was born. He is an ambitious guy, and without having to worry about the house, kids, food, ect, he quickly moved up the "ladder". This is not possible for everyone, obviously, and not what everyone wants, but it is the path that worked out for us.
I’ve been a SAHM for almost 13 years. I have no plans or desire to go back to work.
I did not leave a good career and high paycheck. You would all be appalled if you found out what we lived on when I first SAH! DH wasn’t making a ton and we live in a fairly HCOL area.
My thoughts after SAH for so long and meeting so many other SAHMs, many who went back to work, is that you should do it because you want to, not just because you can.
Post by mainelyfoolish on Nov 17, 2022 19:55:25 GMT -5
I was a SAHM for 13 years and out of the workforce for 14 years altogether. I left a bad-fit job with a bad commute while we were TTC with plans for me to eventually be a SAHM, so I stayed unemployed for the year before our first child was born. I didn’t have any plan of how long I would stay out of the workforce, but I was ok with leaving behind my career in IT and taking a chance that I would be able to do something else if I ever went back to work. DH’s job is very secure and, while not exactly high-paying, it pays well enough for us to live comfortably with moderate frugality.
I have two kids, the second one 4.5 years younger than the first, so I spent a solid 9 years at home with a baby/toddler/preschooler. I stuck to a rough schedule, although that schedule changed over time as the kids’ needs and activities changed. I assumed the majority of housework and family related tasks because I had the time to do it. Hands-on child care outside of DH’s work hours was shared between the two of us.
I was interested in returning to part-time work when my second child entered elementary school, but that got delayed due to some medical issues with my first child that required a lot of time off during the day for treatment. After that was all resolved, the pandemic and remote learning derailed my re-employment plans. In the late spring of 2021, with the end of remote learning in sight, I resumed browsing part-time job listings. I applied for a part-time entry level job with my town government and they hired me. The job and the commute were good, the pay was ok, and it got me back into the workforce. After 15 months, a higher level full-time position opened up and I decided to go for it.
I’ve been at my full-time job for a month now and our household is still adjusting to me not being able to do all the chores I used to do during the day when I wasn’t working. It’s an adjustment for everyone to reallocate the work and figure out how to fit it all in. I’m also heavily relying on DH being the primary parent handling school vacations, kids’ appointments, sick days, etc. since he’s been at his job for a long time and has a lot of vacation and sick time available.
- how difficult was it to re-enter the workforce? Did you change careers? I worked in finance and have been a SAHM now for 7 years. I have no plans to re-enter the workforce, and would find it very difficult to do so in my industry. I feel very far removed from "the times" and how things have changed in those 7 years.
- what would have made transitioning to a SAHM easier? Not feeling guilt at first. I wish I had really brushed that off and not let it eat at me for the first few months. I also made over $100k and felt that I was less than, suddenly an adult without a paycheck. It felt strange being in the grocery store at 11am on a Tuesday in leggings. My husband was supportive, but I still had doubts. Fast forward to 2022 and we would both agree that my transition to being a SAHM was the absolute best decision for our family. Everyone is happier. Prior to Covid my husband worked long hours and got home late. So much stress fell off his shoulders when I was able to tackle things on the Homefront while he worked. We gained our weekends back for family time vs. always running errands.
- what did your day look like? Did you stick to a loose schedule? What did your division of labor look like? DS is 9 and we are now on year 4 of homeschooling. During DS's toddler years our home was cleaner. Now that we're home all day every day with the exception of our fall co-op, field trips, soccer, etc., our house is very much "lived in". - I'm up at 7am, sometimes I'll hit snooze and sleep later if I know DS isn't awake yet - I tend to load the dishwasher in the AM vs at night, so I immediately get started on that - unless we have a scheduled activity, we start school at 8 or 9 - afternoons are when I run errands - I cook dinner during the day on a fairly regular basis to lighten my load during the evening crunch time - DS does all outside chores and helps with general tidiness inside. I am the primary house cleaner. I will say that I often step up to do things like assist in leaf raking, but you would never see him with a vacuum in his hands. DS is now at an age where he is also taking on chores, and I feel that our responsibilities are divided fairly amongst our family members. DH and I now conquer and divide errands since Covid (working from home 5x/wk for 2 yrs, and now he WFH 3x/wk), and we share car maintenance responsibilities.
- anything else I should be thinking of? You will probably feel out of sorts for the first 6 months while your new life settles into place. You won't know what works best for your family in terms of responsibilities, money spent, etc., until you begin living your new lifestyle.
I look back and realize that I started with far less "fun money" than I truly needed as a SAHM. I also shot low with my guesstimate for a grocery budget. As a family we actually do not budget, but I actively tracked spending and gave myself an earmarked amount for spending in those early months. Early on when DS was a toddling 2 yr old, my gas spending was low. Now my gas spending is astronomical because we're driving just as far round-trip to soccer as I did to work. We attend forest school an hour away, homeschool classes at museums in the neighboring state, and millions of other opportunities that land on our plate during the school week.
