Post by iknowthismuchistrue on Dec 24, 2022 9:07:11 GMT -5
DD12 has always had a very challenging personality within our house but the last few years have been brutal.
The world gives her rave reviews (seriously get emails, texts probably monthly from people randomly letting me know how thoughtful, kind, dependable, amazing she is…helps with the little kids at recess, genuinely kind to friends with special needs, not just being polite, outgoing, positive, contributes to class, works hard on her assignments, includes everyone etc.) but I can’t call her down for dinner without her rolling her eyes and her letting me knowing I’m ruining her life. Her little sis takes the brunt of a lot of it and then we are spending a lot of time having to side with little sis for her own safety/well being so I know visually to the 12 year old it looks like we favor her (but you can’t just slap your little sis because she is using your blanket...)
A lot of her anger with us stems from her having limits on her tech and she isn’t allowed social media but we don’t want her locked away in her bedroom on Instagram and DH’s job puts him in a position to see how detrimental it is in the junior high years and how a huge chunk of the problems admin has to deal with is social media related so it’s a pretty big no with us for a bit longer. She knows this but hates us for it.
It’s so hard knowing that no matter how hard I try, no matter what I say, one of us will be crying by the end of the day.
I didn’t go through this as a tween/teen. I didn’t hate my parents/family.
I'm sorry you're struggling. I can't really answer because my oldest is only 12 and isn't quite there yet but I feel it coming and it scares me. There is a lot of eye rolling. My relationship with my mom includes mental health issues and abuse and I am assuming/hoping that experience won't help either.
Ha I knew this was going to be a post about a pre-teen before I even opened the post.
I think a lot of this is so normal. They are figuring out their place in the world and draw away from parents. It is definitely like pulling teeth getting my 12 year old to do any family activities these days. She is happiest with her friends or just listening to music in her room. I know I was definitely the same. For us a lot of it just meeting DD where she is. She has limited interests and a pretty snarky personality. She is much more willing to engage if we spend time doing things important to her (sporting events, going out to eat) and letting her personality be what it is. Forced family fun never, ever works.
That said can you talk about some of this with her before it escalates? Compromise on a few things that will make your DD happy but give you some happiness, too? I would not give in on social media though. I think you are right to stand your ground on that, too. And she also needs to know that taking her frustrations on y'all isn't okay.
Post by iknowthismuchistrue on Dec 24, 2022 9:56:17 GMT -5
That said can you talk about some of this with her before it escalates?
I definitely try to not go there when we are in the middle of her on a path of household distraction but it’s hard. 1) she is often on this path so hard to find those times she isn’t. 2) I’ve tried to chat when she’s in a good mood when it’s just the two of us driving somewhere. Try to keep it light and positive but she’s all “ugh. I know.” and then I’m a buzz kill.
It feels like I can do nothing right with her. Extra hard this time of year when I feel like I’m killing myself to make everything magical and fun for everyone and she expects/wants the magic of the season but just poops over all of us during it all.
I hate wishing time away but ugh, she’s making us all miserable.
Would you consider a few counseling sessions with the whole family?
I know it can feel like you are the only one that isn't allowing social media, but that's not the case. My son is 12 and doesn't even have a phone and none of his friends are on social media. I'm sure there are kids in the class that do, but it's certainly not all of them. You are not wrong to keep her off of it. Maybe a counselor could help you find acceptable compromises on some things AND be a neutral party that explains to her that there will be no compromise on social media.
Part of this, to me, is a sign you’re doing it right. She’s great to the outside world. That’s good! But she’s still at the age of hormones, new feelings, unsure who she is. Being able to let it all go at home means, on some level, it’s a safe space for her. She knows she can just let all the angst out.
But - the stop gap here is how she treats her sister. It’s one thing to be moody and want nothing to do with her. But hitting her and you needing to be worried about her SAFETY? That’s an issue that i wish i have more advice on, but that’s the area I’d focus on.
Let the attitude go, let the eye rolls go. But let her know physically hurting her sister is absolutely no ok and I’d be coming up with pretty strong consequences around that.
