My FIL died

[nicolewi]

My FIL passed away unexpectedly yesterday. He had been in somewhat poor health with some ups and downs recently and was 82, but his biggest issues were mobility-related, so it wasn't like anyone thought he was going to die suddenly. Went into cardiac arrest as they were doing errands. DH got there to see the paramedics working on his dad (which I think was traumatic), but they never got him back at all. 

This was probably the grandparent my kids were least close with...but they saw him a lot and it's the first grandparent they've lost. My mom had me at 23 and I didn't have my youngest until I was 40, so I feel guilty that I've like, signed my kids up for this in a way. Very sad. I didn't lose any grandparents until I was in my 20s...I know I was very lucky. I don't know quite what to expect for my kids. I think it will be hard for all of us to see their grandma trying to find her new normal, and I expect we'll be helping with a lot of things for a bit. 

Kids slept in today (and are still sleeping!). We do St. Nick here, so St. Nick still had to come! We're taking them all to school late today after they get up, see what St. Nick brought, and have breakfast together. 

Any thoughts on what to expect with the kids? And I feel terrible for DH....he had a complicated relationship with his dad at times, but saw him/talked to him often. It's going to be weird at Christmas this year, for sure. 

[redpenmama]

I'm so sorry. I don't have any advice, but I didn't want to read and not post. Keeping your family in my thoughts during this difficult time.

[momin2013]

I'm so sorry for your family's loss.

My FIL passed earlier this year, and I think DS (9) found it the hardest to see his own Dad cry and be sad. It was tough at the beginning, but like with any loss, it gets easier and less sad with time. I just told him that Daddy is sad and it's o.k. to be sad, but that he'll be o.k. And he was.

I'm sure it will be weird at Christmas. Maybe it being close to the holidays will be a bit of a distraction, though, what with being busy with traditions, activities, etc.

[noodleoo]

Oh man, nicolewi, I'm so sorry. I have no advice, but your family will be in my thoughts.

[ktw]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I think, in a way, it's what we've all signed our kids up for by having them, no matter how old we were. I don't have experience with this, so take my advice with a grain of salt, but the modeling process of how to deal with difficult things is part of being a parent, and part of being a child. And I don't mean that like "you better do it right, they're watching", I just mean that going through this, and seeing you and your husband go through this will give your kids coping mechanisms to use right now, and ones that they can use in the future.

FWIW, I think the gentle start to the day, keeping up your traditions and letting them get some extra rest, is a really good start.

[lilac05]

I’m so sorry for your loss.

Watching someone get CPR is traumatic, even if you don’t know the person. I’m sorry he had to experience that with his own dad.

As far as the kids, I think you’re doing a great thing with your planned morning. After that, it’s anyone’s guess how they’ll take it. Sometimes they take it incredibly hard, and other times they take it so well it’s a little unnerving for parents. Sometimes that grief hits immediately, and sometimes it takes weeks or months to set in.

Please don’t blame yourself for the timing. Your kids have many benefits from you having them when you were older and more established. Yes, there are downsides, too. It just comes as a package deal. Also, young grandparents die, too. There are no guarantees.

[waverly]

I'm so sorry. I don't have advice, but I know you are always there for your family, so just support them during this time.

[janegold]

I'm so sorry. Thinking of you and your family during this difficult time.

[Pilsy]

I'm so sorry.

[cricketwife]

I'm so sorry.

[minniemouse]

I’m so sorry for your loss

[gretchenindisguise]

I'm sorry. My FIL died two weeks ago. It was hard because they live in Europe (H immigrated here) and my kids weren't as close. His passing brought up lots of guilt that the kids weren't closer. Blerg. It's never easy.

Love and light to you as you navigate this. Hugs to your H - I think seeing them working on him would be hard to process.

[beerlover]

I'm so sorry for your loss!

[InBetweenDays]

I am so sorry for your loss. ((hugs))

[estrellita]

I'm so sorry 😔 My kids have only dealt with losing great grandparents. They were all pretty expected, so we were able to explain it a little easier. They went to the funerals and I warned E ahead of time that he might see my grandma and what she might look like (A was too young to really understand). They were ok but I know they'd be much more upset about grandparents (they're close with all of them). We talk about them pretty often and try to focus on the good memories, although I let them know I miss them and it's ok if they feel sad about it.

[maudefindlay]

My kids were 5, 7, and 9 when MIL unexpectedly died (she was stand up paddle boarding on the ocean the day before). We told them all that DH and I would look sad for awhile and would cry, but that we still wanted them to talk about MIL whenever they wanted to and to ask us any questions. Our kids all did fine. They came to the funeral and DD, the youngest cried, but then was OK. We talked about death and MIL was cremated so we explained that too. There was no big thing to deal with really kid wise for us. MIL was a knitter and we put blankets she made on their beds and put a picture of her in their rooms and that helped. The kids were all super close to her.

[MrsE]

So sorry to hear that.

[aprilsails]

I’m so very sorry for your loss. I think it’s important to remember with kids that their grief can be quite delayed. They might be perfectly fine right now, because they are distracted by Christmas or working on absorbing new information, but absolute wrecks in a couple of months when a memory triggers big feelings.

[abs]

I'm very sorry for your loss.

[nicolewi]

maudefindlay, sorry about your MIL, too. That sounds very traumatic.

Thanks for all the kind words. We are all doing well. I would be a complete non-functional wreck if one of my parents died, but DH was able to go to his dentist appointment and make some work calls, and just keep moving forward. MIL has a strong faith and is very "stiff upper lip" about things. DH and his brother helped her get her tree up last night. Kids have been okay so far.

[hermione]

I am so sorry for your family's loss. As for the kids, just answer any questions as honestly and simply as you can.

Also, as a side note, your comment about setting your kids up to lose grandparents while young - it's difficult no matter when it happens. My husband had all four of his grandparents until he was 32 and lost them all within 6 months. As long as your kids are able to express their grief and ask their questions, they will know they are loved.

[Blue Moon]

I'm very sorry for your family's loss. Sending hugs.

[simpsongal]

My father died unexpectedly in 2020, he was 68 the kids were 3 and 6. I know it was hard for my 6 yr old to see me crying all the time, though I grieved the hardest in private. But it's life, and it's truly a great opportunity to talk about life and death. Or to get kids to think about something other than themselves and their needs.

The kids loved my dad, the 3 yr old was too young to really get it, she was more curious about grandpa dying. Her comments and questions were hard to field sometimes b/c she was so casual and I was hurting so much. The kids were fine at the funeral - we had babysitters on standby to take them home when the family viewing time was over. DS (almost 9 now) just commented the other day how stricken he was by my dad's once powerful hands looking so shriveled. I know it's all stayed with him, but in a meaningful way. You know your kids best and what they can handle.

Freddie the leaf and the invisible string are nice books on the theme of dying for kids, I can still barely get through either myself. And I always recommend "Healing After Loss" for people mourning - it's a helpful book w/short daily readings/thoughts. I read it for the first ~16 months or so.

I'm so sorry for your loss - be kind and patient with your DH. Losing a parent in my 30s is a very lonely experience, people just don't get it, including my DH at times.

[osulori]

I'm so sorry for your loss.