Things that have helped us to cultivate an atmosphere at home with less stress in these more traditional roles? - I order takeout for dinner 1x/wk to lighten my load - We actively acknowledge our roles and thank each other on a frequent basis. I no longer have an annual review with a raise. I don't thrive on praise, but it sure does make me feel better when DH acknowledges my work around the home, and I actively thank him for his hard work on the days when he comes home after a hard day. - You may find yourself outsourcing less when it comes to conveniences because your family income has dropped. Offer yourself grace. Find other ways to treat yourself, even if it means changing how you manage some of your household responsibilities. This is why I rarely load the dishwasher at night. I'm toast and need to lay on the couch. And on a day when I just don't have the energy to cook but it's not a planned takeout day? I grab a Trader Joe's meal from the freezer. (DH doesn't cook.)
Other things to consider: - Do you have money set aside in just your name? We both retain checking/savings accounts with moderate amounts of money that mostly just sits, but is accessible to just us. We're best friends and have never had any big bumps in our marriage, but I still feel safer with this setup. - Is your name on all major financial accounts? Since the get go we've always had separate accounts for "fluff" spending that the other could never question (think my $22 eyeliner), and joint accounts where the bulk of our money resides. However, there were a few investment accounts that were held privately. When I stopped working both of our names were added to all of those investments. - Are there any subscriptions or services you might consider cancelling OR adding now that your lifestyle has changed? Satellite radio cancellation because you will be in the car less? Or adding that as a service you use at home because you'll be alone at home more?
I wish you the best while making this decision.
ETA: While I will never re-enter the workforce in the finance industry, I may find myself working at, say, my favorite clothing store or Williams Sonoma when DS goes off to college. We're also toying with the idea of using his high school years to start up a family business. Assuming he's still a homeschooler we would use that time to teach him about entrepreneurship.
ETA2: Figure out now, who your backup childcare person will be if you have drs appointments and such that you need to attend alone. Your husband? A good friend? Do you need to find a community to make such friends if most of your friends work? Tap into the SAHM community right away. There are millions of people posting in local FB groups about playdates and such. Get yourself out of the house to library classes and parks ASAP so you can find a few new friends who also SAH if you don't already have those women in your circle.
1. how difficult was it to re-enter the workforce? Did you change careers? No. Lawyer. Did not change careers but took a step down in "prestige" to work for a local NJ firm instead of a big NYC firm. That didn't bother me, but it may bother some. Not at all difficult to re-enter, I had 2 interviews with this firm, got an offer, took it as it was a 7 min drive from my house and it felt like a good choice.
I worked while my oldest was a baby b/c my mom/MIL watched her so that decision felt "easy" to make. Worked 4 days (my firm was not pleased). I quit after my second was born and stayed home through my third being born. I had 3 under 4 so it was tough, tough, tough. Even though I still had some family help and my oldest was in school in the mornings, it was just a lot of hands on time for me, especially at bedtime.
2. what would have made transitioning to a SAHM easier? Getting help that wasn't family help. I always felt a little bit guilty asking family to help when I knew I was taking away from their retirement enjoyment (even though I know they all loved it, I still felt bad) and then obligated to include them in basically everything.
3. what did your day look like? Did you stick to a loose schedule? What did your division of labor look like? I did 99% of child and household stuff, my husband worked a demanding schedule and commuted 1 hr every day. It was nice b/c our weekends could largely be free to do family/fun stuff. I had to have a SAHM schedule b/c there was simply no other way. Someone always had to be napping, eating, going to/from school. All of it was planned out.
4. anything else I should be thinking of? Do you actually want to stay home? Do you enjoy your job? Do you enjoy your profession? Can you juggle multiple screaming kids at the same time.
I could not, and decided to go back to work when my youngest was 9 months. I had an amazing, amazing nanny and she helped me with so much and she genuinely loved my girls and we loved her back. It just fit. Plus my older two kids were in school part of the day so she was able to focus on the baby and all was good. It felt really easy and it was.
Then the pandemic, no nanny, my job got more demanding, my husband's job is still demanding and even with all 3 kids in school, it's not easier.
Finding an afternoon nanny is so tough where I live. I have a housekeeper who comes 2x per weeks and runs some basic errands (post office, dry cleaning, light grocery store, does kids' laundry and sheets/towels). But I still have no time during the week to do anything personal/home other than do kids' after school activities, cook dinner and make lunches. I work at night to make up for the time I miss picking the kids up from school and taking them to their various activities. My husband is home 2 days a week and drives them to school and he helps with sports when he can and it's still overwhelming. Part of it is my job but part of it is just family life with 3 kids.
My husband asks me every day to quit my job and I am now considering doing that again. I make great money and like my work, so financially we have no worries. But the day to day life is stressful for him and me. We spend zero time together during the week b/c I'm always working at night. I have no real female friends b/c what free time I have I either work out or do fun stuff with the kids.