I have three kids. A 16 year old DD, a 13 year old DD, and an 11 year old DS. My oldest has been incredibly challenging. Like all of the worst parts of parenting a teen that you can imagine since she was 13, but now that she’s 16.5, I’m starting to see glimpses of a reasonable, responsible adult that she could become. I think it will still be a few more relatively tough years, but I have hope, where I didn’t necessarily before. Social media was a big thing for her also. We also didn’t allow it and she went to fairly extraordinary lengths to access it (burner phone) so we’ve opted for a slightly different approach with my middle DD. We allow some, but it’s pretty limited. It’s a weird balancing act of knowing that it can be harmful, but also realizing it’s an unfortunately large part of how teenagers connect and understanding that feeling of being left out and how teens react to feeling left out. For my middle DD, allowing a little bit has helped with the left out feelings and helped with not going to such extraordinary lengths to access it.
My 13 year old DD is much much less difficult, but has her attitude moments. Different personality and parenting lessons learned the hard way with our older DD.
6th and 7th grade is brutal. Really really hard for kids and parents (there’s a reason I have taught 22 years of 8th grade, and only a few of 6th and 7th when I have to). I think 8th is when they start to make the turn around. They can still be secretive and willful and mean and rude, but the frequency and intensity starts to chill.
Does she have her period yet? I also found with my two girls that the year leading up to when it starts are worse, then periods tend to chill them out a bit as their hormones start to stabilize.
Hang in there. My almost 14 year old is so fun these days. My almost 12 is similar to yours (a joy in school, other parents adore her). She saves all her drama for her mama, which (I’m sure you’ve heard) is actually a sign of attached and secure parenting.
FWIW, we didn’t give DD1 a cell phone until 8th grade and are doing the same with DD2. There’s a million reasons why I feel great about this decision, even though it is hard. No social media until high school.
"Hello babies. Welcome to Earth. It's hot in the summer and cold in the winter. It's round and wet and crowded. On the outside, babies, you've got a hundred years here. There's only one rule that I know of, babies-"God damn it, you've got to be kind.”
My one niece was hard to be around from about 10ish to around 16. Like your DD her public persona was delightful. I've been told during this phase that they will eventually grow into who they are in public. I feel like boys are a year or two behind girls on this based on my son and his friends.
That said, I do agree that a few counseling sessions could be a good gut check. Hitting a sibling is not OK, but if the younger child is allowed to violate boundaries (use her things without permission) without consequences I can see why she feels she's being held to a higher standard of behavior without the perks of being older. That could look like favoritism.
I was the older "practice" child in my family; things loosened up a lot for my younger sister. Both parents were educators and very aware of worst-case scenarios and teens gone bad which meant rules I at times considered draconian. I had to fight for a reasonable degree of autonomy and it really impacted my relationship especially with my dad.
My DS hadn’t reached this age yet so no experience there. I can tell you, though, that ages 12 to probably 14/15 were absolutely the hardest for me as a teen (my mom still mentions it occasionally so I think it sort of traumatized her). I just remember feeling mad at the world/my parents so much of the time. I guess it’s hormones raging? All that to say, I think I can be very normal for that age.
Everyone I know with older kids says they stop being assholes when they go away to college and realize all the things you did for them when they were home.
Post by chilerellanos on Dec 24, 2022 12:41:15 GMT -5
My 23 yo really came got sweet again when they were about 20 and needed to move back home. They weren’t really difficult though.
My 21 yo came back to me after she moved out. This kid about killed me. We are very close now, and she’s grown up a LOT. But we do better with some physical distance.
My 16 yo really hasn’t been difficult. We have struggled a bit over the last year because of a boy she chooses to date, but overall our relationship is really great.
Post by gretchenindisguise on Dec 24, 2022 12:59:41 GMT -5
My answer is a bit different because we have had our 13 yo on anxiety medicine and in therapy for anxiety for about two years. She is doing amazing now and we feel like we have our kid back. 11-12 was the worst. 13 (8th grade) has been good, but that may be because of the work she/we’ve done. She just feels more confident and comfortable with herself, which was what she needed.
She also doesn’t have social media. I’m holding firm on that.
I mean this with kindness. If you are truly having to protect her sister from physical violence, I think you are dealing with more than typical tween drama. I would really suggest finding a family therapist to talk to to get a better sense of whether your day to day life is really within the range of normal or, if perhaps, you need more professional help.
Post by wanderingback on Dec 24, 2022 13:43:13 GMT -5
I think it’s normal at that age to think your parents are ruining your life. Usually it improves in the later teen to early 20s years. The slapping her little sister def gives me pause (since it sounds like this is a regular thing) and I’d prob seek out professional help to get to the underlying issue.
Post by ilikedonuts on Dec 24, 2022 15:34:55 GMT -5
I feel like this is my 11 year old exactly as well. It hurts my heart a bit to know she’s such an amazing kid for everyone except me and my husband. But then I remember that she probably does she can truly be herself and let her feeling out around us.
Speaking personally, maybe 17 or 18 with dad and, uh, mostly never but kinda sorta with mom after I left for college. I'm told part of the reason is that they spend all school day trying to hold it together behaviorally that they just want a break when they get home (plus teachers-student relationships are not parent-child relationships).
If conflict resolution at home is a regular challenge, some professional help on strategies to cut down on conflict and/or get better resolution sounds like a good idea.
DS is 12. He rolls his eyes all the time plus he knows everything! We’ve had a lot of discussions about behavior. I try to get him to do homework and he pushes back and that is very annoying because I am right and he is wrong and now he has an F. We are getting a tutor for the executive function. He lost his coat and I had to buy him another one. He can’t find anything in his locker. And yet we are making progress.
DS and his sister play well and then fight, play well, fight repeat to eternity. My view on fighting is that it takes 2 people and they are both at fault. So in the case you mentioned they would both be sent to their room and separated. Your younger daughter instigated and needs to stop that and your older daughter needs to not resort to being physical. If it continues, I agree with counseling. But we’ve had sort of similar type fights here and they haven’t risen to the need for counseling. Like DS is usually very careful not to actually hurt her but there is a fine line where I think he is bullying too much. So if he gets worse we may end up there. ETA- re-reading that I thought younger kid was trying to take blanket from older kid physically but could have been just innocently using it when older kid came up out of nowhere and smacked her.
For the social media you can watch childhood 2.0 together. Also too difficult for us to watch but 60 minutes just had a (trigger warning) episode on instagram and eating disorders.
I don’t know the answer on social media. DS doesn’t care that much and is more into gaming. Our compromise because he does get addicted is only during fall break/ winter break etc and when grades/ executive function are good which he isn’t there yet. But I feel like social media is harder to go in and off. We literally hide the switch during the other times and removed all games from the iPad/ changed passwords. Also he has a Gabb phone so it solved that texting friends/ gps problem but no games, internet, or social media. He’s never on it which is perfect!
Oh and if the limits on tech are iPhone related I would definitely get rid of the iPhone and do a Gabb phone. It’s just takes away the contention of them trying to get around parental controls because there is nothing to get around. I guess some kids go harder in and find burner phones but for us taking away tech all together was better. They actually realized they had a problem I think (gaming addiction).
Please find a therapist to talk through the violence your older DD is doing to your younger DD and get help. Please.
My older sister (by 4 years) was physically violent with me for 2 years when I was 12-14 and she was 16-18 (hitting, kicking, shoving & slapping). My sister was going through some really tough personal stuff during those 2 years and took it out on me. No one protected me from her and there are invisible scars to this day that have effected the relationships I have with my parents & that sister. I'm 37 and my sister is 41. I've been to therapy for it. I doubt my sister has. I know my parents haven't.
Everyone I know with older kids says they stop being assholes when they go away to college and realize all the things you did for them when they were home.
So somewhere between 18-22.
<pours out another drink>
Unfortunately, this was me. I was horrible as a tween/teen. I don't think I truly appreciated my parents until after college. But looking back, I'm hoping I won't repeat the same mistakes my parents did. They are good parents, but they had absolutely no idea how to deal with me. I dealt with depression and anxiety as a kid and didn't know it until I was 19. My parents didn't take me seriously, and that's where a lot of the difficulty stemmed from. Not saying that's the situation here, but something to keep in mind. OP, definitely keep supporting her and find a way to stop the physical reactions. E is only 7, but his physical reactions stem from his ADHD and impulse control. It's possible she has something going on to trigger these type of reactions, or maybe not, but it's worth maybe talking to a doctor about to see. And as someone else mentioned, definitely strong consequences for things like that. My kids are younger of course, but I always tell them that it's perfectly fine to feel mad, frustrated, etc but absolutely no hitting, breaking things, etc. I'm sorry you're dealing with this and I hope things get better!
My oldest is 16 and he's really sweet and helpful now. Totally wants to spend time with us again and has pretty much dropped any hints of a snotty attitude. To be honest though, he has always been pretty mellow.