So you have to decide how much you want to take on. 3 kids really is way more difficult logistically. I know SAHM moms to 3+ kids who have nannies and I get it.
I never intended to SAH. I initially went back to work after my first was born. I wasn’t paid particularly well, but I was a social worker and had a high stress, high demand job. I also had a VERY needy, asshole baby. And also undiagnosed PPA. I nearly lost my mind, and quitting my job was really my only choice at that point.
I’ve been incredibly happy at home, and now consider myself retired. I have never been super in love with being a “SAHM” but I do really love not working, lol.
When the kids were little, we spent as much time out of the house as possible. I had memberships everywhere. I did try to maintain a fairly consistent schedule of just being out, around whatever nap times we had. I’m fairly introverted, but it was also really helpful to find a few friends with kids who could entertain each other while we just relaxed and drank coffee at someone’s house.
Now that the kids are in school (the younger is only half day), I feel incredibly lucky to be able to volunteer at school, attend class parties and field trips, etc. I also have more time to keep my house clean (which helps my anxiety) and pursue my own hobbies.
As far as division of labor, I do the best I can when I’m home, and when we’re both home, the work is fairly equal. I do carry almost 100% of the mental load, which is fine, especially since my eliminates a lot of stress for my H too. I underestimated how much less stressful everyone’s life would be with me at home.
What parts of not working are the most worrisome to you? I would start there, and try to pre-plan some solutions. I think that starting your SAHM path with older kids already connected will likely be a lot easier than starting from scratch.
The other issue I had was I didn't realize how much of my self worth/identity was tied up with my career. I was an engineer, and I used to be very proud to say that when people asked "what do you do?" (side note, why is that the only question people ever ask you when they meet you?!?). I was surprised by how I felt having to answer that I wasn't working. I always stumbled over it and it took me a while to not feel bad about myself when people talked about work or careers. I left a job that wasn't working out, so I think also had some issues with feeling like a failure. I had to reframe it in my mind and remind myself that many people wish they didn't have to work and it was a conscious (and privileged) choice to not work. So I started saying I retired early LOL and that was better for me mentally.
Yep. This is really a big deal that I think a lot of women overlook, especially if you've been working in your profession and building your reputation for a long time. Also as another PP mentioned the guilt of having spent money, time, effort on higher education and then just letting it all go feels wasteful somehow, probably b/c of the value our society puts (really, or lack thereof, which is BS) on SAHM work.
I just want to say that I can relate very much to many of the comments people have made in this thread. Like I could pull quotes out of almost every response.
I didn't read all the responses. I stayed at home for 8 years. I worked for a fortune 500 company in finance before. I have a bachelor's in accounting. It was really easy for me to get a job when my youngest started kindergarten. But it's a career change as I work at their school part time. Not sure long term what I want to do but my resume is a lot better now.
We lived of my Hs salary before and used mine too pay off debt and save money so the finance transition wasn't hard.
Getting us all out of the house most mornings helped a lot.
I felt I should do most things around the house. I underestimated the mental load and how hard it is to have active, loud kids as an introvert.
I became a SAHM after our first. My H is gone a ton, and I worked in the restaurant industry which is very night/weekend/holiday heavy so there was no way we could afford childcare to cover all of that when he was gone. I also didn't want to keep working that kind of schedule with kids. Needless to say I have not gone back. I did recently start a government job working 1x a week, and that was fine getting it was no issue having a 4 year work gap. But it is entry level.
I very much have a schedule. Weekly I like to get out of the house 2-3x a week for an activity or meet up, one day for grocery shopping, and one day to clean up the house and get house stuff done. Weekends I try and have it all done so we can just do fun family stuff. Daily I have a loose schedule, mostly based around nap time and meals. I guess I am kind of rigid with that stuff just because it keeps everyone in the best mood when they're fed and well rested.
Division of labor I do probably 95% of stuff. I won't lie when I read threads here I get in a mood about everything I do, but when I'm not comparing I really don't mind it. This was a struggle though at the beginning figuring out what "should" be mine since I am home. Biggest thing my H helps with is bedtime because I'm typically done by that time of day. We have two kids now so he'll do 100% of one kids bedtime, and then finish up the second. He also has kid duty one weekend morning so I can sleep in and have a relaxing start to my day. Also my H has never ever made a comment about the house or dinner or something that "falls" under me which is very helpful because I would lose it if he critiqued my household management when I'm home with two kids all day.
When I first started staying home I joined every possible mom group on Facebook, and showed up to everything. I eventually found my people and have a solid group of friends. I think that's super important. I need the adult conversation and people to make plans with. My kids also have to get out of the house we can not sit around the house all day, and it's nice having friends to do things with even if it's just going to the park or for a walk.
I hated staying home when I started, but I was so incredibly bored. I felt my days were so mundane and the same thing over and over again. With two older kids though you prob have more stuff to fill up your time.